Upon Your Spit Landing on Another
Before rushing to your opponent to offer use of your usual beige silk hanky to do the necessary, pause for a moment to size him up. Spitting on someone can infuriate, and a few of your more ill bred chaps will start spitting right back. It is therefore best to be seen demonstrating your sincere regret while standing at a safe distance with your hanky out. Till you are sure your adversary hasn’t got the guts to attack. When your first words should be.
‘Gee fella I didn’t see you standing there.’
Or in pukka.
‘I am awfully sorry.’
Accent should be on the am, as well as the awfully. Should your victim be a weak small person without weapons, be compassionate. Warn him not to rub your strongly digestive spit into his fabric, where it shortly will produce glaring holes.
Upon your saliva landing on a lady it is stylish to provide an immediate blistering stream of apologies while your hands are held up high dithering.
‘O dear, how tiresomely vile for you and my goodness, how really terrible it is of me, I don’t know how I can apologize enough.’
These and similar words will mollify her but in the case of her monstrous, heavy browed gorilla like boyfriend, they will send him into a frenzy of lathered contortions best dealt with by a nimble retreat behind his girlfriend who could, however, be floored with the first punch and deprive you of further protection.
Upon a Fair Fight
These have been made scarce by the use of various methods of unarmed combat. Such as grabbing your opponent by the lapels and swinging him up over your head and back down with a crescendo on his arse or using hand chops to fracture his wind pipe and crush spinal vertebrae. In the days when one gentleman knocked another down for an impropriety he would normally ask his opponent as he lay in the dust if he had enough. But with the advent of these latest grippings and tuggings and choppings, often a knockment to the ground will mean your opponent is opening your shoelaces or trying to flip you on your own arse with an ankle lock reverse lever throw. It is therefore advised to deliver one clean blow to start with and if your opponent is clearly not of the old school, clean out his teeth with your elbow as he falls and give him a belly full of your boot when he reaches the ground. Of course, should he be armed, run in a ducking zig zag fashion.
The Mugger
Although an attacker is a yellow bellied type he can quickly turn you into one too if he is carrying a weapon and has it stuck in your ribs or held across your throat. It is best always to carry sufficient money upon your person to hand over to appease the highwayman. Look at this as an insurance. Courtesy at this time, provided there is an opportunity to offer it, will often reap rewards. Apologize if you only have extremely large denomination bills or that your jewelled watchband is gaudy and ostentatious. But don’t be as insincere as you usually are as it will infuriate your assailant who as a self employed man will be quickly intolerant of the mealy mouthed.
To Avoid Attack
Although travelling everywhere by limousine can still put you in jeopardy when you alight between vehicle and building entrance, it is by far the safest transport. With doors locked, telephone or short wave radio at the ready to signal help, and bullet proof windows and body chassis which latter also stands up excellently in collision, you are veritably ready for anything. The awesome splendour and intimidation you present to any would be scoundrel often deters attacks. He is also aware that a man who lives in such triumphant fashion will pull a gun on him without hesitation in order to go on living that way.
Upon Giving Assistance to One Attacked
When suddenly you see or distantly hear a chap or lady being assaulted and if you have the persistent nature of a righteous busybody and don’t give a damn if you get a bust in the nose or worse a hole in the head and the person attacked looks or sounds deserving of protection, the proper words upon approach are.
‘What is the difficulty here?’
Should the riposte be.
‘None of your fucking business.’
Make sure no weapons are present before shouting out your war cry.
‘Gung Ho.’
When police arrive on the scene make sure they do not shoot or apprehend you as the assailant since you have laid out everyone around you. This is where your good accent used liberally along with displaying a copy of the city’s best newspaper on your person will identify you as a respectable member of the community who would only hurt a fly when preserving the public peace required.
As a Pedestrian
Show some measure of decrepitude when using any public highway on foot. This will in most cases make the motorist pity you and he will steer well clear but always be ready to jump for it. When crossing a street it is permissible to do so in such a manner that other pedestrians cushion you to oncoming traffic. But it is rude to make this obvious. Should a car approach which is clearly going to hit you and there is not sufficient time to go forward or back, go upwards as high as you can. With proper timing and height you can crash feet first through the bastard’s windscreen and avoid injury by the flopping onto his roof which harmlessly will carry your body while you hope the vehicle stops. Attempting this with large lorries or trucks can be a real test of your athletic ability.
As a Motorist
Never pull away from traffic lights hoping to outdo your opponent in the next vehicle. He will always give testimony against you should you have an accident further down the road. Of course if he pulls away first and crashes, it is deeply satisfying to later say he was driving like a maniac.
