“He’s not the only one. I worry about you dying of sheer boredom stuck in this bunker all day.”
“Yeah right!” She laughed and playfully pushed my chest. “You’re real worried about me! Wanting to bring me right to the Lighter’s table.”
“I do worry but I also know you can handle yourself. I really do wish you could go. I trust you. We make a good team.”
The way I said it must have revealed something. The look she gave me was strange. Her laughing eyes softened and she studied my face.
“We do. I wish I could go too. Be careful, ok. Please?”
“I always am.”
“No, I mean it. Don’t be your usual cocky self. Please, be careful and make sure you come home. Promise?”
I let my mind run for just a few seconds, that she was telling me to come home because she loved me and wanted me.
“I will. I promise,” then I lifted her hand to kiss it, feeling like this would be a perfect opportunity to, and saw something that brought me screeching back to reality.
Her bright, shiny, little silver ring on her finger. The ring indicating not only that she belonged to someone else, but my best friend. Not only that but they were crazy in love with each other and according to the story had risked a lot to get married. Merrick had wanted her to have it all exactly like she had dreamed, risking his own life to put that ring on her finger the proper way, in the church and official.
My chest hurt with an ache of shame as I realized how far I’d let this fantasy go on.
I released her hand without kissing it as the song ended. She could see a change come over me and crinkled her forehead like she does in worry.
“Are you ok?”
Sweet Sherry. She would never expect anything but chivalry from me. She has no idea the devious, sinister things I’ve thought and fantasized about.
“I’m fine, just tired.”
And as I walked away, I knew she could tell that I was lying.
But I didn’t stop.
The Long Kiss Goodnight
Chapter 9 - Lillian
Mitchell took me to the laundry room, turning over some crates for us to sit on. I could hear the music coming from the commons rooms as we navigated the hallway.
He pulled two soda cans from the shelf and handed one to me as we took our seats.
“Wow, Mitch. You always think of everything,” I said, laughing as mine spewed a little on the concrete floor.
“I try. I found these stashed on the back of the shelf. They’re not cold but...”
“It’s perfect.” I took a sip. “Mmmm. Hot flat cola. It’s almost as good as watermelon.” I elbowed him playfully. “Thank you.”
“Doubtful, but your welcome. Um, so I heard that Cain is going to a rally Friday night for the new Taker at some club in town.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. They, the Keepers, are going to ask you to go with him. You’re the only not Special female that hasn’t been compromised so... but that doesn’t mean that you have to. I want you to know you don’t have to do this.”
“Well. I don’t know. I might have to. Mitchell, they’ve helped us so much. If they need me-”
“That doesn’t mean you have to do this. You’ll be mixed in with Lighters and rallyers. I know you’re immune to the Lighter speak but that doesn’t make it any less dangerous.”
“Well. Maybe I should wait for them to ask me first. Maybe they were just talking.”
He took a long drink of his soda then put the can down on the floor beside him. I put mine down too. He turned to look full on me.
“I don’t think so. I didn’t bring you here just so they could try to send you out or you could send yourself out on every mission out of guilt or responsibility,” he said low but harshly.
“But that’s not why I would be doing it. We can’t just think about ourselves here.”
“I’m not! I’m thinking about you!” he all but yelled.
“Mitch. What has come over you?”
I stared at him. He’s never yelled or raised his voice to anyone but Polly in defend of me.
He took my hands. Not like usual. This time he laced our fingers and he stared at them for a moment. Then looked up to me.
“What’s come over me is you. I care about you and I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“I care about you too. That’s why I’d do it. We need all the information we can get to help us. All of us.”
“You care about me?” he asked but refused to look up to my eyes, just watched our hands with odd fascination.
“Of course I do.”
What is he wanting me to say here? Is he wanting me to confess my feelings? I don’t want to hurt him. I like him but, do I like him the same way? I can’t lose him too. I need my best friend.
“Do you? Really?” He met my gaze and held it. His thumbs caressed the insides of my wrists sending embarrassing shivers through me. “I’m not sure it’s the same kind of care as I feel for you.”
“What kind of care do you feel? I know you’re protective. Michael would appreciate it, as I do. But like I said, I don’t want you to feel obligated.”
“And like I said, I’m here because I want to be. I care for you very much, and not just as a Keeper.”
“You’ve been very good to me,” I said and it came out way softer than I intended, so I looked away.
“And I’ll keep being good to you. I want to always be here for you, keeping you safe, as close as you’ll let me be.” He turned me back to face him with a finger under my chin. “I know you miss Michael and I would never try to replace him...and...” he cleared his throat, “I know I’m not human, but I’m here. Whenever you need me, whatever you need. I’m here, Lil.”
The close proximity was affecting my breathing. I let the words sink in and tried to find hidden meanings. Or maybe they weren’t hidden. Maybe he was trying to tell me exactly what he was saying.
I couldn’t process a response. I was so confused. Beyond confused. I did miss Michael but as I told Sherry, I couldn’t help but feel something for Mitchell. What exactly that was, I didn’t know yet. Or was it just hero worship because he was so protective of me? What should I do?
