Chapter 28
love and fear
Below deck in the cramped little kitchen, some of the sailors had opened a keg of ale in honor of Sariel and Silef’s reunion and were guzzling it down. The only problem was that their half-decayed wraith bodies couldn’t hold the liquid very well. Instead, it was leaking onto the floor through holes in their stomachs and ribs, and was gathering in golden puddles at their feet. They found this extremely amusing, as did Justinian, and their shrieking laughter was contagious. Annika walked through what she hoped was beer and was promptly handed a glass from a man with half a face yet all of his smile. Dardis was drinking and doing parlor tricks for the sailors, Nikola had a glass in one hand and was thumb-wrestling a wraith with the other, and Runa and Zaven were stealing kisses behind Chivanni’s back instead of following his cooking instructions, although the heat was definitely turned on. Finn and Hilda were discussing how sirens and samodivi were once related, but that the wood nymphs migrated away from the sea and lost their scales and fins, along with the deadly potency of their song. And then there was Talvi.
Annika knew that plants needed sun and rain to live, and lots of it to thrive. Apparently for Talvi, wine was what watered and warmed his well-being, because he’d snapped up a case from the pub and was joking and laughing with the sailors like he was among old friends back at the Tortoise and the Hare. When his met hers from across the room, there wasn’t a trace left of the sullen creature she’d been traveling with; now there was nothing left but smoldering seduction as he subtly nodded his head towards the door. Amidst the commotion in the kitchen it was easy for him to slip away and lead her below to the storage deck underneath the living quarters. They walked blindly in the darkness, until he lit a small candle he’d been hiding in his pocket. The light was weak, but they could see great big chests filled with goods that the sailors traded among the ports they visited. Rows of ceramic jugs lined one area, and hanging from above were countless woven rugs. Talvi pulled down one of the softer carpets, laying it down on the floor and sat upon it. He dripped a small bit of wax inside the handle of one of the jugs and planted the candle into it. They were completely hidden from view, and she lay on her side and propped her head up with her hand, beckoning him to lie next to her. He ran his hand up and down her thigh and let his eyes wash over her as they had so many times in the past, full of desire.
“It’s been such a long time since we had any privacy,” she moaned. “I can’t believe you’re not going crazy by now.”
“What makes you think I’m not?” he asked, stroking her hair, and then her arm. But instead of giving her one of his more lecherous expressions, there was a lost look in his eyes; the same look that he’d worn when he confessed that he’d been the one who was conquered, not her. She reached for his pants but he pushed her eager hands away.
“Don’t you dare tell me you’re not in the mood!” she hissed at him. “You’ve turned me down enough already.”
“Annika…just slow down. You’re acting like a bloody animal, and for once I don’t want to fuck you like one,” he said as his intense gaze met her own.
I want to make love to you. Let me love you, she heard him say in her mind.
I don’t care what you call it, I need you, she answered him.
Do you really?
