I felt hollow inside. Empty. Yet as if a great weight had been lifted from me. For the first time I glimpsed a future without Flynn which made me feel good.
He thought he was so grown-up, leaving college and getting whatever job it was he was doing. He thought he was big and important. But really he was small and selfish.
For the first time I felt the truth of what everyone else had been telling me for months:
I was better off without him.
A bus came within a few minutes. A quarter of an hour later I was back at home in the commune kitchen. Gemma was sitting at the table, sipping at a peppermint tea. She looked tired. She said she’d been having false contractions, signs that the baby would be coming soon. I made tea for myself, feeling properly happy for once. Dad and Gemma’s baby meant a new life in the house, and a new life – in every sense – was exactly what I needed right now.
Another two weeks passed, Flynn didn’t contact me again. Gemma’s due date, when the baby was supposed to arrive, came and went. Dad was anxious, though he kept pretending he wasn’t. Gemma was big and heavy and, though she never complained, I knew she was fed up with being pregnant.
Half-term was over and Leo and I were back at college for the last few weeks of the summer term, preparing for our final year at school. I went to see Mum for the weekend. We got on better now that I wasn’t living with her any more. I’d moved out nearly a year before to live with Dad – and Flynn – on the commune. I was bracing myself for a lecture about Flynn. I knew Dad would have told her about me seeing him at Siobhan’s wedding.
Mum was actually quite restrained, for her. She’d never liked Flynn but kept her remarks to an approving, ‘I suppose it’s good you’ve seen him just the once. Hopefully that’s an end to it.’
I said nothing. I certainly didn’t tell her how Flynn had pursued me to the Rainbow Café and declared he was still in love with me. I didn’t tell anyone about that.
I went out on the Saturday night. Grace invited me to a party in central London with her and James. She warned me, an anxious frown on her face, that Emmi would be there. I knew she was worried that after so recently being reminded of my relationship with Flynn it would upset me to see my old friend and be reminded of her role in our break-up. But that two-second kiss with James – and Flynn’s ridiculous, over-the-top reaction to it – felt like it belonged to another life now. In the past few days I’d really accepted that Flynn had been looking for a way to leave the commune anyway. Emmi was just the catalyst.
So, much to Grace’s surprise I simply shrugged.
‘Whatever,’ I said. ‘I guess I’ll have to speak to her sometime.’
The party was great. James came from a rich family and had lots of well-off friends. This particular guy lived in a massive house in Camden Town and the whole place oozed money, with plenty of alcohol set on tables in every corner of a huge living room that had been stripped of furniture, like a ballroom. The walls glittered with lights and the air pulsed with music. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it – and by all the attention I got in my dark red dress. Most of the other girls were equally dressed up and all the boys were in suits, like a prom. I saw Emmi, glamorous in a leather miniskirt and expensive-looking boots, and went straight over.
‘Hey, Em,’ I said.
She turned around, her eyes widening as she saw it was me.
‘River.’ I could see her bracing herself, ready, presumably, for me to shout at her. She knew how angry I’d been.
‘It’s good to see you,’ I said with a big smile. ‘How’ve you been, Em?’
Emmi’s expressive face registered shock, then relief.
Then delight.
‘Oh, River.’ She flung her arms around me. I hugged her back. And we spent the next hour huddled in a corner, catching up.
I didn’t tell her about seeing Flynn but I did fill her in on life at the commune and at sixth form college. Emmi told me about her new boyfriend – gorgeous, apparently, but currently away at uni – and about the past few months at school.
‘You were right to go to a different place for sixth form,’ Emmi groaned. ‘I’m sooo fed up. The teachers still treat us like we were in year seven. Well, not exactly, but I thought there’d be a lot more freedom than there is.’
After a while we started dancing. The whole room was moving, the entire party magical. I took a breather at one point, heading through the open glass doors and into the garden. It was a mild night and the grass was littered with couples and groups chatting and drinking and smoking. James was out there with some of his friends. We chatted for a bit. James had just finished school and he and Grace were just finalising their summer festival plans before James took a job with his dad for his gap year. ‘Then Grace and I can go to uni together,’ he said with a smile.
