CHRISTMAS VACATION WAS OVER. It was a new semester, and I couldn’t wait to get out of English class to find Ricki. She and I were plotting our winter plans and most of them involved snow and speed. The faster I moved, the more alive I felt. I’d been chasing speed for weeks. Dodging a couple making out by the wall, I rushed around a corner when he stepped out in front of me. Unable to stop, I crashed headlong into the wall of muscle. The impact knocked me on my butt, books flying everywhere.
“Well, look who it is? How’s it going, bitch?” He nudged me with his boot. Ouch.
People stopped all around us. The Neanderthal I ran into was Scott’s friend, J.J. With heavy bones, thick rubbery lips, and coarse brown hair, he resembled a cave man on his best day. Today he was a cave man with a bad attitude. I was about to go off on him when the atmosphere changed. Suddenly J.J.’s rapt attention was zeroed in on something above me. Still sprawled on the floor, I tried to twist around to see when someone pulled me up by an arm and slid between me and J.J.
“Walk away now.”
It was him!
“I don’t think so,” J.J. sneered, spreading his feet and bracing for a fight.
Before anyone could react, J.J. swung a fist at the guy’s face. Lightning fast, he caught the fist in his hand then forced J.J.’s arm back to his side. He was perfectly silent as he held J.J. still with one hand. J.J. strained against his grip for a second before abruptly relaxing. In fact, he looked a little sheepish. What the heck?
“We’re done here. Don’t bother Mica again. I’d hate to hear that you did.” The sexy lilt gave me goose bumps. British? Irish?
J.J. seemed mesmerized and stared without another word. His mouth just sort of hung open. I wished I could see my rescuer’s face, but he was still standing in front of me. The view I had was pretty good, though. Were those Levis?
J.J. nodded obediently and rubbed his fist with his other hand. He had an odd look on his face as he walked away, as if he had just woken up and wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there. Slightly disappointed in the non-fight, the crowd started drifting away. My hero towed me off to the side with hard fingers wrapped around my elbow. I started to thank him, but the words disappeared when he turned his eyes in my direction. Wow. They were electric blue. Beautiful. Stunning, really. Mesmerizing, sexy, brilliant, spellbinding . . . I ran out of adjectives and gawked like an idiot. He snapped his fingers to get my attention.
After flushing a hopefully becoming shade of magenta, I reeled in my hormones and managed to stammer, “Th - th - th - thanks.”
Instead of asking me out, or asking for my phone number, he considered my flaming cheeks with an amused curl to his lips. Not quite a smile, but close.
“You’re welcome. I’m Sean.”
That night, I sat on the bed thinking things over. I hadn’t had a nightmare since the party. In fact, I was sleeping like a baby. What had changed? Maybe I was really healing. I still missed Mom like crazy, but the pain in my heart was less intense. I didn’t miss Marc anymore. Too many things had happened to dwell on him. As far as dickhead guys go, he seemed like a saint next to Scott; after all, he’d only dumped me after I moved here. Long distance relationships were bad, etc., etc. Blah, blah, and more blah. Whatever.
After some family drama and a lot of tears, yelling, and more than a little swearing, Dad was trying to be better, more patient. He’d stopped nagging at me about planning my life. For months he’d been freaking out about my attitude. He thought I was unmotivated . . . It wasn’t that. I was dying to get out of this apartment. I wanted that, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was waiting for something to happen. I had no idea what, but it felt like my life was paused. Before I could move on, I had one big issue to deal with—Scott and the destruction he’d left inside my head. I was working on that too.
Since my ankle had healed, I was running and taking a self-defense class. I had a lot to learn but was getting some good training. When I got a little stronger, I was going to up the ante. I would never be a helpless victim again. If I was going down, I would go down kicking some ass. I planned to get a stun gun as soon as I could. Pepper spray has too many limitations. I would be strong and self-sufficient and in control of my destiny. That was the plan, anyway.
Weekends were for playing. And in upstate New York, playing meant snowmobiling. Ricki’s father trusted us with his two sleds, so we’d taken off for a day on the mountain trails. It was beyond pretty out here. The forest was blanketed in heavy snow; the pine trees were dark against the brilliant white. Grinning like an idiot, I slightly adjusted the skis to stay centered on the rutted path. The sled responded like an extension of my body. The engine roared; the vibrations made my teeth tingle. It was amazing! The stretches of meadow were like big soft comforters. Once in a while I saw a deer bounding off to one side or another. It was the best way to see the backcountry. Today wasn’t an ordinary Saturday though. We were headed to a place where people were doing stunts. I trailed Ricki to a parking area and pulled off my helmet.
“Hey, Ricki! Over here!” It was Ricki’s latest obsession. Kevin was in line at one of the ramps. He gave Ricki an optimistic thumbs up. She waved back, her face bright with excitement and no small amount of lust.
