The mob of parents, with the Michael Jackson device in tow, chases the hoard of children into the woods. The parents stop at the tree line.
“It’s no use. The Michael Jackson device will never make it through there. What can we do?” Joyce asks.
Jack Banana’s dad, Sam, addresses the crowd, “Wait, everyone. Maybe we should let them roam freely in the forest like feral children. Maybe they should live free from the constraints of society and an overbearing mother that traps and controls them.” Sam becomes lost in thought. “No, mother, I don’t want to become a doctor. I don’t want to become a doctor.”
Molly’s mom rebuffs the idea, “But if we did that, would we be considered good parents? I say that we should be good parents.”
“But is there anything that we can do?” Billy’s mom asks.
The ferret, who is quietly watching, speaks up, “Did you know that in the olden days, when an angry mob chased someone into the woods, they would then set the forest on fire to flush them out?”
“We’ll burn the forest down,” Molly’s mom yells to the crowd.
The mob cheers. “Hooray!”
“We’ll take the Michael Jackson device to the other side and wait for them to come out,” Joyce directs.
People with torches set the forest on fire.
All of the kids are in group deep in the woods. Billy, Jack and Sandy are with Candy, Molly and Tia.
Billy, the designated leader of the group, stares at the flames and smoke approaching in disbelief. “I can’t believe it. They set the forest on fire.”
Jack panics. “What do we do? What do we do?”
Candy turns to Billy, “Yes, what do we do, Cher?”
Billy looks around as the flames approach the kids. “Everybody run!”
The kids run, but the flames encircle Billy, Jack and Sandy. Candy, Molly and Tia stand outside the flames looking back at the boys.
“We’re surrounded,” Jack proclaims.
“You are all going to have to jump through the flames,” Candy yells over the crackling.
“We’re gonna have to do it,” Billy agrees.
The boys jump through the flames and their clothes catch on fire.
In a panic Candy yells at the boys. “Quick, take off your clothes! Take off your clothes!”
The boys take off their clothes and are standing in front of the girls naked.
Tia looks at the boys and has a sudden flash. “Oh, I get it. You didn’t mean an actual pickle. Oh, and you’re right. His is a lot bigger than the others,” Tia admires.
Billy and Sandy look across at Jack’s crotch. Both say, “Dude!”
Jack, embarrassed, yells, “I can’t help it! It has a mind of its own.”
“You’re making us look bad,” Sandy says under his breath.
Candy, released from her love trance, addresses the group with a new found purpose. “We’ve got no time for this. Let’s go.”
The kids run out of the forest into an open meadow. As they filter out they find themselves surrounded by the mob of parents. Directly in front of them is the Michael Jackson device.
“Oh, no!” Molly proclaims. “Candy, what do we do?”
“I don’t know,” Candy replies.
Billy, standing in the middle of all of the chaos, suddenly realizes what he must do. He lowers his head in resignation. “Oh, crappers!” He then gathers his courage and steps to the front of the hoard.
“Everybody stop. Stop everybody. This is crazy.” The crowd stops. Even the Michael Jackson device quiets down. “All of you want to turn us into Michael Jacksons because one of us was curious about the way life works. We’re growing up. You have to expect that to happen.”
Molly and Billy’s moms are standing next to the device. Molly’s mom speaks, “But it’s our job as parents to make sure that you can enjoy childhood as long as possible.”
The mob screams, “Yeah!”
Billy rebuts. “No, it’s your job to prepare us for all aspects of life. How are we supposed to become adults with healthy attitudes about sex if you teach us that exploring our sexuality is wrong?”
A parent yells, “The naked boy is right.”
“But it’s a dangerous world out there,” Molly’s mom yells to the group. “If you learn too much too fast, bad things could happen to you.”
Billy speaks up again, “Yes, but the world isn’t the same as when you grew up. We need to be prepared by being given more information and more ways of understanding, not less. We appreciate you trying to protect us, but you have to give us some room to make mistakes so that we don’t make bigger mistakes later.”
“Billy’s right,” Joyce adds. “We were so caught up in the fact that we were losing our babies that we forgot our most important job: to help prepare them for the world they will be joining, not the one that we grew up in.” Joyce looks at Billy with love in her eyes. “Come here, son.”
Billy walks into his mom’s arms and all of the kids walk toward their parents.
Jack Banana, feeling that he can use the current flexibility of the crowd, gathers his courage and addresses the group. “And also,” he begins, “I know everybody means well, but I don’t wanna be the gay one.”
A parent from the mob turns to look at Jack. The parent is about to agree with Jack when he yells out, “Hey, why does that kid have an erection?”
“He’s the gay one,” another replies.
“Ooooh!” the first parent acknowledges.
Jack lowers his head in defeat.
Billy’s mom hugs her son. Afterwards she looks into Billy’s eyes wondering how she could have considered doing what they were going to do. “I don’t even understand how we got to this point,” she says.
“Yeah, how did we get to this point?” Billy wonders aloud.
“Hmm,” Joyce says with resignation. “I guess we’ll never know.”
With her arms around her son they walk off.
Looking on from outside of the mob is Ferret. And with the demeanor of an evil YouTube chipmunk, he whips his head around to reveal a sinister side.
The End.
*****
Follow the author Cristian YoungMiller on twitter: @RateABull_guy
Connect with the author on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cristian-YoungMiller-The-Author/163837133675218
*****
Check out other books in the Everybody… series by Cristian YoungMiller including:
Everybody vs The Ferret: 2
In Everybody vs The Ferret: 2, the girl fruitheads discover the magical power of going braless, and they unleash that power in their never-ending quest to rule the school. The boys, who are under the girls' spell, must rescue themselves and the school before the power of bralessness consumes everybody and takes over the world.
Based on characters from the author's Everybody Masturbates book series, Everybody vs The Ferret is a satirical book series about how we deal with sex and life in the Internet Age. In every book, Billy, Jack and their pet ferret battle Candy, Tia and the girls in the cold war being waged over who will rule their school. Comparable to the animated TV show South Park.
Everybody vs The Ferret: 3
In Everybody vs The Ferret: 3, the girl fruitheads discover a mysterious button on their body that when pressed transports them to a beautiful world full of unicorns and rainbows. But when the boys discover their own mysterious buttons, a battle breaks out between the boys and girls over who will rule the magical realm.
*****
Everybody Masturbates
Everybody Masturbates is the perfect gift idea for anyone from age 8 to 42. In the style of the classic book Everyone Poops, Everybody Masturbates is designed to make boys and girls of all ages feel comfortable with masturbation. (It also makes a great party gift for adults.)
Everybody Masturbates: for Girls
Everybody Masturbates for Girls is the perfect gift idea for girls between the ages of 7 and 38. Also, in the style of the classic book Everyone Poops,
Everybody Masturbates: for Girls addresses the specific issues that girls have in accepting their emerging sexuality. (It also makes a great party gift for adults.)
Everybody Has Those Thoughts:
So It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay
Everybody Has Those Thoughts: So It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay is a great gift idea for anyone from ages 13 to 55. Written in plain, easy–to-read text, this book discusses why otherwise straight people have same-sex thoughts and dreams. Sexual arousal in same-sex situations doesn’t automatically mean someone is gay. This book will help the reader figure out their sexual orientation. (It also makes a great party gift for adults.)
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