I nodded. I was happy for the pair of them but, for once, I didn’t envy their relationship or their plans. Right now I felt excited at the prospect of not knowing what lay ahead for me.
‘There’s something I should tell you, River,’ James started.
But before he could say anything else there was a commotion back inside the party. James and I looked in past the open glass doors as the dancing crowd parted and a new group walked through. I gasped. Cody, tall and handsome in a slim-fitting suit and shades, was striding past the dancers, a girl on either arm. Both girls were stunningly attractive – one blonde, one black, with legs up to their armpits, hair cascading down their backs and wearing the tiniest dresses I’d ever seen.
James’s mouth dropped open. One of his friends whistled. My heart seemed to stop beating as Cody and his girls turned and Flynn appeared, strolling behind them, also in an expensive, skinny-fit suit, also exuding style and arrogance and also with a beautiful girl on either side.
I turned to James who was now bright red in the face. ‘Is that what you wanted to tell me?’
He nodded. ‘Er, River . . . I . . .’ he stammered, still staring into the party room.
‘It’s fine.’ I waved my hand and turned back to face the garden. ‘I know he’s back in town. You’re mates. There are bound to be times when we’ll bump into each other. He probably won’t even bother to come over.’
‘Actually—’ James started.
‘Hi, River.’ It was Flynn.
I spun around. He must have seen me from inside the party and come straight out. The girls he’d arrived with were still indoors, already surrounded by admiring guys.
‘Hi.’ I looked him in the eye. He might be all swagger and designer suit but I wasn’t going to let that intimidate me.
Flynn grinned. ‘I hoped you’d be here.’
There was an awkward silence, then James melted away. A lump rose in my throat. I wanted to say something smart and witty, but Flynn seemed to be taking away my powers of speech just by looking at me.
‘Would you like a drink?’ he asked politely.
‘No,’ I said. ‘Actually, er . . . I have to go.’
I turned on my heel and headed back inside the party. Flynn didn’t follow me. For a minute or two I felt shaky, ready to leave. But, then I saw Grace and Emmi across the room. Grace was laughing at something Emmi had just said. As I crossed the room they both turned and smiled and I decided that I would stay after all. Why should I let Flynn being here drive me away? Why couldn’t we be in the same room? Of course it had been a bit of a shock seeing him but I was determined not to let it ruin my evening.
It’s not a big deal, I kept saying to myself.
Flynn and I were over a long time ago.
6
An hour or two passed. I danced with Emmi and other girls from my old school. I chatted with Grace and James and a big bunch of James’s friends. Every now and then I caught sight of Flynn across the room. He danced a little, the girls he and Cody had arrived with writhing around him. Word had spread quickly that all four girls were models. Most of the boys in the room seemed ridiculously impressed.
Flynn spent much of his time talking to James
– I saw him out in the garden, a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other. I shook my head. When I’d met Flynn he would never have touched either alcohol or tobacco. He was clearly avoiding me. I caught him watching me a couple of times when we were dancing at opposite ends of the room. He moved so well it was hard to tear my eyes away. But I did.
I was planning on sharing a cab back to Mum’s with James and Grace in another couple of hours. I’d told Mum I’d be home late and she’d said that so long as I travelled back with other people she didn’t mind. Right now it was one a.m. and I’d been dancing non-stop for an hour. The room was packed so I decided to cool down outside. I slipped off my shoes and drifted across the lawn. The garden was enormous. I had soon passed all the couples and groups near the house and threaded my way through the trees at the back of the garden. It went on forever, not like normal London gardens at all.
Curious to see just how big it was, I kept walking, enjoying the feel of the dry, smooth grass under my toes. There was a little shed made from pale wood beyond the trees. A light shone from inside and, as I got closer, I could hear voices inside.
Raised voices.
One of them was Flynn’s.
‘I’m not doing it any more,’ he was saying.
