Now, here he was again. And I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to him. I’d lost the last two men I cared about, within the same year. No, I wasn’t in love with Mitchell but I still cared about him and it still wasn’t fair that I never got to explore that if that’s what I had wanted. He was my best friend, ever in my life.
Cain sat down beside me and pulled my feet into his lap once more and closed his eyes. We sat there for who knows how long. A couple hours dragged by. I knew because the glow from Cain’s watch was the only thing there to focus on. I think Cain slept but I couldn’t anymore. Eventually he opened his eyes and looked over at me.
“Hey,” he said softly.
“Hey,” I said and was glad to see I’d found my voice.
“I’d ask how you slept but, I bet I can guess the answer.”
“Surprisingly good for the circumstances. What does that say about me, huh?” I said and wiped the tears from my face.
“That you were exhausted and grieving.”
“Yeah. I guess. How are you? You didn’t sleep in here the whole night did you?”
“Uh...yeah.”
“Did you at least lay down?”
“I slept sitting up. It’s good for the joints.”
I was so glad to see that Cain would still be his same jokey self around me. I needed that now, more than anything else.
“Uhuh. So what you’re saying is, you thought I’d freak if I woke up and you were laying beside me.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
I laughed. I astonished even myself. I immediately wiped the smile off my face and felt the first wave of true guilt since I’d woken up.
My face must have said as much because he leaned over beside me.
“Hey.” He rubbed my shoulder. “It’s ok to laugh. You don’t think he’d want you to be sitting here crying all day, do you?”
“No. He wouldn’t. Cain. I feel so guilty. He really liked me and I...well I went out and had every intention of having fun with you.” I confessed all, to clear my conscience. I wasn’t catholic, but at this point, I felt it couldn’t hurt to get it all out. “If that meant kissing, then so be it. I was actually hoping you’d kiss me. I had made the decision to be over Michael. To be done with grieving and move on. It didn’t have to be Mitchell. Though I didn’t feel the same I figured I might could try with him. But I had no idea that you might feel something for me other than friendship until last night, unless last night was just party kisses.” He started to interrupt, to contradict but I held up my hand and then continued.
“But to be honest, the reason I feel so much guilt over the whole thing, wasn’t because I felt like I betrayed him, it was because I didn’t care enough about him. After kissing you last night, I had planned on telling Mitchell that I wasn’t interested in him that way. And now...I’ll never get to tell him. He died thinking I was out thinking about him and liking him as more than just a friend.”
“Maybe it’s better that way. He died happy.”
“Maybe. But it doesn’t make me feel any better. I miss him already. He was my best friend-” I choked and sniffled. “Before we came here I had no idea that Keepers...dated. I honestly thought he was just protective because that’s what Keepers were. And then when we got here and I saw Merrick and Jeff. It made me wonder about his feelings for me and then he confirmed my suspicions. When he kissed me, it felt good. But it was because it’d been so long since anyone had shown me any real affection. Or so I thought. It was just so good to kiss someone again. Is that terrible?”
“No.” He chuckled sadly and scooted over next to me on the floor, pulling me into his side. “No. I don’t think that’s terrible. I think you’re human. We were made to love each other, weren’t we? All you need is love and all that.”
“Yeah. I guess so.” I punched him lightly in his gut. “Worse Beatles song ever, by the way.”
He laughed but I still felt terrible, inside and out. I felt terrible that I hadn’t cried it out yet and felt on the verge of bursting. I felt terrible that Cain’s warmth was seeping through my shirt and I wanted to just lay here with him all day and not move. I felt terrible that I needed a shower and that’s what I was thinking about.
“Well, you want to get some breakfast? I haven’t eaten yet this morning. We’ve had a little...drama going on.”
“Do tell,” I croaked trying to direct the conversation to something else.
“Maybe later, when I can process it. Sleep deprivation and starvation don’t mix. Breakfast?”
“Do you mind if we just stay here for a while longer? You can lay down with me this time. Or-” I had a sudden revelation that he probably was tired of looking after me and ready to go on with his day. “You know what? I’m sorry. You go. I’m gonna just stay here for a little bit and I’ll see you later ok? Thank you for staying with me last night.”
“Whoa,” he said in defense and looked at me funny. “About face. What’s wrong?”
“I’m sure you don’t want to sit here with me all day.”
“I make my own choices. Always have.”
“I don’t want you to feel obligated or that I’ll fall apart if you leave me.”
“I have no doubt you’d survive.” He cocked his head. “You want me to go?” he asked and looked at me closely.
“No.”
“Then I’m staying. Because I want to.”
“Ok. Come lie down with me then.”
He went let me pull him gladly. We laid down, only our hands touching, facing each other. His watch ticked on and I stopped counting.
Separation Anxiety
Chapter 21- Sherry
I awoke to the sound of banging. Pots, I thought. Someone was cooking breakfast or lunch maybe. But I did not care. About anything. I felt like the rug had been pulled under me and I landed hard. On concrete. Naked. And at fifty miles per hour. It hurt. I hurt so bad I could barely breath.
