29. REALIZATION
Patrick drove us to the bluffs. I don’t think I could get there on my own, since I’ve only been there once before. Besides, I’m geographically challenged, I tend to get lost easily. If I drove out there by myself to think, I’d definitely get lost. You’d have to call the Coast Guard to find me. That wouldn’t be good.
We both were lost in our own thoughts. It had seemed so long ago that Patrick said he’d tell me how his ‘talk’ with Becca went yesterday. But, it was just this morning, not even 10 hours ago. How quickly life can change. My current concerns and thoughts were so different from this morning. You’d think I’d know how fast life can go from good to bad. We were almost to Moonlight Bluffs. “Patrick?”
“Yeah?” He glanced over at me.
“You okay?” I bit the inside of my cheek. I knew something was bothering him, but it wasn’t just about me getting beat up. There was something else.
“I feel bad…” His voice trailed off. We got to the bluffs and he parked the car.
“I told you…” I tried to remind Patrick that I didn’t blame him, but he cut me off.
“I know. I know.” He unlocked the doors. “Come on.” He motioned for me to get out of the car. It was painful. He helped me get out and we walked over to his thinking spot and sat down.
“Patrick…” I put my hand on his knee.
He placed his hand on top of mine. “Liz…I’m sorry. I said I’d always be there for you…and I wasn’t.”
“Yes, you are.” He did feel guilty. I hated that he did. He had nothing to feel bad about.
“No, I wasn’t.” He shook his head. “I should have been the one to find you. Not Joey.”
“Is that why you feel guilty? ‘Cause Joey found me?” I looked at him in disbelief. “You had practice. You got there right after practice. There was no way for you to know. You shouldn’t feel bad.”
“No…no, I didn’t.” His voice broke. He looked at me and his eyes welled up.
“I… I don’t understand.” What was he trying to say?
“I got side-tracked…by Becca.” He stared at me, watching for my reaction.
“Becca?” What the hell? I tried to wrap my brain around it. What did she do? “What do you mean…‘side-tracked’?”
He tilted his head back. “I looked for you after practice and you weren’t there. Instead I saw Becca sitting there…waiting for me. I tried to avoid her. I tried to walk by her, but she stood in my way. She kissed me.” He turned to face me. He was so upset. “I pulled away. She said she wanted to talk. That she wanted to get back together. I told her it was over. There was no going back. I… I couldn’t go back. I didn’t want to. I kept looking at the door, expecting you to come in. When you didn’t, I thought…you were still at rehearsal.” He sighed. “Bobby, Jason and I left the gym and headed to the auditorium. Of course, the place was empty. My mind was racing… I couldn’t figure out where you were. I was scared that you might have seen Becca kissing me and you left. We went to the parking lot and saw your car was still there. Then I got really worried… I was scared something happened to you, because I know you would have called me. Then when I called you and Joey answered… First I thought that he did something to you…that I wasn’t there to protect you, like I said I would.” His eyes were filled with so much remorse.
I turned to face him. “Joey didn’t do anything but answer my phone and see if I was okay. There’s nothing you could have done. Becca had already gotten to me before she ambushed you.”
“I should have known what Becca did…” He brushed my hair away that covered some of my facial cuts. “She said… When she saw me looking for you… She said you won’t be coming anytime soon. That’s why I thought you were still in rehearsal. When I left, I heard her tell her friends that you were no match for her, that I’d come to my senses and come back to her.”
It was like there was something else he wasn’t saying. “What…what else did she say? Don’t stop now. I need to hear it. What else did she say?”
Patrick shook his head, “Uh-uh. No.”
“Please, tell me.” I begged. I had to know.
He looked at me somberly. “She said that you were too weak and that I needed a strong woman like her. A real woman. That I needed her and I’d realize it soon enough.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes.
I stared out over the bluffs, watching the ocean. I wrapped my arms around my knees—my sides screamed. Part of me thought there was some truth to it. He needed a strong woman. I didn’t see myself as strong, but I didn’t see her as strong either. Real woman? What the hell does that mean? What kind of real stuff had she been through? Breaking a nail? A break up with a guy? How am I any less real? If anything, I’ve been through hell and back. That’s real. She wants real. I’ll show her real.
