“I’m Caulder. I’m also doing a slam tonight. It’s called ‘Suck and sweet.’”
Oh no, here we go again.
I’ve had a lot of sucks in life
A lot
My parents died almost four years ago, right after I turned seven
With every day that goes by I remember them less and less
Like my mom…I remember that she used to sing.
She was always happy,
always dancing.
Other than what I’ve seen of her in pictures, I don’t really remember what she looks like.
Or what she smells like
Or what she sounds like
And my Dad
I remember more things about him, but only because I thought he was the most amazing man in the world.
He was smart. He knew the answer to everything.
And he was strong.
And he played the guitar.
I used to love lying in bed at night, listening to the music coming from the living room.
I miss that the most.
His music.
After they died, I went to live with my grandma and grandpaul.
Don’t get me wrong…I love my grandparents.
But I loved my home even more.
It reminded me of them.
Of my mom and dad.
My brother had just started college the year they died.
He knew how much I wanted to be home.
He knew how much it meant to me,
so he made it happen.
I was only seven at the time, so I let him do it.
I let him give up his entire life just so I could be home.
Just so I wouldn’t be so sad.
If I could do it all over again, I would have never let him take me.
He deserved a shot, too. A shot at being young.
But sometimes when you’re seven, the world isn’t in 3-D.
So,
I owe a lot to my brother.
A lot of ‘thank you’s’
A lot of ‘I’m sorry’s’
A lot of ‘I love you’s’
I owe a lot to you, Will
For making the sucks in my life a little less suckier
And my sweet?
My sweet is right now.
I wonder if a person can cry too much? If so, I’m definitely reaching my quota this month. I stand up and make my way past Sherry and David and out into the aisle. When Caulder walks down the steps to the stage, I pick him up and give him the biggest damn hug I’ve ever given him.
“I love you, Caulder.”
***
We don’t stay for the awards. The kids are excited to be spending the evening with Sherry and David, so they were all in a hurry to leave. Kiersten and Caulder didn’t seem to care who won, which made me a little proud. After all, I’ve been drilling Allan Wolf’s quote into Kiersten’s head every time I give her advice about poetry. “The points are not the point; the point is poetry.”
After David and Sherry drive away with the boys, Lake and I walk to the car and I open the door for her.
“Where are we eating? I’m hungry,” she says.
I don’t answer her. I shut her door and walk around to the driver’s side. I reach into the backseat and grab two sacks out of the floorboard and hand one to her. “We don’t have time to stop and eat. I made us grilled cheese.”
She grins when she opens her sack and pulls out her sandwich and soda. I can tell by the look on her face that she remembers. I was hoping she would remember.
“We have a pretty long drive,” I say. “I know a game we can play, it’s called ‘would you rather.’ Have you ever played it before?”
She smiles at me and nods. “Just once, with this really hot guy. But it was a long time ago. Maybe you should go first to refresh my memory.”
“Okay. But first, there’s something I need to do.” I open my console and pull out the blindfold. “Our destination is sort of a surprise, so I need you to put this on.”
“You’re blindfolding me? Seriously?” She rolls her eyes and leans forward.
I wrap it around her head and adjust it over her eyes. “There. Don’t peek.” I put the car in drive and pull out of the parking lot, then ask the first question. “Okay. Would you rather I looked like Hugh Jackman or George Clooney?”
“Johnny Depp,” she says.
She answers a little too fast for my comfort. “What the hell, Lake? You’re supposed to say Will! You’re supposed to say you want me to look like me!”
“But you weren’t one of the options,” she says.
“Neither was Johnny Depp!”
She laughs. “My turn. Would you rather have constant, uncontrollable belching or would you rather have to bark every time you heard the word the?”
“Bark as in like a dog?”
“Yeah.”
“Uncontrollable belching,” I say.
“Oh gross." She wrinkles up her nose. "I could live with your barking, but I don’t know about the constant belching.”
“Well in that case, I change my answer. My turn again. Would you rather be abducted by aliens or have to go on tour with Nickelback?”
“I’d rather be abducted by The Avett Brothers.”
“Wasn't an option."
She laughs. “Fine, aliens. Would you rather be an old, rich man with only one year left to live? Or a young, poor, sad man with fifty years left to live?”
“I’d rather be Johnny Depp.”
She laughs. “You suck at this,” she teases.
I reach over and interlock fingers with her. She’s leaning back into the seat laughing without a clue in the world where we’re headed. She’s about to be pissed…but hopefully only for a little while. I drive around a bit longer while we continue our game. I could honestly play this game all night with her, but I don’t. We eventually pull up to our destination and I hop out of the car. I open her door and help her stand up.
“Hold my hands. I’ll lead.”
“You're making me nervous, Will. Why do you always have to be so secretive when it comes to our dates?”
“I’m not secretive, I just love surprising you. A little bit further and I’ll let you take off your blindfold.” We walk inside and I position her exactly where I want her. I can’t help but smile, knowing how she's about to react once I take off her blindfold. “I’m about to take it off, but before I do…just remember how much you love me, okay?”
“I can’t make any promises,” she says.
I reach behind her and untie the blindfold and remove it from her eyes. She opens them and looks around. Yep, she’s pissed.
“What the hell, Will! You brought me on a date to your house again? Why do you always do this?”
I laugh. “I’m sorry.” I throw the blindfold on the coffee table and put my arms around her. “It's just that some things don't need to be done on a stage. Some things need to be private. This is one of them.”
“What is one of them?” She looks nervous.
I kiss her on the forehead. “Sit down, I’ll be right back.” I motion for her to sit on the couch, so she does.
I go to my bedroom and reach into the closet and pull out her surprise. I stick it in my pocket and walk back to the living room. I turn on the stereo and set I & Love & You on repeat; it’s her favorite song.
“You better tell me now, before I start crying again…does this have anything to do with my mom? Because you said the stars were the last thing.”
“They were the last thing, I promise.” I sit down beside her on the couch and take her hand in mine, looking her straight in the eyes. “Lake, I have something to say and I want you to hear me out without