23.
I never knew in my whole life what true love was. There was at least one time that I thought I was in love. My heart of course, was rapidly ripped from my chest. There was another time, in which I fell in love with another woman's sadness. She was married and straight. It seemed I was always getting myself involved with straight women. As usual, it wasn't I who initiated, but rather the married woman herself who came to me. For some reason, I felt it my duty as a human being to try to fix another. I became involved with this woman, not sexually, but rather emotionally. I gave her the attention that she truly needed. The attention that her husband wouldn't spend one minute to provide, our bond became strong. She would come to me for everything that she needed and I would help her as much as possible. I became fond of her family and her three children became my light. Her husband seemed nice to me. I didn't see the disgusting things that she told me he did in his eyes. Our friendship spanned over a five-year period. She took ill and so did her mind. I was her rock and tried to help her through it as much as possible. She would call me at times, screaming and in pain asking me why God was putting her through this. There is not much you can tell another soul that is suffering, or why God has forsaken them. There was a series of events that occurred in which she was torn from my life. The worst part about being lied to, is that they didn't think you were worth the truth. I thought I meant more to her than that. The series of lies became more apparent as people who knew her told me more and more things about her. My heart was sincerely broken. Not one day went by that I did not think about her. I truly missed her, so very much. At one point, I found her number. I just wanted answers to know that what others spoke of her was not the truth. But she could not find the time to tell me. It took a very long time for me to get over her, but I did.
My heart became stone cold after that. I could not bear to look at another woman. It took at least six months for me to get over missing her. I still think of her every now and then. Despite all the lies that she told me, I still wish her well. You can always forgive a person, but forgetting, that's the hard part. I figured, perhaps one day maybe I should get my answers. Maybe we could even become friends again, as far as me trusting her, that's as a whole different beast.
A love that cannot be broken. Paige was Paige and I knew the first moment that I saw her, I wanted to be with her. After having my trust destroyed in the past, I could not help but have questions about our relationship. The biggest thought was if it was out of necessity. That was a big possibility. She was stuck in a life, a life that was dark and closeted. She had as well, many demons in her closet. She spoke of her true love and her son and often I wondered if she still missed him, her true love. I wondered if he was still on her mind daily. I knew she thought of her son every day, that was a given. But I could not help but feel a little bit of jealousy for her first true love. Even if our relationship was a sham, I figured I had my heart broken enough, that if something happened to Paige and I, I would recover. But deeper inside of me, I wished and knew Paige and I was for real.
The summer began to move on. The days became shorter and the smell of fall began to plant itself into the air. At least at work, Paige and I were strictly business. We made sure we got there and got the job done, with quality and care.
It became hard to be apart from Paige. I spent most of my nights, lying in my bed staring up at the ceiling thinking of her. I still had my nightly nightmares and Paige, when she could, found her way into my bed and laid her warm body next to mine. It was not every night though, and the nights that I found her vacant from my bed, where the nights that I suffered the most.
It seemed our excursions on horseback out to the forest became more and more frequent. It was the only time that we could truly spend together without the prying eyes of others. Each and every time, our love making became more and more passionate. The fresh air, the wind blowing through the pines. The blue skies were sometimes riddled with puffy white clouds that were sometimes cascaded by a lightning show. I held her in my arms, feeling her body quiver as she climaxed, with the thunder rumbling in the distance.
Afterward, we would lay with each other in our arms. I didn't want to, but I often brought up the subject of if her father ever found out, what would he do? She wouldn't say anything, but rather shrugged it off. I didn't want to think of it either, though our encounters became closer and closer together, someone would become suspicious.
The last days of summer had gone and past behind us. September came and we continued to work as usual. I was happy with the new trade that I had learned. I never thought I would ever find what I was meant to do in life, but it seemed, handyman/home-building/home repairs/carpentry, was my calling. I picked it up quickly and didn't mind at all the physical labor; I much rather enjoyed it. I found myself at peace in the work that I did. As September came to a close, I was on more projects with Clive, building cabinets and creating dining sets.
October had passed by with a breeze. With Clive and I working so close together, Paige and I were left further apart. We saw less of each other, each and every day. Every day, all I could think of was her. Paige was like a wanted plague upon my mind. At times, my mind became truly a cluster fuck, for all I thought of was her.
November was finally upon us. I was given the heads-up by Barrett at dinner that my second season of training would begin to start soon. I knew what that meant, absolutely no more time with Paige.
As the night progressed, I continue to look at Paige and her at me, exchanging small simple subtle smiles during dinner. At one point, I turned away from her and continued with my plate, I saw Barrett in the corner of my eye with a terrible frown.
A tingling sensation sent its way up my spine as I felt Barrett get a heads up. As Paige walked me down to my room, I said nothing. I didn't want to alarm her, for I was becoming a nervous wreck. As she leaned in to kiss me, I quickly pecked her and wished her a good night.
The night was unnerving. Even with the help of music, it took me time to get to sleep. I kept seeing Barrett's facial expression over and over again in my head. How his crusty white lips rolled over his semi-fuzzy beard. How his blue eyes became dark beady ones. Finally, all thoughts flushed into a nothingness of darkness.