And? Hannah pressed.
"I don't know." He tore the blade off the ground. "Why did she come if not to–?"
To what? Hannah asked. What did you want her to say?
"I don't know," he mumbled once again.
Yes, you do, Hannah corrected. Don't lie to me!
"I'm not lying!" Her words felt like a slap in the face. "I don't know!"
Okay, let me put it this way, Hannah said. Did you want her to ask you to come home?
Again he shrugged. "I don't know."
Gabriel, Hannah started. 'I don't know' will get you nowhere. Let me tell you what I think. I think that you wanted her to tell you that she missed you, that home is empty without you and ultimately that she wanted you to come home. Am I right?
His fingers found a new blade of grass to twist and turn. "Maybe."
I'll take that as a 'yes'. Then let me ask you something, Hannah continued. Did you tell her?
Gabriel frowned. "Tell her what?"
That you missed her. That you want her to want you to come home. Duh!
"No," he admitted. "But she was gone before I could. She almost ran back to New York, like she couldn't stand to be near me."
Don't be ridiculous! Hannah snapped. That's just it. You don't know why she left the way she did. You once told me that she left Kenton Woods after graduation and never came back.
"So?"
So? Why do you think that is?
"I don't know."
See? Maybe you should ask her, Hannah advised. Clearly, your mom has a problem with this town, but I doubt that you've got anything to do with it.
"What do you mean?"
I mean that our parents had a life before us, Hannah explained. Your mom grew up here. She was a kid and a teenager once. Who knows what happened? Who knows what happened that drove her away from this place?
Feeling the slightly rough texture of the blade running through his fingers, Gabriel remembered overhearing his mom talking to Liam's dad at Thanksgiving dinner. Her eyes had held something sad, painful even. Something had happened. Something that had put that sadness in her eyes. Something he knew nothing about. "You're right," he said, rising to his feet. "You're right. I don't know, but I'll find out."
What are you going to do?
Straightening his shoulders, Gabriel drew the icy night air into his lunges once again, feeling rejuvenated. "I'm going home. I'm going to ask her."
Home?
"Home," Gabriel repeated. "To New York."
Chapter 16 – Love
After leaving a note for his grandparents, explaining his decision to return home and talk to his mother, Gabriel got on the bus that would take him to the train station in Raleigh. Once he had decided on a course of action, energy rushed through his body, chasing away doubt and confusion. Taking action, that's what mattered! Waiting would just make him feel worse. He needed answers, and he was going to get them. With a smile on his face, Gabriel watched the city limit sign of Kenton Woods fly by his window.
Without a second to spare, he strode through the station, bought his ticket and climbed onto the train. Luckily, he found a relatively empty compartment and settled down in a window seat. As the train pulled out of the station, Gabriel tried to picture his mother's face when she found him at home. Would she be mad? Would she send him back without hearing him out?
"I'll just have to make her listen," he said out loud. "I can't back down."
Taking a notepad and pen out of his backpack, Gabriel wrote one of Mr. Eves' assignments on the top of the page, What dreams do you have? Why?
Right now, I don't have very specific dreams. I know I want to be happy. But how am I happy? What do I need to be happy? I need my friends, my family; my grandparents and my parents. I have been waiting for my parents to come around, to figure out their problems and be happy again. How can I be happy when my parents are not? Is that even possible? Now, I won't wait anymore. Dreams will always remain dreams, unless you do something to make them come true.
***
Walking down the sidewalk leading up to his house, Gabriel hesitated. Suddenly everything felt so real. If he failed, what would he do? The gap that had opened between him and his parents grew with every day that passed. Eventually, no bridge would be able to connect the two sides. Eventually, they'd just drift apart, never to find each other again. Gabriel didn't want that. He wanted his parents back. He wanted to be happy again; and whatever his mother would say, one thing he knew for sure. She wasn't happy.
As he rode up the elevator, Gabriel ran his trembling hands through his hair and down his clothes, trying to make himself presentable. Why, he didn't know. Would it matter what he looked like?
