CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Oh, boy, oh, boy. A half an hour after her encounter with Brennan in the driveway between their houses, Erica sat in a modern-art chair in the office of Terrence Nickel, the business advisor to whom Grover Hamilton had referred her. She kept her gaze on Nickel's face as he went through the papers she'd brought, but her mind was still replaying Brennan saying all those incredible things while standing there looking heartbreakingly vulnerable.
What was she to make of him? Of everything he'd told her? Sex with her had been the most wonderful experience of his life? He wanted a relationship with her...on equal terms?
"This is a very good start," Terrence Nickel finally remarked, looking up from Erica's pathetic attempt at a business plan.
No, no. She would not think of it as pathetic. She had to stop thinking that way about herself. Maybe her father was responsible for creating her low self-esteem. He'd never given her the love she'd craved. But it was on Erica now if she chose to retain that poor self-image.
She had to stop doing so. Immediately.
This was why she'd made an appointment with a business advisor. She wanted to treat her business as if it was worth something. For a change.
"Have you a page in here that talks about expenses?" Nickel asked.
"Well, that's going to depend..." Erica leaned forward to pull forth one of the papers. It was difficult to say out loud words she would have considered presumptuous a few days ago, but she forced herself to articulate her ideas to the professional.
Nodding at her explanation, Nickel made some notes on a pad. He did not stare at her and tell her to stop her fantasy dreaming. It seemed that because she'd treated herself as serious and worthy of consideration, he was doing the same.
Amazing. Respect was as easy to come by as that.
While Erica watched Nickel continue to make notes, she wondered if a similar phenomenon might have happened between herself and her father if she'd given the both of them a chance. The man Richard Carmichael had become over the past ten years might have treated her as if she were worth something—worth being his daughter—if she'd thought she was worth something, too.
After her talk with Liam, she'd realized she'd had it backwards. All this time she'd thought it was her father she considered to be the unacceptable one. But it had actually been the other way around. It was really herself she'd considered unacceptable. She hadn't come home in all those years because, deep down, she'd been afraid her father would see she was unacceptable—and he'd reject her all over again. She hadn't been willing to risk such rejection because what she'd actually wanted, with utter desperation, was to be loved.
Nickel glanced from his notes to Erica's pages. Her heart sank. He was the one who was going to reject her now: because of her silly business plan, because she was not as much of a prize as Brennan had acted like she was in the driveway, because... Jeezus, she was still holding onto that low self-esteem like it was a security blanket.
Nickel looked up and straight at her. The corners of his lips twitched into a small smile.
A mocking smile? No, Erica thought he probably meant it to be reassuring.
"Erica," he said. "Are you ready to get serious?"
She took in a deep breath. "That's why I'm here."
His smile broadened. "Good."
He hadn't mocked her decision. He was pleased. Erica let out the breath she'd been holding.
It occurred to her that Brennan had asked her a similar question about the personal side of her life. Was she ready to take herself seriously?
She was not yet sure of her answer.