Remember all motorists carry with them heavy personal burdens, unless they be a bunch of reckless kids joy riding whose parents carry the burden. And when under way and no matter how tempted, do not make faces at other passing cars. Folk on the highway these days generate massive hostilities against the outside world and become extremely unstable, isolated as they are in their own little mobile temples of discontent. They may swerve in front of you, force you off the road or even start shooting.
However should you not be able to control yourself and sneer at a passing motorist and his unpleasant passengers, at the first sign of their retaliatory aggressiveness, smile, wave and blow your horn in salute, then display your sign.
TOURIST
Otherwise keep the corners of your mouth well turned down, and your eyes merely slits.
Upon Confronting a Burglar
This is always an impromptu situation which can invite gross incivility since you are generally dealing with a man who is his own boss. If you have decided not to throw caution and courtesy to the winds you may open with.
‘I don’t mind your taking the material things provided you don’t harm me and my wife and I will gladly assist you to get away.’
The trouble with this statement is that most criminals won’t believe you, having learned in a hard school. And as you are only one among their many victims standing there in your pyjamas, or god forbid, totally naked pleading for your life, another opening is suggested.
‘O.K. shoot us, kill us, but get it over with.’
This makes the burglar feel he doesn’t want to be pressed into making a commitment, especially as he is intolerant of taking shit or advice from anyone. But unless the intruder tells you to shut your mouth, keep talking. Although cash and valuables are always uppermost in a professional criminal’s priorities, if your wife’s figure is astonishingly good and he can see through her nightdress, you may yet get a chance to jump him.
Upon Encountering Incivilities from Taxi Drivers
If the usual comment.
‘What’s the matter with you.’
Should not suffice to bring about a desistment when a taxi driver is snarling out his window and embarrassing the god damn hell out of you on the pavement of a good area of town or, god forbid, in front of your club and other club members, then, take up an outraged posture, extend a straight right arm, pointing a finger and in your most aggrieved voice yell.
‘He tri
ed to kidnap me.’
The more intelligent taxi drivers try to get away. But for those who remain, a water pistol squirted in the eye area generally will quieten him if your propellant is vinegar. Beware however in the more dangerous cities that the taxi driver does not outdraw you, or use the excuse of your pulling your water pistol on him to pull a real one on you. And remember.
‘Bang bang.’
Is the sound of bullets.
Upon Helping Ladies Too Fat for Taxis to Get in One
Use the side approach unless your problem is thicker than she is wide. Except in dire necessity it is not done to use your propped up foot to push. But instead get other pedestrians to lend their shoulders. You will find ready help from the majority of city dwellers who are usually curious enough to want to solve such a perplexing situation. Do beware of pickpockets at this time. And be assured your fat lady, appreciative of your gallant assistance, will remain jolly even when subjected to the most bizarre kinds of squeezing.
True dyed in the blue gentlemen will follow such successfully stuffed in a taxi lady in yet another taxi, since getting her out may be even more difficult. When her cab is fully stopped and braked it helps immeasurably if some of the assisting volunteer pedestrians pile onto the roof to hold the taxi in position as the remainder pull. Grasp only the lady’s limbs and avoid tugging jewellery or articles of clothing as these will be torn from her in the undertaking. Upon this unavoidably causing undress, cover her with your jacket and if this does not apply itself to sufficient area as to prevent giving the lady embarrassment, a nearby haberdasher or bed linen supply store ought to have suitable blankets or bed sheets for the occasion. Should the cabbie get overly overheated concerning what he thinks is happening to his cab, wrap him up too.
Fat Ladies in Phone Booths
First cross examine the victim carefully as to how she got in in the first place. This will always supply the best clues to getting her out. If needs be the lady and the telephone booth can be removed intact to a place where she may be extricated privately or the booth taken off her. Make sure that the crowd, who gather in great numbers at such events, do not make for an additional hazard, especially with uncontrollably laughing persons accidentally choking to death on their swallowed dentures.
When the Overwhelming Desire to Goose a Lady Cannot Be Suppressed
You must then at least do it properly. Having spotted the target which must in all cases be of elegance otherwise you’re going to straight off get your head broken, advance deliberately, making sure it is not about to suddenly turn around with something quite different facing you. Then the well favoured gentlemanly goose is delivered with the upcurled twin index fingers used as a unit. Merely nudge gently upwards between the cheeks until your fingertips experience a moderate pneumatic resistance. Linger a trice and then withdraw your hand to a motionless position at your side. Most ladies with a sporting sense of humour will delight in your confident gamy gesture of appreciation of her rear orbs and will often daintily rise forward on their toes emitting a prolonged.
‘Ooooooooooo.’
But. And one cannot be too careful on this score. There are ladies who entirely will object to such licence and may interpret your virtuoso classical goose as an assault upon her person. And throwing yourself immediately upon the lady’s mercy can be recommended although the amount of clemency you receive will depend entirely upon how handsome and well spoken you are. And if that’s how you are, you will be amazed by the numerous women who thrill to be goosed by gallant debonaire men.
