It was what Dendri wanted to hear. So why did he not feel relieved? He instead felt a tearing sensation within his chest.
This is wrong. This is so wrong!
Yet he said nothing to the contrary. He tamped down the rebellious feelings, forcing them under his control.
“Good,” he said. “So long as you do not come to me out of some sense of obligation and as long as we are both aware that this is to be the sort of relationship where one or the other of us can leave at any time without causing undue hurt to the other, then we can continue on as we have been.”
Every word was like a nail in her heart, but she bore the brunt of them far better than she would have thought herself capable of. She managed to keep her feet despite the weakness of her knees. She managed not to shove him away from herself in anger and pain.
“Now get back into bed,” she said softly. She was impressed by the evenness of her tone. “Please.”
He gave her a queer little smile, but then did as she asked. He held her hand and tried to pull her back down to his side, but she resisted.
“I have forgotten I needed to see Bess about something. I must go to her.”
“Right this minute?” he asked.
“I’ll be right back,” she promised him, although she didn’t know how she would ever be able to be in the same room with him again.
She withdrew her hand and left the room. She began to run the moment she was out of his sight. She began to search for Bess frantically, her eyes and nose burning with unshed tears. She searched their room. The morning room. All of the parlors. She finally found Bess in the library, sitting reading a book with Bicky in her lap. Yasra fell to her knees before her and reached across her lap to draw her into a desperate hug. Then she burst into heart-wrenching sobs.
Squashed between their bodies, Bicky jumped down with a meow of complaint at having his nap disturbed. Neither woman noticed.
“There there,” Bess soothed her for several minutes. “What is it?”
Bess suspected she already knew what the trouble was. She had been anticipating this. She knew her friend far too well.
“I love him,” Yasra sobbed. “I’m such a fool but I love him!”
“It’s all right,” Bess said softly, her hand rubbing Yasra’s back gently. She let her have her cry out.
It was quite some time before she quieted, eventually sitting low enough for her head to rest in Bess’s lap while her friend stroked her hair. “Now we must consider what you will do next.”
“What can I do? There’s nothing to be done.”
“There is. You can either continue the relationship, loving him in vain and hoping one day he might return your feelings, or you can do so living perpetually with the knowledge that you love a man who is incapable of loving you back. Or…or you can end the relationship right now, allow yourself to mourn, and then move on with your life.”
None of those options sounded good to Yasra. The only one with the slightest bit of hope to it was the first in her opinion. Perhaps he would come to care for her one day. If there was the slightest bit of hope, shouldn’t she chase it down? If she truly loved him, shouldn’t she take the risk?
Or should she just resign herself to the knowledge that he was unable to love another? Oh, he would care for her. She could see that. He cared for a lot of people. Wil…his servants…his country. But she wanted more than that.
But was it better to have some of him then none at all? What would she do without his vital body next to hers?
Oh, how had this happened? How, in just a few days, had she come to feel so strongly? Perhaps she was wrong. Perhaps it was merely fascination. Infatuation. Yes. That was it. Infatuation faded with time. It felt less keen. Especially as the faults of the object of that infatuation were revealed.
“I do not love him,” she said woodenly. “I am merely obsessed with him because he has filled my every waking moment these past days. Because he is such an incredible lover and makes me feel…oh Bess. He makes me feel so stunningly good. No. Good is too tame a word for it. Rapturous. Yes. Rapture is what I feel at his hands. I am mistaking that for love.”
“That is very possible,” Bess agreed, her hand stilling in her hair. “But it is also possible that those feelings will easily be converted into actual love. If they have not already done so.”
“Oh Bess. How can I help but love him? He is perfect. He is powerful and strong, in both body and spirit. He gives respect where it is due and demands he is respected in return. He is a master of all he surveys here on this estate, and cares deeply for the well being of all those who are under his protection. He gives selflessly. Acts stubbornly. Even his stubbornness is worth loving because he is usually acting stubbornly on the behalf of others. I see his goodness reflected in his friends. Bess, his kindness and acceptance toward you have been exemplary and thoughtful. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”
“Indeed, he is a paragon,” Bess said with a wry smile as her friend’s emotions and reason vacillated almost illogically. One moment she was convincing herself she did not love him, the next she was defending all the reasons why she should. Bess’s heart ached for her friend. She was in love with the man. Bess had seen it coming. She had known how open and large Yasra’s heart was. How dehydrated of love it was. Like a sponge it had been begging for the waters of love so that it could rapidly soak them up. All it had taken was kindness and passion from a single dynamic force. She had been ripe and Dendri had plucked her.
Damn the man.
Bess held no illusions however. As loveable as she found Yasra to be, it was rare for others to see what a treasure she was. For a man like Dendri who had no interest in even considering the emotion, well…it had been a disaster in the making.
“You do not need to decide your actions right away,” Bess said. “Take some time to think on the matter.”
“But…how can I return to him and keep myself from confessing all?”
That was a good question. One Bess did not have a ready answer to.
