Chapter Twenty-Nine – In Another Realm
After returning to his townhouse and assuring himself that his wife had not returned in his absence, Sebastian was at a loss. Where was he to look for her in a city as large as London? Was she even still in the city, or had she already made it out?
That thought scared him more than anything he’d ever known.
“Did she ever mention anything to you about her family?” Sebastian asked his mother as he paced up and down the length of her bedchamber. Lying in bed with a cold, the countess shook her head. “A name? A place? Anything?”
“I’m sorry, Dear,” his mother said, her eyes darting from side to side as she tried to remember something that might aid him in his search. “We spoke of them once, but she never mentioned anything about where she was from or where she’d lived before you met her at Farnworth Manor. Apparently, she and her mother had a falling-out, and she wouldn’t even write to her about her marriage.”
Her mother? Sebastian stopped in his tracks as his wife’s voice echoed in his mind.
We would always cross Westminster Bridge on our way into London. When I was little, my mother would hand me a coin, and I would hurl it as far as I could toward the Thames. If it hit the water, my mother would encourage me to make a wish, urging me not to reveal my heart’s desire to anyone for then it couldn’t come true.
“She grew up here in London,” Sebastian whispered to himself, trying to straighten his thoughts. “At least during the Season.”
“How do you know?” his mother asked.
However, Sebastian barely heard her. “Westminster Bridge,” he mumbled before his head snapped up, and he strode to the door.
“Where are you going?” his mother called after him before a coughing fit silenced her.
Rushing down the stairs, Sebastian went out back through the servant’s entrance and headed to the stables, not bothering to call for a stable boy. After all, time was more of the essence than it ever had been!
In the dim light, Sebastian raced through the streets of London as fast as he dared, afraid that he would be too late, that she’d already left or … worse.
When Westminster Bridge finally came in sight, his heart stopped as his eyes searched the stony arch across the Thames, which glistened in the moonlight overhead. Dark shadows loomed everywhere, and he found himself reminded of the River Styx where departed souls were ferried into the land of the dead.
Glancing down into the dark water, he truly felt as though he were standing on the threshold to another realm. Had his wife been here? The thought of her body being dragged down into that cold, dark abyss chilled his bones and froze his heart.
Like a madman, he raced down the side of the bridge, eyes glancing left and right, hoping against hope that she was still here, standing at the railing, looking down into the water, instead of …
When he finally caught sight of her, Sebastian stumbled onward, believing himself deceived.
He blinked again and again until he could be certain of what he was seeing.
Without a coat to shield her from the cold night air, his wife stood by the railing, her hands gently draped on the rough stone. The wind tore at her hair, swirling it around her head, and her skirts billowed around her legs. Her shoulders were tense as she fought the shivers that shook her, and her eyes were wide, staring, unblinking as she gazed down into the water.
Afraid that he would scare her, that she would feel threatened and jump, Sebastian approached slowly, setting one foot before the other quietly, forcing himself not to rush her. His muscles trembled with the tension he forced on them, and it seemed like a small eternity passed before he reached her side.
As though frozen in place, she remained where she was, not acknowledging his presence in any way.
Sebastian swallowed, uncertain how to proceed, and so for a moment, he simply remained beside her as she continued to tremble, her breathing fast and unrelenting.
“How did you find me?”
Blinking, Sebastian stared at her as though she had just risen from the earth. Then he swallowed, relieved that she recognised him. “I remembered what you told me about your mother,” he said, taking a careful step closer, “about throwing a coin in the water and making a wish.”
A fleeting smile came to her lips at the pleasant memory of times long gone. “I don’t even know how I got here,” she said, her eyes still staring down into the cold wet. “What am I doing here?”
“I don’t know,” Sebastian whispered, shrugging off his coat. “But I can see that you’re cold; please take my coat.” When she didn’t reply, he stepped closer, careful not to touch her, and placed his coat over her shoulders.
“Thank you,” she whispered, her voice distant as though her mind was elsewhere.
Watching her, Sebastian was at a loss. Somehow, she seemed different from the woman he knew.
Although she had never hidden her fears and insecurities, she had always seemed so incredibly strong to him as though nothing could harm her. And yet, he knew that someone had. Who was Northfield? And how did he know her? How did she know him? Was he the man who …?
Sebastian took a deep breath, uncertain how to address the woman before him. A woman who seemed to have lost touch with the here and now. For although she stood before him, even spoke to him, there was something in her eyes that made him think that only a small part of her was even aware of his presence.
“What happened tonight?” he asked. Although his wife had always refused to share details of her past with him, maybe the woman before him would be less adamant. Maybe she would tell him. “What happened at my sister’s house?”
“She was so sad,” his wife whispered, “like I once was.”
Again, his heart twisted at the thought of his sister’s misery. “Sad about what?”
“About the baby.”
“The−? What?” Staring at her, Sebastian felt the world around him begin to spin. “My sister doesn’t … have … a … baby,” he mumbled as his thoughts raced and finally, finally understood what his wife was saying. “She’s with child? Victoria is with child? Are you certain? Why would she be sad about being with child? My sister loves children.”