I’d never been dumped before. Ever. Let alone by the one person I wanted more than anything. It was sudden, out of nowhere and unfounded. And creepy. Nothing added up and I was so very confused.
And he kissed Piper. The spawn of all my insecurities about him. The one person who thought she could take him from me. He kissed her. To retaliate? Revenge? Kicks? Just because he could now? I didn’t know any of those answers but it hurt so bad to think abut it. But that’s when you can’t stop thinking about something right?
I laid there on my blanket for at least half the day. I didn’t want to run into Merrick. As mad as I was at him for the Piper thing, I was more upset about his sudden interest in ending what we had. I had no idea what I’d say now if I saw him.
I knew I had to get up. Someone other than Cain was eventually going to come in and wonder what was going on. I wasn’t in a big rush to tell anyone myself. So I got up. Pulled up my pallet and put it off to the side. I made a break for the bathroom to freshen up. I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. Merrick wasn’t a liar. He really did think he saw what he says he saw. So what happened?
I looked ugly. Just ugly. My eyes were swollen and red from crying all night and my hair was a disaster. But I couldn’t make myself fix it. I pulled it back slackly and peeked out for my husband that no longer wanted me before making a break for the kitchen.
It was empty, thankfully.
The clock said it was almost two in the afternoon already so I made myself a cup of tea and ate some leftover cornbread on the stove. It was dry and there was no butter but it was food. I down the crumbly sweet salty square and tried not to think. I peeked again in the commons room for Merrick and, not seeing him, made my way to Danny’s room.
He was there with Celeste. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised.
“Hey,” he said drowsily and half sat up. “What’s up?” He looked at me with squinted eyes. “What’s wrong? You look like crap.”
“Thanks.”
“Just saying.”
“I’m fine. I...just upset about everything, you know?”
&n
bsp; “Yeah. Celeste finally went to sleep this morning. She was up all night with her mom. She still hasn’t come down.”
“Well, that sucks.”
“Yeah. So, what time is it?”
“Almost two.”
“Frig. No wonder I’m starving.”
“Want me to grab you something?”
“Would you?” He looked at Celeste and back to me. “I don’t want to not be here if she wakes up.”
“Yes, of course. Very sweet, Danny.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said but he was grinning.
“It is sweet,” Celeste said, eyes still closed. “I gotta tell you, Sherry. I have the best beauty siestas with your brother here,” she said groggily.
Danny and I both laughed silently.
“That’s good. Be right back,” I whispered.
I did my same secret operative procedure to go and get him some cornbread as I had before. Once I returned with it I sat with while he ate and then when he started yawning I backed out with a wave.
I sat outside his door and tried to think where I could go where I wouldn’t bump into Merrick. I wanted to see Lily, something awful, but her room was right next to ours and she was so perceptive. She’d know something was wrong with me, she always did. Plus, Marissa should already have her for school.
So I went over to the hall, passed the stairs and saw Ryan. He was sitting at the bench of the small piano there. Just sitting. I sat beside him.
“Hey, Ryan. How’s the leg?”
“Better. It’s tough being human and having all these limitations.”
“You’re preaching to the choir, pal,” I joked.
He laughed and shook his head.
“Sorry. It’s just...I’m not like the others. I haven’t had as much experience and earth time as they have. It’s hard adjusting. I feel like I’m missing something.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. But it’s there. Hanging in front of me like cheese to a rat. I chase it but can’t reach it.”
I was shocked. I’d never heard Ryan talk like this before. So open and forthcoming.
“Well, is there anything I can do? You are human now, Ryan. All humans go through things like that. Where we feel inadequate or without a purpose. Or with purpose but no direction. I know Merric-” I choked on his name. And took a small breath. “Merrick, he has those problems sometimes too. Where he feels a little useless because there’s so many of you together and we all just kinda exist together.”
“Yes! Yes, that’s it. That’s how I feel. Stuck and useless.”
I inched quietly and slowly into my next question.
“Would you go home? If you could?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “You would think the answer would be easy don’t you. Yes. I should want to go home. But...I’m not sure. I’m scared because I’m not sure.”
“Don’t be.” I looped my arm though his to soothe him. “It’s your life now. Calvin is safe and here. You can choose who you are now. I’m always here if you want to talk. You know that right?”
“Yes. Thank you. You are the kindest human I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting.”
I laughed a little shocked at his flattery.
“Oh, well, uh. Thanks.”
“I didn’t meant to embarrass you.”
“You didn’t I just...I never thought the word human would be attached to a compliment directed my way before.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Ryan,” I said in mock exasperation. “You don’t have to be sorry. Humans joke with each other. We laugh, we play, we bicker, we fight, we’re sarcastic. We love. We hate. We have good and bad in all of us. We just have to decide what you want to be. You’re kinda lucky if you think about it.” I turned to look at him full on. “You get a clean slate. A fresh start. No one knows you and there is no past to chase you. You can be whoever you want to be down here.”
“But what if I have no idea who I want to be?” he said sadly, his .
“Be you. I’ve met you and I like you just fine,” I crooned.
He smiled and rubbed my arm with his overly warm hand.