The elevator doors parted, and Gabriel took a deep breath before taking one step after another. Keeping his head up, he tried to walk with determination down the hall towards the door that would lead him back to his old life.
Before he lost his nerve, Gabriel lifted his hand and knocked on the door, feeling his heart hammering in his chest.
At first, he didn't hear anything, fearing that his mother might not be home, but then her chatty voice echoed through the door. Slowly, it grew louder as footsteps approached from the other side.
"No, don't start without me," Gabriel heard her say as the door slowly slit open, "I'll be there in–"
Fighting down his fear, he put a smile on his face. "Hi Mom."
"Gabriel," his mother whispered, phone still clutched between head and shoulder. She blinked, and the sketches dropped from her hands and hit the floor.
"We need to talk," he said, crossing the threshold and closing the door. "And this time you can't run away."
Shaking her head as though trying to rid herself of an illusion that had taken over her eyes, his mother stared at him. "What are you doing here?" she asked, as the phone slid from her shoulder and into her hand. Glancing down at it, she hesitated for a second then put it back to her ear. "Tony listen, I might be a little late. Okay? Let me know if there is a problem." Switching off the phone, she turned to him. "Do your grandparents know you're here?"
Gabriel nodded. "I left a note." Putting down his backpack, he took off his jacket and walked into the living room. Although this was his home, he couldn't help but feel like a guest. Maybe he shouldn't have come.
"What?" his mother asked, hurrying after him. "You just left? What were you thinking?"
"That we need to talk," Gabriel simply stated. "And I'm tired to wait for you to come to me."
Frown lines appeared on her forehead. "What are you talking about? I came to Kenton Woods to see you. I don't know what you want from me." Her eyes refused to meet his. She glanced at her watch. "I really need to go." She turned to the door. "C'mon, I'll drop you off at the station."
Gabriel shook his head. "I'm not leaving. You're not getting rid of me this easily."
"I'm not trying to get rid of you!"
"Yes, you are! You're still running away. At first I didn't understand what you were doing, but now I do. Something is not right, and I need to know what it is."
"I can't do this right now," his mother said, her voice as unsteady as Gabriel felt. "I've got work to do and you've got school."
"I'm staying," Gabriel interrupted. "I'm not leaving until you talk to me."
Hands rubbing her temples, his mother suddenly looked tired. "Fine," she whispered, sitting down across from him. "What is it that you want to know? I told you, Dad and I are fine. If you want, you can come home, but not like this."
"Why did you leave Kenton Woods after graduation?" Gabriel asked without preamble, and his mother's jaw dropped open. "And why have you never gone back? What happened?"
For a small eternity, she just stared at him, too stunt to respond. Then her eyes cleared, but quickly clouded again. "Why are you asking me this?"
"Because I think whatever happened back then, it's what's driving us apart. And I can't come back until you fix whatever it is that is haunting you." Gabriel felt tears at the corners of hi
s eyes. "You do want me to come back, don't you?"
His mother blinked, and a single tear ran down her cheek. "Of course I do. Do you doubt that?"
Gabriel nodded. "Sometimes I don't feel like you want me around. You don't care where I am, as long as I'm not in the way." Not looking at his mother, he ran his sleeve across his eyes, holding at bay the tears that threatened to spill down his face.
Before he could look up again, he felt his mother sink into the cushion next to him. Her hand covered his, moving it away, so he would look at her. "I love you, Gabriel. You must know that. You're my son." Still holding his hand in hers, she brushed the other down his arm. "You mean everything to me."
Through a veil of tears, Gabriel smiled. "Then tell me."
"It won't change anything."
"I think it will." Gabriel settled back, turning to face her. "Does it have something to do with Liam's dad?"
At that his mother's head snapped up. "What did he tell you?"
"Nothing. But at Thanksgiving I overheard you two talking. The way you looked at each other seemed odd. Did you know each other well? Grandma said you grew up together."
