“It’s okay, stay calm,” I said as her voice got louder the more frustrated she got.
“Sorry. I just hate seeing him drift like this. ”
I could relate to that. I’d hated watching Jasper get drunk almost every night and walk around like he’d checked out long ago.
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“He gets frustrated at me getting frustrated. I think he resents that I know what I’m doing and what I want, and I resent that he makes me feel bad for it. I work really hard to get where I am, and I’ll continue doing that. We’re just so different. ”
“I think he’ll be the same when he gets a job he likes,” Li said.
Amy threw her hands up.
“Me too! He talks about it with such enthusiasm. I seriously fall in love with him all over again when he gets that passionate; it’s really cute. But then, nothing. I don’t want to push but at the same time I do because his moods are driving a wedge between us. ”
“You need to be sneaky about this. If you suggest something, he won’t listen, or it’ll be a bad idea. You need to plan it, so he thinks he thought of it all along,” I said.
“That what you do with Jasper?”
“No, he’s usually a step ahead of me anyway,” I replied and frowned. “He thinks everything through to death. ”
Amy sighed dreamily. “Ah that would be nice. ”
“You’ll be fine. Hey, why don’t you do a bit of research and see what’s around the area where you’re going? Maybe you’ll find some inspiration,” Li said.
“That’s actually a good idea,” Amy replied. “Right, this weekend we’re getting things sorted out. ”
I nodded, wishing I could be that decisive so quickly.
“Now that’s done. Tell us about lover boy!”
Groaning, I threw my arm over my head and laid back in the sofa. “There’s nothing to tell. We’re friends, and we’re having a baby. ”
“And you’re in love with him,” Li said.
I dropped my arm. “Not love. I just like him an unhealthy amount. ”
Amy laughed. “Li’s right. You love him. ”
My heart leapt. “Oh. I do, don’t I?”
The both nodded, laughing.
“Damn. ”
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Your next scan is October 11th at eleven, right?” Jasper asked for the millionth time. He was panicking about being so far away from us now I was back at uni. All the way in the car as he prepared to drop me off he’d been memorising dates, or trying to, he’d get stressed and muddle them up.
“Yes. I’ll be home Thursday evening though. You know this, stop stressing. ”
He gave me a tight smile. “What time are you getting back Thursday?”
“I’ll leave as soon as I’m done so I’ll be back around five or six. ”
“Want to get dinner when you’re back then? I mean; I wouldn’t have seen my bump in a couple weeks,” he said, running his hand over my flat belly.
I loved him even more knowing how much he loved our child.
“Sure,” I whispered, finding it hard to resist the urge to push up on my feet and kiss him. “Nothing spicy though. She doesn’t like spicy. ”
“We’re so going to be screwed if we have a boy,” he said, shaking his head and smiling.
“Why? You don’t want a boy?”
“No, I don’t care what it is, but we always say she. You’ve only ever looked at girl stuff or thought of girl names. The poor boy will be called Annie. ”
“I’m not sure I like Annie so much now. ”
“Okay, well whatever we decide. Where do you want these?” he asked, holding up one of my thongs.
I gasped and grabbed it from his hand. “I hate you! God if I wasn’t pregnant I’d jump on you right now. ”
“Hey, you can still do that,” he replied, laughing and dodging my hand as I tried to slap him. “The midwife said sex in pregnancy is perfectly safe. ”
“I didn’t mean that kind of jumping on you!”
He sighed. “Oh well, we’re almost at the horny month. ”
He’d been going on about this for a while. Apparently he’d seen on TV that month four was when your hormones went crazy, and you were turned on a lot.
“Hmm, but you’ll be back home, and I’ll be here, surrounded by plenty of good-looking men,” I teased.
He froze on the spot, face falling.
“Hey! As if I’m going to sleep with anyone else while I’m carrying your baby. I’m not that kind of girl,” I said. That hurt.
“I know you’re not. ”
“Then why the face?”
“Nothing. You want me to move that wardrobe over?”
He walked to the end of my room and looked either side of the wardrobe. The look wasn’t ‘nothing’. I didn’t want to even say it in my head in case I’d got the wrong idea but… jealousy? The idea that he could be jealous over me gave me a thrill. But I still wasn’t going to push it. I wanted us to be together, but I wanted him to make the first move, so I was sure it was what he really wanted.
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“Sure. I’d do it myself but…” I rubbed my belly.
Jasper smirked. “But you’re a weakling girl?”
I knew he’d only said that for a reaction, so I didn’t give him one.
“When you’ve finished that you can buy me lunch. The baby is hungry. ” I could tell him the baby wanted its mum to have a diamond necklace, and he’d buy it. He was obsessed with doing things right and controlling everything – because he’d had no control over what his dad had done to them.
Jasper bought me lunch and then, later on, dinner. He was hanging around, not wanting to leave. As time went on his posture changed dramatically. He was tense and uneasy.
“I’ll be fine, Jasper,” I said as the clock ticked closer to ten p. m.
He forced a smile. “I know that. Promise you’ll call if you need anything. ”
“I will. Please stop worrying, we’ll be alright. ”
His jaw flexed, but he said nothing.