“I don’t know what to do about him,” she confessed with a chuckle. “He’s really sweet, but he’s so shy. How do I draw him out of his shell?” She cracked herself up and snorted.
The more she snorted, the harder I laughed. It worked for us.
Suddenly serious, she breathed, “There he goes!”
Kevin was next.
We held our breath as he gunned the engine on the straightaway. Gaining full speed, he flew over the ramp. Once airborne, he steered the sled into a complete flip. He pulled it around just in time to land perfectly in the snow. Awesome! I wanted to do that! I was already bounding back to my sled when a familiar voice stopped me cold.
“Yo, Dec! Wait up!”
“Omigod! He’s here! That’s him. Look, look!” I don’t know what came over me. I lost my mind in a total fan girl move, clutching Ricki’s sleeve, towing her around to see Sean. Where did my dignity go?
Fully covered by winter clothes, he was still ridiculously sexy. I could see his dark head from here. His thick, spiky hair was so black it had blue highlights in the sun. Those amazing blue eyes suddenly found mine and held them across the crowded lot. It was like gazing into the ocean. I wanted to dive in. My mouth opened into an O as time seemed to stop. Eventually I realized his expression was amused again. Completely mortified, I flipped a casual wave and whipped around to Ricki.
“What kind of friend are you?” I hissed before sinking into a crouch behind the sled. “Why didn’t you stop me? I’m an idiot!”
She was openly appraising Sean and his friend. “Who’s his surfer friend?” she asked with an appreciative whistle.
Before I could answer, a pair of boots appeared in front of me. I groaned. It’s got to be him. I peeked over the seat, and yep, it was Sean. He offered a gloved hand. I gritted my teeth and pasted a smile on my face as he pulled me up. He immediately took a step back. What did he want? I wasn’t in any trouble right now. He noticed my wariness and frowned. He had the cutest little crease between his eyes.
“Don’t worry. You won’t need to rescue me again. I’m not in any trouble today. No one’s here to bother me.”
Sean locked eyes with the guy he called Dec, and stated flatly, “Sweetheart, other people aren’t your problem.”
“Oh, ha ha. That’s hilarious. I’m pretty sure I can manage to take care of myself. I’ve been on my own for a long time, you know.”
He inclined his head, and asked with more intensity than called for, “Really? Are you sure you’re on your own?” His accent was captivating.
I’d taken a step closer before I noticed and planted my traitorous feet. “Pretty much, yes. But I’ll take help now and then. Thanks again. Okay, gotta go!” Tossing my head, I grabbed my helmet. “Ricki, I’m up!”
Sean clamped a re
straining hand on the grip, and growled, “What do you mean, you’re up?”
“I’m learning to jump! It’s going to be great. I’ve been waiting for months, so let go.”
“Are you nuts?” He glanced in appeal at Ricki who shrugged and laughed at his irritated scowl.
“I am not nuts. Now move or I’ll run over you.” I gunned the engine in warning. He moved in a huff.
It was amazing flying through the air. I landed with a pretty good wobble, but I didn’t lose control, and nobody got hurt. I was thrilled and sped back to do it again—and again—and one more time that day. I looked around for Sean and Dec and didn’t see them after my last landing. They were gone.
A few nights later, Dani and I were chilling, talking about spirituality. Dani believed in a lot of things that I didn’t—reincarnation, auras, astral projection, etc. I respected her beliefs though, and didn’t mind learning about them. Psychic and metaphysical concepts were fascinating. Total bullshit, but fascinating. Tonight we were talking about Heaven and Hell.
She was saying in her usual musical voice, “You have to believe in both if you believe in one. They either both exist or neither does.”
“I’m not arguing that point. I just don’t know if I still believe in either of them. I hope there is a Heaven because I want to think my mom is someplace like that . . . and not just rotting in the ground. And I’d like to think there’s a Hell too, for other people. I’m just not sure about God’s role in all this. I’m not sure He’s exactly like the preachers say. He doesn’t seem to be very kind to me.”
Dani opened her mouth, closed it, and swept narrowed eyes around the room. “Did you feel that?”
“Feel what?”
“I felt a presence just now. Didn’t you feel it too? It was like a warm breath of air moved passed us. Not a ghost . . . Maybe some other kind of spirit?”
She was definitely giving me the creeps. Out of habit, I stuck my fingernail in my mouth and promptly yanked it back out again. I’m trying to quit. “I didn’t notice anything. It must be the heater coming on.”
She didn’t look convinced. She stared intently at the hallway for a full minute before shrugging and getting back to her story. The hair on my neck stood up, and I shivered. I didn’t need any help being edgy at night. Let’s not talk about any unexplained presence in my room—I’ll start having nightmares again.
Global warming was a myth. The temperature had been well below zero for days. I dragged my purple fleece hat over my ears and tied it under my chin. Not a glamorous look, true, but at least my ears would stay attached. Tugging on my mittens, I trotted over to the railing and looked down.