My body seemed to respond without my permission, making up my mind for me. I leaned forward, which wasn’t far to go because we were already so close. I placed my hands on his knees to steady me and let our lips touch.
His hands immediately came up to frame my face and I was thrilled that he didn’t push me away, so I hadn’t misinterpreted. Now I just had to decide if I liked kissing him or not. I pressed my lips to his harder, opened my lips against his and felt him do the same. It’d been so long since I’d kissed anyone and I realized, he never had.
He was breathing heavy and so was I. Our knees interlaced as we sat and turned toward each other on our crates. He smelled of the soap I used to clean his shirt this morning. His lips were hard but gentle and his five o’clock shadow scratched my cheeks.
I have no idea how long we kissed before I broke off. He didn’t release my face but put his forehead on mine. There weren’t fireworks, but it was nice all the same.
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he said breathlessly.
“Then why didn’t you.”
“For one thing, this body is almost twice your age. And another, I didn’t think you wanted me to. You’ve always been so content with just being my friend.”
“I don’t care about your age. I was confused about Michael and everything else going on. Confused about you. I had no idea that you felt anything more than obligation to me,” I said and pulled back a little to look at him. “I was scared. I still am.”
“You don’t have to be scared with me. I’m not gonna pressure you. I know this is a situation to be careful with. I just want to be here for you.”
“I know. And I’m grateful but...”
“But what?”
“Maybe I’m ready for you to not be so careful with me anymore,” I said
shocking even myself and I heard his breath hitch.
He eyed me intensely with some wonder and sympathy mixed in. His fingers wiped at my cheeks, that was when I realized I was crying.
“Are you? I’m not gonna rush-”
I cut him off with another kiss. That’s when I knew I was ready. Ready to move on. I wasn’t in love with Mitchell. I knew that. But I was in like with him. This wasn’t something I’d jumped into. I had thought about this. And now I’m ready. Ready to leave Michael in the past as the sweet memory he was and start something new because who knew how much time we had left to live anyway.
Mitchell didn’t hesitate. He pulled me closer and kissed me back with enthusiasm. This time his arms went around my waist and mine went around his neck.
Once again, time went away from me. At some point we pulled away reluctantly, realizing the music had stopped and things had gotten quiet again. It wasn’t the best kiss ever but it was good. I still wasn’t sure what I felt for him. I already knew that Miguel, with that accent - ah - was attracted. I’d seen him follow me with his eyes around the room. And Cain was being super sweet to me too and incredibly charming and his sea green eyes... But I just wanted to kiss Mitchell, to see that I still could.
Mitchell pulled me up from the crate.
“It’s late. We should get to bed,” Mitchell said then paled. “I mean, by ourselves. I wasn’t implying-”
“Mitch, I know.” I laughed because it was funny. “It’s ok. I know what you meant. I am really tired, but I need to talk to Sherry first.”
“Ok. I’ll walk you, if that’s ok.”
“Of course it is,” I insisted.
He seemed pretty happy and satisfied as he walked me back to the commons room, holding my hand and left me with Sherry before heading to his room for the night.
Sherry eyed me with a mixture of amusement and I-told-you-so. I smiled at her and squatted down in front of her.
“You were right. I’m ready. Thank you.”
That was all I said before heading over to Cain, who looked to be sulking on the staircase. His head in his hands, his elbows on his knees.
“Cain?”
He looked up and immediately pasted on a smile.
“Hey there.”
“About Friday night? I’m in. I’ll go with you. Let me know what time you want to leave and what you need me to do and I’ll be ready. G’night.”
And I left before anything could talk me out of it.
The next morning, I woke up late. I pressed my fingers into my aching eyes and then stretched my legs, flexing my toes. I half expected to run into warm flesh, another body beside me. It was still weird to sleep by myself, without Michael.
Before this we’d been sleeping wherever we could find a place, mostly not beds of any kind, so it was hitting me hard then just how things had changed. And how much I missed sleeping next to someone.
I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, or I’d lay here all day, and changed my clothes and left the room. The hall was deserted as was the commons room. I saw Cain heading up the steps, out of he bunker. I wondered what it was he did out there. No one else ever went outside, it was kinda forbidden I guess you’d say.
So, naturally, being the bored and curious girl I was, I decided I’d follow him.
I lifted the hatch door, a heavy wooden creaky beast. I remembered the stock room from the other day when that woman had brought us through here. We’d showed up here because of a flyer someone saw at a truck stop. He didn’t want to stay he’d said but knew the Lighters were bull crap so he stored the info for later. And then told us where to go when he happened to spot us wandering around.
I placed the door back quietly and looked around at the high shelves...and bumped right into Cain.
“Oh!” I cried and silently cursed my always bumping into people lately. I tried to think of something to say as he sat and looked at me with cocked head and amused face. “Busted?”
He laughed and it was wonderful. It sent a wave of nerves through me. His face, which had been tight with concern or something, even in his jest, released and now looked five years younger. He seemed stressed and maybe even trying to cover up unhappiness. I didn’t blame him. I probably was too.
