“You’ve entertained us so marvellously,” Tilo was saying. “Now we are the tourists, and someone else plays for us! It makes a pleasant change.”
“I would love to hear that song when it is finished,” Sonja said, and she seemed really to mean it. “Maybe one day I will hear it on the radio. Who knows?”
“Yes,” Tilo said, “and then Sonja and I will play our cover version to our customers!” His big laugh rang through the air. Then he did a polite little bow and said: “So today we are in your debt three times over. A splendid lunch. A splendid choice of hotel. And a splendid concert here in the hills!”
As we said our goodbyes, I had an urge to tell them the truth. To confess that I’d deliberately sent them to the worst hotel in the area, and warn them to move out while there was still time. But the affectionate way they shook my hand made it all the harder to come out with this. And then they were going down the hill and I was alone on the bench again.
THE CAFE HAD CLOSED by the time I came down from the hills. Maggie and Geoff looked exhausted. Maggie said it had been their busiest day yet and seemed pleased about it. But when Geoff made the same point over supper-which we ate in the cafe from various left-overs-he put it like it was a negative thing, like it was awful they’d been made to work so hard and where had I been to help? Maggie asked how my afternoon had gone, and I didn’t mention Tilo and Sonja-that seemed too complicated-but told her I’d gone up to the Sugarloaf to work on my song. And when she asked if I’d made any progress, and I said yes, I was making real headway now, Geoff got up and marched out moodily, even though there was still food on his plate. Maggie pretended not to notice, and fair enough, he came back a few minutes later with a can of beer, and sat there reading his newspaper and not saying much. I didn’t want to be the cause of a rift between my sister and brother-in-law, so I excused myself soon after that and went upstairs to work some more on the song.
My room, which was such an inspiration in the daytime, wasn’t nearly so appealing after dark. For a start, the curtains didn’t pull all the way across, which meant if I opened a window in the stifling heat, insects from miles around would see my light and come charging in. And the light I had was just this one bare bulb hanging down from the ceiling rose, which cast gloomy shadows all round the room, making it look all the more obviously the spare room it was. That evening, I was wanting light to work by, to jot down lyrics as they occurred to me. But it got far too stuffy, and in the end I switched off the bulb, pulled back the curtains, and opened the windows wide. Then I sat in the bay with my guitar, just the way I did in the day.
I’d been there like that for about an hour, playing through various ideas for the bridge passage, when there was a knock and Maggie stuck her head round the door. Of course everything was in darkness, but outside down on the terrace there was a security light, so I could just about make out her face. She had on this awkward smile, and I thought she was about to ask me to come and help with yet another chore. She came right in, closed the door behind her and said:
“I’m sorry, love. But Geoff’s really tired tonight, he’s been working so hard. And now he says he wants to watch his movie in peace?”
She said it like that, like it was a question, and it took me a moment to realise she was asking me to stop playing my music.
“But I’m working on something important here,” I said.
“I know. But he’s really tired tonight, and he says he can’t relax because of your guitar.”
“What Geoff needs to realise,” I said, “is that just as he’s got his work to do, I’ve got mine.”
My sister seemed to think about this. Then she did a big sigh. “I don’t think I ought to report that back to Geoff.”
“Why not? Why don’t you? It’s time he got the message.”
“Why not? Because I don’t think he’d be very pleased, that’s why not. And I don’t really think he’d accept that his work and your work are quite on the same level.”
I stared at Maggie, for a moment quite speechless. Then I said: “You’re talking such rubbish. Why are you talking such rubbish?”
She shook her head wearily, but didn’t say anything.
“I don’t understand why you’re talking such rubbish,” I said. “And just when things are going so well for me.”
“Things are going well for you, are they, love?” She kept looking at me in the half-light. “Well, all right,” she said in the end. “I won’t argue with you.” She turned away to open the door. “Come down and join us, if you like,” she said as she left.
