At his words I instantly could see our future if we did try to make this work. I could see me pussyfooting around him, trying to stay on my best behavior in fear that I’d do something wrong and lose him.
No matter how much I wanted him, I couldn’t live like that.
That wasn’t what a relationship was supposed to be like.
Right?
“I need you to believe in me,” I said. “I need you to believe that I’m in love with you. I need to know that you trust me with you and Abby. And I need to know that on the days that I’m finding all of it hard, on the days when my chest gets tight, and I can’t breathe for fear of losing you, that you’ll be there. That it won’t send you running. Because if you run, I’ll run. I’m not perfect, Braden, and I have a lot of wounds. That means I need a man who’ll fight with me, especially on the days I’m scared to fight.”
I waited as what I said penetrated.
Undiluted pain and frustration darkened his expression.
Maybe it should’ve made me feel better to know this was so difficult for him.
But it didn’t. Especially when the next words out of his mouth were, “Fuck, Jocelyn … I wish we’d met years ago.”
I felt like I was standing there with my chest ripped open, waiting for my insides to fall out.
So, this was love unrequited, huh?
In truth it’s difficult to describe a broken heart. That unimaginable pain centers in your chest and radiates out, this throbbing, sharp ache that causes almost incapacitation. But there’s more than the ache. Denial lodges itself in your throat, and that lump is its own kind of pain. Then there’s the knot in your stomach. The knot contracts and expands, contracts and expands, until you’re pretty sure you’re not going to be able to hold down the vomit.
I somehow managed to hold on to at least that much of my dignity.
And I left the hotel without another word.
That night as I lay in bed realizing that my actions had caused me to lose Braden, I made a decision I should’ve made a long time ago.
I was going back home to Virginia to say goodbye to my family.
It was time, finally, to put the past to rest in the hopes that I could find peace in my future, and maybe find a man who would fight to love me like I was determined I’d fight to love from now on.
The Goodbye
“You’re going to Virginia?” Ellie’s voice was almost shrill down the phone line.
I sat in the airline lounge at the airport and smiled at the concern in her voice. “This is a good thing, Els. And I’ve got you to thank for it.”
“Me?” she squeaked.
“You got me talking about my family again. It made me realize that it’s time to say goodbye to them finally. I can’t do that here. They’re buried back in Virginia. Plus, I have all of their stuff in storage. It’s time to deal with that, too.”
“Joss …” Ellie sighed heavily, causing blowback on the phone. “I think this is such a good thing but you are intending to come back, right?”
I wasn’t sure. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t know. I’m going out there and we’ll just see what happens.”
“You can’t move back to America, Joss. What about us?”
I grinned. “We can still be friends, Els.”
“Not us! Us. This family.”
Realizing exactly what she meant, I was silent a moment. The day after the party, I’d booked the first flight out to Richmond. It was for Monday morning. All day Sunday I’d ignored Ellie’s calls, not wanting to discuss it with her until it was too late.
The pain that ripped open inside of me at the party had stayed with me since.
“Braden made it clear that nothing is going to happen between us.”
“Did you tell him you want to be serious with him?”
“I told him I loved him.”
For once Ellie was quiet. And then she sounded tearful. “You told him you love him?”
“Yes.”
“And he didn’t say it back?”
“Nope.”
“I’m going to kill him!”
I smiled sadly. “Please don’t.”
“Joss, what else did he say? I can’t believe for one minute Braden wouldn’t be over the moon that you’re in love with him.”
Exhausted by the conversation already, I needed to find a way to finish it. “He doesn’t trust me. He’s messed up about what’s going on with Abby and Kiersten and he’s putting Abby first. I get it. I really do. But right now, I’m messed up too, and I need someone who is going to believe in me and help me through this. Braden’s never going to give me that. I fell in love with the wrong man and that’s it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“But did you tell him about what you’ve been through? Did you tell him about your family?”
“I assumed you had.”
“I didn’t! My God, Joss, you have to tell him!”
I pulled my phone way from my ear. “Jesus, Els.”
“Sorry. But you have to tell him everything.”
Getting irritated now, I snapped, “No. I don’t. It’s over, Ellie. Let it go or I’m hanging up.”
She made a huff of annoyance and I thought perhaps she might hang up. Then she said, “You’ll tell me when you arrive safe in Richmond?”
Relieved, I slumped in my chair. “Yes. I’ll keep you updated.”
“Good. And Joss?”
“Yeah?”
“When you’re over there making your decision about staying or not … remember that you have someone back here who really cares about you. I care about you. You’ve become my best friend these last few months.”
My nose burned as tears welled in my eyes and I turned away from the rest of the room so no one would see me swipe at them. “I care about you too, Ellie,” I said shakily.
