I said.
Ask what it is you want to know said Lijah.
The Gassers faces I said... they were clowns.
No said Lijah.
I saw them I said. I saw their faces.
They looked like George and Joey.
But they were not he said.
I shook my head.
To look like is not to be he said.
Gassers may look like clowns… but they are not.
They are Gassers. And they are his.
He prompted me with green eyes...
I didn’t know what he wanted me to say.
And clowns may look like Gassers he said…
But they are not... because they are Jumbo’s.
But what are they I said… what are the Gassers.
They are something that has chosen he said…
That has chosen not to change.
But change to what I said.
Change to what you know as clowns he said.
That is their chance… if they wish to take it.
Everything has a chance he said...
A chance to change or not.
But why do they want to kill them I said.
Why do the Gassers want to kill the clowns.
They do not he said.
But they gas them I said. I have seen it.
Gassing does not kill them he said…
Gassing turns them back.
But back to what I said.
Back to what they were before he said… back to Gassers.
Poor Jumbo I said.
Perhaps he said
To Change
We passed George and Joey’s birds nest.
There were now three Teddy Bear Children in it.
Their mother was feeding them.
They are changing said Lijah.
One day they will leave and she will watch them go.
Do you think she will know them should they return.
I said I didn’t know.
Everything must have its chance to change said Lijah.
Like the Gassers into clowns I said.
He studied me. Not only them he said.
I was tired. I wished that I was home.
You do not understand he said.
I’m tired I said. I understand.
The Gassers change to clowns...
No he said.
The Gassers have a chance to change.
All that is ever offered is a chance.
He looked at me and there was sadness in his eyes.
And it is always a choice he said... to choose to change or not.
I watched the mother feed her pointy faces…and thought of George and Joey.
I felt sad.
Where did George and Joey go I said.
They have gone away to grow he said.
Just like these baby birds will.
To grow and then return.
To return I said…
So I will see them again!
He looked at me as if deciding.
But will you know them he said.
Will you know them should they return.
Of course I will know them I said.
I’ll always know George and Joey.
But they will have changed he said.
But I’ll always know them I said
His eyes grew kind.
Even when they look like you…
Home
We left the mother and her chicks.
I wasn’t sure what to say.
Everything has a chance to change said Lijah.
Clowns spin... clowns change... and later clowns return.
But not as people I said.
No he said. Why not.
Because clowns aren’t people I said.
People aren’t clowns.
He said nothing.
We past a tree where we had rested.
The grass was flattened.
I saw a wooden spoon and picked it up.
It made me want to cry.
Will I see them again I said.
Perhaps he said.
But will I know them I said… will they know me.
Perhaps a part of you both will he said… and padded on.
I thought about the mother and her young...
Did anyone remember.
We crossed the field where the circus had been.
It seemed such a long time ago.
I could see my house.
Nana was watching from my open window.
I want to put the spoon beside my Dad’s tree I said.
We walked to it.
My Dad would have liked them I said.
Yes said Lijah.
My Nana began to call me.
I lay the spoon beside the tree…
And pushed my head against it.
And I told him I still loved him.
To Know
I must leave you now said Lijah…and nudged his head beneath my palm.
I clawed down into his warmth.
Everything has a chance and a choice to change he said.
Remember this.
Will I see you again I said.
Perhaps he said.
Will you have changed I said.
No he said.
I am the white wolf.
I am the Clown Wolf.
But you said everything changes I said.
Everything has a choice he said.
But the Gassers I said.
Their choice is to stay he said.
To stay and follow him.
He began to move away.
Wait I said.
The Gassers...
If clowns have changed from Gassers...
From those Gassers that chose to change.
And then clowns spin and change to…to people.
Then where do Gassers come from.
He looked through me.
They told you he said… don’t you remember.
I thought of the spinning circle…
Of George and Joey turning.
It made my head feel dizzy.
I thought of the gassing faces...
And of how they looked like clowns.
And in my head I heard their chanting.
Heard the chanting… and the screams.
Why did the Gassers not take you said Lijah.
Why do they only want the clowns.
I felt myself back inside the falling...
And heard their song again;
You will come...when the warm wind blows.
You will come...to us.
You will come...when the warm wind blows.
You will come...to us.
Because they do not need to I said.
I looked up…
And the white wolf was gone.
Birthday
Nana hugged me at the gate.
Welcome home my Little Man she said.
I went with the clowns I said and there was a white wolf and the gas was purple and Joey called them Pant Pants and their brother was the moon and the white wolf’s name was Lijah and Jumbo was their Dad but the shopkeeper was the Nail Maker but I didn’t know so I bought some cakes but shouldn’t have because Lijah said not to go but Jumbo knew and never said and then he put him in the wheelbarrow and I stood and never helped and…and… and I don’t want to be a Gasser Nana!
She scragged my head.
You won’t be she said simply.
She led me to the kitchen…
Shushing me still… as she settled me by the stove.
She bent and undid my shoes.
The state of you she said.
She washed her hands and took out the Marmite pot.
This and then a bath she said.
The stove was lovely and warm.
I watched as she made toast.
Bella stretched from her basket…
And came and rubbed her head and tail Hello.
She folded at my feet and I stroked her with my toes.
Loads has happened Nana I said.
Nana nodded with her back to me… as she buttered my burnt toast.
I breathed the smell in deep…
And looked around the kitchen…
At all the pots and pans.
At Nana’s spoons hanging from the beams.
Big and wooden.
Your spoons Nana I said… they’re like...
Hush now she said… and eat your toast.
I thought of the spoon beside Dad’s tree…
And felt the sadness pull.
Nana watched me.
A present came when you were gone she said.
I stroked at Bella and thought of Lijah’s fur.
I looked up and dropped my toast.
Nana smiled and I flew to him...
Hello Mate… said Dad.
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