“Yes,” she said into his mouth as she kissed him fiercely. He held her in his inhuman grip so tightly she could barely breathe; their tongues tasted and explored each other like long lost lovers, and this time the hallucinations she experienced were ten times stronger than before. His hands managed to entangle themselves in her red hair, run up and down her back, squeeze her breasts, and curl around her waist all at once. His nails dug into her skin, but the repressed desire that had been unleashed only served to excite Annika further. In the dark, she was vaguely aware of him pulling off her clothes before bringing her to life when his hot mouth kissed a trail from her breastbone to her navel, moving to each hip and biting the flesh as if he hungered for her and her alone. His lips wandered freely along the insides of her thighs, and she could feel his nose nuzzle the sensitive crease where her legs joined her body. He flicked at her folds with his warm tongue; taunting, teasing, and toying with her in between his gentle biting kisses. His sideburns tickled her legs; his delicate ears were blazing, and that mouth grew hungrier and more insatiable with every moment that passed. She ran her fingers under his jaw, relishing the feeling of him drinking her in, and she spread her legs even wider. He hummed in approval and slipped a finger inside, then another, building her anticipation while he sat up and unfastened his belt with his free hand. He brought her ankles up to his shoulders and she felt the acute sensation of him plunging deep into her. The steady grind of his hips pushed her backbone into the rug, causing the friction to burn her skin, but she didn’t care. The pleasure he lavished upon her was more than worth it. He gave a few more thrusts and then withdrew his member, replacing it with his flickering tongue. Every nerve ending was reveling in his swirling kisses, offering themselves to him like flower petals begging to be pollinated. She moaned with frustration when he lifted his head and laid her back down on the rug, then sighed in relief when he crawled over her and kissed her with his wet, salty lips. She wrapped her legs around him and guided his body into hers. Annika’s head was swimming as he dove in again and again to the rhythm of the boat while it rocked and swayed on the waves around them. His nose was inches away from hers and his eyes were staring into her soul with longing and need for something beyond physical desire. She wondered if they were reflecting that same longing and need that she felt in her own heart, the need to be loved for who she was, not what someone else wanted her to be. And in that private moment, he grinned and nodded, and she realized that he’d heard her thoughts and felt exactly the same way.
Annika’s gasps were coming closer and closer together until they became as uncontrollable as the waves of the ocean, and her hands flew up to her mouth as she tried to subdue her surrender. He pulled her hands away to hear her sing, and joined her with harmonious notes of his own. That divine instant was pure rapture. It was the hypnotic chord of every song she’d ever held dear in her heart. It was more exhilarating than any drug, any ride, any feeling or sensation she’d ever experienced.
He wrapped his arms around her and rolled onto his back, holding her close as she rested on top of him. For a long time all he did was caress her skin and occasionally kiss the top of her head, and without her having to ask, he found the rug burn on her back and settled his warm, healing hand upon it.
“I wish I could keep you,” she sighed as she caught her breath.
“Is that what you’d like, my little dove?” he murmured.
“Yeah. You could heal my blisters every time I break in a new pair of shoes,” she joked. “Plus, you’d make a great sex slave.”
“That’s the only thing that holds your interest?” He sounded utterly disenchanted.
“No, it’s not the only thing,” Annika quickly tried to assure him. “But it’s not like you can actually come home with me. You don’t even have a social security number.”
“What kind of number is that?” he asked innocently, but she only laughed at him.
“It doesn’t matter. You don’t have one, and I sure can’t smuggle you into the country in my fairy box. You need documents, like a visa or a passport. Besides, it’s ridiculous to even think about.” She shook her head at the thought, but then something she hadn’t counted on happened. The more she thought about it, the less it sounded ridiculous and the more it sounded feasible.
“Why is it so far-fetched?” he asked, picking up on her ideas. “I’ve traveled to the modern world plenty of times, so why not America? You can teach me how to operate your car, and we can drive down one coast of the continent and come back up the other side! Wouldn’t that be an amazing adventure?” Before the romance of the idea could register, she found a way to crush it.
“Come on Talvi, get real,” she said as she pulled
her shirt back on. “That’s not going to happen. I’m going back to my life, and you’re going back to yours. I just hope we can open the portals back up soon. I miss my family so much, and I know they’ve got to be worried sick about me. I’ve been gone over a month and a half now…actually it’s been almost two months.”
“What if…what if we never do mend the portals?” Talvi asked slowly. “What if you were trapped here forever?”
“I don’t know. What if I was? What the hell would I do? Get a job waiting tables at the Tortoise and the Hare? Help your brother translate documents? Live with Runa and Hilda in their cave?” She snickered, but he didn’t think it was funny. “What’s wrong?”
“I thought at the very least that you’d want to come home with me,” he said quietly. She felt slightly sick to her stomach and a lump formed in her throat, somehow managing to make her eyes slightly tear up, but she swallowed the sadness away.