“We’ll be fine,” I repeated. I watched his eyes darken in what looked like fear. He was scared to be away from us in case something happened.
“Jasper,” I whispered, my heart breaking for him and how much he was still suffering after what his dad did to him.
“Don’t,” he said and covered his lips over mine. I was shocked at first, but by the time I knew what was happening, I responded to his desperate kiss.
My final class of the day was over, and I couldn’t wait to get home. I’d completed two weeks back at university and knowing I had a baby coming made me miss my family even more. I wanted to be around them while I was pregnant and over-emotional. I’d ventured into the crying-over-the-stupidest-things realm and needed my mum.
“So glad this week is over,” Yasmin said as we walked back towards our shared flat. “I thought it was never going to end. ”
“Me too. It feels like the end of the year rather than the beginning. I have no idea how I’m going to get though the rest of it. ” I had six months of my pregnancy left and eight months of uni.
With all the work of the final year already starting to pile up, I was having major second thoughts. Studying for final exams with a newborn was going to be a nightmare. At least if the baby was already here when I started my final year I’d be able to get childcare. It was okay for everyone else to be positive about it when they weren’t the ones that had to do it.
“You’ll be fine, Hol, you’ve aced every test and assignment so far. ”
“That’s because I have time to study. What am I going to do when I have a screaming baby needing my attention?”
“Don’t they sleep like sixteen hours a day at first?”
“Ha, where’d you read that? I’ll be up every few hours, exhausted and stressed. And that’s just from taking care of the baby.
This all seemed like a good idea a month ago, now the more I think about it the more I want to leave. ”
“Hey,” she said, grabbing my arm, bringing us both to a halt. “You can do this. Hell, you’d pass with flying colours right now. Stop stressing, you’ve got this. ”
I didn’t feel like I had it. Nothing was under my control any more, not even my own body.
“Yeah. Thanks, Yas,” I said. We started walking again, and she linked her arm through mine. “What’re you doing this weekend?”
She paused before answering.
“Out with the girls. Shame you can’t make it. ”
“Next weekend maybe. ”
“You’re here next weekend. Cool. Jasper coming?”
“He’s not said anything. Think I need a weekend with you guys anyway. I’ve barely had any girl time since I’ve been back. ”
I’d been home the last two weeks. Some girl time was definitely in order, and they’d make me relax and see things more clearly.
As soon as we got back to the flat, I started packing to make my way home and Yasmin hopped in the shower to start her night-out preparations. She went all out, glamorous make-up, nails, classy fake tan, natural-looking false eyelashes and killer dresses. If I was to do the same I would look ridiculous, but Yasmin always looked flawless. She was Jasper’s type, definitely.
“I’m heading out now,” I called as I pulled my small suitcase on wheels behind me.
She looked up from where she was painting her toe nails hot pink.
“Okay, babe. Safe trip back and I’ll see you Sunday night. ”
“You will. Have fun and be careful. ” I kissed her cheek and left the flat.
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When I arrived home Jasper’s car was in the drive. I made my way in, butterflies in my stomach as I made my way to see him.
“I’m home!” I shouted, closing the door behind me.
Mum came rushing out of the living room and gave me a bear hug.
“Hi, sweetheart. How are you and the little one?”
“We’re good. ” She pulled me in the living room and Jasper sat on the sofa next to Brad laughing about something. My heart skipped a beat at how beautiful he was. He looked up, and a smile slowly crept on his face.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jasper
“Uncle Jasper, can I feel Auntie Holly’s belly too?”
Auntie Holly?
“Um,” I said, taken aback by her new name for Holly. How could I tell her she’s not really her aunt?
Holly took Everleigh’s hand and placed it on her small stomach. She wasn’t freaking out about just been called aunt at all. I should be freaking out, but I wasn’t.
“Of course you can. Can you feel that? That’s the baby kicking. ”
I stared at Holly. Why wasn’t the idea of her being Everleigh’s aunt suffocating? Yes, we were having a child together, but that didn’t mean we had to be together.
I swallowed what felt like sand. Holly beamed down at my niece, and something inside me stirred. Holly. I liked Holly. A lot. The realisation hit me like a fucking freight train. How the hell could I have let that happen? I didn’t want to want anyone.
Everleigh squealed and pulled her hand away, and then put it back. “It feels funny!”
“Tell me about it,” Holly said.
“Where’s my granddaughter,” Mum said, bursting into the room with her arms full of presents. Miles followed behind her carrying a large pink gift bag and another three presents in the other hand.
“Mum, I told you not to spoil her,” Oakley scolded.
“Hey, I cut down a lot!” she replied. Everleigh turned around, and her eyes almost popped out of her head. She lit up and ran towards her nan, and I stood still, rooted to the floor.
I was falling in love with my baby’s mum.
“You okay?” Holly asked. “You look pale. ”
I’m finding it hard to breathe right now.
“Fine,” I replied. “Drink?”
Her forehead creased, probably concerned that I was finally having a breakdown.
“Sure. You really okay?”
She stepped closer, and I could smell her Charles Worthington shampoo. I only knew what it was because I checked the ingredients to make sure there was no funky stuff in there that could make the baby come out green or have five heads. It didn’t.
