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The mischievous smile Nick responded with only made Kelly want to squirm. Goddamn, why had he never noticed how sexy Nick was when he grinned like that?
Nick licked his lips to wipe the smirk away and looked down at his hands. “So, you’re wondering why. ”
“Yes. ”
“Does it matter?” Nick asked neutrally.
Kelly held his breath, considering. “Yes?”
“Okay. ”
Kelly smiled. Of course Nick would just accept it and proceed to try to find a solution. That was the way Nick was. That was the way they both were, to an extent, which often led to a distinct absence of gnashing of teeth and wailing between them when problems arose.
Nick gripped the railing with both hands. “Part of the excitement of attraction is knowing it’s reciprocated, right?”
Kelly nodded. “We found out last night that we, um . . . ”
“Reciprocate,” Nick provided. They both grinned, meeting each other’s eyes. The warmth and excitement of new attraction were bolstered by years of history. Years of camaraderie. Years of comfort. It was something entirely new, and it was something that just felt right.
Kelly inhaled sharply as the realization hit him. “This would be so easy. ”
Nick bit his lip, not responding. Instead he reached out and ran his fingers over Kelly’s wrist.
“God, O, this would be so easy,” Kelly said more emphatically. He moved carefully and leaned on the railing beside Nick. “You and me? Just . . . can you imagine?”
Nick gave that a low whistle and nodded. He raised his head, the smile gone. “I can imagine. I’m trying not to, though. ”
“Why?”
“A few weeks ago you almost died,” Nick said, his voice gone rough. “Your view of the world has shifted. ”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’ve almost died a couple times, Kels. I remember what it’s like to . . . to realize you’re still here when you shouldn’t be. ”
Kelly swallowed hard and nodded. He remembered the weeks of desperate searching when Ty and Nick had gone missing. He remembered how it had felt, trying to accept that they were gone and he’d never been able to say good-bye, to tell them what they both meant to him. He’d written letters to their families. They’d never been mailed, thank God, but he’d still sobbed while writing them.
He remembered the day he’d seen a transport truck roll into camp with Ty and Nick laid out in the back, thinking they were dead. He and Owen had climbed into that truck faster than the lieutenant had been able to order them away. Kelly’d found the pulse at Nick’s neck and wanted to throw up with relief.
His stomach lurched and he turned his hand over to grasp Nick’s fingers. Nick squeezed Kelly’s hand as if he knew what he was thinking, what he was recalling.
“Before last night, you’d never even considered kissing another man, much less whatever’s in your head now,” Nick continued.
“That’s not entirely true. I’d thought about it. Just never seriously. Or while sober. ”
“Still. You’re in uncharted territory. It would be easy. Us. ”
Kelly looked up.
“Just sex is one thing. I think we could manage that and not lose each other. But talking about anything else right now would be . . . ”
“Crazy?” Kelly asked.
Nick smiled.
“You’re right. ”
“I know,” Nick said with a grin.
Kelly barked a laugh. “Shut up. Hear me out, though. Okay?”
Nick picked up Kelly’s hand and held it, his fingers playing with Kelly’s. He nodded.
Kelly tore his eyes away from their hands to examine Nick’s profile. “We know each other better already than we could ever hope to know anyone else. Our pasts, our hopes and fears, all our secrets. We’ve already shared all that. We know we’re compatible. Hell, we even know we can live together. ”
“That’s debatable,” Nick mumbled. He gave Kelly a sly grin.
“Shut up. At least you already know all my bad habits, right?”
“Like licking the germs off a spoon and putting it back in the drawer?”
“I only did that once,” Kelly mumbled. “But you know I love M&M’s in my pancakes. I know you eat French fries with ranch instead of ketchup and that you steal the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms when you think no one’s looking. ”
Nick began to laugh.