His wife sighed. “Because it’s also his child.”
As understanding dawned, Sebastian took a deep breath. Then he stepped forward and carefully placed his hand on her arm. To his surprise, she didn’t shrink back. She didn’t even flinch. It was almost as though she couldn’t feel him. “Allow me to take you home.”
Again, she didn’t reply, but when he gently urged her away from the railing, she began to walk without resistance.
Sebastian retrieved his gelding, which luckily hadn’t run off, and after lifting her into the saddle, he walked the horse through the deserted streets of London. Although he longed to hold her in his arms, he didn’t dare ride behind her for fear his touch would send her into a panic. At least for now, until he had her back home, the current state she was in was preferable.
Leaving the horse with a stable boy, Sebastian escorted his wife upstairs into her bedchamber.
Since she did not move of her own volition, he stepped into the room behind her, expecting her to object.
Only she didn’t, and his concern for her grew.
Something was terribly wrong. What would he do if she didn’t return to him? If she chose to stay in the place her mind had retreated to to feel safe? To shut out the pain and fear?
Helping her out of her shoes and his coat, he urged her to lie down and wrapped the thick blanket tightly around her. Then he drew up a chair and sat down beside her, unsure what else to do.
For a long time, they sat in silence as his wife stared into the darkened room, and he stared at her.
Torn between wanting to stay and the nagging suspicion that it was his presence that kept her awake, Sebastian rose from the chair.
However, the second he stood, her arm shot out from under the covers, and her cold hand grabbed his wrist. “Don’t leave me,” she whispered, h
er eyes still as distant as before.
Momentarily shocked, Sebastian froze before an unexpected warmth flooded his heart and a soft smile came to his lips. “If you want me to, I’ll stay.” Sitting back down, he rearranged the blanket that had slipped from her shoulders.
As he moved, her hand tightened around his wrist as though she feared he would disappear into thin air.
“Sleep,” he whispered, and his hand gently closed over hers. “I promise I’ll stay. I won’t go.”
After a moment, she took a deep breath before her eyes finally closed, and she fell asleep.
Chapter Thirty – Revelations
Charlotte spent the night wrapped in a warm cocoon.
Only when her mind slowly retreated from deep slumber did the events of the previous night slink back into her consciousness. Slowly, ever so slowly, she remembered the moment she had found herself face to face with the ghost of her past. She remembered the shock in his eyes. She remembered the sound of his glass shattering on the floor, the sound of his boots as he had started toward her. And she remembered the moment instinct had taken over, sending her out the door and urging her legs onward until exhaustion had finally slowed them down.
At first, fear had gripped her heart, bringing with it its companions of the past. Her body had ached with the onslaught of these emotions, and more than once she’d thought they’d bring her to her knees.
But somehow, she had kept going, and eventually, step by step, everything had fallen away until there had been no more fear, or pain, or terror, no more shame or revulsion.
A familiar, old nothing had claimed her, dulling her senses and shielding her heart from the harsh world around her, keeping her safe in a place she had visited before.
Months ago, only the imminent threat to her life had brought her back.
The fire at Winham Institute.
The fire that had ultimately led her here. To Westminster Bridge.
And then Sebastian had found her.
Through the dense fog, his presence had reached her mind, and she had heard him. She had heard his voice and sensed his concern even though her own emotions had still been muted.
And she had allowed him to take her home.
Had it been a mistake? She wondered as she carefully cracked open an eye and found him sleeping in a chair beside her bed, his head resting on his crossed arms, his hand still holding hers.
Her fingers began to tingle as she felt the warmth of his skin against hers.
Somewhere in the back of her mind, Charlotte remembered that she had been cold−so very cold−until a small fire had been lit near her. A fire that had warmed her limbs and chased away the darkness clawing at her heart.
Sebastian.
Lost in her thoughts, Charlotte almost flinched when a soft knock sounded on the door to her room. Holding her breath, she waited and then quickly closed her eyes when her husband began to stir.
Robbed of her sight, Charlotte heard his breathing grow deeper before he pushed himself up and yawned.
Again, a soft knock sounded on the door.
Clearing his throat, her husband called, “Enter.”
Charlotte heard the door slide open.
“Victoria,” her husband exclaimed, surprise in his voice, before he stood, his hand still holding hers. Then he shifted and carefully laid her hand back down on the mattress, squeezing it gently before letting go.
Regret filled Charlotte at the sudden loss of his warmth, and in that small, rather insignificant moment, she realised that she loved him.
“How is she?” Victoria whispered, her soft footsteps barely audible on the carpet.
“I don’t know,” her husband said, tension in his voice. “She hasn’t woken up yet.”
“Where did you find her?”
He sighed, “On Westminster Bridge.”
Victoria drew in a sharp breath. “Are you saying she wanted to … to jump?”
