Page 42
Ryan’s head flinches as if I slapped him.
Pretending I don’t care what he thinks about me, I jut out my chin. Fairy tales happen, just not to me. Time to tell the prince he rescued the wrong girl.
“Two years ago, the guy every girl dreamed about spent an entire summer making me feel special. A week before school started, he told me he loved me, and I gave him my virginity.
When school began, he told his friends I was a slut. ”
Ryan reaches out and I lean away. Some pain isn’t meant to be shared. I was the idiot who believed Luke. I was the one who honestly thought I was special enough to be loved.
“He took advantage of you. ” An undercurrent of anger surges in his voice.
“That doesn’t make you a whore, that makes him an asshole. ”
He’s missing the point. “I drink. I smoke pot. Before I came to Groveton, I was high all the time. I am not the girl you want to be permanent with. You don’t see me for who I am. ”
“I know you turned down the chance to smoke pot on Saturday. I know the rumors at school say you’ve turned down the guys who smoke that shit endlessly. I know that you walk a straighter line than most of the kids at school.
This is a small town, Beth. You can’t breathe without someone knowing. I don’t know who you pretended to be in Louisville, but I see the girl you really are now. ”
The way he stares at me—it’s as if he doesn’t even see the outside anymore. His eyes pierce me as if he can see my soul and the thought terrifies me. He can’t fall for me. He can’t. “Do you think you’re the only guy I’ve made out with because I wanted to feel something?”
“I was different,” he says with confidence.
I swallow, look away, and lie, “No, you weren’t. ”
Ryan steps toward me and I step back. He’s not reacting like he should. Ryan should be disgusted by me. He should be walking away, not coming closer. Hope lights his face. “You are the one person who can have an entire conversation with someone and stare straight into their eyes and never blink. That is, unless you’re lying. Look me in the eye and tell me the truth. You fell for me that night in the barn. ”
My eyes dart to his and I curse internally when he smiles. “That’s why you bolted. ”
How can someone experience so much joy when I’m in so much agony? Doesn’t he understand we aren’t going to work?
“You felt something for me and you didn’t want to. You wanted a mindless hookup, but it blew up in your face. ”
I can see the memory of the night playing in his eyes, and my chest aches. He’s on the verge of figuring it out. His eyebrows shoot up. “You bolted when I whispered your name. You felt something for me right then, didn’t you?”
My head shakes back and forth as I whisper, “No. ”
Relief softens his face and a hint of hope lifts his lips. “You’re falling for me like I’m falling for you. That’s why you’re pushing me so hard. ”
“Leave me alone!” Filled with the need to flee, I turn. If I run fast enough, I can leave behind the awful memories of my past and Ryan’s beautiful words can never wind their way into my soul. I step into air. My heart races to my throat as I fall forward. The pond.
Terrified of the water, I scream. Strong arms weave around my waist and pull me to solid ground.
I lean my back into Ryan’s chest and clutch his arms. My fingernails dig into his skin like hooks. If I fall in, I’m going to drown. The weights upon me are too heavy to stay afloat.
My only option is to sink.
I suck in a few breaths and after I take one longer one, Ryan lowers his head to my ear.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. ”
“You’re shaking. Fine doesn’t mean you shake. ”
“I can’t swim, but I’m fine now. ”
“You can’t swim,” he repeats.
“No. ” A drop of rain lands on my head and slithers down my scalp. “We should go. ” The day is ruined. “It’s going to rain. ”
Ryan loosens his grip on me and within seconds, he sweeps me into the air and cradles me against his chest. My face is devastatingly close to his. I blink several times. “What are you doing?”
Instead of answering, he jumps into the pond.
Dizziness overcomes me and my blood pressure tanks. Water rises and smacks my face, my hair, my clothing. My arms strangle his neck. I’m going to drown. “Ryan!”
“I’ve got you,” he says in a calm tone.
“You’re okay. ”
He wades deeper into the cold water.
Gravity calls for me to slide out of his arms and become constrained by the water below.
I’ll suffocate with my eyes open. My hold on him tightens. “Take me back!”
Water penetrates my shoes, my jeans, the back of my shirt. It pours over my stomach and I grow heavier and heavier. Cold wetness teases my skin—calling out a hateful, mimicking laugh. I bury my head in the crook of his neck. I don’t want to die. I don’t.
He stops and whispers into my ear, “Look at me. ”
I don’t have the strength to lift my head.
Instead, I ease it to his shoulder and open my eyes.
“I’m going to teach you how to float. ”
I tighten my grip. “You’re going to kill me. ”
“Trust me. ”
“I can’t,” I whisper. I trusted Scott, my mother, and my father. I trusted Luke, my aunt, and Isaiah. All people who left me. All people who faded into darkness. My heart has been ripped multiple times and each time I repaired it on my own. I know my limits and if someone rips me apart again, I’ll never find the strength to pick up the pieces.
