Billy and Ferret walk into Billy’s two-story, upper middle class home. They stop at the bottom of the stairs.
“Mom!” Billy yells.
Billy’s mom, Joyce Apple, comes from the kitchen. She is 39 and like Billy has a red delicious apple for a head. Joyce Apple is always upbeat and full of energy. She is dressed like a stay at home mom who is about to leave for a community watch meeting for which she is the leader.
“Hey Mom, look what I found in the woods. Can I keep it?” Billy pleads.
“Well isn’t he cute!” Billy’s mom replies.
“And you’re a handsome woman… which brings up a question. Do you know what zoo sadism is?” Ferret asked flirtatiously.
“Can I keep him?” Billy asks again.
“I don’t know. Is he housebroken?”
“Well, I’m not gonna poop in your bed, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Ferret admires Joyce’s heels. “But I’m a bigger fan of shoes. Don’t worry though, we could call them ‘little surprises.’ I think it makes it a little more classy. Don’t you?”
Joyce giggles.
Ferret looks on, intrigued by the giggling piece of ripe cougar fruit in front of him.
“Well, aren’t you darling,” Joyce adds. “What do you usually eat?”
“Whoever buys me dinner. I’m pretty liberal that way. Oh wait, you said what. I thought you said who. My mistake. That one’s on me.”
Joyce giggles again.
“Hmmm, I like you,” Ferret says with a sly smile. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to make me anything special. Just set another plate at the table and keep your feet to yourself during dinner.” Ferret laughs an almost perverted laugh at his joke. Joyce giggles like a school girl.
Staring at Ferret with a come-hither look, Joyce addresses her son. “Darling, he’s just precious. Sure you can keep him.”
Ferret turns to Billy. “Why don’t you make your call. I’m gonna scout out the best lawns to leave my little surprises on.” Ferret gives Joyce a wink about his “surprises” reference and then leaves.
Joyce watches Ferret walk out. After she does, she takes a moment to imagine ripping Ferret’s fur off and making sweet apple-ferret love to him. She lets out a cougar purr.
Billy, unaware of the sparks flying between the two, goes upstairs to his room.
In his very clean yet typically decorated bedroom, Billy jumps onto his bed. He then calls Tia who picks up. She is on the bed in her adventure themed bedroom.
“Hello?” Tia asks, surprised who’s on her caller ID.
“Hey, Tia, this is Billy.”
Tia is excited. “Billy? This is the first time you’ve ever called me.”
“Yeah, a friend told me to call you to find out what Candy’s dad is like.”
This isn’t what Tia was hoping to hear. “Candy’s dad? Why?”
“I’m supposed to figure out how to ‘do’ Candy to get revenge on her. And I have to get some information on Candy’s dad.”
“How is ‘doing’ someone going to help you get revenge?”
“I’m not sure, but my friend said that ‘doing’ someone is even better revenge than a Dirty Sanchez, so...”
Tia doesn’t understand either reference so she moves on.
“Huh. Yeah, Candy told me that you keep a really tiny pickle in your pants.”
Billy’s mouth drops open in both shock and embarrassment.
Tia, oblivious to what she is referring to, continues, “But I don’t understand. If the pickle is that small, why do you keep it in your pants? Why don’t you leave it at home or just give the pickle to your mom? My mom said that she can’t get enough pickles. And I’ve seen it. Whenever someone gives a pickle to my mom she can’t stop smiling afterwards.”
Billy, who is embarrassed, answers, “My dad told me that if I gave the pickle to my mom I would want to pluck my eyes out afterwards.”
“Huh, maybe your mom doesn’t like pickles. Well, the next time you see her, you should give the pickle to my mom. And if your pickle is small enough, you should ask her to swallow it whole. I’ve seen her do it. It’s very impressive.”
Billy stares blankly with his mouth hanging open. He is unsure what to say next.
Arriving home, Jack walks into the kitchen of his upper middle class home. He is the only one there.
“Mom, Dad, I’m home.”
Jack’s mom and dad, Wendy and Sam Banana, are in the living room.
“Honey, come in here,” Jack’s mom says.
Jack walks into the well decorated living room to find his parents seated in front of the fireplace. Wendy is seated across from Sam and, like their son, they each have a banana for a head.
“Hey, mom,” Jack says. “Ahhh!” Jack screams as Ferret spins around in a lounge chair.
“Honey, have you met Billy’s new pet?” Wendy asks.
“We saw this guy pooping on the lawn, and we just had to invite him in to say hello,” Jack’s dad explains.
“Did you know your parents are delightful?” Ferret asks Jack.
“And you know, he told us the darnedest thing,” Wendy says.
“Yeah,” Jack’s dad continues. “He said that you’re the gay one in your group.”
“But I don’t wanna be the gay one,” Jack replies, feeling the pressure build in his banana.
“Don’t be silly, son. We’re delighted,” Wendy reassures him.
“In fact, if I didn’t meet your mom when I did, I would probably be some leather man’s full-time gag boy by now.”
“And before I met your dad, I was face down in so much cherry pie that my nickname was custard.”
Both parents laugh, and Jack stares at his parents in shock.
“Like I said, delightful,” Ferret smiles.
*****
Chapter 4
That night, Billy lays in bed asleep. With everything else still and quiet in the room, Ferret slowly rises up from the shadows on the opposite side of Billy’s bed. He looks down at Billy’s head and slowly extends his very long tongue to lick Billy’s apple. But, just as he’s about to lick, Billy turns over, forcing Ferret to stop. With his tongue still extended, he slowly lowers himself to where he came from.
*****
Chapter 5