“You know I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, and I know you used to go behind me with one of those tube squeezers every morning and fix it so no one else would get mad at me. And I know you wake up in the middle of the night sometimes so terrified you don’t even recognize your own name. And I know the only people you’ll let spend the night in bed with you are people you know can fight you off if you try to hurt them. ”
Nick’s eyes had gone wider, and he fought to swallow as Kelly spoke. He looked vulnerable, something Nick rarely seemed, and Kelly wanted to wrap him in a hug.
“Sometimes I wake up screaming too,” Kelly whispered. “But I never have when I was sharing a bed with you. And after last night we know there’s a whole lot to work with below the belt, you know what I mean?”
Nick nodded and looked down, smiling. Kelly reached for him, grabbing his chin and forcing him to meet his eyes to make sure Nick heard him.
“This could work out pretty nice for both of us, Nicko. I’ve never been with anyone where it was so easy so fast. Where it felt like home. But you’ve always been home to me. ”
Nick’s eyes caught the sunlight and almost made Kelly forget what he’d been saying.
“Kelly,” Nick tried. His voice faltered, and he had to stop to swallow.
“I’ve already got more with you than I’ve ever had anywhere,” Kelly said in a rush, trying to beat Nick to whatever he’d been about to say. He took a deep breath to calm himself. “And after last night?”
“It would be easy. ” Nick sighed and ran his thumb along Kelly’s knuckles.
Kelly dropped his hand away from Nick’s chin. “But you’re still going to say no, aren’t you?”
“I will never say no to you,” Nick said, his voice soft.
“Is it this guy you’re not dating?”
“Aidan,” Nick provided, trying not to laugh. “We’re not dating, but not for lack of trying. ”
Jealousy spiked so quickly that Kelly barely recognized the feeling. “I don’t understand what that means. ”
“He’s a fireman. Our first date, a warehouse caught fire,” Nick explained. “He left me at the fire station. Do you have any idea the rivalry between cops and firefighters in Boston? I’m surprised I didn’t end up duct-taped to the fire pole or something. ”
Kelly began to laugh, biting his lip to stop himself.
“The second first date, there was a triple homicide and I had to leave him sitting in my squad car for two hours. He got into the back to take a nap, and didn’t realize the doors would lock behind him. ”
Kelly began to laugh despite how much he hated the idea of Nick dating anyone. Nick chuckled softly, shaking his head.
“We decided that ‘dates’ weren’t good for the city after that, so we didn’t try again. ”
“So you’re basically fuck buddies. ”
Nick shrugged noncommittally, glancing away.
“So why are you saying no to me?”
Nick sighed loudly. “What I’m saying right now is wait. ”
Kelly’s shoulders slumped. The disappointment was sharper than he’d expected. “Wait?”
“Wait. Until you’re better. Until all of this isn’t shiny and new. Until life feels normal for you again. ”
Kelly made a disgusted sound. “What’s normal anyway?”
Nick chuckled. “I wouldn’t be any kind of friend if I let you make decisions with a bottle of painkillers and a fresh bullet hole in your back. ”
r /> The disappointment spiked, but Kelly should have known Nick would be reasonable and levelheaded. Nick was the first person willing to jump, but he’d also be the one making sure you had your parachute on. “What about you?” Kelly asked, his voice hoarse.
“What about me?”
“What will you do while I’m getting better and rubbing the shine off things?”
Nick smiled crookedly. “Hopefully I’ll be getting rubbed a little too. ”
They both laughed, not looking away from each other. Kelly liked how bold Nick was; it was completely at odds with his nonchalant attitude. He’d seen Nick in action, of course, but he’d never been the target. He understood the attraction now. Completely understood.
He moved impulsively, grabbing for Nick’s shirtfront and pulling him into a kiss. Nick moved with him, turning into him. He picked Kelly up by the backs of his thighs and set him on the railing, crowding in close between his legs as they kissed. Kelly didn’t even have time to register how weird it felt to be manhandled. He didn’t worry about falling backward off the railing. It was natural to trust Nick to hold him, to wrap his arms around Nick’s neck and squeeze his knees against Nick’s hips.
