‘I’ll try.’ She swallowed.
There was a horrible, loaded silence. Maybe she can’t think of anything to say, I prayed fiercely.
But no.
Brigit spoke.
‘We’ve tried to get her to stop for ages.’ She looked at her lap, her hair hiding her face. ‘Everyone has. Everyone knows she has a problem…’
I was so tense I was almost vibrating. I won’t listen, I repeated, like a mantra. I won’t listen. But bits of her damning indictment made their way to me, despite my best efforts to drown them out.
‘… very aggressive when we tried to talk to her… getting worse and worse… took drugs on her own… stole other people’s… and before going to work… always out of it… lost her job… always telling lies, not just about drugs, but about everything else…’
On and on she went. I was gobsmacked at how vicious she was about me. I sneaked a glance at Luke in the hope he’d be staring at Brigit, open-mouthed with astonishment and outrage at her accusations.
But to my horror he was nodding in agreement.
‘… the most selfish person you ever met… very worrying… hanging around with dodgy people who take drugs… never any money… owes money to everyone… passed out in the hallway… could have been raped or murdered…’
And on. As I listened to her twist and distort my life, presenting something ordinary and harmless as sick, I began to get angry. She wasn’t exactly squeaky-clean herself.
‘… I was afraid to go home… hoped she wouldn’t be there… extremely embarrassed by her… any time of the day or night… always off work… getting people to ring in sick…’
Suddenly I was shouting my head off. ‘And what about you?’ I howled. ‘Since when were you such a goody two-shoes? It’s only since you lickarsed your way into your new, think-you’re-great promotion that you’ve gone all uptight about drugs.’
‘Rachel, behave,’ Josephine ordered.
‘No, I won’t,’ I bawled. ‘I’m not going to sit here and listen to this… this kangaroo court condemn me, when I could tell you about some of the things that she’s done…’
‘Rachel,’ Josephine menaced, ‘shut up and at least have the manners to listen to someone who has come three thousand miles out of concern for you.’
I opened my mouth to say ‘Concern? HAH!’ But then I saw Luke’s face. The mixture of pity and disgust on it derailed my fury. I was so used to seeing him look at me with admiration that, briefly, I felt dizzy with confusion. Humiliated, I shut up.
Brigit looked shaken, but started again.
‘… mad paranoid… accusing me of flirting with Luke… more and more irrational… couldn’t talk to her… not just cocaine… big jars of Valium… joints… tequila… never wanted to do anything that didn’t involve drugs… stopped washing her hair… getting really thin… said she wasn’t…’
A long time later she stopped. She hung her head and looked so abject it was obviously a ploy. She and Luke had probably rehearsed it on the plane.
‘Happy now?’ I sneered, overflowing with bitterness and bile.
‘No,’ she wailed, and, to my surprise, burst into tears.
What’s she crying about? Surely that’s my prerogative?
Josephine said really gently ‘Can you tell the group why you’re so upset.’
‘I didn’t want to do this,’ she sobbed. ‘I don’t want to be mean. She was my best friend…’
Despite all the accusations she’d thrown at me, I suddenly got a lump in my throat.
‘I’m only doing this to help her get better,’ she cried. ‘I know I was angry and I felt like I hated her…’
That appalled me. Surely not? Brigit hate me? Brigit be angry with me? That couldn’t be right. Why would she do that? Because I’d taken some of her coke once in a while? She’d want to lighten up, she really would.
‘But that’s not why I’m doing this. I just want her to sort her life out and go back to the way she used to be…’
Brigit burst into tears again and Luke silently placed his hand over Brigit’s and gave her a firm grip.
As if they were a husband and wife whose child had meningitis and they were bravely waiting in the hospital corridor for news from the intensive care unit.
Nice touch, Luke, I thought scornfully.
I had to think scornful thoughts, because when I saw him holding another woman’s hand, it stopped it from hurting as much.
That should be my hand he’s holding, I thought miserably.
Thanks, no doubt, to the infusion of strength from Luke’s firm grip, Brigit recovered her aplomb and was able to answer the multitude of questions Josephine was itching to ask.