Rigid with rage, I stared at the door that had closed behind her. I became aware of muffled sounds from the television downstairs, and even in the state I was in, some detached part of my brain was telling me my fury should be directed not at Maggie, but at Geoff, who’d been systematically trying to undermine me ever since I’d got here. Even so, it was my sister I was livid at. In all the time I’d been in her house, she hadn’t once asked to hear a song, the way Tilo and Sonja had done. Surely it wasn’t too much to ask of your own sister, and one who’d been, I happened to remember, a big music fan in her teens? And now here she was, interrupting me when I was trying to work and talking all this rubbish. Every time I thought of the way she’d said: “All right, I won’t argue with you,” I felt fresh fury coursing through me.
I came down off the window sill, put away the guitar, and threw myself down on my mattress. Then for the next little while I stared at the patterns on the ceiling. It seemed clear I’d been invited here on false pretences, that this had all been about getting cheap help for the busy season, a mug they didn’t even have to pay. And my sister didn’t understand what I was trying to achieve any better than did her moron of a husband. It would serve them both right if I left them here in the lurch and went back to London. I kept going round and round with this stuff, until maybe an hour or so later, I calmed down a bit and decided I’d just turn in for the night.
I DIDN’T SPEAK MUCH to either of them when I came down as usual just after the breakfast rush. I made some toast and coffee, helped myself to some left-over scrambled eggs, and settled down in the corner of the cafe. All through my breakfast the thought kept occurring to me I might run into Tilo and Sonja again up in the hills. And though this might mean having to face the music about Hag Fraser’s place, even so, I realised I was hoping it would happen. Besides, even if Hag Fraser’s was truly awful, they’d never suppose I’d recommended it out of malice. There’d be any number of ways for me to get out of it.
Maggie and Geoff were probably expecting me to help again with the lunch rush, but I decided they needed a lesson about taking people for granted. So after breakfast, I went upstairs, got my guitar and slipped out the back way.
It was really hot again and the sweat was running down my cheek as I climbed the path leading up to my bench. Even though I’d been thinking about Tilo and Sonja at breakfast, I’d forgotten them by this point, and so got a surprise when, coming up the final slope, I looked towards the bench and saw Sonja sitting there by herself. She spotted me immediately and waved.
I was still a bit wary of her, and especially without Tilo around, I wasn’t so keen to sit down with her. But she gave me a big smile and did a shifting movement, like she was making room for me, so I didn’t have much choice.
We said our hellos, then for a time we just sat there side by side, not speaking. This didn’t seem so odd at first, partly because I was still getting my breath back, and partly because of the view. There was more haze and cloud than the previous day, but if you concentrated, you could still see beyond the Welsh borders to the Black Mountains. The breeze was quite strong, but not uncomfortable.
“So where’s Tilo?” I asked in the end.
“Tilo? Oh…” She put her hand up to shield her eyes. Then she pointed. “There. You see? Over there. That is Tilo.”
Some way in the distance, I could see a figure, in what might have been a green T-shirt and a white sun cap, moving along the rising path
towards Worcestershire Beacon.
“Tilo wished to go for a walk,” she said.
“You didn’t want to go with him?”
“No. I decided to stay here.”
While she wasn’t by any means the irate customer from the cafe, neither was she quite the same person who’d been so warm and encouraging to me the day before. There was definitely something up, and I started preparing my defence about Hag Fraser’s.
“By the way,” I said, “I’ve been working a bit more on that song. You can hear it if you like.”
She gave this consideration, then said: “If you do not mind, perhaps not just at this minute. You see, Tilo and I have just had a talk. You might call it a disagreement.”
“Oh okay. Sorry to hear that.”
“And now he has gone off for his walk.”
Again, we sat there not talking. Then I sighed and said: “I think maybe this is all my fault.”
She turned to look at me. “Your fault? Why do you say that?”