“You must not confess anything to him unless he comes to you first. I would not have you embarrass yourself or devastate yourself in the face of his refusal to accept your feelings. Also, if you confess your feelings it is possible he will put you out of his life altogether immediately.”
“B-but the Gestalt…”
“For a man afraid of commitment…the Gestalt will come second to protecting his hard heart. Believe me when I tell you this.”
Yasra did believe her. She knew it was true. She knew without a doubt.
She was not ready to be on her own. She could not go out into the world undefended. These past days had proved that. Would he really send her out into the world unprotected just to guard his own well-being?
She could not believe that of him. He would find a way to keep her under his protection and away from his heart. How he would do that she did not know. All she knew was…she couldn’t be without him. She had only just found him. A few days were not enough time. She needed more of him. She needed to drink her fill of him before he shut her out completely.
So she would keep her feelings to herself. She would pray he never entered her mind and thoughts again. The moment he did he would know her secret and that would mean the end of it. Until then…she would love him and need him and devour every moment with him she could.
Wiping away her tears she lifted her head from Bess’s lap. “How do I look?” she asked, her tone defeated.
“Like you’ve been crying. You cannot go to him like this. Go for a walk. Soothe your soul. Come to him after your have had time to draw walls around you to protect your heart.”
“But he is expecting me.”
“I will go to him. I will tell him…something. Don’t worry.”
Yasra nodded to her friend and got to her feet as Bess did. She gave her friend one last hug then walked out of the room. She went out of the doors and into the drizzle of the mid-morning. She would get wet, but she did not care. She didn’t even sto
p to put slippers on her feet. She just walked out onto the cold wet ground and allowed the coldness of the day to seep into her.
Yasra was soaked through and freezing cold by the time she returned. Teeth chattering, she changed her dress for another and used a towel to dry her hair. She braided it so the wetness of it wasn’t immediately apparent, then she pulled on a pair of knit stockings and tucked her feet into a pair of slippers.
She went into Dendri’s room with a smile pasted on her face. She found him in bed with Bess reading to him from her book. He sat up straighter in the bed when he saw her.
“You’ve changed your dress,”
Her smile faltered. “Yes. I…I got something on the other one,” she said. It was the truth. She had gotten water on the other one. Dendri was able to detect lies, so she had to be as truthful as possible.
“Bess said you had to do something. What kept you all of this time?”
“Oh, this and that,” she said dismissively. “What are you reading?”
Dendri’s eyes narrowed on her. But Bess cheerfully answered. “Horgon’s Sonnets. They are very romantic.”
“They are sentimental drivel,” Dendri said dryly.
“I love sonnets,” Yasra said. “Read another.”
“Not until you come sit by me,” he said, moving over in bed again.
Yasra took a cleansing breath in through her nose and let it out slowly through her lips. She went over to the bed and sat down on it.
“Come on, all the way in,” he coaxed her. “I won’t bite.”
She kicked off her slippers and climbed under the blankets with him.
“Good God your feet are like ice!” he cried. Then he reached to feel her hands. “You’re cold all over. That shawl is not keeping you warm enough.” He pulled the heavy covers up to her shoulders and she immediately felt the delicious warmth of his body all along her side. She shivered and couldn’t keep herself from snuggling into it.
Bess began to read to them as she slowly warmed up, his touch drifting back and forth over her shoulder. He pressed kisses to her head, to her forehead and even dropped some on her cheeks. But for the most part she kept her face turned away from him, always afraid he would be able to see her emotion written all across her features. Eventually her eyes closed and she fell into a light, troubled sleep.
When Bess next looked up, her audience had fallen asleep, both of them exhausted for their own reasons. She closed her book, stood up and reached a loving hand out to brush Yasra’s arm. Her friend did not stir and Bess did not want her to. She was glad Yasra could sleep. She would need her strength in the weeks to come.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Raja Sin wanted to be done with these interminable talks. He had fought with the Sarens, quibbling over every inch of land, every precious metal, every small detail to the point where he wanted to throw up his hands and simply go back to taking his land the way he had been. At the point of a sword.
But his motives had since expanded since these talks had begun a week earlier. Before he had been interested only in land and the way his people would benefit by it. Now he wanted to also add peace to the equation. Oh, he was not so naïve as to think the Sarens would ever actually like the Kiltians, but he would like to engender a small amount of trust. Enough so that one day Kiltians could walk about Saren cities unmolested and without a second thought. Only in that way could he get the other thing he wanted.
He regarded Triumvir Colla with a steady gaze. She colored lightly, as she often did when he stared at her this way. He had to guard his thoughts from the Aspano majji who sat watching him with a shrewd eye. Still, her reactions pleased him. Good. She was aware of him. He liked that.
He discarded the thought the moment he felt it. He wasn't sure how well the Jadoc behind him was protecting his thoughts. Even the Jadoc could not tell how successful he was. The Aspano was powerful, he had told him. Perhaps more powerful than any Jadoc. Sin found that hard to believe. He knew many such powerful Jadoc.