I’d never heard of a frozen waterfall before. Ausable Chasm was filled with snow; the river and falls frozen like ice sculptures. The water had roared over the rocks until it gradually froze in layers of rolling ice. Stray beams of sunlight glistened like tiny diamonds sprinkled by some capricious snow fairy. Usually thunderous, the falls were eerily muffled. With both hands clutching the icy railing, I leaned over to glory in the wonderland that Mother Nature created one hundred feet below. The mountains called to something primal inside of me, calming my fears, strengthening my spirit. I drove here today to clear my head. I was thinking about Sean. Again.
I hadn’t really seen him in the past month. Sometimes I’d catch a glimpse of him on campus, but he didn’t talk to me. At first I thought he just hadn’t seen me, but once in a while I’d notice him watching me. I’d wave or smile, but he’d just turn away. That stung. What was his problem anyway? We weren’t exactly friends, but he acted like he was too good for me. I puzzled over it for weeks before finally deciding it was his problem—not mine. Life was too short to waste any more brain cells on Sean O’Cahan.
Turning my back on the chasm, I gazed blankly at the pine trees, musing at the death of my innocence. Once upon a time, I believed in love and happily ever after. I believed in God. Now? Not so much. I was alone in my world; there was no such thing as destiny and divine intervention. I would make my own way. My life would have meaning because of what I did—not because of what others did for me. Other people weren’t dependable and simply believing didn’t make dreams come true. No, I would make my own way . . . I didn’t think I could live without people, though. I was too sociable to be a loner. One thing was sure—as much as I liked to hang out with my friends, I was alone inside my head—no one really knew me. Right now, I was okay with that.
That night I dreamed I was on fire. My body was in flames, and I was rolling around on the ground trying to put myself out. I rolled so hard I fell right off the bed. I lay on the floor for a minute, trying to wake up. I regretted it when I did. I felt like crap. My head was pounding, my whole body hurt, and I was still on fire. This was not going to be a good day.
“Well, at least you aren’t throwing up. You’d feel worse if you were puking on top of everything else.” Janet always found the silver lining. Her honey-colored eyes were kind as she efficiently examined me. She’d pulled her thick, blond hair into a twist for work at the hospital. Although she wore little make-up, she was still pretty for a mom. Her skin glowed without any artificial colors or flavors. I was bummed I didn’t share her genes.
Feeling pathetic, I rasped, “Yeah, that would suck. Thanks. I’ll try to live.”
She patted my hand and straightened to go. “No problem, hon. I’ll be at the hospital so call my cell if you get worse.” She handed me the TV remote on her way out.
I painfully swallowed some water and closed my aching eyes. The flu sucked. The fever kept me from sleeping soundly, and I slipped in and out of vivid dreams. One moment Sean was at the wheel of a strange car in a place that seemed vaguely familiar—then before I could ask him about it, the scene shifted to a forest covered in white. I staggered in the drifting snow, lost and alone. I fell to my knees as the scene shifted to a rundown warehouse in a dark city. I stood shivering in icy rain outside a faded red door, waiting for someone . . . Suddenly there was a bright flash and flames erupted from the building beside me. My clothes caught, and I burned in the rain, calling for help. Explosions shook the ground. Sirens screamed in the distance. They got closer and louder. My head was about to explode . . .
Cool fingers slowly massaged my temples, and the sirens faded away. I sighed contentedly and cracked open my eyes. He dropped his hand and sat back. I must be dreaming.
“Hi,” I whispered.
He was beautiful in the dim light; so solid and warm that I wanted to snuggle up and sleep forever. I was so weak that my hand sort of flopped onto his knee. He twitched at the impact and shifted his body so we weren’t touching anymore.
“Sean? Don’t . . . go,” I croaked out the last part. “God, my throat’s killing me. I think I’m dying.”
A glimmer of humor sparkled in his eyes as he helped me sit up against my pillow. “I’m pretty sure you’ll live.” He read over the note that Janet left me and briskly set about saving my life. He stuck a thermometer in my mouth and measured out some pills. After pouring me a glass of water, he squatted next to me, motioning for the thermometer.
“Damn!” he swore before holding the thermometer out for me to see. “You really are sick.”
I blinked to clear my vision. Did it really say 105°? The numbers were blurry. He tipped the glass against my lips so I could take the pills. I moaned as they scraped down my throat. It hurt and I felt like death. The flu sucked, but he had such pretty eyes . . . Delirious, I drifted off again.
Sometime later, the sound of two men talking dragged me out of deep sleep. Their words made no sense. Was that English? I couldn’t understand them but I was floating and dizzy with fever, so I might have imagined the whole thing. I cracked an eyelid. A stranger’s face wavered in and out of focus. After a moment, he reached out and wrapped his fingers around my throat.
Chapter 4: Peace Offering