Chapter 23
I decided it would be best not to mention the twins thing to Kiyo. As it was, I was having a hard enough time processing it.
Twins.
Twins?
This was the ultimate "when it rains, it pours" cliche. I'd gotten pregnant through an idiotic slip, putting me right in the line of the prophecy I'd tried to avoid for so long. And now, just when I'd managed to coax an early test so I could nip this situation in the bud, I was faced with a potential situation that I never, never could have foreseen.
Kiyo had been right. I should have terminated the pregnancy the instant I found out, before I knew more about it. It was becoming real now. Every detail I learned made it more substantial, giving more life to what I carried within me. It's not too late. You don't have to wait for the results. Maybe it's better if you don't.
I'd boldly told Jasmine that I'd keep the twins if they were girls, but the reality of that was harsh. How would I raise two children? I didn't know if I could handle one. How could I manage motherhood when half my life was spent in another world? How could I even keep working? Would I get a nanny - or force my kids onto someone like Tim or my mom? That latter seemed pretty unlikely. And then, of course, I was faced with the most mundane problem of all.
Money.
"You're going to be in serious trouble if you don't start working again soon," Lara told me the day after I'd seen the doctor. She'd spent the night again and was sitting at my kitchen table with me. In front of her, a laptop showed an array of spreadsheets. "You're still okay . . . but it won't last. Part of your money goes into the business's account - the one I'm paid from. The other profits go to your savings. The first one's running pretty low . . . and if it goes empty . . . "
"We go into my savings," I finished.
She nodded. Her face was grim, a far cry from the giddiness she'd shown when she and Tim had stumbled out of bed this morning. A bitter part of me thought maybe I could pick up extra cash by charging her rent. I dismissed that, of course. None of this was her fault.
"I know there's . . . stuff . . . going on, Eugenie, but why can't you start taking more jobs? You cut the workload before, and we still did okay, but now . . . there's next to nothing. Your savings can't hold out that long. And what on earth did Enrique do that got us such a large bill?"
I ignored that and simply stared at the numbers on the screen, my heart sinking. "I've got a lot of equity in the house. "
"What?" Her jaw nearly dropped. "You'd risk your house instead of just taking on more work?"
A terrible image came to my mind: me, trapped in some small apartment with two screaming babies. End it, just end it.
"It's just an option," I pointed out. "A safety net. And speaking of which . . . Did you talk to Enrique?"
Lara nodded. "I did. I'm going to do a little administrative work for him on the side. "
"Good. " One less thing to feel guilty about. "You'll be okay then. "
"This isn't about me! I don't understand. Why can't you just take a couple of jobs? I've got reams of requests! There are easy ones, like that ghost the other day. "
I tried to hide my dismay at that. "I haven't been feeling well, that's all. And this is kind of a physical line of work. "
Lara's blue eyes scrutinized me for several seconds. "Then maybe you're the one who needs to be looking for another job. "
"No!" I exclaimed. "This is what I do. It's the only thing I do. "
"But if you're sick - "
"I'm fine. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow and then . . . " I faltered. And then what? "And then I'll be fine. Back to work. My appointment's at noon, so hell, you could schedule something later that afternoon. Find me a troll or a banshee. "
She sighed. "I didn't mean to upset you. "
"I'm not upset. " But it was a lie. My volume had increased without my realizing it, and I felt flushed.
Lara rose, shutting the laptop and picking up her plate. "Just get yourself better. We can figure this out then. Do you need a ride or anything tomorrow?"
"I'm not that sick," I told her. And, of course, I could always have my unlicensed teenage sister drive me. "We'll be back in business again soon, you'll see. "
Lara gave me a tight smile, trying to hide concern but failing. She wandered off to Tim's bedroom, and Jasmine sat up on the couch, where she'd overheard everything. "That's a good idea, you know," she said. "Sell this place. Just move to the Otherworld with the kids. "
I started to rebuke her but paused. It was an option. I'd have plenty of daycare there - a whole castle of babysitters. My daughters would be raised like royalty. They were royalty. But raising them there meant they'd probably lose whatever humanity was in them. They would be gentry for all intents and purposes. Was that what I wanted? It was already happening to me.
"They may be boys," I reminded Jasmine. "Then it's back to work. "
Kiyo called that night, wanting to know if I'd heard anything. I told him it was too soon for the results but that I'd let him know when the doctor called. It was a small lie. As I'd slipped to Lara, I was actually going back to the office for the results. Twins had popped me into a high-risk category, apparently, and along with delivering the results in person, they'd wanted to do another ultrasound. I didn't want Kiyo around for that, obviously, but I wouldn't have minded him coming over that night. I wanted the contact, the love. Most importantly, I wanted to feel like he wasn't repulsed by me in my current state.
When noon came the next day, I went like someone going to her own funeral. My mind was blank, unable to focus on anything, and Jasmine probably would have been a safer driver. She'd come along; there'd been no discussion. Neither of us spoke on the drive over, and I could see she was wound just as tightly with tension. Whatever happened, it was going to be big.
"Soon," I murmured as we walked in. "Soon this'll be over, one way or another. "
Or not so soon.
The office was running behind, and it was like the continuation of some cosmic joke. I'd been counting down the seconds until this moment, and now the wait was indefinite while Dr. Sartori caught up with his schedule. Admittedly, I'd never felt angry at doctors who fell behind. I figured it just meant they were giving needed time and care to their patients. Maybe he was tied up because some other woman had discovered she was having a world-conquering monster.
