“How can you send my baby into this dream-world and how will I ever see my baby again!?”
“Girl, this is gonna be tough, I never said it’d be easy. If you want your baby to live, that is what we will have to do. Leave the “how” of it to me. You’d better make your peace with it. At least your baby will live, if all goes well.”
That said, Johannes blows out the candle. Hot tears roll silently down Katriena’s cheeks. She hadn’t known what to expect, had in fact just prayed that Johannes could help her but she hadn’t thought that her baby, her only family, would have to be sent away forever.
Isn’t this just as bad as having the baby removed from my body? I will still never know my baby, if Johannes can actually do this. How will I know if it is okay? Will it even survive the trip to wherever?...and what about me, what happens to me, after? These thoughts keep running through Katriena’s mind in endless circles, until she finally falls asleep in the early morning hours, all questions still unanswered.
Her nose tells her she has left her own world behind again. This time she feels quite calm. She opens her eyes and looks around. The first thing she sees is the blue- gray rock right in front of her, her right hand lightly touching tithe air smells slightly better too. She looks up into the clear blue sky, then tries to see to the top of the rock face but is unable to. It seems to just go up and up, all the way to wear it joins the sky. She can see a bit more when she moves back. Somehow she knows this big rock is called “Table Mountain”. She doesn’t know how she knows this but she is sure that is what it’s called nonetheless.
Katriena backs up slowly, trying to see more of this beautiful sight but finds herself brought up short by something at her back. She turns around and finds that she can see the inside of some sort of building. The scullery, no kitchen, gleams clean white and shiny metal at her. Although she can see through the whole one wall, Katriena is brought up short when she tries to step into the room. It’s a big glass door. Open the door. She pulls the little handle and the door slides open noiselessly.
She walks around the room slowly, trying to take everything in. Stove – which is what you cook on here, electric kettle – for boiling water, toaster – for bread and a funny metal box for your dirty clothes? She doesn’t know where the knowledge is coming from but she walks around the kitchen slowly, touching and trying to pronounce the name of each new item. Becoming bold now, she starts opening and closing the cupboards, delighting in all the different items and that she somehow knows what all of them are. She pulls open the smaller cupboards – drawers – and tries to identify the shiny metal objects in them.
A sudden sharp pain in her abdomen makes her bite on her teeth to keep from screaming and for a moment Katriena feels as if she is going to fall over. Keeping her eyes shut, she waits for the feeling to pass. For a moment Katriena feels a curious sucking sensation in her mind and then she is suddenly aware that she can smell wood smoke again. She cautiously opens her eyes and even though she was intrigued and amazed by all she has seen in the dream, she is happy to be back in the familiar shack. Katriena opens her right hand, now empty where moments before there was one of the metal items – spatula’s – from that other kitchen in the “there”.
The first thing Katriena hears when she opens her eyes, is heavy, deep breathing quite unlike Johannes’s rattling snores. Back in the “there”. Heart beating very fast, she turns around cautiously. She is lying on an incredibly comfortable bedroll, covered with a soft cloth- blanket. In the pre-dawn light, Katriena takes a moment to look at the unfamiliar profile of the man sleeping next to her. Katriena gets up slowly, careful not to disturb the sleeping form next to her. Softly opening the big cupboards, she looks at all the colourful garments and decides that she was going to enjoy the dream this time.
Katriena takes out items of clothing systematically, knowing exactly what to take and not wondering about where this knowledge comes from anymore. She wonders how and where to find a well in this place to refresh herself. Take a shower. Yes, she is going to shower. She opens the door in front of her and looks around at the strange room. First things first, though. She needs to relieve the pressure on her bladder. As Katriena goes through the motions automatically, she is amazed again at how completely different everything is.
A bathroom that’s what it’s called, with water, warm water, that comes out when you turn a handle and it’s inside the house too. Smiling, Katriena thinks that she is starting to really like the “there”. She cannot wait to find out what Ice Cream is. This is going to be a great dream, there’s so much she wants to find out.