“Of course you do.” She laughed, sounding just as tearful. “I’m very loveable, you know.”
She was.
She really was.
And if I did decide to start over in Virginia, I’d miss her like hell.
***
Richmond, Virginia
Two days later
I stood frozen outside of the cemetery. It had taken me this long to force myself out of the hotel room and into the car the hotel had provided for me.
The driver was parked down the road behind me, probably sitting there, watching me and thinking I was a complete lunatic.
I’d been standing at the entrance for fifteen minutes.
My fear came from all sorts of places. It wasn’t only the fear of finally coming to terms with the fact that I’d lost my family. It was the fear of what they must think of me. I didn’t know if there was something after death, if their energy was still around here, or if they were up in heaven watching over me. But if it was true, if there was still some part of them that could see me, what must they think?
I’d pretended they didn’t exist for years.
I’d buried my head in the sand and shut out everyone who might have loved me.
There was nothing for them to be proud of.
Then make them proud of you for a change, and walk your ass into this cemetery.
The sound of a car slowly approaching made me tense. I flicked a look over my shoulder and noted a similar black car to the one I’d arrived in pull up in front of mine. Not wanting to be seen staring, I looked back at the entrance and tried to lift my foot forward. Instead the sound of a car door slamming made me flinch.
I glanced over at the new arrival … and I felt the world blur around the edges of my vision.
It couldn’t be …
What the hell was he doing here?
“Braden?”
He strode toward me, grim determination on his face
, wearing a black suit that as always fitted him to perfection. As he grew closer, I noted a slight darkness under his eyes and a weary strain on his face.
“What the hell?” I said.
His answer was to walk right up to me, cup my face in his hands, and kiss the hell out of me. I grabbed on to his arms because if I didn’t, I was going to topple over in shock.
When he finally let me up for air, he pressed his forehead to mine and refused to let me go. “Jocelyn,” he whispered hoarsely.
As wonderful as it was to be touching him, to have him touching me, I was still confused. “What are you doing here?”
He pulled back, dropping his hands, only to clasp one of my hands in his. “Ellie told me about your family.” And that’s when I noticed the anger in his eyes. “Fuck, Jocelyn, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I told you I had issues,” I argued, and then huffed when I remembered where we were. “I don’t want to fight here of all places.”
His hand tightened in mine. “Do you really think I got on the first fucking plane to Richmond to fight with you?”
“Why are you here?”
“Because,” he bent his head toward mine so I had nowhere else to look but into his eyes, “I fucked up. I let what’s happened to me in the past make me forget who I am.”
“And who are you?”
Braden tugged me into him and I rested my trembling hands on his chest. I felt the pounding beat of his heart beneath my palm. “I’m the kind of man who fights for what he wants. And I want you, babe. I love you. You’re mine. I know that deep in my very bones. Fuck, Jocelyn, if I let you go, I’d regret it my whole life, and what kind of lesson is that for my kid, eh?” He gripped my waist so tight it was almost bruising. “I will do anything to make this up to you. Anything. Because the idea that I hurt you, that I left you to go through this shit alone rips me upside. Jesus, babe, I never knew it could feel like this.”
His words made me breathless and all I could see, hear, and feel was his passion. It took me a moment to see his fear, too.
He thought I’d turn him away.
“Braden …” I laughed softly. “You got on a goddamn plane to Virginia. As far as grand gestures go, that works for me.”
He laughed and then he was kissing me in a way that was entirely inappropriate considering our surroundings.
I broke away reluctantly and rested my forehead on his chest. “I couldn’t make myself go in to see them.”
At the gentle touch of his fingers on my chin, I lifted my head.
Fierce love and support shone out of him. “That’s why I’m here. We’ll go in together, and if you’re up for it, you can tell me everything.”
That’s how I found myself standing at my family’s graveside on a cool Wednesday afternoon, crying softly as I told Braden about how they died. Once I was done, I knelt and I sobbed my apologies to my parents.
It hurt so badly, I wanted to die.
But then Braden was there, holding me through it, and I could breathe again. The pain was as agonizing as it had been the day I buried them, but I let it wash over me, knowing that I’d get through it.
***
That night Braden made love to me.
And I let him.
As he looked into my eyes while he moved inside of me, I knew he could see right into my soul. Although it still made me a little breathless, I didn’t panic. He could see who I was and he still wanted to be with me.
Afterward, I lay in his arms and talked about my family. I told him about the passionate relationship between my mom and dad, about my adoration for my little sister Beth.
And I told him about my best friend Dru who drowned when we were sixteen after a fight we’d had over a boy.
I wanted him to have it all.
I wanted him to know why it was so hard for me to let someone close.
“I’m terrified of losing you,” I’d whispered.
“Well, rest easy, babe, because I’m going to do my damnedest to make sure that’s something you never have to worry about.”