“The reason you’ve quarrelled, the reason your holiday’s all messed up now. It’s my fault. It’s that hotel, isn’t it? It wasn’t very good, right?”
“The hotel?” She seemed puzzled. “That hotel. Well, it has some weak points. But it is a hotel, like many others.”
“But you noticed, right? You noticed all the weak points. You must have done.”
She seemed to think this over, then nodded. “It is true, I noticed the weak points. Tilo, however, did not. Tilo, of course, thought the hotel was splendid. We are so lucky, he kept saying. So lucky to find such a hotel. Then this morning we have our breakfast. For Tilo, this is a fine breakfast, the best breakfast ever. I say, Tilo, don’t be stupid. This is not a good breakfast. This is not a good hotel. He says, no, no, we are so very lucky. So I become angry. I tell the proprietress everything that is wrong. Tilo leads me away. Let’s go for a walk, he says. You will feel better then. So we come out here. And he says, Sonja, look at these hills, aren’t they so beautiful? Aren’t we fortunate to come to such a place as this for our vacation? These hills, he says, are even more wonderful than he imagined them when we listen to Elgar. He asks me, isn’t this so? Perhaps I become angry again. I tell him, these hills are not so wonderful. It is not how I imagine them when I hear Elgar’s music. Elgar’s hills are majestic and mysterious. Here, this is just like a park. This is what I say to him, and then it is his turn to be cross. He says in that case, he will walk by himself. He says we are finished, we never agree on anything now. Yes, he says, Sonja, you and me, we are finished. And off he goes! So there you are. That is why he is up there and I am down here.” She shielded her eyes again and watched Tilo’s progress.
“I’m really sorry,” I said. “If only I hadn’t sent you to that hotel in the first place…”
“Please. The hotel is not important.” She leaned forward to get a better view of Tilo. Then she turned to me and smiled, and I thought maybe there were little tears in her eyes. “Tell me,” she said. “Today, you mean to write more songs?”
“That’s the plan. Or at least, I want to finish the one I’ve been working on. The one you heard yesterday.”
“That was beautiful. And what will you do then, once you have finished writing your songs here? You have a plan?”
“I’ll go back to London and form a band. These songs need just the right band or they won’t work.”
“How exciting. I do wish you luck.”
After a moment, I said, quite quietly: “Then again, I may not bother. It’s not so easy, you know.”
She didn’t reply, and it occurred to me she hadn’t heard, because she’d turned away again, to look towards Tilo.
“You know,” she said eventually, “when I was younger, nothing could make me angry. But now I get angry at many things. I don’t know how I have become this way. It is not good. Well, I do not think Tilo is coming back here. I will return to the hotel and wait for him.” She got to her feet, her gaze still fixed on his distant figure.
“It’s a shame,” I said, also getting up, “you having a row on your holiday. And yesterday, when I was playing to you, you seemed so happy together.”
“Yes, that was a good moment. Thank you for that.” Suddenly, she held out her hand to me, smiling warmly. “It has been so nice to meet you.”
We shook hands, in the slightly limp way you do with women. She started to walk away, then stopped and looked at me.
“If Tilo were here,” she said, “he would say to you, never be discouraged. He would say, of course, you must go to London and try and form your band. Of course you will be successful. That is what Tilo would say to you. Because that is his way.”
“And what would you say?”
“I would like to say the same. Because you are young and talented. But I am not so certain. As it is, life will bring enough disappointments. If on top, you have such dreams as this…” She smiled again and shrugged. “But I should not say these things. I am not a good example to you. Besides, I can see you are much more like Tilo. If disappointments do come, you will carry on still. You will say, just as he does, I am so lucky.” For a few seconds, she went on gazing at me, like she was memorising the way I looked. The breeze was blowing her hair about, making her seem older than she usually did. “I wish you much luck,” she said finally.
“Good luck yourself,” I said. “And I hope you two make it up okay.”
She waved a last time, then went off down the path out of my view.