His mother took a deep breath, slowly nodding her head. "Fine. I'll tell you what you want to know." Settling into the other end of the couch, her eyes took on a distant look as she gathered her thoughts. Then she turned to look at him. "Yes, Roger and I grew up together. We were best friends. We did everything together. Without him, I always felt alone, like something was missing. It's like we were two halves of a whole. So, wherever he was, I was right there with him."
"What happened then?" A part of Gabriel had trouble imagining his mother as a young girl, going to school, swimming at the Dive.
A shy smile played on the corners of her mouth. "We fell in love. Is that weird for you?"
Gabriel grinned. "Maybe a little. After all, he's Liam's dad."
His mother nodded. "Well, he wasn't back then. Back then, he was my boyfriend, and we were happy for a long time. All throughout senior year we made plans for our future. We were going to leave Kenton Woods together, go to New York, and, while I was going to paint, he was going to go to medical school. We were going to have a wonderful life." Again her head bobbed up and down as though to remind herself that all that hadn't been only a dream. "And then everything fell apart."
Now it was Gabriel who placed his hand on his mother's. "What happened?" he asked.
"To tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure. I guess, he just didn't love me anymore." With her other hand, she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "One day, just before graduation, he told me he wouldn't come with me to New York, that things had changed, that he would stay in Kenton Woods. I was completely taken aback. Not in a million years would I have seen that coming. Of course, I asked him what had happened, but he wouldn't say. All he said was that I had to live my dreams while he would live his."
"So you left," Gabriel said, trying to keep her talking. "All by yourself."
His mother nodded. "I couldn't stay. Suddenly that small town was much too small for the two of us. Even if I hadn't planned on leaving any way, I wouldn't have been able to stay. So I packed my bags and I left." Pulling up her knees, she wrapped her arms around them. "When I got here, I just...I felt so lost. Suddenly all my plans were meaningless, and yet a part of me waited for him to come after me, to tell me that he'd made a mistake." A sigh escaped her lips. "Sometimes I think that part of me is still waiting." She closed her eyes and then turned to look at him. "But he never did. He'd made a life of his own. One that didn't include me."
Seeing the misery in his mother's eyes, Gabriel suddenly remembered a conversation with Liam; of how his father had advised him not to pretend to care for something when in truth he didn't. It had been right after Liam had offered his help to Jordan with her clean-up duties at school. The right thing was to be honest, even if it meant to hurt someone you cared about. A lie would just make things worse, eventually. Maybe Liam's dad hadn't stopped loving her, not then at least. Maybe he had just realized that his dreams had been elsewhere. That going to the city wouldn't have made him happy. That their dreams would ultimately pull them apart. "I think you should talk to him," he whispered.
"What?"
"You should talk to him," he repeated. "You need to know. If you don't, you'll always wonder. You'll never be able to let go."
A smile lit up his mother's face then, and she looked at him with amazement shining in her eyes. "How did you become so wise?" She shook her head. "That summer really has changed you. You've grown up. I can't believe I missed that." Her eyes narrowed as she searched his face. "What happened? Grandma mentioned something, but she said it would be up to you to tell me."
Shifting in his seat uncomfortably, Gabriel looked down at his hands. "I guess it's my turn."
His mother leaned forward, taking his hand. "Tell me."
Knowing that his voice would be shaking, Gabriel opened his mouth to speak. "I had a friend. A really good friend. I only knew her for a few weeks, but...she knew me. She knew me so well. Like no one ever has." Tears spilled down his face.
Squeezing his hand, his mother asked, "What happened to her?"
A sob escaped his throat. "She died."
For a second his mother stared at him, then she leaned over, pulling him into her arms. "Oh Gabriel, I'm so sorry." While she rubbed his back and smoothed back his hair, Gabriel cried.
The sun had long since set, when his mother dried the tears off his face. Sitting on the couch, arms around one another, Gabriel rested his head on her shoulder.
"I'm so glad you came," his mother whispered. "I'm sorry, I couldn't be the one to take the first step. It should have been me." Again she brushed her hand through his hair. "Thank you for being so brave."
