then they’ll find their guy.”
I turned that over in my head. “But what if there isn’t a motive?”
Dr. Oliver leaned forward, the chair creaking under the shift in his weight. “Thrill killers are rare, Ella. There’s almost always a motive. And most times it’s what’s staring us right in the face.”
A chill tiptoed down my spine.
“I want to see you in three weeks,” he said, reclining back. “Just in case you’re not okay. Now get out of my office.” He smiled. “Wife is making spaghetti for dinner. I don’t want to be late.”
I grinned at him in spite of the coldness his observation had left behind. “All right. Bye.”
Leaving the office with my brand spanking new sleeping pill script in the pocket of my jeans, I slipped out the door, closing it behind me quietly. I headed down the hall, reading over the prescription. Sleeping pills. Would I take them? As haggard as I looked, I needed to.
Last night I’d slept pretty good. Even waking up as early as I did, I’d still gotten more sleep than I had in days. But it wasn’t like Jensen could be my little bed-buddy forever.
Of course, I immediately thought of this morning, of how he felt against me, and then at lunch, when he…. Face burning, I slapped my hands over my cheeks as I turned the corner and walked right into someone.
Swallowing a shriek, I stumbled back, smacking into the wall behind me. Strong hands settled on my shoulders, steadying me.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Gavin asked.
I pressed my hands, script and all, to my chest. “Oh my God, you scared me.”
“Well, you were walking around the corner with your hands over your face. I doubt you would’ve seen anyone.” A slight smile appeared. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I just wasn’t paying attention.” Looking up, I took in the pale complexion and the deep shadows under his eyes. “Are you okay?”
His brows knitted together. “Of course I am.”
“You look…”
“Tired?” he supplied, and a dry laugh rattled from him. “Well, as you know, school’s been a bit of a bitch this week.”
I winced. “Sorry. I really am that you’re going through this. It’s not fair.”
“Yeah, but I think Vee got the really unfair end of the deal.”
“True.” My stomach tumbled a bit.
Gavin’s hands were still on my shoulders. “What are you doing here? Are you seeing Dr. Oliver again?”
I nodded. “Yeah, after everything Mom thought it would be a good idea.” I panted the pocket of my jeans. “I haven’t been sleeping well and I…” Then it hit me. I frowned. “What are you doing here?”
“Helping the parents. They’re cleaning offices. I’m stuck with them for the evening.” His fingers curled over my shoulders, tangling in my hair. “Actually, I’m glad I ran into you. Maybe we could grab something to eat. I’m sure my parents would understand.”
“Oh, I…”
“I really could use a friend right now.”
Heart hurting. I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tight as sympathy choked me. “I know, but I can’t tonight. What about tomorrow after school?”
Gavin’s arms circled me, and he dropped his chin to the top of my head. His chest rose with a deep breath. “What are you doing tonight?”
“Um, I’m going to get a smoothie with Jensen,” I said, and Gavin immediately stiffened against me. “He brought me here. He’s waiting outside.”
“He’s waiting for you,” he repeatedly slowly. He drew back, dropping his arms. “So, are you and Jensen a thing?”
“What? No.” I tucked my hair back behind my ear. That was definitely not true. We were definitely something. “That doesn’t matter, Gavin. We can do something tomorrow. Or maybe later tonight if—”
“Forget it.” Gavin wheeled around. “I’ll see you later.”
“Wait.” I pushed off the wall, following him down the silent hall. “Gavin, come on. Don’t—”
“Don’t what?” He spun on me, face mottled. “Don’t drop one for the other? Because isn’t that what you’re doing? You dropped me at the end of last year, and now you’re hooking up with Jensen?”
I gaped at him. “Wait. It’s not like that at all.”
“It isn’t? Could’ve fooled me. After all, you have a habit of doing this, right? You and Jensen both. Always moving on to something better. Isn’t that what you did to Penn? And isn’t that what Jensen did to you?”
Getting slapped in the face would’ve felt better. Tears raced up my throat as I shook my head. He looked at me a second longer and said, “You two are really perfect for one another. Have at it.”
Chapter 15
Later that night, after sharing a cup of warm tea and telling her about my appointment with Dr. Oliver, I tugged the blankets back from my bed. A slight citrusy scent clung to the sheets.
As gross as it sounded, I’d have a hard time changing my sheets after this.
The script Dr. Oliver had written me sat on my desk, and I wasn’t sure yet if I’d get it filled. Yes, I wanted to sleep the entire night, but those things knocked me the hell out and waking up from them always took an ungodly amount of time.