“Even if I did, what am I supposed to do? Hang out making banitza for your dad until I drop dead in front of you fifty years from now?” His wore a wounded frown, but he didn’t answer her. “If there was a way for it to work out, I might let myself…I might not…things could be different. Maybe you should pay attention to those stories.”
“What stories?” he asked.
“You know, like the one about the elf lady who married the human guy, and all their kids were born human and died except the one boy? And then she couldn’t deal with it so she threw herself out of the tower; remember that story?”
“Believe me, I know that story by heart,” he said wearily. “I am so sick of hearing it.”
“So don’t you ever think about how it relates to us? Because I sure do.”
“Blast it all, Annika! I think about it every day!” he cried in exasperation. “It’s rather difficult to not look out my bloody window at that bloody tower and be reminded of that bloody story!” Annika shivered in response to the tone in his voice.
“You mean the tower back at your house?”
“Yes! It was my grandmother who threw herself out of it—that’s the reason why no one goes in there,” he huffed, his voice wavering just enough for Annika to realize how strong his emotions ran. “She couldn’t cope with outliving her husband and all but one of her children, which happened to be my father. By the time he found her on the river rocks at the bottom of the cliff, it was too late. No one survives a fall like that.”
“I’m sorry Talvi. I didn’t know,” she whispered, aghast.
“Well now you do,” he said as he looked to the side. “I never knew her. But that’s why Father won’t allow us in there. He only visits it every few years or so. Sometimes I sneak up there just for the view, but it’s unsettling. I swear, the only thing that lives up there are bats and melancholy.”
“Why doesn’t he just tear it down then, if it makes him so sad?”
Talvi’s eyes riveted to hers.
“Would you tear it down?”
“Hell yeah, if it was that depressing to look at.”
“You would destroy the last memory of someone you loved that much? And I thought I knew you.” He was looking at her with a strange perplexity. Annika didn’t know how to respond, and she lay next to him in uncomfortable silence for a while.
She imagined him having the same fate if she were to stay, and she imagined being more than a little blue without him around anymore. As many faults as she could find in him, there were so many qualities that won her over. How many times in her life had she ignored her instincts and instead followed her unseasoned logic down a more difficult or painful path? How many times in her life had she trusted her impulsive heart and everything worked out as if by magic?
“Do you love me or not?” he asked her, point-blank. “Would you really tear down that tower?”
“I…I…” Annika faltered. She’d built a wall around her heart ages ago, back when she was still with Danny and still of the mindset that a lifetime of sitting on the couch with him was as good as it was ever going to get. Now she felt as if Talvi had popped out of nowhere and taken a bulldozer to the very foundation of that wall. For a moment she entertained the notion that maybe he could love her the way she’d always wanted to be loved, the way she’d always dreamed of being loved, if only for a brief part of her life.
“You try to act like you’re only interested in being physical with me, and yet you know I can hear what you’re really thinking,” he accused. “You don’t want to admit it to anyone, including yourself, but you went so far as to write it down in the same journal you write your music in. Obviously your music and your beliefs are important to you, so why do you continue to push me away?”
“Because I don’t want you to go through what your grandma did! I don’t want you to hurt like that!” she stammered, trying not to cry.
“Stop worrying about me, about what hasn’t even happened. That’s no way to live a life. Spending all of your time wondering ‘what if’ will rot you from the inside out. It hurts me more that I have you in front of me and yet you hold me at arm’s length! What for? Just let me love you. I don’t think it’s asking too much,” he implored, and stroked her hair. She felt cold and guilty, hearing his words of devotion and wanting to walk away from them. How could he be so sure about her? How could he throw such caution to the wind? She wanted to be that fearless, that brave. She wanted so desperately give in, but she couldn’t allow it.
“Maybe it is asking too much, Talvi,” she said. “I didn’t sign up for this. Weren’t you the one who suggested I find something pleasurable about being here? I’m not looking for anything serious; it’s just a fling. If you were human it would be totally different. I’d probably even marry you, and we both know how I feel about trapping myself a husband!” She got up quickly and stumbled though the cargo, running up the stairs to her room.