I took the guitar from its case and sat back on the bench. I didn’t play anything for a while though, because I was looking into the distance, towards Worcestershire Beacon, and Tilo’s tiny figure up on the incline. Maybe it was to do with the way the sun was hitting that part of the hill, but I could see him much more clearly now than before, even though he’d got further away. He’d paused for a moment on the path, and seemed to be looking about him at the surrounding hills, almost like he was trying to reappraise them. Then his figure started to move again.
I worked on my song for a few minutes, but kept losing concentration, mainly because I was thinking about the way Hag Fraser’s face must have looked as Sonja laid into her that morning. Then I gazed at the clouds, and at the sweep of land below me, and I made myself think again about my song, and the bridge passage I still hadn’t got right.
NOCTURNE
UNTIL TWO DAYS AGO, Lindy Gardner was my next-door neighbour. Okay, you’re thinking, if Lindy Gardner was my neighbour, that probably means I live in Beverly Hills; a movie producer, maybe, or an actor or a musician. Well, I’m a musician all right. But though I’ve played behind one or two performers you’ll have heard of, I’m not what you’d call big-league. My manager, Bradley Stevenson, who in his way has been a good friend over the years, maintains I have it in me to be big-league. Not just big-league session player, but big-league headliner. It’s not true saxophonists don’t become headliners any more, he says, and repeats his list of names. Marcus Lightfoot. Silvio Tarrentini. They’re all jazz players, I point out. “What are you, if you’re not a jazz player?” he says. But only in my innermost dreams am I still a jazz player. In the real world-when I don’t have my face entirely wrapped in bandages the way I do now-I’m just a jobbing tenor man, in reasonable demand for studio work, or when a band’s lost their regular guy. If it’s pop they want, it’s pop I play. R &B? Fine. Car commercials, the walk-on theme for a talk show, I’ll do it. I’m a jazz player these days only when I’m inside my cubicle.
I’d prefer to play in my living room, but our apartment’s so cheaply made the neighbours would start complaining all the way down the hall. So what I’ve done is convert our smallest room into a rehearsal room. It’s no more than a closet really-you can get an office chair in there and that’s it-but I’ve sound-proofed it with foam and egg-trays and old padded envelopes my manager Bradley sent round from his office. Helen, my wife, when she used to live with me, she’d see me going in there with my sax and she’d laugh and say it was like I was
going to the toilet, and sometimes that’s how it felt. That’s to say, it was like I was sitting in that dim, airless cubicle taking care of personal business no one else would ever care to come across.
You’ve guessed by now Lindy Gardner never lived next to this apartment I’m talking about. Neither was she one of the neighbors who banged the door whenever I played outside the cubicle. When I said she was my neighbour, I meant something else, and I’m going to explain this right now.
Until two days ago, Lindy was in the next room here at this swanky hotel, and like me, had her face encased in bandages. Lindy, of course, has a big comfortable house nearby, and hired help, so Dr. Boris let her go home. In fact, from a strictly medical viewpoint, she could probably have gone much sooner, but there were clearly other factors. For one, it wouldn’t be so easy for her to hide from cameras and gossip columnists back in her own house. What’s more, my hunch is Dr. Boris’s stellar reputation is based on procedures that aren’t one hundred per cent legal, and that’s why he hides his patients up here on this hush-hush floor of the hotel, cut off from all regular staff and guests, with instructions to leave our rooms only when absolutely necessary. If you could see past all the crêpe, you’d spot more stars up here in a week than in a month at the Chateau Marmont.
So how does someone like me get to be here among these stars and millionaires, having my face altered by the top man in town? I guess it started with my manager, Bradley, who isn’t so big-league himself, and doesn’t look any more like George Clooney than I do. He first mentioned it a few years ago, in a jokey sort of way, then seemed to get more serious each time he brought it up again. What he was saying, in a nutshell, was that I was ugly. And that this was what was keeping me from the big league.