“Thanks, Sherry.”
“No problem. Now. You want to play something with me?”
I motioned towards the piano keys in front of us.
“I don’t know how to play.”
“I wasn’t under the impression that you did, Ryan,” I joked. “I can teach you a little. Here.”
I played the first few chords of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and then let him mimic me. He laughed when he got it right the first time.
“Ha! Will you look at that.”
“I told you. It’s easy once you figure it out.”
We did the next chords and he followed. We laughed as we kept playing and finally finished the song. Then we played it again.
“So,” Ryan said and looked me right in the eye. “Was this a display of metaphor? You showing me how I can mimic you on the piano just like I should mimic the rest of human behavior? Do you think that would help me to adjust better?”
“Well...” I dragged out. “I hadn’t thought of that, Ryan, but it sounds like you worked that all out on your own.”
“Well, it’s sound advice, I guess,” he said seriously.
“I guess,” I joked. “See, you didn’t need my help after all,” I said and bumped his shoulder with mine.
“Sure I did. Thank you, Sherry. I mean it. You have always been good to me.”
“You think too little of yourself. You are worthy of my friendship, Ryan. You don’t have to thank me every time I do something for you. That’s what friends do.”
“I’ve never had a friend before. I have no idea what they even means.”
“Well, now you do. We’re friends. You can ask me anything, talk to me about anything and I’ll always tell you the truth. Ok?” I said and smiled.
“Ok,” he said smiling too and it was strange how uneasy it seemed. I realized he didn’t smile too much, he had a good smile. “Now. Play something for me. Something more advanced than children’s rhymes.”
I smirked at him and turned back to the piano to play. It was almost supper time now, as I could hear them banging around in the kitchen. I began to play and had only gotten about twenty seconds into it when I looked around and saw Merrick coming down our hallway to the commons room. I watched him as I played and saw he was still angry and sleepy looking as he gazed at nothing and no one. His face was drawn and tight and his eyes were dark with no sleep.
He found my gaze, like he subconsciously sought it, and we locked gazes. Mine was pleading and his was defiant. My breathing was suddenly erratic and my chest ached anew.
I saw that I wasn’t going to get anywhere with him today and it I didn’t want him to see me burst into tears so I tore my gaze away and murmured my goodbye to Ryan, spouting something about being tired and made my way back to the laundry room briskly before collapsing on my pallet once more and pulling the blanket over my head. Wanting to see no one, hear from on one, speak to no one. Trying desperately to forget Merrick’s kiss with Piper and the way he had been so, so angry at me. Pushed me, looked on me with disgust and rage. I’d actually been afraid of him and I never thought that would ever have been possible.
So I cried, big fat hurtful wretched tears in the dark and prayed no one came looking for me. All the while, wondering what the in the world went wrong.
Breakfast?
Chapter 22- Lillian
“Breakfast now?” Cain asked as he rubbed my arm soothingly. “You gotta get up sometime. It’s morning again. You need to eat something.”
“Ok.” I let him pull me up and we went.
He grabbed my hand as we walked, easily and casually, swinging our arms slightly. Strangely it felt more friendly than intimate. Like he was trying to show me I still had a friend and he’d be my friend through all this until I was ready to be more. I wondered about Sherry. If he still felt crazy about her.
/> We entered the kitchen and he sat me down in a chair and got me some coffee, to which I murmured my thanks. It was horrid and lukewarm but I drank it because I needed it.
There were others in the kitchen with us. Piper and Polly, who were eyeing me but I tried to ignore them. Jeff and Marissa were sitting at the table with me. Eating a late breakfast together as well.
Cain set a bowl of oatmeal in front of me and one for him across from me. He sat down and smiled.
“Mmmm. Oatmeal,” he said with fake enthusiasm.
I chuckled under my breath and smiled back. Thankful for him at this moment. Otherwise I would have just sulked in my room, alone.
I felt someone behind me and turned to look. It was Piper.
“Good morning, Lillian.”
“Morning, Piper,” I said and felt odd about her speaking to me, which she never does.
“So, Cain, how have you been?”
“Fine, Piper.”
“Really? Are you sure about that?”
I turned to look at her. What was her problem? Why was she badgering Cain?
“Yes. Fine. Thank you for your concern,” he all but spat out.
“What’s going on? Is this the drama you were referring to?” I ask.
“Oh, he told you then?” Piper chimes almost happily, coming to stand beside the table beside us.
“Told me what?”
“That Merrick and I caught Cain and Sherry in the hall two nights ago.”
My heart stopped a couple beats and then picked back up violently. I heard other gasps to echo mine and looked over to see Marissa and Jeff just as stunned as I am.
“What?” I ask.
“Shut up, Piper. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cain said and shoved his chair back, taking his bowl to the sink.
“Don’t I?”
“What is she talking about, Cain?” I ask softly and hoping he answers me, that nothing happened.
“I’m talking about Cain and Sherry practically- what is it you humans say- ‘getting it on’ in the hall outside your room that night, the night of the ambush. Merrick is so upset. He’s even refused to let Sherry stay in their room with him.”