***
"Are you still in love with him?" Gabriel asked, thinking of his father and what his mother's answer meant for the future of his family.
At his words, he felt his mother flinch slightly. Her eyes gazed out the window, and, for a second closed, he felt sure she would say yes. As she turned back to look at him, a smile lit up her face. "No," she breathed. "I'm not."
Feeling himself smile back at her, Gabriel couldn't help but ask, "Are you sure? I mean, if you're not, why...?" He trailed off, unsure how to put into words that his gut told him some things were still unresolved. Ever since that night he had overheard his mother and Liam's father talk, he'd known that there was still something hanging in the air between them.
"Yes, Gabriel, I am sure," his mother said, running a hand down his arm and squeezing his hand for reassurance. "Now more than ever." She swallowed, her eyes flitting back and forth as though a thousand thoughts were running through her head. "Listen, I'm not sure how to say this so that you'll understand, but when things changed between Roger and me, I was...more than just shocked. I...suddenly I felt like I wasn't good enough for him, not worthy of his love. And I guess that kind of stayed with me. Deep down, I could never let that go."
"What about dad?"
Glancing at her wedding photo on the mantle, his mother turned to him with a smile. "When we met, I...let's just say, it wasn't easy for him to win me over. I couldn't believe him, when he said he loved me. I guess, I was always waiting for that day when he would suddenly change his mind." She ran her hand through his hair. "But he didn't."
"But are you still afraid?" Gabriel asked. "That he'll take it back one day."
His mother took a deep breath. "I guess I am. I wasn't even aware of that. So much time has passed, and I guess I just kind of put it out of my mind." She nodded, her eyes shifting to her wedding picture one more time. "But I guess he noticed." Again she turned to look at Gabriel. "You were right. We've been drifting apart for years...because I couldn't believe that what we have is for real." His mother breathed in slowly, and a smile lit up her face that Gabriel hadn't seen in years. "I will talk to him. We will work it out. And this time I mean it. I promise."
"Thanks," was all Gabriel could sa
y, before he all but threw himself into her arms.
Hers closed over him just as tightly. "You have no idea how proud I am of you." She pushed him back a little to look into his face. "How did you become so well-versed in matters of love?" A teasing grin played on her lips.
Gabriel shrugged. "I'm not sure. Maybe it's that my friends are having problems with it too."
"Really?" his mother asked, looking surprised. "Care to tell me a bit more?"
"I'm not sure. I kind of promised not to say anything."
"A secret love?" A slight frown flew across her face. "When you say friends, you're not talking about yourself, are you?"
"What?" Gabriel shook his head. "No, not me. Liam and Jordan are kind of...I'm not sure what to call it. But they like each other...a lot. It's real difficult for Jack." Shocked, Gabriel clapped a hand over his mouth once again. Why did he keep spilling the beans? "I wasn't supposed to say anything."
His mother smiled at him. "Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. So, Liam and Jordan fell for each other. Mmh, who would have thought? From what Grandma tells me they are quite different. But why is it tough for Jack? I thought Liam was his best friend. Is he afraid his best friend might be sharing his secrets with his sister?"
"Not exactly," Gabriel said, not sure if he should tell his mother. "It's complicated. He doesn't really talk about it."
"But he told you?" Gabriel nodded. "You must be good friends if he confided in you."
"Well, I kind of figured it out myself, and then I asked him," Gabriel admitted, not mentioning Hannah's part in the process. "He tried to deny it at first, but then he told me. I guess it's very difficult for him not having anyone to talk to about it."
Again his mother's face held a slight frown as she looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Does he like Liam as well?"
Gabriel flinched. "How did you know?"
"Don't worry," his mother said, ruffling his hair. "I won't say anything, but from what you said, it is rather obvious. Especially with what we've been talking about." Her eyes lost all humor then. "Love is tough enough as it is without further complications. Jack won't have it easy. People are not always as accepting of others as they demand others to be of them. Do you remember Tony? He did the interior design for the gallery."