‘Yes you are.’ That was Cody. I recognised his snarl. ‘You have to.’
‘I’m pulling out,’ Flynn insisted. I knew him in that mood. Whatever he was talking about, the chances of him changing his mind were slim to nil.
Cody swore. ‘Man, I can’t believe you’re bottling it like this. I didn’t think you were such a coward.’
There was a thump from inside the shed. Then another. Were they fighting? The door to the shed was open. I crept closer, keeping carefully out of sight, then peered inside.
Flynn had pinned Cody against the shed wall. Cody was struggling, the veins in his neck bulging as Flynn pressed his arm up against Cody’s throat.
‘I’m not bottling anything,’ Flynn spat, his face close to Cody’s. ‘I did it at first for the money, as you know. Back then it was worth the risk. But it’s over now. It’s got to be over.’
My heart thudded. What on earth were they talking about? The way Flynn was talking made whatever he was referring to sound dodgy at the very least, if not downright illegal.
Cody said nothing. With a final shove, Flynn let go of him and backed away. Cody felt his throat where Flynn’s arm had left a mark. He glared at Flynn.
‘You can’t just walk away.’ His voice was so cold it made me shiver. ‘Bentham won’t let you.’
Flynn opened his mouth to speak but before he could my phone vibrated silently against my skin where I’d tucked it down the side of my dress. I jumped. And the door I was peering around banged against my arm.
The sound of wood against flesh carried – a light tap in the night air. I turned and fled across the grass.
‘What was that?’ Cody demanded.
Footsteps sounded across the floor of the shed. I reached the trees just as Cody and Flynn burst out of the door. Ignoring the rough twigs scratching at my bare feet, I huddled behind the nearest tree, praying it was big enough to conceal me. I could just make out Cody pacing up and down on the grass.
‘Was someone there?’ He ran his hand through his hair. He swore. ‘I said his name, dammit.’
‘You go that way. I’ll look over here.’ Flynn set off at a run towards the trees where I was hiding. Cody ran in the opposite direction.
I held my breath as Flynn entered the little copse just a few metres away from me. I could just make out the white flash of his shirt as he raced through the trees. I froze, hoping he would pass without seeing me. I didn’t dare either move, for fear of him hearing, or leave the cover of the trees, in case Cody spotted me instead.
A second later and Flynn tore past. He caught sight of me and stopped. He stood, blinking, in the dim light, staring at me for a second. Then he put his finger to his lips and walked over. He bent down so his mouth was right next to my ear. I could smell his lemony aftershave and that other, Flynn-specific scent. His smell: sharp and male.
‘Wait here,’ he whispered.
He raced away, out of the trees. A few moments later I could hear him talking with Cody.
‘It was just a cat,’ Flynn was saying. ‘I saw it jump over the fence.’
Cody muttered something in a low voice.
‘I’m gonna take a leak in the trees,’ Flynn said. ‘I’ll see you back in the house.’
Again Cody said something I couldn’t hear.
‘I’ve told you I’m quirting. I only even came out tonight because . . .’ He hesitated. ‘Look, it doesn’t matter. I’m not talking about it any more. If he wants to have a go at me, let him.’
I leaned against my tree. My whole body felt shaky. A few moments later, Flynn was back. He stood in front of me, looking suddenly uncertain.
‘Has Cody gone?’ I whispered.
‘Yeah, he’s back in the house.’ Flynn paused. ‘How much did you overhear?’
I gulped. ‘Enough to know you’re mixed up in something bad,’ I said. ‘And that you’re working for someone called Bentham.’
‘You should forget all that.’ Flynn looked away. There was a bruise around his mouth I hadn’t noticed before. I reached out my hand and touched the damaged skin. Flynn turned towards me. I whipped my hand away.
‘Sorry.’ I could feel myself blushing violently. Why on earth had I done that? I hadn’t meant to.
Flynn was searching my face, his eyes gleaming in the darkness, as intent as I’d ever seen him.