‘How long would you say Rachel’s drug-taking has been a problem?’
‘For a year at least,’ Brigit answered, sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. ‘It’s hard to say because we all drank a fair bit and took drugs in a social context. But by last summer she was way out of control.
‘… she kept saying she was sorry. Over and over again, it was the most over-used word in her vocabulary. Apart from “more”.’
There were a few sniggers at that. I reddened with anger.
‘… but she wouldn’t actually change her behaviour, showing she wasn’t sorry at all.
‘… and I hated being her keeper, having to keep her in line. I’m the same age as her, in fact she’s three months older than me, and I felt like I was her jailer or her parent. And she called me names, “killjoy” and “a miserable bitch”. Which I wasn’t.’
I was distracted from Brigit’s litany by Luke shifting around in his chair, trying to get comfortable. He slouched low, almost horizontal, his long, hard thighs wide apart.
I dragged my attention back to Brigit, it was less painful.
‘… I shouldn’t have had to be her disciplinarian, it doesn’t come naturally to me. And, as soon as she was forgiven for something, she just went out and did it again.
‘… being narky isn’t my way, I hated what she did to me, the way her behaviour changed me. I was always resentful. Or annoyed. I’m not like that, usually I’m very easygoing…’
I was alarmed to discover that for a minute I’d let myself get caught up in compassion for Brigit. I forgot, briefly, that it was me who was the baddy in Brigit’s tale of woe.
Then I reminded myself what was going on. Brigit was simply trying to rewrite history in the light of her new, responsible job. She wanted to distance herself from her old druggy life in case her employers got wind of it. This wasn’t about me, at all.
But the next thing she said, I nearly throttled her for. She said ‘… and she was horrible to Luke. She was ashamed of the way he looked because she thought he wasn’t trendy enough…’
What did she have to say that for? I panicked. Things were bad enough with me and Luke, without her adding fuel to the fire. Quickly, I looked at Luke, desperately hoping he hadn’t heard. But of course he had. Terrified, I attempted a protest. ‘That’s not at all true,’ I insisted.
‘It is true,’ Luke bit angrily. Oh fuck. I had no choice but to shut up and let Brigit continue.
‘… and she kept trying to get me to go out with one of Luke’s friends, any of Luke’s friends, because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to stand up to people like Helenka, on her own. She didn’t care that I wasn’t suited to any of Luke’s friends, she was too focused on herself. She just tried to play God with the lives of the people around her…
‘… she even put on a New York accent when she was around people she wanted to impress. “Whatever”, and “As if”, and all that kind of thing…’
But I wasn’t really listening. I was too shaken by Luke’s anger. He was usually such a lovely person, especially to me. It was all weird and peculiar – he looked just like Luke Costello, the man who’d been my best friend, my lover for six months. But he was acting like a stranger. Worse, like an enemy.
‘Let’s look at another aspect of Rachel,’ Josephine cut into my thoughts
. She wanted to discuss my career. I had a wild urge to screech ‘Do you want to know what colour my knickers are?’
‘Rachel’s bright,’ Josephine said to Brigit. ‘Why do you think she didn’t have a job that used her abilities?’
‘Maybe because it’s hard to hang onto a decent job when your major occupation is taking drugs,’ Brigit said. ‘Besides, she thinks she’s thick.’
‘You’ve a good job, haven’t you?’ Josephine asked.
‘Er, yes,’ she admitted, startled.
‘You’ve a degree, haven’t you?’
‘Yes.’
‘In business studies?’
‘Er, yes.’
‘You’ve travelled to London, Edinburgh, Prague and New York doing work experience towards your degree and Rachel has basically followed you, isn’t that right?’ Josephine asked.
‘I wouldn’t say she followed me,’ Brigit said. ‘But, as I was going to those places, and she was bored with Dublin, she decided to come too.’
‘And all the time you progressed in your career and Rachel achieved nothing?’
‘I suppose,’ Brigit admitted.
I felt worthless, like a stupid little lapdog.
‘It’s nice to be with someone who isn’t as successful as oneself,’ Josephine mused, as if she was just thinking out loud. ‘The contrast is very heartening.’