I was angry and tired. I was angry that she did this to me. To Patrick. Tired of being on the receiving end of this crap. I was done being a victim. Assaulted in an alley in a strange city was something I couldn’t do much about. Becca I could handle. I was not going to be her victim. I was not going to let her manipulate Patrick through me. No! I was done being a victim. It was time for me to fight back.
Patrick put his hand on my arm and lightly shook me. I was so angry that tears started welling up in my eyes. Each time I blinked, they poured down my face. Patrick unwrapped my arms from my knees, came closer and hugged me. “Liz…it’s not true. You aren’t weak. You are the strongest person I know.” He said in my ear.
I didn’t think so, but I wanted to believe him. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. It meant so much that Patrick thought the way he did about me. I don’t think I’d be able to get through life without his support. “Thanks.” I whispered.
After I calmed down, I pulled away. I wiped my face and took another deep breath. I needed a change in focus. Although, the next topic may not be much better. “So, uh.. you said this morning that you’d tell me what happened yesterday.” I cleared my throat. “So…what happened? How are you doing?”
He got really nervous. “You don’t want to hear about it now.”
“Yeah, I do. I wouldn’t have asked, if I didn’t want to know. But if you don’t want to, I understand. I don’t mean to be nosy.” I insisted. While I didn’t need to know the intimate details of their breakup, I was open to whatever he wanted to share. “I want to be there for you.”
He scratched his head and ran his hand through his hair. “I, uh, went by her house yesterday. She acted like nothing was wrong. You know her…”
Just like Becca to act like she didn’t do anything wrong or hurt anybody. To act like she was queen of everyone and we should all just adore her.
He sighed. “She threw her arms around me and…for a second, I forgot that last night happened and why I was there.” He shook his head. “Yeah, that didn’t last long. Anyway, I told her I wanted to break up. That…it wasn’t working for me. It went about as you’d expect Becca to take it. Not well. She…she started crying. Usually, I cave when she cries. We’ve had fights where it ended with her crying and me caving. When I didn’t cave and change my mind, she stopped crying. It was weird, it was like she was faking it.”
That manipulative bitch.
“‘Cause all of a sudden she flipped a switch or something.”
Or rather, she started showing her true self.
“She said some really mean things.”
About me and the crew, no doubt. Boy, was she stupid. Saying crap about his friends wasn’t going to make him change his mind. Well, I’m glad he was finally getting to see what the rest of us saw.
“I knew she’d be upset, but… Humph. I should have known that she would pull something…”
“No matter what happened between you and Becca… Whatever she might think… What she did to me, isn’t not your fault. Don’t worry about me.”
“Yeah, but I do.” He looked at me and my heart hurt. I knew in that moment that he really did care about me. Not that I doubted it,
but it seemed so real in that moment. I had a best friend, and it went both ways. It was like…family. Family like it’s supposed to be defined. Not like what I had at home.
“Forget about me for a second. How are you doing?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Eh. Part of me misses her. I realize you probably don’t understand…” His voice trailed off. Patrick let off a little chuckle and a breath. “But a bigger part of me is glad it’s over. Like I can breathe. I don’t have to worry about fighting over something stupid. I’ll be okay.”
“You sure?” Breaking up with someone isn’t easy, even if you’re the one who did the breaking up.
“Yeah.” Patrick looked at me and his eyes seemed lighter. I could see that he was okay. The back of his hand tapped my leg. “Why don’t we grab something to eat?” He slyly smiled and eyed me carefully. He was checking up on me.
“Sure. How about burgers?” My response caught him off guard. He seemed pleasantly surprised. Not only did I agree to get something to eat after the day I had, but I suggested something.
“Hmm… I could definitely go for a burger.” He looked at me thoughtfully, scanning my face. “Something’s different.”
The corner of my mouth turned up to a little smile. “Yeah. I’m hungry.”