“Yeah. I’d say ‘busted’ fits here nicely. What are you doing?”
“Following you. Being bored. Wanting to be useful. Take your pick.”
“Well.” He smiled again. “I’m really the only one allowed out. We try to keep everyone inside to ward off any suspicions. If someone saw a bunch of people running around outside...ya know?”
“Yes, I know. I assumed as much, but really, I’m going stir crazy. I have to do something. What are you doing out here? Maybe I can help?”
“Well, Lillian. It’s your lucky day.” He leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. “I don’t follow the rules either.”
He grinned and placed a hand on my back to guide me out the back door. The sun hit my face and I wanted to gasp at the feel of it. You never knew when the sun would be out or it would be snowing or raining. It was a treat for it to be so mild outside and I soaked it in.
We walked to a small shed in the back, then behind it I saw a garden, covered with high tarps. I couldn’t tell what they were growing. There was barely green sprouts sticking out. They’d made a little sort of green house with all these tarps and I was impressed.
“So, what’s all this?” I asked, looking back at him.
“Our garden. Sherry and I came up with it. See, once the need warehouses come, we won’t be able to get enough food to feed everyone anymore, so, we’re gonna try to grow a majority of it. Right now we are stock piling. That’s why so many of us go on store runs every week.”
“Need warehouse? What’s that?”
He chuckled at some personal joke.
“Where you been?” he asked and then proceeded to tell me all about them and what had been Crandle’s plans. When he was through, I couldn’t help but shiver and think that the Lighters seem to think of everything.
He walked me around a little more and told me all the vegetables they were planting. How certain ones can grow in harsh conditions. I asked a few questions and he answered them.
I was trying to decide if I should go back inside when a strong gust of wind shot through the yard. It was so strong that I had to grab Cain’s arm to keep from falling over.
“This is another reason no one comes out here,” he yelled over the howl of the wind and tried to shield me a little with his body but it didn’t work too good. “It get’s pretty wicked sometimes.”
“I see that.”
Once it died down, I started to walk back to the store but was yanked back by my hair. I cried out at the pain and shock. At first I thought Cain had done it but it was so hard and hurtful, surely he wouldn’t have. I looked up and back. Sure enough, it wasn’t him but he saw what was happening the same time I did.
The wind had wrapped and knotted my hair around one of the poles that keeps the tarp over the garden. But with all the ties and twists and rope and all around the pole to keep everything together and tight, it was snarled within the mess of it and as I started to try to free it, I realized, it was stuck. Really stuck.
I started to panic a little. Cain tried to help as we pulled at and tried to separate pieces of my very long blonde hair, it was past my shoulder blades now, it wasn’t working, in fact, it seemed to make it worse.
“Uh, Lillian. I may have to go get some scissors,” he suggested.
“No! Please,” I cried. “Look, I know it’s stupid and silly but I- I love my hair. I don’t want to cut it, ok.”
We kept trying. We kept not getting it untangled.
“Dang it! Just dang it.” I was losing my hope of not cutting my hair.
“Lillian,” he said softly. “I promise you, you will look just as gorgeous with shorter hair. I think we have to cut it.”
“It’s not about my looks, Cain.” I wanted to cry. And that thought made me want to cry harder. I
was seriously about to cry over something as vain and girly and silly as hair. In the end of the world. But he didn’t understand. “Cain, I just...I need my hair, ok? Michael always-” I stopped abruptly and wished I could leave, but couldn’t.
“Your husband. He loved your hair. Is that it?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “I just feel like I...”
“Ok. Let me look around and see what I can find, ok? Stay here,” he said and gave me a cocky grin.
“Ha ha,” I said and couldn’t help smile too.
He came back a few minutes later with some kind of grease. Black grease. I didn’t ask what it was, I didn’t want to know. As long as I got free.
He rubbed it all over and around the ends of my hair and the pole and slowly started to pull and separate the pieces. Sometimes he had to yank slightly, holding the other side of the strand so as not to hurt me. It worked!
We pulled it all free and I tried to run my fingers through it but it was impossible. I couldn’t imagine the mess I must look. Black grease all in my snarled hair nest. But right then I didn’t care. I still had it for it to be a mess. I jumped right to Cain and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Thank you, so much. I know you think it’s silly, but...” I pulled back to look at him but didn’t let him go. “I don’t have anything. I have like five possessions to my name. Everyone has always loved my hair, my parents, Michael. I just couldn’t...get rid of it,” I admitted and wanted to cringe.
They was no way to explain it without sounding stupid.
“It’s ok. I understand, really.” I hadn’t realized his hands were still on my waist until then. His fingers flexed a little and I felt a flutter in my stomach. His face was inches from mine. “I understand better than you think. Being in this place that isn’t ours, with hardly anything that belongs to us. Just trying to survive. I understand.”
“Thanks, Cain. Really.”
“Ok,” he said awkwardly and stepped back like he just realized how close we were. He cleared his throat. “Uh, how about we go back inside. We’ll see if we can get you cleaned up.”
“Yes. Agreed.”