“I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t think so. I …” Taking a deep breath, her husband began to pace the floor. “I found her standing there, staring down into the water, but I’m not entirely certain she even saw it.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I spoke to her, she barely realised I was there,” he said, frustration in his voice. “I think whatever happened shocked her out of the here and now. She seemed so distant, so unfeeling as though the pain had become too much and her heart had simply blocked it out for fear it would not be able to bear the burden and break.”
“Did she say anything?” Victoria asked. “Do you know what happened that scared her so?”
“No, nothing.” Again, her husband sighed deeply, then took a few steps. “Did your husband say anything to you?”
Carefully opening her eyes a little bit, Charlotte saw Victoria shake her head, her eyes full of sadness. “He did not. Only he kept looking at me as though all this was truly amusing to him. He asked me about Lotte, where she was from, how you met.” Lips pressed into a tight line, Victoria looked at her brother. “It was as though he enjoyed her misery.”
As the muscles in his jaw convulsed, a dark growl rose from her husband’s throat.
“Do you know how they know each other?” Victoria asked. “You never told us much about her. Do you know anything about her family, about where she is from?”
Sebastian shook his head. “Very little. I have a few suspicions, but so far that’s all there is.” He took a deep breath. “What happened yesterday when she came to you?”
Averting her eyes, Victoria took a deep breath. “We … talked and−"
“About what?”
Swallowing, Victoria opened her mouth. “Well, we …”
“About the baby?” A soft smile on his face, Sebastian looked at his sister, whose eyes had gone wide. “Please, don’t feel as though you cannot talk to me.”
“She told you about the baby?” Victoria stammered as a slight blush came to her cheeks.
“I don’t think she meant to,” her husband assured her. “When I found her on the bridge, she was … not herself.”
Unable to look at her brother, Victoria averted her eyes and gazed down at her folded hands resting gently on her belly.
“Please, don’t hide from me,” Sebastian pleaded, gently lifting her chin. “I’m glad you spoke to Lotte. You should not go through this alone.”
“I didn’t tell her,” Victoria whispered. “She knew. She simply knew.”
A frown drew down Sebastian’s brows. “She did? How?” He glanced at his sister’s flat belly.
Victoria shook her head. “No, it’s too early for that.” She took a deep breath, and a hint of relief shone in her eyes. “She said she knew because she knew what to look for. She knew the signs as only someone can who’s been through the same experience.”
“The same experience?” her husband mumbled, staring at his sister before his gaze shifted to the bed.
Quickly, Charlotte closed her eyes as her heart hammered in her chest. She had revealed Victoria’s secret, and now, Victoria was revealing hers.
“What are you talking about?” her husband demanded.
“Oh!” Victoria exclaimed, shock in her voice. “You mean, she didn’t … You don’t know?”
“Don’t know what?” His breathing quickened as he spoke. “Are you saying she has a child?”
“No! She−" Breaking off, Victoria brushed past her brother. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It is not my place. Please don’t ask me anything.”
Walking up to his sister, Sebastian took a deep breath. “How can I not? I’m married to a woman I know nothing about. Yes, I know that I knew this from the very beginning, but I didn’t expect to fall−"
“In love with her?” Victoria asked, a smile in her voice as she spoke. “I don’t think she did, either; I don’t think she is keeping this from you to hurt you. I don’t know what happened in her past, but I believe it must be truly awful. She understands exactly how I feel, and she couldn’t if she’d neve
r …”
Sebastian took a deep breath, and although Charlotte couldn’t see his face, she understood the pain he felt as well as the confusion. Did he truly love her? The thought made her heart skip a beat, and yet, it also conjured moments of pain and degradation. Would she ever be free to love without fear? Did she deserve to?
Occasionally, Charlotte would find herself almost forgetting the atrocities she had committed. After all, she had found a new life, and the previous day notwithstanding, she had come to love it, love the people in it, secretly harbouring hopes for a future she remembered from a long time ago … when she had been young and had still dared to dream.
And then she would remember.
She would remember that she wasn’t simply a victim, that she hadn’t been for a long time. And she would remind herself that although she had gone unpunished by society’s laws, this just might be the punishment she deserved.
To have love and happiness within her grasp, and yet, so far away that no matter how many miles she travelled she would never be able to reach them.
And still it was there, right before her eyes, reminding her of what she had done.
Every day.
For the rest of her life.
Chapter Thirty-One – Out of Convenience
After Victoria had left, Sebastian returned to his wife’s side.
Watching her, he couldn’t help but picture her with a baby in her arms and wondered for the thousandth time what had happened to her. From Victoria’s reaction, he felt certain that she didn’t have a child at present. But had she had one once? Had it died? Had she miscarried?
Who had been the child’s father?
Only someone who’s been through the same experience, his sister had said. What did that mean?
After all, his sister was married, and to the best of his knowledge−although admittedly it wasn’t extensive his wife had never been married … but betrothed.
Had she despised her betrothed like Victoria despised her husband? Had she, too, been sad to find herself with child because of who the child’s father was? Because of the memories that would forever be attached to that young life?