He turned his attention of the Aspano male and the pretty little female—he knew not what house she was from—he held hands with. They always held hands he had noticed. He had noticed it to a point of curiosity. They never once let go. Why was that? His Jadoc could not tell him. He could not read the girl. Useless man. Did that mean she too was Aspano? His Jadoc said he didn’t think so, only that she had power great enough to keep him out. That usually meant she was Aspano. So he drew that conclusion and let it rest.
Why they never loosed hands fascinated him. It was possible they were in jova. In love. But they did not trade looks of love. Among his people, jova was something that was shown with full force, in every look, in every touch. Still, these reserved Sarens with their reserved ways and their smothering clothes, this could be their idea of showing love.
He would never understand them.
But neither would they ever understand the Kiltians, he was sure. Ariana—for that was how he thought of her—seemed to be able to understand to a degree. Or she was coming to. He could tell because since their talk that day in the city she had been more willing to listen to the Kiltian needs. More willing to find a solution that would benefit them both.
Now they were almost done. They would not be getting the Triagle Territory in total, but they would be given half of it. That would increase the borders of Kilt by half. It was more than he would have expected. It was enough. The Sarens would sell them the land at an exorbitant price, and the Kiltians would pay a yearly tithe. The tithe would make up for what the Sarens would lose in crops every year. It was a sound agreement. The land would be theirs and he was glad. Finally, his people would have room to live. There were already towns in the territory, and he had agreed that any Sarens who wished to remain as business proprietors in those towns may do so, but the land was theirs. They would pay tax to the Kiltians. They would sell their goods and services to the Kiltians.
He knew there would be few Sarens who would wish to keep their businesses. So deep was the prejudice against them after three years of all out war and a half decade of border skirmishes. But that would be up to each individual. He would see to it his people respected those who remained behind Kiltian borders.
“Very well, we have our agreement,” he said, getting to his feet, compelling everyone else to do so. He came around the table, ignored the other Triumvirs and went to pick up Ariana’s hand. He brought it to his lips in the way of the Kiltians and kissed the inside of her wrist. He felt a tremble go up her arm and he knew it was all she could do to keep from yanking her hand away. She could not afford to insult him by doing so…and she could not help what he made her feel.
Yes. This would be very interesting. Perhaps not now. Perhaps not tomorrow. But soon. One day soon.
He turned and left with his entourage.
Dendri waited until he was certain the Kiltians were out of earshot before he looked at Ariana.
“He is attracted to you,” he said.
“He is a barbarian,” she said with a shudder.
“He is a shrewd man and a thoughtful leader, not unlike yourself. He is also used to getting his way. I fear that if you are an object of desire he will do his level best to acquire you.”
“I would sooner sleep with a gorgon lion,” she spat.
Dendri chuckled. “I have no doubt. I just thought I should tell you. Well,” he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose, “the war is over. Now the hard part begins. Now you must oust hundreds of farmers and their families from their lands and find them new homes…or compensate them in some way. The outcry will be enormous.”
“No doubt,” Mason said, “but it is better than continuing a war we cannot afford and losing countless more lives.”
“So it is done,” Ariana said. “For better or for worse. Now all that is left is the exchange of monies and deeds. We will hold a meeting with the papers and announce the details of our treaty. But first…Mason, Jutsin, we must recall enough of our three armies to keep peace in the city and to protect the
triumvirate. There may be rioting. Certainly discontent. Not among the higher classes of course, but the non farmers and the like who have homes in the annexed lands.”
“A good idea. It should be enough to pull two thousand men each from the borders. That will flood the city with peacekeepers.”
“We will send messengers right away,” Jutsin said.
“Dendri,” Arians said, “Thank you for your service. You will be well compensated for your time.”
“You know I will do anything to serve the triumvirate.”
“You have proven that in both your recent actions with Delongo and in your past occupation,” Ariana said. “I am only glad we do not have to ask you to do anything you find distasteful again.”
Dendri quickly steered her away from that. “Anything I do I do willingly, no matter the taste. If you no longer need us, we will take our leave of you.”
“You are gladly dismissed,” Mason said.
Dendri laced his fingers with Yasra’s and they headed out of the capitol building. They had just climbed into the barouche when Yasra asked, “What did she mean by ‘past occupation’?”
Dendri sighed. He had hoped he would not have had to discuss this with her. It made no difference after all. What was done was done and he would not be doing it again. But he knew Yasra. She would be anxious for him on his behalf…whether the danger was long over or not.
“I used to work covertly past Kiltian lines.”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“I would disguise myself as a Kiltian, live in their houses, live amongst them…blend into their government. I never got close enough that Raja Sin might recognize me, but I was close enough to learn details of when they might attack the Sarens and where and how.”
“You…you were a spy?”
He sighed at her wide eyes and aghast expression. “It is something only the highest level Aspanos can manage. We are the only ones who can truly keep from having our minds read and our deception discovered. I pretended to be Jadoc. It wasn’t that difficult for me. There is nothing for you to be upset over. What’s done is done.”