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“No,” I confessed and for the first time in a long time I felt the truth resonate in my ears, a soul-lifting word that freed me from self-imposed, invisible bondage. “No, it was safe, and honest, but not like Kiran…. nothing like Kiran…. I mean I trusted, I still trust Jericho, with every piece of me, but our love was…. comfortable. And Kiran is…. dangerous. In more ways than one, but it’s like when I loved Kiran I was risking something, and not just my life, but my soul. I took Jericho’s love and made it my own, but I offered Kiran my heart and then fell into the tornado of his love. Everything about being in love with Kiran was exciting and thrilling. His love was an adventure. I mean, not just our lives, but the feelings I had for him were…. all-consuming. ”
“But you don’t feel that way now?” Lilly had never been more careful with me in her life and I felt her reserve, her fear in hurting me.
“How could I? Look at what he’s done to my life? How could I love him?” I questioned her, demanding the answers that I wanted to know so desperately.
“I don’t know, Eden…. You’re the only one that can decide that,” she said sadly, “But I do know that when Talbott apologized to me, there was nothing in our past that could have kept me from him. Like you said, he offered me his heart and I knew without a doubt that a future with Talbott was worth whatever heartache we went through in the past. I love him despite all odds, but in a confident way that won’t let me question his motives or waver in my trust for him. He hurt me, yes, but I don’t think any kind of love is without some kind of hurt along the way. It’s how we get to know each other better, how we decide what’s for real…. what’s the eternal stuff, what is going to push us closer together and seal the bond between us. My past doesn’t matter anymore, because Talbott is my future. ”
She was glowing by the time she finished. The confidence she proclaimed she had in Talbott sparkled in her expression and pulsed through her magic. I fell silent, taking her words to heart and genuinely wondering if I would ever believe they could be true for me.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Over his tiramisu, he looked at me again with his turquoise, piercing eyes. I averted my gaze up, then over, then to Bianca who looked radiant in a long-sleeved gold cocktail dress that matched the color of her long hair. She smiled across the table, so my eyes kept moving.
Everyone seemed to be watching us, watching me. The dining room table, full of talkative guests of the king, stretched across the formal dining room in decadent elegance. I sighed, realizing what this was.
A trophy case.
Lucan knew what would happen at the hunting lodge. He knew his son. The funny thing was that Kiran never planned to take me there; Fate had intervened and given Lucan the advantage. And now he stocked his dinner table with friends and enemies in order to show me off. He ruled the kingdom, had taken Amory’s magic, and now possessed me.
Thoughts of Lucan’s arrogance and vile existence sent shivers throughout my body, turning my electrified blood cold. I found his eyes, the one pair I didn’t shy away from, the one pair I could swallow my social-awkwardness and meet with purpose. He wasn’t looking at me, he was deep in conversation with some mystery dignitary, but victory spread across his face in a confident smile and twinkling eyes. His magic, which usually suffocated rooms and weighed heavily on us all, seemed to float lightly through the air and swirl in happy gusts of strong energy.
I set my dessert down, suddenly sickened. Soon, Lucan. Soon, I would wipe the arrogance from your face and save these people that pretend out of fear to be devoted to you. Kiran’s fingers tracing over my collarbone abruptly pulled me from my musing. When I glanced up, I saw the watchful eyes of the rest of the guests and realized the hatred narrowing my eyes and paling my face might confuse them when they followed my gaze.
“Sorry,” I sighed, leaning into Kiran familiarly, hoping to reassure the guests. I wouldn’t be responsible for Lucan’s punishment if he caught on.
“For what?” He whispered, his lips touching the top of my ear. Maybe I wasn’t as transparent as I felt.
“Uh, for canceling your dinner plans last night,” I recovered and then wanted to smack myself in the forehead. Meanwhile, his magic pulled mine into intimate connection, and his closeness sent my stomach fluttering with butterflies.
I felt him laugh gently next to me. He didn’t believe me. When did he get to know me so well? I still felt like he was one giant mystery….
I smoothed out my black cocktail dress on my lap. I dressed simply tonight, tired of the gowns and galas. The dress clung to me in ways that revealed curves no seventeen year old should rightfully have. I didn’t realize how sexy it could be until after I put it on. I chose it for its high collar and capped sleeves, feeling like they would be more modest than usual, but the dressed gathered from both sides to a middle seam and created the illusion of curves, I didn’t normally possess. And it was short. So maybe I had been crazy when I thought the dress would be modest.
“I’m glad you did, actually,” Kiran surprised me with his answer. He looked especially gorgeous tonight in a shiny blue suit jacket and matching impeccably tailored pants. I wanted to make fun of him for dressing so overtly trendy at first, but his look was edgy, sexy…. I couldn’t stop looking at him. And underneath the jacket, a crisp white dress shirt opened at the collar, revealing his neck. I had never, not once before tonight, looked at a man’s throat and lusted.