The kiss was rough and consuming, just like Nick. Just like everything Kelly loved about Nick.
Nick took Kelly’s face in both hands when he pulled away. He pressed his forehead to Kelly’s cheek, his breath harsh against Kelly’s neck. “Put your feet on the ground,” he said, voice gone hard. He gripped Kelly’s arms to keep him from tilting backward, but he stepped away too.
Kelly fought the urge to grab him and stop him from backing off.
“We need to take that walk,” Nick grumbled.
“I’d rather climb the stairs. ”
Nick smiled weakly. Kelly gave him a small tug, but Nick resisted. He didn’t break eye contact, but he looked like he desperately wanted to. He shook his head instead. “I was wrong, I can’t do this. ”
“Nick. ”
“I’m serious, Kels. I don’t want to hurt you. ”
“Baby, I got two Percocet in me, I’m untouchable right now!” Kelly drawled, giving Nick’s arm a tug.
Nick put a hand over his eyes. “Please don’t remind me that you lack clear decision-making skills right now. ”
“What?”
“Percocet. That’s not what I meant and you know it. ”
“Is this about you and Aidan?”
“No. Sort of. No,” Nick stammered. He ran his hand over his face. “I just, this feels dangerous to me, Doc. ”
“I know what this is,” Kelly grumbled.
Nick laughed bitterly. “I doubt that, because even I don’t know what this is. So let’s just leave it at this and go take a walk. ” Nick moved away, leaving Kelly leaning against the railing trying to catch his breath.
“This is your fear of commitment cropping up, huh? Isn’t that usually like a fifth date thing for you?”
Nick stopped short and turned to face him.
“I call bullshit,” Kelly said. He crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly.
“Are you really psychoanalyzing me right now?”
“I know the gears in your head by name, bud. You’re not going to pull any of this shit with me. ”
Nick worked his jaw and looked away.
“What are you really afraid of?” Kelly asked.
Nick glared at him, his eyes blazing briefly before he calmed again. “You know exactly what I’m afraid of. ”
“The same thing that made you keep your mouth shut about Ty all those years?”
Nick’s jaw jumped as he clenched his teeth.
“It’ll never happen,” Kelly said calmly. “If we try this and it doesn’t work, that’s it. There’s no drama between us. It won’t hurt us. It won’t hurt our friendship. ”
Nick looked up at the sky, taking a deep breath. “Kels, I’m begging you to stop. ”
“Nick,” Kelly tried as he moved closer. “It’s me. I know why you’re panicking right now. I know—”
“Don’t,” Nick growled.
Kelly took a deep breath and went for it anyway. “You’re afraid of this moving past the ‘just sex’ point, right? You’re afraid it might be something special, because that’s sure as hell what it felt like last night. You’re scared. ”
Nick put both hands on his hips and lowered his head, nodding. “Okay,” he said, then turned and stalked toward the door, disappearing inside.
Kelly sighed heavily, left alone on his deck as the breeze plucked at the hem of his shirt and ruffled his hair. “Well, that went well. ”
Nick sat in a swing on the front deck, his feet propped on the railing, an unlit cigarette in his hand. He’d wanted to simply bolt, to get out and clear his head for a few hours, but even angry he wasn’t willing to leave Kelly alone. And since the cabin consisted of one open room downstairs and the loft bedroom, there was nowhere to run and hide. So he’d gone to the front deck and planted himself there for a few hours. Kelly had left him alone.
Nick had to smile. Just the fact that Kelly knew to leave him alone was something. He could almost forgive him for calling him out like he had.
He heard Kelly coming to the door, and he turned his head. “You need help?”
“No, I’m good,” Kelly answered when he pushed past the screen door. He shuffled closer, holding his hand to his chest. He stopped at Nick’s side and stared off at the setting sun. “I’m steadier if I don’t take the pain pills. ”