An intensity warms his brown eyes and he gently hugs my body to his. “You can. ”
I suck in a breath. Ryan’s doing it. He’s giving me the same look Chris gives Lacy. The same look Noah gives Echo. Maybe I can. My heart thunders as I reach up and grab the hair curling near the base of Ryan’s neck. “Don’t drop me. ”
“I won’t. ” Ryan’s voice is so soothing—so confident—I almost believe him. Maybe I can believe him. He won’t drop me. He’ll hold me.
He swore it.
“It’s time to let go,” he says.
One breath. Another. He won’t let me go. I loosen my grip and Ryan immediately lowers his arms. Water floods over my body and laps against his chest. My head snaps up and I kick and splash to stay above water. Panic commands my lungs. He’s taller than me, which means I wouldn’t be able to stand in the water. “Take me back. ”
Ryan lowers his forehead to mine. His warm breath fans over my face. “I will never let you go. ”
He won’t let me go. He won’t. “Okay. ”
Ryan skims his nose along my cheek and goose bumps rise on my neck. He pulls his head back. I fight the urge to cling to him.
Ryan said he wouldn’t drop me and he won’t.
He won’t.
My hair becomes weightless in the water and licks my cheeks. Ryan’s strong arms reaffirm his promise to me. “Tilt your head back,” he says.
I inhale and do as he asks. Water enters my ears and my muscles flinch with fear. Ryan keeps his firm hold. “Spread your arms to your sides and arch your back. Let your legs float. ”
As I slowly follow instructions, Ryan steps from me. I jerk toward him. “Ryan!”
He shakes his head. “I’m not letting go. I’m giving you room. Keep your head tilted back. ”
Head tilted back. Arms and legs spread out.
My pulse throbs in my ears. Ryan’s voice is muffled, but I can read his lips. “Relax. Breathe. ”
Relax. Head tilted back. Arms and legs spread out. Breathe. I stare at the clouds overhead and the trees hanging over the pond.
Relax. Head tilted back. Arms and legs spread out. Breathe.
A pair of birds circle in the sky. It’s a playful dance. They spread their wings and let the gentle wind pull them u
p and over. Down and around. God, I wish I was free. I wish I was a bird floating in the breeze. I close my eyes and pretend I’m a bird. My muscles melt. The water makes a rhythmic swishing melody in my ears. Away and near. Away and near.
I’m a bird—floating on the breeze. A gentle nudge in the back of my mind whispers that I know this feeling. I’ve owned this feeling for years. This feeling of drifting, swaying, floating. I’m floating. Through the water I hear Ryan’s sweet muffled voice: “You’re doing it. ”
I open my eyes and see that glorious smile on his lips. The smile that is for me. Me alone. I go to smile back and I realize I already am. I’m smiling. My stomach clenches and the chains return. Oh God, no. I’ve fallen in love with him. I’ve done it. I’ve given him power over me.
Ryan
BETH IS A BEAUTIFUL FLOATING VISION. Her black hair drifts on the surface of the water and the peaceful smile I love graces her lips. Her eyes no longer have their glazed guard. They are as calm and deep as the ocean. For the first time ever, Beth is letting me see her soul and if I had any doubts before, they’re gone. I’m in love with Beth Risk.
Beth blinks and the smile fades. Several raindrops plop into the pond and the sound of the incoming storm taps against the trees. Beth sinks and I catch her before her head goes under.
“Let me go!” Her grip isn’t nearly as tight as I carry her onto the shore. The light rain becomes steady and quickly saturates my hair.
I place Beth on her feet and my heart plummets. She’s slammed shut her walls.
She pivots on her feet and darts toward Scott’s tree line. Beth trusted me in the water.
She cares for me. I know it. The promise I made to her is forever—I will not let her go. I chase after her and grab her by her waist before she steps into the woods. “Dammit, Beth! Stop running from me!”
My pulse hammers through my body. She’s been running from me from the moment I met her. No matter how hard I try to hold on to her, she finds a way to slip out of my grasp.
Not anymore. Not today.
Water streaks down her cheeks and her hair clings to her head. She shivers violently in the warm fall storm. I rub my hands up and down her arms.
“Let me go,” she again yells over the rain.
“No. ” I move my hand to her cheek. Those eyes that looked so peaceful moments before are crazy with panic. I want her to trust me. I want her to feel what I’m feeling. “I’m in love with you. ”
“No! Please. Just don’t!” Her lower lip trembles and she unsuccessfully smacks at the hand holding her waist.
“Tell me why you’re fighting me. What are you scared of?”
Beth’s fingernails dig into the skin of my arm. “I’m scared of nothing. ”
“I love you,” I say again and Beth’s panic rises in intensity. She pushes at my arms. The words scare her. She’s scared of love. “I love you, Beth. ”
She raises her face and fire rages in her eyes.
“Stop saying that!”
“Why?” Without meaning to, I shake her gently. I want her to say it back. “I’m in love with you. Tell me why I can’t say it to you. ”