‘I don’t understand, River,’ he said, his voice low and husky. ‘From the way you brushed me off earlier, you clearly think I’m an idiot and not worth the time of day. Yet you’re out here listening behind doors, looking at me like I . . . as if you . . .’ He tailed off.
I shrugged. My head was spinning. It wasn’t the beers I’d drunk or the shock of what I’d overheard. It was being in Flynn’s presence. I closed my eyes, suddenly overwhelmed with a new longing for him. I didn’t understand. I’d felt so sure I was okay without him, that seeing him earlier had just been a bit of a shock, but being here, outside and alone, felt so natural.
‘It feels right, doesn’t it?’ Flynn’s voice was even lower and hoarser than before. ‘That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? That you want it to be wrong, but it feels right.’
I closed my eyes. That was exactly it. I could feel the heat from Flynn’s face, so close to mine. He was waiting for me to give him the tiniest signal. He was a magnet, pulling me towards him. There was no way to resist it. I tilted my face up.
The kiss shuddered right through me. My legs buckled. I leaned back against the tree. I opened my eyes. He was right there, his eyes shining.
‘River.’ His voice cracked and he pulled me into a hug.
I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his strong, muscular back through his jacket. We stood in silence, just holding each other.
A minute must have passed. I became aware of my phone, which had slipped as Flynn hugged me, pressing against my ribs. I suddenly remembered the text I’d received outside the shed. It was probably just Grace or Emmi looking for me, but I should check.
I disentangled myself. Flynn said nothing, but he was staring hungrily at me. I reached for my mobile where it nestled alongside the money Mum had given me for my share of the taxi home.
‘Who’s texting you at this hour?’ Flynn said, an edge to his voice.
‘Back off, Dad,’ I said. ‘Go and have a beer and a fag with one of your girlfriends.’
‘They’re Cody’s friends, those girls we came with,’ Flynn said. ‘Airheads. Nothing to do with me.’
‘Whatever.’ I peered down at the screen. It was a text from Leo. I frowned. What was he messaging me about in the middle of the night? I opened the text: Gemma just gone to hospital. Sounds really bad but I don’t know more than that. Yr dad with her. Told him I wd let you know.
I stared down at the s
creen. Gemma was in hospital? That must mean the baby was coming. It was due now. It was the right time. So why was Leo texting that things were ‘really bad’.
‘Something’s wrong at home.’ I showed Flynn the message.
A frown creased his forehead, then he looked up at me. ‘What do you want to do?’
I tried to think. My instinct was to call Leo but he had already said he didn’t have more information than was in the text. I could ring Dad but he was presumably busy with Gemma, which was why he hadn’t called me himself. My stomach churned over. Gemma had lost a baby a year ago – an early miscarriage that I knew had upset her. This would be a million times worse. I couldn’t bear to think of her and Dad not having this baby.
A sob rose in my chest. ‘I want to go to the hospital,’ I said.
‘Okay.’ Flynn nodded. ‘Okay, then you’re going.’
‘What do you mean?’
Flynn took my hand and led me out of the trees. For a few moments I was too surprised to say anything, but as we crossed the grass I uncurled my fingers from his. ‘What do you mean?’ I repeated, backing away. I checked the time on my phone again. ‘It’s one-thirty in the morning. How can I get back to Norton? It’s a ninety-minute drive away and there won’t be any tubes or trains running this late.’
‘Well find a way,’ Flynn said, his mouth setting in that determined line I knew so well.
He was striding fast across the grass. I was almost running in my bare feet to keep up. ‘I could get a taxi back to Mum’s,’ I said. ‘Do you think she’d drive me to Norton tonight?’
Flynn shot me a glance. ‘Your mum will say there’s nothing you can do until morning.’
He was right.
‘Then it’s hopeless,’ I said.
‘No,’ Flynn said. ‘Come on.’
I followed him through the house. I couldn’t see Cody though three of the girls he and Flynn had come with were still dancing. I caught sight of Emmi across the room but there was no sign of Grace and James. Flynn was already at the front door.
‘Do you have a coat or anything?’