‘I… but…’ Brigit looked confused and tried to say something, but Josephine had already moved on.
The session eventually dragged itself to its tortuous end. Josephine said Luke would be on after lunch, then ushered Luke and Brigit out to the staff dining-room. It humiliated me further that they were going to the ‘normal person’s’ quarters. I deeply resented being marginalized, being treated like a looper.
As they left the room, I noticed Luke place his hand protectively in the small of Brigit’s back. Although there was nothing small about Brigit’s back, I thought, bitchiness keeping the agony at bay.
Once they’d disappeared from view, I was filled with a terrible bleakness. Where was Luke gone? Where could I find him? I wanted him to put his arms around me and pull me against his chest. I wanted comfort, the way it used to be.
I entertained a mad fantasy of breaking into the staff rooms and engineering a meeting with him. Surely if we spoke calmly he’d see that he still cared about me? He’d cared so much about me once it was inconceivable it had entirely gone away. Then all this madness could stop.
For a moment it seemed entirely feasible, perfectly possible. Briefly the future seemed full of redemption. Then I came to my senses. It wasn’t feasible at all.
The inmates swarmed over me, offering sympathy and compassion.
‘Look,’ I was desperate to defend myself, ‘you’ve got to understand that what Brigit said wasn’t really about me at all. She exaggerated it by miles because she’s got this new job, see? They’d go mad if they knew she took drugs. And you’d want to see the amount of drugs she takes. She taught me everything I know.’ I forced a laugh and waited for Mike and the others to join in. They didn’t, just patted me and made soothing noises.
I couldn’t eat a single thing at lunch. Instead, I prayed as I had never prayed before. I did all manner of frantic negotiating with God. A life in the missions if he would either visit a terrible calamity on Luke or, miles better, bring about a reunion with him. But I’d stitched God up in a couple of deals in the past and maybe he didn’t want to do business with me.
About ten minutes before group kicked off for the afternoon’s star attraction, a wave of nausea rolled over me, darkening my vision. Eagerly, I hoped that this presaged my imminent death.
I lurched along to the bathroom, hugging the wall because I could hardly see the floor for all the black patches swimming before my eyes. But as soon as I threw up, I felt OK again. Certainly not about to pass my expiry date. Bitter was my disappointment.
53
Before I knew it I was sitting in a chair in the Abbot’s Quarter – I had been allowed one of the good seats out of sympathy for my predicament – and Luke was due any minute.
Maybe he wouldn’t be mean to me, I thought with a blast of hope that nearly sent me into orbit. Maybe when it comes to it, he just won’t be able to be cruel. After all, Luke had been my boyfriend, he’d been mad about me. Surely he still cared? Surely he wouldn’t hurt me?
Wasn’t this the man who had made hot-water bottles for me every month when I got my period, a man who hadn’t been afraid to buy what we’d called my ‘feminine hygiene products’ for me?
Once again, for the merest split-second I fantasized about Luke and me getting back together. About us returning together to New York and closing the door on this horrible episode.
Then I remembered how terrible the Brigit session had been, that the vote from the Costello jury wasn’t likely to be any better. I felt sick with dread again.
I prayed and prayed to be spared, but, at two o’clock on the dot, Luke, Brigit and Josephine all trooped in and sat down. When I saw Luke I got that infinitesimal rush of joy, the way I had in the morning. He was so sexy and handsome, big and mine. Then I saw his grim, cold expression and remembered that things were very different now.
The session started. I could sense the excited squirming of the other inmates. They’d probably knitted at the guillotine in a former life, I thought in disgust, omitting to remember that I’d been all agog when their ISOs had come abitching.
‘Can you tell us your relationship to Rachel?’ Josephine asked Luke.
‘Boyfriend,’ he mumbled. ‘I mean, ex-boyfriend.’
‘So you were ideally placed to witness her addiction?’
‘Yeah.’
I took a crumb of comfort from Luke’s apparent reluctance.
‘A few weeks ago you took the trouble to fill out a questionnaire on Rachel’s addiction. Is it all right with you if I read it out to the group?’