Chapter 7
Marie is still too shocked to be amazed at Brian’s presence in her employer’s kitchen. She doesn’t know how long she has been sitting on the chair in the kitchen, trying to make sense of what she now knows to be true. She is vaguely aware of Elize talking on the phone, Brian and ‘Netta standing off to the side with identical puzzled expressions on their faces. She automatically gets up when Brian brings her coat and slips it on without a thought.
She follows them out to Elize’s car, barely feeling ‘Netta’s peck on her cheek and sits quietly locked within her own thoughts throughout the whole trip. As Elize’s car pulls into the Hospital parking area, Marie realizes where she is. Fear settles like a stone in her stomach. Why did they bring her here, there’s nothing wrong with her. Even her backache is better now. Without moving, Marie watches as Elize gets out and comes around the car to open the door for her, while Brian struggles to unlock his seatbelt.
“Marie? Come on, get out now, dear. We have to get you inside, they’re waiting for you.”
“But why? I’m not sick, Elize. I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow, really. Maybe I just need a good night’s rest. Tell her Brian!” Marie looks pleadingly at Brian. Instead of answering, Brian nudges Elize aside and leans into the car. “Marie, it’s okay. We’re just worried about you. The doctors are just going to try and help you. Come with me now, my Lily.”
My Lily. Brian has not called her that in years. Marie realizes that in his distress, Brian is quite unaware that he had even called her that. Marie gets out and reluctantly follows Elize, with Brian bringing up the rear. “Elize, is this really necessary? The nurse told me that forgetfulness is quite common as people get older. Please, Elize..... please don’t let them keep me here. ”Marie has to fight down the urge to turn and run, the closer they get to the entrance. As if aware of this, Elize puts a comforting arm around Marie’s shoulders and leads her into the hospital and to the front desk.
“Good Morning. We are here to see Dr. Fouche. I am Mrs. Whitlock and this is Marie Adams and her husband Brian. I spoke to him about 15 minutes ago over the telephone.”
“Yes Ma’am. He is expecting you. If you will just have a seat, I will page him for you.”
Marie looks at the sickly green wall, thinking how much she hates the ammonia smell that seems to permeate hospitals .It seems to have seeped into the pores of the buildings themselves over the years. Brian had signed the admission documents, patted her hand and given her an awkward kiss that mostly missed her mouth, before leaving with Elize. Leaving her here, abandoning her to her lot. The wet patch on Marie’s pillow is still spreading as the sedative starts to work and her eyes close.
Chapter 8
Marie silently endures countless tests, prodding and poking over the next few days. She is being wheeled to and fro endlessly, from one room to the next. Medical personnel come and go until their faces are all just one big blur to Marie. Through it all, Marie concentrates on only one thought.
Nobody must ever find out about Katriena, her other. They will most definitely lock her up then……and throw the key in the toilet and flush it. Marie had at first been getting just little snatches of thought, completely unlike her own. As she had lain in her hospital bed, now also mostly convinced that she is losing her mind, the thoughts had been coming more frequently until she decided to think back at this other.
At first there was
just complete nothingness and she chalked this up to just another symptom of her developing psychosis. Then she had gotten the name Katriena. Like a bright neon sign in her mind’s eye. Katriena? Gently prodding. Are you there?
I am here, where are you? Who are you? I can’t see you. Are you from the there?
My name is Marie and you can’t see me because you are in my head. Marie is tickled to find herself explaining this to herself.
No, no, you must be in my head. I am in my own head, in my own body, here in Johannes’s house. I can still feel my little one moving. Marie has no idea what the other is babbling about but she can “hear” the confusion and the voice does “sound” completely different to hers. Even the inflections and dialect seem different. Marie, who has never thought of herself as particularly creative, muses on how inventive her mind seems to be now, in the midst of her madness. She decides to see just how far gone she is, by trying to find out just how intricate a story her subconscious has weaved.
