Page 57
Author: Pepper Winters
“Don’t you dare use Clara against me!” Furious tears sprang to my eyes. I couldn’t believe his nerve.
He shook his head. His thumbs rubbed my shoulders; every sweep was like a tiny bomb restarting my heart, reminding me what he had was unique and way too special to destroy.
Fox pressed his face against mine, giving me no choice but to see the soul deep pain inside him. “I’ll never be able to tell you how much I loved your daughter and how much she cured me. I’ll never be able to show the depth of my hatred for myself for leaving you when you needed me most. I’ll never have the words to beg for your forgiveness and be worthy. But I need you, Hazel. I thought I could walk away and let you go, but I can’t. I need you too damn much. You make me feel alive. You make my fucking heart beat for the first time, and I’m not going to give that up.
“No matter how you fight me, I will never stop. Every day, I’ll try again and again. Every hour, I’ll touch you, just to prove I’m willing to be everything you need and deserve. You’ll never be free of me because I can’t live another day without you in my fucking life. ”
I wanted.
I desired.
I wanted to buckle and let him sweep me away.
He’ll kill your unborn baby. He ran when Clara died. You can’t do this.
My entire body vibrated; I couldn’t control myself. Snarling, I hissed, “You used us. You bought me, and you fell for Clara, but it was all to fix you. It was all about you. Fucking you. You, you, you.
“All your talk of never letting me go because you can’t live without me. All your promises that you can be worthy. It’s all still about you!
“What about me and Clara—what we needed? I gave you everything, including my daughter, and what has it done for me?”
I tore out of his grip and shoved a finger in his face. “I’ll tell you what it’s done for me. It’s shown me I’m better off on my own. You have no choice in the matter. I won’t allow you to touch me or chase me or hope for a second chance. It’s over!”
The image of the little boy swamped me again. I knew in my bones I carried a son. His son. The son I would raise on my own. The son he wouldn’t know about as he was too volatile, too fucked-up to trust.
“You’re not safe. I’m not going to put myself in harm’s way anymore. I’m done, Fox. You need to forget about me. ”
I hated every word. Half of me believed them, the other half wanted to wash my mouth out. I spun lies just like my past, mixing with truth until I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.
“Don’t fight, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad. ”
I almost folded in two as my heart tore itself into pieces.
“Fuck, Hazel. ” Fox sucked in an unsteady breath, dragging shaky hands through his hair. “Please. Let me show you. I’ve changed. Let me tell you where I went. I’ll never hurt you again. Just please—don’t walk away and make me lose you, too. I won’t fucking survive it. And I’ve survived too much to let you give up on me. I won’t fucking let you!”
My heart wanted to believe him. I wished I could forgive and trust him, but I was empty. He’d used up all my reserves. The fight had drained me. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep. There was nothing left. I couldn’t fall back into old patterns and keep hoping he was safe. I didn’t want to live in fear of touching him or never having sex without bondage.
I’m pregnant.
I had to think of the fragile life inside me, not just his needs and my own. I had to be strong.
Straightening my back, I said, “You don’t have the choice. You lost me the moment you left. ”
Swallowing hard, I looked at him, committing him to memory. He looked like he’d been to war and not come back. With bronze hair and a body scarred with tales, he’d proven too broken to fix. I could’ve spent an entire lifetime trying to piece him back together and never figured out the complete picture.
Boundless grief squeezed me.
“Stop fighting. Forgive him. ”
Fox lost the element of fighter, letting me see the truth for the first time. Beneath the scar and anger he was terrified, lost, and all alone. My heart broke all over again.
“Zel. Please. Tell me how I can fix this. ”
I couldn’t do this anymore. He was like a black-hole sucking all my energy until I swayed in the wind.
God, Clara. I miss you so much. I need you here. I need you to repair the mess I’ve made.
“Fix it? How can you fix it? Are you a necromancer and can bring back my daughter? Can you heal my broken heart? Can you stop this awful eclipse inside me?”
He hung his head, gritting his teeth. His muscular arms wrapped around himself, holding tight.
My fingers twitched to reach for him, to wipe away the lone tear that trickled down his face. He looked so broken. Throbbing with agony, living with the twin of my pain. We were two halves of a shattered circle. Microscopic pieces that couldn’t survive without the other. And I wouldn’t survive if I gave into him. Fate had screwed us over.
It was time to end this once and for all.
With shaky hands, I pushed aside my long hair and unclasped the necklace from around my throat. Clara’s star sat above my own, clinking together ever since the hospital gave me back her belongings.
“Can I give Roan my star? I can’t take it with me. ”
I sucked in a breath, battling my tears. She wanted Fox to have it. I would honour her wish.
Pooling the silver into my palm, I held my hand out. “Here. She wanted you to have this. ”
Fox’s eyes fell on the necklace and a feral, heart-wrenching noise erupted from his chest. Something exploded inside him and he hurled himself at me. Large arms wrapped around my body, squeezing me tight.
Life ended.
Then began again.
Noise ceased.
Then came again.
Heat froze.
Then enveloped again.