Luke shrugged uncomfortably and I felt as if my stomach had flopped down to my toes.
Any time you like with the earthquake, God, I begged silently. It’s not too late.
But God, capricious creature that He was, was otherwise engaged. Visiting my earthquake on a remote area in China, where it benefited no one. When He could have been causing mayhem in County Wicklow and doing me a huge favour. I later discovered that the remote area was called the Wik Xla Province and felt a bit better. God hadn’t deserted me, he was just a bit deaf.
To my alarm Josephine produced sheaves of paper. It looked like Luke had written a book.
‘Right.’ Josephine cleared her throat. ‘The first question is “What drugs are you aware that Rachel uses?” and Luke has answered, “Cocaine, crack cocaine, ecstasy…” ’
I wanted to die, my disappointment was that bitter. There would be no mercy. Luke, my Luke, had undeniably turned on me. There had been hope right until that second, but now it was gone.
‘ “speed, hash, grass, magic mushrooms, acid, heroin…” ’
Someone gasped at the ‘heroin’ part. For God’s sake, I thought angrily. I’d only smoked it.
‘ “… Valium, Librium, prescription painkillers, antidepressants, sleeping tablets, appetite suppressants and any kind of alcohol.” ’
She paused and took a breath. ‘Luke has added a postscript to this. It says “If it’s a drug, Rachel will have taken it. She’s probably taken drugs that haven’t been invented yet.” An emotional response to a factual question, but I think we understand what you’re trying to say, Luke.’
My head had been bowed and my eyes clenched shut, but I looked up to see Josephine give Luke a warm smile.
It was like a nightmare. I couldn’t understand how I’d suddenly gone from a position of extreme power with Luke to having none whatsoever.
‘The next question is “Do you think Rachel abuses drugs?” and Luke has replied “Give me a break.” What does that mean, Luke?’
‘It means “yes”,’ he mumbled.
‘Thank you,’ Josephine said crispl
y.
‘The next question is “When do you think Rachel’s problem with drugs first began?” Luke has replied, “The dawn of time.” Would you care to elaborate, Luke.’
‘Yeah,’ he shifted uneasily. ‘I mean she had a habit long before I ever met her.’
How dare he use the word ‘habit’ about me, I thought, suddenly angry. As if I was a junkie.
‘So what were you doing with me then?’ I found myself screeching. ‘If I was that bad?’ Everyone in the room jumped, including me.
Luke rolled his eyes in a ‘For fuck’s sake’ way, as if I was a hysterical lunatic. I hated him.
‘Don’t worry, Rachel,’ Josephine smiled smoothly, ‘we’ll get to that. Next question: “When did you first realize that Rachel had a problem with drugs?” And Luke has replied – this is rather a long answer – “I always knew Rachel drank heavily and used cocaine…” ’
I raged at the barefaced dishonesty of it. This got worse. I did not drink heavily. The lying bastard, making me sound like Oliver Reed.
‘… “But I didn’t think it was that strange because everyone I know drinks socially and smokes spliffs. For a good while we only met at night so, although she was always pretty out of it, I thought it was just a social thing. Even so, I told her I’d love to see her straight. And she said it was just because she was shy with me. I believed her, I even thought it was cute.” ’
‘I was shy,’ I hissed furiously.
Josephine glared at me, then continued ‘ “But one time after she’d stayed over at my apartment there was a strong smell of booze from her in the morning. That was weird because she hadn’t had much to drink the night before. Although she’d done a lot of coke. After she’d gone home, my flatmate Joey accused me of drinking his bottle of JD…” ’
Josephine paused. ‘JD?’ she asked.
‘Jack Daniels,’ Luke supplied.
‘Thank you,’ said Josephine. ‘ “… which I hadn’t. But I couldn’t believe Rachel had drunk it, especially not first thing in the morning.” ’
Suddenly, my rage abated. I was mortified. I didn’t think anyone had noticed the dent I’d made in the whiskey I’d found in Luke’s kitchen that morning. I wouldn’t have touched it only I’d woken with an awful coke comedown. I’d been out of Valium and I’d needed something to take the edge off the horror and paranoia.