“Marie, I am so glad that you are okay. We were so worried. Don’t even think about coming back to work for the next two weeks.” Elize hands Marie her bag from the trunk of the car.
“Thank you for everything, Elize. I don’t need two weeks, I’m fine.” Opening her car door, Elize turns to look at Marie.
“Are you sure you’re fine Marie? Brian says that he had the hardest time convincing Denver not to fly home to be with his mom. Are things okay between you and Brian, though?”
Marie sighs. “Things are as they have been for a very long time, Elize”
“He was very worried about you, Marie.”
“I know, Elize, but I’m fine now. Really.”
“Well, I’m off. Let me know how you are, Marie. “With a quick hug, Elize is gone. Marie watches her drive away, then turns and starts to climb the stairs to her door. Marie finds her husband Brian, Meimoena, Imam Majiet and even Leonetta waiting in her sitting room, as she enters her place. For a moment conversation stops; then everybody starts speaking at the same time.
“Are you okay, Marie?”… “We were so worried about you.”….”I’ll take your bag.”
“Stop, everyone! I’m fine, really”, Marie says with a laugh. “I’m glad to see that I was missed, though” she says as she sits down.
“How about puttin’ the kettle on,‘Netta?” Brian says in his usual grumble, as he takes Marie’s suitcase to the bedroom.
“He was really worried about you, Marie”, Meimoena whispers as she inclines her head towards the doorway Brian just went through. “It’s the most I’ve ever heard the man speak in all the years we have been neighbours.”
Leonetta comes back from the kitchen and sits herself down on the armrest of Marie’s chair. “Are you really okay, though? My nightmares haven’t stopped. They just keep getting stranger and stranger and I’m convinced they’re connected to what’s happened to you. The Imam thinks so too.”
Leonetta inclines her head questioningly at Imam Majiet, who up to now has been the only quiet person in the room. He nods thoughtfully. Marie feels slightly annoyed that she had been discussed in her absence but knows that it’s only because they care about her.
While they are all having tea, Marie does her best to appear relaxed and to put everybody’s fears to rest. She is surprised at how comfortable Brian seems, given the fact that they never have company over, except of course, Leonetta, who occasionally drops by. After a while everybody makes their excuses, the Imam promising to look in on Marie again soon.
After assuring Brian once again that she is fine, Marie goes to the bedroom to unpack her suitcase and then lie down for a bit. She waits for the sound of the television being switched on, before sinking onto the bed with a deep sigh, rubbing her back all the while. The pain is excruciating and having to pretend that she’s fine, seems to have made it ten times worse. Marie tentatively touches her stomach, the suitcase temporarily forgotten. It is not her imagination, her stomach is definitely bigger.
Chapter 9
Marie has no explanation for what is happening to her and, truth be told, she prefers to not analyze it too much. She is not scared anymore and she feels pretty normal for a crazy person. Marie goes about her everyday life pretty much as normal.
She cooks, she cleans, she chats to her neighbours and assures everybody that she is really all better now…..and she talks to Katriena when her husband’s at work and she is all alone. She is intrigued by the plight of her “other”. Katriena has explained the situation as best she can and from what Marie knows about the country’s history, she thinks that she has a pretty good idea of the situation.
Marie is still amazed at the intricate life her subconscious has weaved for this “other” but dismisses it as a result of her dreary life and a subconscious need for escape. What harm can it do anyway? Marie had just switched the stove off, when Brian knocks on the door. He brushes Marie’s cheek with his mouth in a perfunctory greeting and moves to take his lunchbox to the kitchen. At the door into the kitchen, Brian stops and looks at the lunchbox in his hands for a beat and then looks back at Marie.
“You haven’t been going to the prayer meetings, Marie….. Uhm, are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine, Brian. I just didn’t feel up to answering everyone’s questions. You know that by this time the whole congregation knows that I was admitted to the Psych Ward.”