I stepped back, needing to put some distance between us before I did something stupid like kiss her.
“Orange juice?”
Turning around, I walked to the kitchen not waiting for a reply. I knew that was what she’d have. Idiot. I’m a massive idiot. My divorce wasn’t even close to being final and here I was falling in love with someone else.
“Hey, man,” Brad said, standing up straighter.
Well at least it wasn’t ‘hey, fucker’ anymore. “Hey,” I replied. “You alright?”
“Yep. You?”
“Yeah, just getting Holly a drink. ”
His lips thinned.
“Look, mate, can we get past this?”
“If I’d got Oakley pregnant?”
“Cole would killed you. ”
He sighed sharply. “You know what I mean. ”
“Alright. I get it; I’d be pissed too, but I didn’t do this on my own. ”
“I don’t care if she threw herself at you, you should’ve said no. I’ve never put much thought into my little sister having kids, but I assumed it’d be after she’s finished uni and with someone that she’s with. Not a one-night stand. ”
“Isn’t that what most of us want? Doesn’t always happen like that. Life’s not that perfect, mate. I can promise that she’ll never be alone in this. ”
I could stand there and tell him I was falling for her and that everything I wanted was within my reach, but I was scared that if I admitted it out loud I’d lose it. And I was scared that she didn’t want anything to happen between us.
“I need something stronger than this,” he said, holding up a cup of what must’ve been Coke.
“Me too, but it’s a four-year-old’s party. ”
He smiled. “Right. Better wait for the after party then. ”
“Am I forgiven?”
“I reserve the right to hold it over you if I want the last slice of pizza, first call on who to chat up or who’s paying for the last round. ”
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I held my hands up. “Deal. And if you’re a dick to me I can use the I’ve-slept-with-your-sister line to shut you up. ”
“I fucking hate you, Jasper,” he said, shaking his head and holding his hand out. I shook it, glad to have my friend back.
“You’ve made up,” Holly said from the doorway.
“Er, yeah. Suppose it could be worse, could’ve been a guy that did a runner. ”
Her jaw tightened. “I don’t sleep around, Brad, Jasper was my first. ”
I spun my body to face her. I’m her first?
Holly registered the shock in my eyes and added, “First one-night stand! Not my first first. ”
“First or only?” I asked.
She blushed scarlet. “Only. ”
Good.
I mentally calculated her sexual past. Her first boyfriend, Harry The Boring, and me. Only three.
Good.
“Can we talk about something, no, anything else?” Brad asked.
“Cocktail sausages,” Holly said, eyeing the two stacked bowls on the counter. And I was pretty sure I saw another plate in the dining room with the rest of the food too. When I asked Oakley to grab another bag because they were what Holly was craving I had no idea she’d go that crazy.
I still couldn’t even eat them after lobbing the full plate at the wall when I was arguing with Abby.
“What?” Brad asked, looking at Holly like she was crazy.
“Her craving,” I said. “Cocktail sausages dipped i
n chocolate milkshake. ”
Brad turned his nose up. “Holly, that’s disgusting!”
She held her hands up. “Hey, it’s not my fault. It’s what Jasper’s child wants. ”
The baby was my child whenever it made her hormones freak out, made her pee extra turned her ankles into ‘cankles’ or wanted weird things to eat. I was pretty sure it was going to be all mine when she was in labour too.
“I think this one is going to be just like his or her cousin,” she said.
Christ, two Everleighs!
I passed her one of the bowls. “Maybe not. Oakley didn’t like them when she was pregnant. Actually she didn’t really eat any meat because at the time she was absolutely not going to ‘eat any fucking defenceless animals’. ” I tried to imitate her voice, but even I knew I’d failed.
Holly laughed. “That’s probably for the best. Think I’m going to be sick of them by the time she’s here,” she replied, popping two in her mouth.
“Are you two together?” Brad asked out of nowhere.
“No,” I said.
“This is messed. ”
“It’s not. We’re happy. Right, Holly?”
She nodded.
“Yeah. Honestly, Brad, everything’s fine. This is working for us so please can you just be happy for us and excited to be an uncle?”
“Hey, I am. I just don’t know how you do the ‘best buds having a baby’ thing. ”
“Man, you should’ve just said. You’re still my bestest bud. ”
He stuck his middle finger up.
“You’re both adults so do what you want. Just can’t help thinking this is going to all go horribly wrong. ” He stopped and smirked as I put my arm around Holly. “Or horribly right. ”
I stuck my middle finger up.
Neither of us wanted that. We’d known each other five months and were already having a baby. There was no need to rush anything else. The more I thought about my future the more I saw Holly beside me but as much as I wanted her I still didn’t feel ready for a new relationship.
Holly bit her lip and looked away. There was something she wanted to say. “Hol, spit it out. ”
“Okay, this is no big deal but my aunt is getting married next Saturday, and she asked if I wanted a plus one. Fancy going with me? Free food and alcohol. ”
“Love to,” I replied. But not because of the free food and booze. The more time I spent with her the more I wanted. It was ridiculous and annoying and not only because she was carrying my child.