Not once before tonight….
And then he knocked on my door to escort me to dinner; and my eyes fell on the hollow place of his throat and I had to hold myself back from…. from I don’t even know what. But it involved a lot of kissing and maybe some ripping off of his clothes, possibly buttons flying off and more than likely would end with me throwing him down onto the king-sized bed that would one day be ours.
There was something drastically wrong with me.
“Are you listening?” he interrupted my musing of his open collar.
“Hmmm?” I lifted my gaze reluctantly from his throat to his eyes and gave him my attention.
“I said, I’m glad you canceled last night, it gave me some time to think,” I didn’t have anything sarcastic to say, so he continued, “I hated you with Jericho. I loathed every minute of it…. ” he smiled darkly at me and I wanted to argue with him, but we were in the middle of a room full of people that expected me to adore him. I stayed silent. “And in my daydreams, I pictured you realizing your intense, if not…. consuming feelings for me, telling Jericho he could go to hell, and then running directly into my arms. I may have been, uh, misguided. ” He smiled bashfully, and his cheekbones reddened in embarrassment.
“No, not misguided,” I soothed mockingly, “completely delusional. ” I flashed him a wicked grin, and he narrowed his eyes at me briefly.
“Despite my delusional preconceptions of your breakup, what happened after…. what happened at the lodge propelled this idea further. ” It was my turn to blush shamefully. “After we separated yesterday I took some time to reflect. As painful, no, as hateful as it is for me to admit this, you might have actually had feelings for Jericho after all. And it is unfair for you, as well as me, to ask you to forgo your grieving period. ”
“So formal,” I teased, inwardly breathing deeply for the first time in seventy-two hours. “Do you have a contract drawn up for me to sign?”
“That would have been a brilliant idea,” Kiran mused.
“Except I don’t think you would have liked my terms for the length of grieving period. ” I lifted a finger and pointed it at him, to prove my point.
“That is where you are wrong,” Kiran reached for my finger, holding it in his grasp playfully at first, and then he dropped it to his lap and intertwined our fingers intimately. “You may have as long as it takes to get over Jericho before I start pursuing you again. And even then, I will not ask you to fall in love with me. But I will try, Eden. I cannot help myself but try. ” Our entire conversation
was spoken in furtive whispers so that none of the guests would assume anything but that we were already in love. And for a second, with his nearness sparking my blood, and my chest thrumming rapidly in my chest, I started to believe that we were too.
“Thank you,” I whispered sincerely.
He held my gaze for a moment longer; his magic seemed to pierce through me with heady desire. I ignored it, trying to believe that he couldn’t help himself, forcing myself to believe he just gave me more time. Although, now that I had it, I wasn’t so sure I wanted it. A part of me, a larger part of me than I wanted to believe existed, hoped he would pursue me without reprieve so that when I eventually gave in I wouldn’t have to take the credit. If his love captured me, than I could always, even silently, blame him for our relationship. If he gave me time, if he let me get over Jericho and choose him, then it would be of my own will and desire. I would have no other choice then to take responsibility and own my feelings for him. He was smart. And I had to admire him for not only the space he forced himself to give me, but the way he protected his own heart.
But now, without Jericho in between, and with full knowledge of his feelings, there was this friction between our bodies. It flickered frenetically in the dead spaces separating our untouching skin. The air between us was hot, burning my body as if Fate itself decided it could no longer be patient with us. There was an electrical charge sparking aggressively, pulling me toward him, tilting my head in his direction, moving my eyes to find his and shocking my heart with the love that used to run through it so purposefully. Worst of all, this wasn’t anything like magic, it had nothing to do with our selfish electricities or habit-formed magics.
This was something more.
Something raw and carnal.
Something much like desire.
He moved his body away from me, an attempt to offer me space and I should have been thankful. I should have breathed easier. Instead, I sat mourning the distance between us, wondering if I could ever find a way to fix it. To fix myself.
The inches between us became a cavern, a great space with silence so strong it rang loudly in my ear. Soon, all I could concentrate on was the distance between us, on his hands that were not touching me anymore, on his gaze that drifted over the room and I began to panic, irrationally, and stupidly panic.
And then his arm fell across my shoulder, and he moved into me. I exhaled, long and slowly and closed my eyes in relief. I prayed he didn’t notice my reaction, my…. response to him. It didn’t make sense. Not even to me, nothing made sense anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered incredulously. “I just received the death stare from my father. You would think the king would disapprove of public fondling, but apparently it’s greatly encouraged at this table,” he joked, making the situation light, making my heart light.
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Talbott escorted me back to my room after dinner. Kiran originally asked Sebastian to do it, but he ran off with Seraphina after dinner and Talbott had been more than willing to volunteer in his place. Not that a glimpse of seeing Lilly held any appeal for him or anything….