"Eugenie?" The sound of my name made me flinch. A nurse smiled serenely at me. "We're ready for you. "
It was a repeat of before, changing into a gown and getting on the examination table. This is it, this is it. Dr. Sartori was back, but a different tech worked today. Her name was Ruth, and she had a kindly, almost grandmotherly air that felt reassuring. Like she could maybe fix all this.
Dr. Sartori had a file of papers he began flipping through as Ruth lubed up my stomach. Again, I stared, still having a hard time believing there were two living beings in there.
"Well," he said. "I have good news. "
Jasmine made a sound that almost sounded like a laugh. A bitter one, that is. Like me, she knew there was little that was going to be good here. In fact, things soon got worse.
A knock sounded at the door, and the nurse I'd seen earlier stuck her head in. "I'm sorry to interrupt you," she said. Her eyes fell on me. "There's a man here who says he's your boyfriend and that he was running late for the exam. "
My mouth went dry. "Kiyo?" I managed.
"That's him. I'll go get him. "
She'd taken my ID of Kiyo as confirmation and acceptance. I opened my mouth to protest, but she was gone. I started to tell one of the others to go stop her, but by that point, Ruth's paddle had made contact. The screen again showed shadowy forms, and the sound of those rapid heartbeats filled the room.
"There they are," said Dr. Sartori. "We can wait for your boyfriend before getting to the results. "
"No, we - "
The nurse returned with Kiyo, who was all charm and smiles as he
introduced himself. "Sorry I'm late. I had the time wrong. Lara corrected me. " That last part was to me, and despite the pleasant expression on his face, I saw a hard look in his eyes. He didn't like the deception. I had kept this from him, lying about when I'd get the results.
How had he found me? Lara had known the time but not the place. For a moment, I thought Jasmine might be playing a game, but her face showed shock and wariness at his arrival. She was as surprised as me. The referral, I realized. He'd read it before and knew which doctor I was seeing.
"Well, then," continued Dr. Sartori. "Now that we're all here, we can go over everything. You can rest easy about your family history. No trace of anything abnormal in either one. Both of the fetuses' genetic tests came back fine. "
It was a sign of Kiyo's self-control that he said nothing because I could have sworn the word both? was on his lips. His only reaction was another sharp look at me, his expression growing darker as he realized what I'd been hiding. The doctor and tech were watching the monitor, so they didn't see what Jasmine and I did.
"And you know . . . you know the gender?" I asked.
Dr. Sartori nodded. "You can't actually see it on the ultrasound now, but the one Ruth's got a close-up of now . . . that's a girl. " I exhaled in relief, and yet . . . somehow, I knew what his next words would be as Ruth shifted to the other amorphous blob. "And this one's a boy. "
Silence so cold and so heavy fell that I couldn't believe neither of the office's staff noticed the lack of joy this news was receiving.
"A girl," said Kiyo. "And a boy. "
Dr. Sartori nodded, flipping through a few more pages. "Based on what you've told us and what we can see, we're putting your due date around the end of October. Although, with twins, you're at a higher risk for early delivery, so we'll be seeing you more often than in a normal pregnancy. And while this test gives us a lot of info, it doesn't tell everything, so you'll have others soon. You haven't had any pain since the CVS, have you? Any reactions?"
"No," I said flatly. My eyes were on those images, my world dominated by those heartbeats.
"Good. You'll still want to take it easy to avoid any miscarriage risk. "
He went over a few more issues, told me when to come back, and then asked if we had any questions. I half-expected Kiyo to ask for an abortion then and there, but he was still biting back his words. It was going to be a for later conversation, I knew.
Ruth cleaned me up and then retreated with the doctor. They gestured Kiyo along with them. "It's crowded," said Dr. Sartori good-naturedly. "You can meet up in the waiting room to schedule your next appointment. "
"Yes," said Kiyo, eyes boring into me. "We'll talk out there. "
I forced a pained smile, and Jasmine turned anxiously toward me the second the door shut. "He is pissed," she said.
"I know. You don't have to tell me. "
I pulled on my clothes, my limbs feeling leaden. "Oh God. I can't believe this is happening. Why? Why did I defy the odds? It was a one in three chance. One in three!" My voice was turning hysterical, as I begged this teen girl for answers. "All girls. All boys. Either was more likely than this. Why couldn't it have been one of those? Why couldn't we have had an easy fix?"
Jasmine's face was solemn. "But you do. You said if one was a boy, you'd still have an abortion. You said you'd do it. " There was a challenge in her voice.
I finished putting on my shoes and looked away from her. The monitor was black, the room silent, but I could still hear the heartbeats in my head. If I had an abortion to ensure the prophecy wasn't fulfilled, I'd be taking an innocent life. My daughter - that concept was still crazy to me - had no part in this. It wasn't her fault her brother was destined for blood and destruction. Really, was it even his fault? There was hardly anything to him yet. Just a shadow. And a heartbeat. How could you dictate the future of someone not even born? How could you know what he would turn into? Was anyone's potential really set in stone?
And how could I be the one to kill that potential?
How could I silence that heartbeat?
Either of them.
"Eugenie?" Jasmine's voice was puzzled. "You're going to do it, right?"
I lifted my eyes from my feet. "I - I don't know. "
"You have to. "
A new voice spoke in the room. My skin tingled, and suddenly, Deanna materialized before us. I jumped. In light of everything else that had been happening in my life, she'd kind of gone off my radar. I'd left her in Enrique's hands and assumed that everything was settled with her when she hadn't answered my summoning.
"What the hell?" I demanded. "What are you doing here?" So much for her moving on.
Deanna looked like she always did, wearing that desolate look ghosts so often had.
"You have to," she repeated, ignoring my questions. Her expression grew bleaker. "If you don't get rid of your children, Kiyo will kill you. "