Part of me wanted to go, but part of me didn’t. What was the point? I didn’t belong. They all had a history together. I would be the outsider, easily expendable and forgotten, never really included. Like always. Why go through all that rejection and heartache? I should just save myself the trouble.
“Liz…” His soft voice snapped me out of my daze. “Look at me.”
I looked at him and saw the look of concern in his eyes. The topic that we had so carefully danced around the whole day was going to come up. I felt weak and vulnerable, like I was teetering on that edge again.
“About last night…” He waited to see my reaction. My face fell and my shoulders slumped even further.
I turned away and started to get up from the couch. “Yeah. Thanks for being there and coming over and everything… But, you don’t have to…”
He grabbed my wrist and felt my blood run hot. Instinctively, I recoiled and he let go. “Sorry. I’m sorry. Look, I don’t want you to ever feel like killing yourself is a solution. It isn’t. You don’t have to be alone.”
I really didn’t want to talk about this. I grabbed an empty bowl of chips off the coffee table and rushed to the kitchen. “Can’t you just forget it happened?”
He followed a few steps behind me. He shook his head and looked at me like I was crazy for suggesting it. “No. Never.”
“Please?” I begged.
“I can’t. You don’t get it, do you? The last time I was that scared was when Lindsey was in the hospital.”
That cut to the heart of me. I didn’t realize that it affected him that way. I vaguely remembered Mr. D saying that Patrick was scared, but I thought he was exaggerating. I had no idea it was genuine.
He continued, “Besides…I don’t want to. I don’t want to take you for granted.”
“I don’t want you to feel obligated to be my friend because of last night. I appreciate that you were there and all the trouble you went through to…. talk me down. But I don’t want you to feel that you have to stick around. I don’t want your pity.”
His jaw seemed to drop and he looked like I kicked him in the gut. “Is that what you think? That I’m here ‘cause of pity? That that’s the only way someone would be friends with you? Seriously?”
I bit the inside of my cheek and shrugged. “Well, isn’t it?”
“No!” He was so emphatic that it surprised me. I really offended him. “I wanted to be your friend before last night. I was your friend before I stopped you from committing suicide!”
I cringed at the word. Somehow I didn’t think of it as suicide, but more like euthanasia. Although that was just a semantic thing and an excuse to make it more palatable for myself, I knew what it was and so did he. He just had the courage to call it what it was.
“I will be your friend after. I told you…. You can’t push me away. I am your friend…whether you let me be or not. I would miss you if you were gone. If you think no one would, you’d be wrong. I can’t speak for anyone else, especially your family, but I would.”
I was sure he would want to run screaming in the other direction to get away from me, once he saw how screwed up I was. But he didn’t. It seemed to make him want to stay. He was the first person in my life that didn’t pull away, keep their distance and leave me alone.
“You don’t have to be alone anymore. Unless you really want to, in which case…you’ll have to work to avoid me. But, I would like you to meet me half way.”
“What does that mean?” I was suspicious.
“I’ll be your friend—unconditionally. No matter what. But you can repay me by being my friend.”
“And? What’s the catch?” There had to be more.
“No catch. But being a friend includes going out and doing stuff with me and the crew.” He said simply.
I made a face showing my aversion to going out. “I don’t know. What if…”
“Stop talking yourself out of it. Why do you do that?” He threw his hands up in frustration.
“I don’t want to waste anybody’s time.” Wasn’t that obvious? It was to me.
“That’s your mom talking.” He pointed out. “No excuses…the truth.”
Hmph. He’d seen me at my lowest point. He deserved the truth. Patrick was, after all, my friend. “So, I don’t get hurt. I can’t take getting burned, so it’s a hell of a lot easier to not chance it.”
“But if you don’t take a chance, you may not lose, but you’ll never gain either.”
“That’s probably true. But I can’t trust my instincts. It’s failed me…big time before. I don’t trust myself on things like this.’
He became empathetic. “Okay, well, you trust me. Right?”
I nodded, “Yeah, I do.”
“So, trust me when I say that Bobby, Jason and the crew won’t hurt you. They’re cool. You’ll see. But you need to give them a chance.”
I thought about what he said. After all he’d seen about me, he had to know how vulnerable I was. How the littlest thing could cause me to react. I had trusted him so far and he hadn’t turned on me. In fact, he had always been supportive, kind and friendly. He looked out for me and, well, protected me from myself. I looked up at him and a small smile was forming on his face. I think he knew he was getting through to me, getting me to switch my way of thinking, at least with regards to his crew.
His swagger and laugh returned. “Besides, I saved your life. So, I own you now.”
“Own me?” I laughed sarcastically. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“Well, okay. What it really means is that I’m responsible for you.” Then his tone changed to something more serious and thoughtful. “To make sure you don’t get in trouble…that you don’t get lost again.”
It was like he was my guardian angel or something. It was a nice sentiment. I wanted to believe it.
He cleared his throat, trying to switch back to a happier tone of voice. “So, cut me a break and come to the movies with me and the crew.” Then he seemed to think of a new argument in his favor. “Besides, Emily already invited you.”
“Huh?” I was confused. What? When?
“After the basketball game the other day. Remember?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. I had run out of excuses. He appealed to my logical side. I was letting him talk me into going. I hope I wasn’t going to regret it. Finally, I surrendered, “Okay.”