It was 5:15 in the morning my alarm clock sounded for me to wake up and paint a fake smile on my face once again and act like nothing was wrong. I stare down at the rusted blood stained razor laying in the floor from where I made new markings in my body last night while i cried myself to sleep. It seems like that is the only way i can sleep now.
I force myself to get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I turn the hot water on all the way and stare at the imperfect reflection in the mirror and watch as it stares back at me.
I use to be pretty they tell me, before i started self destroying my body piece by piece. I use to have long blonde hair with bright blue eyes and tan skin. But now my hair is shades of black and blue, like ugly bruises on your skin. And my eyes are so dark that they almost look black. My skin is almost as white as paper from staying inside all the time and avoiding the sunlight, some of the people that don't know me believe that i'm some kind of vampire. My body is covered with scars from all the times i've cut myself. People ask me all the time why I do the things I do and the only answer i can give them is that it hurts less when I see the blood and damage of it instead of just feeling it.
I turn to step in the shower but first i get this un easy feeling in my stomach and I have to stop and vomit in the toilet before i can even get in the shower. I have an eating disorder, I'm sixteen years old but i only weigh fourty-three pounds. I didn't like the size I was so I just stopped eating all together, so now every time I smell or think about food I vomit.
In the shower is one of my favorite places because you can control what temperature you want it to be and the hot water is funneling all around you holding you. You can also cry as much as you want to in the shower and no one even knows other than you and the walls around you.
I step out of the shower and it is 6:32, I dry my wet hair with a towel, put on my black skinny jeans and one of my band t-shirts, I wear about ten braclets on each arm to help hide some of the scars but they don't help. I cover my eyes with thick black eyeliner and head out the door to wait on the bus to take me to my hell for the next eight hours.
On the bus I usually put on my head phones and try to drownd out the voices of the world, but today I couldn't. Next to me was sitting Chloe Chester one of the most popular girls at my school, although to me the only thing she was known for is being the biggest slut on campus. I overheard her conversation of her telling her friends that she was pregnant, that didn't suprise me. And in that exact moment I vowed to never be like her or any of the other teenage girls who let their lives be ruined with boys and babies.
I stand up to walk off of the bus as it pulls in front of Lincoln High School, I hated this place, I use to like school but now everything has changed. Before I was an 'A' honor roll student but that was before my world crashed. Three years ago my parents had gotten a divorce and I now lived with my mom in Maine while my father took my little brother to live with him in Florida. That was what had really started my depression and cutting. My eighth grade year I was on t he volleyball team and coach thought I was one of his best players, I was suppose to make varsity my freshman year but I never did. My mom had stopped caring and coming to my games because she was always busy with her new boyfriend or her work as a lawyer, and so soon I stopped caring also, Even if I wanted to be on the volleyball team I couldn't because now my wrists were too weak to hit the ball.
I walked into my first period class which was Ms.Farrers zoology class, and learned that it was project week which meant we would be put into partners to do some group work and then would have to present it next week. As I walked in the classroom she announced my partner was already ready. "Kaelynn you will be partnered with Brandon Williams for this project" she announced. Brandon was the quarterback of the football team but he did seem kinda nice, I actually even had a crush on him back in grade school.
I walked across the room and sat in the desk in front of Brandon, his eyes followed me. Ms. Farrers handed out our information packet with our assingment on it and me and Brandon grabbed for it at the same time, put then he immediately pulled afor itway. I began reading over the material, we were to write an essay and create a slide show on which insects reached a dead animal first. Brandon leaned over and read the packet he sighed and then said, "I really don't feel like starting on thid right now so why dont I come over to your place this evening and we can start looking up information for it?" I just nodded my head in agreement and at that he got up to leave and replied " Cool, I'll see you around 4pm" then he turned and left the room.
Throughout the day I couldn't even focus on schooI couldn't believe that Brandon Williams was actually going to be at my house after school. My mom would be so proud of me thinking I was becoming more social but tonight for once I was glad she was going to be working late on a case for work.
By the time final bell rang I was already running to the bus in a hurry to get home. I couldn't even manage to sit still in my seat from shaking nervously and when the bus finally stopped I ran all the way to my front door practically tripping over my own feet. I through open the front door and dropped my backpack on the couch and ran upstairs to the bathroom. I quickly pulled my hair back in a bun and washed my make up off, I wanted to look my absolute worse for Brandon so he would know I wasn't into him. As I was putting on some jogging pants and a baggy shirt I heard a soft knock at the door, I thought to myself "That must be him" and headed downstairs to let him in.
I opened the door and greated him inside, I could smell his cologne as he walked past me. He dropped his bag by the table and had a seat on the couch, I sat on the opposite side. "So you ready to learn about bugs?" I asked "Not really" he replied and there was an awkward silence that seemed to last a life time. "Is your mom home" he asked casually. "No she is working late at the office" "Ooh" he responded. He scooted to the seat next to me, he was sitting so close his thigh was actually on top of me. He rested his arm on the back of the couch behind my head. I felt really awkward in nervous, I started to get up but his other arm extended out and pulled me back down "Your not going anywhere" he said "we have some studying to do" with a evil grin on his face. I tried to fight him and pull away but there was no use he was stronger than me, and before I knew he was on top of me with both of our pants laying on the floor as he pushed in and out of me fiercly. I screamed but it did no good because there was no one around to hear me so I just waited for it to be over thinking it was all just a dream.
When he was finally done he pulled back from me and told me if I ever spoke a word of this to anyone he would kill me, and I actually believed him. He grabbed his bag and walked out the door, I was glad he was gone.
I couldn't do anything but just sit there and cry and feel sorry for myslef, butI knew I had to get myself together because mom would be home shortly and I didn't need to be hit with a hundred questions. I grabbed my pants and walked to the bathroom, every step I took hurt. While I was in the bathroom I realized that Brandon had left bruises on the inside of my thigh and my panties were full of blood. I placed the soiled panites in the laundry assuming I could use my period as an excuse. I climed into the shower and let the hot water hide my tears as I felt the only releave I could ever find, my razor.
When I finally stepped out of the shower I made my way to my moms closet and got her pills and alcohol out. I didn't know how much it would take but I just wanted to forget, so I drank the entire bottle of vodka and swallowed nearly thirty pills.
As I climbed into my bed my thoughts just kept getting fuzzier, I couldn't think but wonder what was going to happen next and what Brandon would tell everyone, that I was easy, that I was a slut just like Chloe Chester? The thought mortified me and I finally escaped into the beauty of s
leep.
I awoke the next morning and realized that mom was still not home from work. She probably slept in her office last night or in some guys motel room. I wish she would have been here I nneded her now more than I ever did before in my life. I didn't feel like going to school today, mostly because I didnt want to face Brandon so instead I just setteled on the couch and let my thoughts get the best of me and haunt me like demons.
I remembered how good the pills made me feel last night so I went back to my moms closet and got some more, but this time I overdone it all I remember was waking up in a hospital room.I
Apparently my body was lying on the ground for an entire day before my mom came home and fount me. It didn't take her long to put the picture together. She saw me lying on the floor with her empty alcohol and pill bottles around me with blood running down my arms. She immediatly freaked and called the ambulance and they transfered me to the hospital.
Now I was here lying in a hospital bed and noone still knew my secret. The doctors said I was fine but I needed to stay in the hospital for about a week to get my strength and hydration back and once I was released