“Uhm, okay. Meimoena says Imam Majiet will come see you soon.” That was the extent of the conversation but Marie notices Brian glancing at her intermittently all through their evening meal. Marie is relieved when she can finally excuse herself and move to her bedroom with a magazine. Concentrating is hard though, as her back aches so much worse tonight. After taking two of her prescribed parasetamol tablets, Marie finally drifts off to sleep.
Katriena almost gags at the disgusting rawhide of Johannes’ waistband in her mouth. She can feel her teeth sinking deeper into it, every time a new spasm rocks her body. Through the pain she wonders what would happen if she bites through it and a piece slips down into her throat. Katriena woke up in the middle of the night, biting down on a scream as excruciating pain coursed through her body.
She had awakened Johannes, who gave her more of his herbal medicines and ran to fetch little Anna to help him.
“The baby is almost here. Be strong now, girl. We have to do this right.”
As Anna is fetching boiled water and clean rags, as per Johannes’ instructions, Johannes himself is busy measuring ingredients and mixing some atrocious smelling brew in a huge metal jug. Johannes gave her the waistband to bite on to prevent her from screaming and waking the other slaves. He now removes the tattered band and lifts Katriena’s head so she can drink from the jug. Katriena nearly chokes when the ripe smell assaults her nostrils.
“You have to drink this all up, girl! Quickly now!” As Katriena swallows the last dregs in the jug, Marie stares into the dark unbeaten countenance of Johannes.
“Breathe girl! In through your nose and out through your mouth! You must breathe with the pain!”
I’ve done this before you old fool, Marie thinks deliriously through the pain. Marie closes her eyes and when next she opens them, she is in her own bedroom but the pain is still there. Brian’s space on the bed next to her is empty, Thank God. As Marie glances at the digital clock on the nightstand, she sees that it has just gone 7.30 am. Brian would have left an hour ago already. The contractions are now coming closer together and Marie/Katriena can actually feel the downward movement in her abdomen.
“Be strong, girl. Push now!” Katriena is crushing Anna’s hand, as she tries to follow Johannes’ instructions. “Breathe! Breathe! Okay, one more really hard push!” Katriena/Marie heaves one final time and then the weight in her abdomen is expelled.
“My baby, where’s the baby?!.” Katriena’s voice now seems to come to Marie from very, very far away. Marie looks down her body and is completely dumbstruck. For a moment she doesn’t know what to do and can’t think of anything either. She stare
s at the bloodied bundle, still attached to her by the umbilical cord, lying on her ordinary blue comforter. Then the bundle moves slightly and Marie pushes all attempts at thought aside.
She reaches down and clears the goo off the tiny face, clearing the nose, mouth and eyes with her hand. Marie sees that she’s holding a perfectly formed little girl. Feeling in her bedside drawer, she locates her sewing kit. She uses cotton thread to tie off the umbilical cord and then cuts it off. Marie tentatively moves the baby to her left breast, not even sure if she is lactating but deciding that she might as well try.
As the baby suckles peacefully, Marie massages her stomach as she has seen it done on television, trying to bring down the placenta. All this time, Marie has been trying very hard not to think of the implications of what just happened. What did just happen? She, Marie Adams, a 47 year old woman (past menstruation), had just given birth to her other personality’s perfect baby girl. Utterly beyond comprehension!
Marie looks at the bedside clock again. 9.45 am. She gets up carefully, lays the baby gently on the bed and gets a clean towel from her closet. She swaddles the baby in the towel and removes her stained bedding with one hand. After cleaning herself and the baby up a bit, Marie bundles the soiled bedding in a black garbage bag. Then she systematically goes through her handbag: Identity document, bank debit card, cellular phone. Marie peeks out the door but Meimoena is nowhere to be seen. Good.
Dear Brian,
I’m sorry to leave you like this but I cannot do this anymore. I know you loved me once and I did love you too.
Please don’t look for me. I will call you as soon as I am settled. I will miss you.
Marie
Marie smiles down at the little bundle wrapped in her new pink fluffy blanket, as they boards the Translux bus to their new life.
The End
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