Sorrow disappeared.
Then settled again.
I left behind Hazel Hunter the second his arms clutched me against him. I became nothing more than a woman adored by a man so deeply destroyed he would never be perfect.
Every spark that existed between us fried my brain, kick-started my heart, and consumed my senses. I breathed in smoke and metal. I pressed against firm muscle and body heat. I was nothing but his.
His.
His.
His.
I was alive, wanted, worshipped. I believed his promises. He would never run again. He would fight beside me and love me always.
I broke.
Tears cascaded into a soul-grieving waterfall. I stood mute and frozen in his arms as Clara filled my thoughts.
“I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad. ”
The breeze twirled around us and I swore I heard her whisper, “I’m glad you’re not fighting anymore. Don’t fight, mummy. Save him. ”
“Hug me back,” Fox murmured, pressing a kiss on my ear. His lips sent tingles and love right into my heart. It didn’t feel right falling so deeply only moments after my daughter’s funeral. Propriety and heartbreak tried to stop me from reeling into a future where I might just learn how to be happy.
Fox squeezed me harder, kissing the salty tears running down my face. “Hug me, goddammit. I need you to touch me. I need to show you I can be who you deserve. I need to know I haven’t ruined everything. ”
“He needs you, mummy. ”
With Clara in my thoughts, I tentatively raised my arms and looped them around his back. The moment I touched him, he tensed.
I froze, battling hope and fear inside me. He said I had a power over him. That wasn’t true. He had a power over me: he could snap my spine and steal my life and in that very moment I wouldn’t have cared. His arms were an aphrodisiac, a heady promise that made me sacrifice my lif
e all too easily.
Fox’s body shuddered around mine, feeling like a taut string about to snap. “Hug me harder. I can do this,” he whispered. He sounded strangled, out of breath.
When I didn’t obey, he clutched me tighter. “Do it, Zel. ”
Thinking of Clara and how much I wished it was her I hugged, I wrapped my arms harder, banding like a prison around his waist. If he killed me at least I would be with her sooner than I’d planned. I could stop fighting for everything that I wanted and just rest.
Fox shuddered, stiffened, jerked, but he kept his promise and didn’t hurt me. His biceps twitched against my arms as he gathered me even closer, as if he could weld us together.
My mind swam with connection; my body sparked and tripped everywhere he touched. Now I knew what it felt like touching your perfect other—the missing half.
Fox nuzzled my neck, his hot breath caressing me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I left because it was the only option. I did it to keep you safe—to give you a future. I want to deserve you, Zel, and never put you at risk again. I know I’ll never deserve you, but let me serve you with my life. Let me spend every day trying to be better so one day you can love me. ”
My legs threatened to buckle as weakness filled me. Weakness for what he offered. Weakness for needing him.
I do love you and that’s what cripples me.
With my last reserves, I tried to stop the inevitable. “You were meant to help me save her. You were meant to save me. ” I sucked in a breath, running out of oxygen as grief took me hostage once more. “You—you—” My voice broke and my heart died all over again. “You were supposed to save both of us, yet you didn’t. She died, Roan. She’s—she’s—she’s gon—” I couldn’t finish as massive sobs exploded from my lungs.
A week I’d cried but I hadn’t found comfort in tears. I hadn’t found peace or a place to heal.
But now I did.
It felt caustic and healing and purifying.
Tidal wave after tidal wave.
I let go.
My heart broke, and I crumbled. I let everything free and drenched his black shirt.
Fox held me, giving me somewhere to cling. He smoothed my hair and kissed my cheek and fed me strength just by holding me.
He gave me what I needed all along. He smashed all my reservations that he couldn’t give me what I desired and proved love could change anyone—no matter how destroyed.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” he murmured. He rocked me until my legs gave out, then scooped me into his strong arms.
I barely noticed I went from vertical to horizontal as my mind wept for everything I’d lost. Fox cuddled me close just like I’d wanted and dreamed for. His heartbeat thudded thick and loud beneath my ear, giving me an anchor to focus on.
“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad. ”
“I’m here and I’m never leaving. You don’t have to fight on your own anymore, Zel. ” His voice rumbled in his chest, sending shockwaves through my body.
My eyes filled with fire. A pain that burned and stabbed and lacerated as I cried and cried and cried. The eternity of relief he granted turned me from woman to puddle. The knowledge that my battles were halved; that every high and low would now be shared sent another crash of sorrow over me.
If only I’d met him sooner. If only the doctors had found out about Clara sooner. If only…if only.
“I’ll give you everything, Zel. Everything that I am. ” He kissed my jaw, my temple, my cheek. He worshipped me in kisses. “Please. Don’t make me beg. I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from you. I can’t. I need you so fucking much. ”
My back ached; every part of me was in pain. I was utterly ruined.
Tilting my chin upward, Fox pressed his lips against mine, drinking in the salt from my tears. He murmured against my mouth, “You’re mine, and I refuse to live without you. ” He made me swallow every regret, every sadness he lived with. “You’re mine, Hazel Hunter. And I’m taking you home to heal. ”