As the night drifted onward, Braden gave me more of him, too. He told me a lot about his father, his mother, a tragic incident with an old girlfriend, all the things that made him tick and made him who he was. We ended on Abby. He told me all about what was going on in her young life, about her favorite color, her love of books, how she’d written a short story … how much he knew she’d love me. He apologized for holding her up as a barrier between us, but I told him that was the one part of our separation that I understood. It hadn’t been easy for me but I understood.
I promised I would never hurt them.
He promised me he would trust me.
The sun was peeking through the hotel curtains when we finally drifted off to sleep.
When I awoke that afternoon, we were still in each other’s arms.
It was the first time I’d ever slept with someone.
The thought made me breathless. I felt the ominous prickle on my skin but I gripped on tighter to Braden and fought down the panic attack.
I breathed in and out, slowly, surely.
And when I was through it, I felt the sweet touch of his lips on my shoulder.
The Review
I stood, feeling weirdly nervous, as I watched Braden read the final page of my manuscript.
He reached the end and placed it on my desk, staring at it.
Not saying anything.
Finally, I lost my patience. “Well?”
“Fuck.” He startled, turning to look at me. “When did you come back?”
“Five minutes ago.” I strode toward him. “Well? What did you think?”
He frowned up at me. “It was well-written like everything you write.”
Irritated, I sighed. “That’s not what I was asking.”
Braden stood up from the chair and walked past me toward the door. “Well, that’s what I thought.”
Not liking his evasiveness one bit, that little knot tightened in my stomach, the one I used to get when I stupidly read one-star reviews of my books. “You didn’t like it.”
My husband turned back to me. “I don’t want to argue with you.”
“Oh well, then, yeah, that means you loved it.”
He narrowed his eyes at my sarcasm. “Jocelyn.”
“Just tell me. Christ, Braden, you had no problem telling me my mac and cheese sucks.”
And that’s when I noticed the spark of something in his eyes, the spark he was trying to hide.
He was pissed.
“Are you upset?” I said, incredulous.
That was all he needed to let me have it. “How the fuck else am I supposed to feel?”
I flinched at his yell. “What the hell?”
But instead of answering, he slammed out of my office.
No. No way!
I slammed out after him, chasing him as he lunged much faster than I could with my shorter legs upstairs. “The least you can do is explain why you’re so mad?”
“I think that would be obvious.”
“Are you and Dad fighting?” Beth popped her head out of her room.
“Go downstairs and sit with your brother.”
For once, my kid didn’t argue with me. Braden and I rarely fought but when we did, it could get explosive. As Beth hurried downstairs, not looking at all worried that her parents were mad at each other, I hurried up to the third floor.
I barged into my bedroom and found Braden waiting for me, arms crossed over his chest, face dark.
“I’m confused!” I threw my hands up. Of all the reactions to this novella I was expecting, a tantrum wasn’t one of them.
“Confused?” he practically growled. “What’s so confusing about the fact that you rewrote our love story and I find that apparently you don’t fucking know me at all?”
“Okay, less of the F-bombs,” I said in my mom voice.
“The kids can’t hear us. That’s why I came up here so that when I murder you, they can’t testify in court.”
I smirked because that was funny. “Braden, seriously, it’s a story. Your reaction is irrational.”
“Maybe it is,” he agreed, “but Jesus, Jocelyn, in what reality would I ever not choose you?”
“But it’s just a story! And you did choose me. You flew to Virginia in it for me.” I hurried toward him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “Baby, the point of the story was that no matter what I really believe, we were meant to be together. And you know better than anyone that circumstances change a person. We aren’t the same people we were when we met. If we met now, things wouldn’t play out the same way they did then.”
“I would never stand there while you told me you loved me and not say it back.”
“Why are you so upset about this?”
“Because.” He cupped my face, bringing his lips close to mine. “I thought you knew that I love you beyond reason.”
I melted into him. “You big romantic idiot. I do know that. But I also know that you love your kids beyond sanity.”
He nodded. “True, but—”
“Pretend for a second that Beth isn’t mine, just yours.”
“That’s hard to do considering she’s your clone.”
I laughed. “Yes, but try. Beth is yours and … Holly’s.”
“Who the hell is Holly?”
Amusement flooded me and my body shook against his. “Your ex-girlfriend.”
“Really?”
“You were dating her when we met. You dumped her to get into my pants.”
“I did?”
“Yes. You did. Anyway, we’ve never met, Beth is your kid, Holly is a mess, and you meet me. Think about how you feel about Beth. Wouldn’t you do anything to protect her?”
I knew when he stopped being pissed because he relaxed into me. “I get it. A little.” He kissed me softly. “But that doesn’t mean I like your story.”