Upon Having without Invitation an Uncontrolled Erection
It is extremely bad manners to stand in prolonged postures with your member prominently bulging in front of strange ladies to whom your temporary enormity means little. And to twitch it is a cardinal rudeness.
Depending upon the size of your engorgement, attempt to sit putting the offending member down the least obvious trouser leg. If you are the witness to whom the tumescence is blatant, be mindful your admonishments avoid enraging or ridiculing the erector. Remember there are few things in which chaps put more pride or take out of, more pleasure. And most chaps in fact expect a standing ovation.
Upon Being Exorcised
Do not allow yourself to be approached by quacks or charlatans. Wear a clean change of undergarments and have a suitable outfit ready to sport as a certified angelic being. And do make sure you want to be dispossessed. Remember, Satan not only allows you to contort and gyrate all over the place but you can scare the shit out of others which is often a lot more useful than voiding the devil yourself.
When an Undesirable Moves In Next Door
As the value of your property plummets, don’t feel sorry for yourself. Your new neighbour can hardly do anything further to you because he has already done it all. But in case he thinks of something, it is wise thereafter to prominently display your national flag to make him feel unpatriotic.
Suburban Boundaries
Sunday mornings are the worst time for these. When you look out over the top of the newspaper and see that goon with his tape measure extending into your petunias which he thinks have been planted on his side. Put down your paper immediately and stand at the window with your binoculars so your opponent can see you. When this scrutiny intimidates him back into his house, go out with your own map or blank piece of paper and tape measure. Upon taking a reading, slowly stand up, face your adversary’s windows and shake your fist very slowly back and forth. This means that by god, for unending years in the future you are going to fight tooth and nail, shovel and spade, ashcan and leaves, telephone wires and barbecue pit against your neighbour’s insolent effrontery and it would be a lot easier for all if he let your petunias growing on his side, remain.
Plumbing
In strange large houses one must never assume that the door you are about to enter is the gents’ and prematurely unzip or unbutton the fly and remove one’s private part. One’s heated explanations as one appears in this condition through an ante door into a breakfast, dining or drawing room crowded with other guests and even though the exposed part in question is not tumesced in extension, never suffices to quell the rumour which will flourish among those quietly socializing, that you have uncontrollable indecent tendencies.
Hostesses despise it when you pee all over their fittings and carpet. In darkness therefore, make sure at all times that a receptacle you would desire to be there is there and always dip your finger to locate the presence of the toilet bowl. When something is wrong with his flushing arrangements your host will usually be good enough to tell you if he has failed to put up a sign. Do not forget. Not to flush. If you have been told don’t. It is always despicably too late when you hear screams from below as a whole bunch of innocent opponents get an unwholesomely unwelcome showering. Made much worse when you rush to investigate and cannot control your amusement.
As a House Guest
Although it is quite proper to use up all the hot water and demand other comforts you are used to, it is not done to blow your nose in the sheets or polish shoes with towels even when invited to do so by the host who says make yourself feel at home. These types usually scrutinize everything after you’ve left and are always deeply embittered by your stains.
People love to see folk treat even their most humblest possession like it was an heirloom. And if your host lets you get away with leaving rings from your wet glass on his best mahogany always jump in his presence to take your handkerchief and wipe off the moisture. It is the very height of haughtiest particularity if you carry upon your person a special cloth for this purpose. But on no account take out large wash rags or get on your knees in a servile manner.
Treat your host’s help well, usually they have enormous resentments built up against him and they will make an immediate ally of you. They will also see to it that you get the best victuals your host usually hides for himself. A little joke concerning their employer scampering round to collect their tips after a guest’s departure will often amuse them whi
le they are laying out your clothes and will explain why it seems you never leave a gratuity.
Upon Shortening a Guest’s Stay upon the Country Estate
Stayers are those who have been asked to lunch and appear with suitcases ready for tea, supper, a night’s sleep and an indefinite number of days’ hospitality thereafter based on how soon they can eat and drink you out of house and home. Picking, cleaning and freezing berries is quite effective during summer and autumn as a general ridder of a stayer who resents that you might be enjoying these with sugar and cream or as breakfast jam long after he has gone. Beware of those who may lie between the roses or behind hay bales happily sunbathing.
In order to set the tone when lunch is completed and the stayers are settling in over your coffee and brandy with your latest fashion and movie magazines in the drawing room, the host should stand up and stretch, bringing his arms high and way back at the shoulders and let out a prolonged ahhhh and announce.
‘Must haul the boat. Deucedly sorry to ask but it requires all hands.’
If you are without riverbank, lake or seashore for boat dragging on your estate, find something else large to shift over a distance. The host should engineer the procedure and stand over the victims and direct. The following table may be consulted for the various stayers.