After changing into my pajamas, I went into the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and did my nightly routine. I stepped back into my bedroom and stared at the bed. I took a deep breath and—
A soft knock on my bedroom window caused me to jump at least a foot into the air. I smacked my hand over my mouth. What in the hell? Rooted to where I stood, I wondered if I was hearing things.
The quiet tapping came again.
Okay. The likelihood of a killer tapping on my window to come in had to be rare. That’s what I told myself as I crept over to my window. Slowly, I pulled the curtains back.
My heart leapt in my chest.
On the other side of my window, Jensen was perched on my roof. Grinning as if this wasn’t abnormal or anything, he pointed at the windowsill.
For a moment, all I could do was stare at him and then I glanced over my shoulder. My bedroom door was shut, but if Mom came in here….
It would not be pretty.
But I couldn’t leave Jensen out on my roof. That would be… um, wrong. Shaking my head, I slowly eased open the window. “What are you doing?” I whispered.
“Watching the stars,” he whispered back, eyes glittering in the darkness.
I narrowed my eyes. “On my roof?”
“Why not?”
All I could do was stare at him.
“What?” His grin turned mischievous as he gripped the edges of the window. “Your roof is better than mine. And you know what else is?”
“What?”
“Your mother’s hearing is better than mine. So you should let me in before she catches me on her roof.”
I had no idea how him being inside my room would mean that my mom wouldn’t hear him, but I found myself stepping aside. Within the span of five seconds, he was inside my room, standing up fluidly and coming to his full height.
The first thing that I noticed now that he was inside my room, in the light, was that he was dressed for bed. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
Reaching around me, he grabbed the remote and turned on my TV. The volume muted our conversation. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“That’s why God made cellphones, Jensen.”
His chin dipped as he stared up at me through thick lashes. “Silly Ella, God didn’t make cellphones. Some extremely brilliant nerd probably did.”
Rolling my eyes, I slapped his arm. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“Where should I be?” He took a step toward me.
I took a step back. “Not in my bedroom this late.”
“Hmm…” He advanced on me, backing me up until I was pressed against the door. “But guess what else is better than mine?”
My heart pounded in my chest as he placed one hand beside my head. I stared at his arm, taking in the rope
y muscle that disappeared under the sleeve of his shirt. “What?”
His head dropped low, his voice a shiver against my ear. “Your bed is so much better than mine.”
I bit down on my lip as his mouth brushed my earlobe. “I’m sure that’s not the case.”
“It is.” He reached around me again. A second later I heard the door lock, and blood thundered through my veins. “Did Gavin come over?”
I’d told him about running into Gavin when I was leaving Dr. Oliver’s office. “No. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer.”
“I’m not surprised.” His hand settled on the curve of my hip.
“You’re not?” The material of my sleep shorts was thin, and the heat of his touch was like a brand on my skin.
“Nope.” His lips now brushed the sensitive spot below my ear, and I swore my knees went weak. “He doesn’t like that you and I are together.”
There was a hummingbird in my chest. The fluttering returned with a vengeance. “We are not together.”
“Aren’t we?”
My breath caught as his hand slid up, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. His hand skated over my ribs.
Jensen’s deep, low chuckle traveled across my throat. “We are most definitely together. We just haven’t worked out the specifics of our together-ness.”
“Together-ness is not a word.”
“Now it is.” His hand slipped over the door and cradled my cheek. He tipped my head back, and I thought my heart would burst from my chest. “So let’s talk about the specifics.”
My eyes locked onto his, and I couldn’t look away. “Couldn’t this conversation wait?”
“Nope.”
“You’re going to get us in so much trouble.”
“Where’s the fun in anything if there’s no risk?” His head dipped once more, and he placed a quick kiss against my wildly beating pulse. “And don’t try to distract me. I’m on a mission. I want you.”
My stomach did a backflip.
His eyes met mine once more as his hand dropped from my cheek to the other side of my ribs. He lifted me up as he pressed in, sliding one leg between mine. My hands clamped down on his shoulders at the shock of him.
“And you want me,” he murmured.
My fingers curled into his shirt. There was no denying that. Very few people in the universe would deny that. “I’m not into being friends with benefits,” I whispered.
“Good. Because neither am I. Not with you,” he added, his thumbs moving in slow circles. “Here’s another specific. I don’t share. It’s just me. You.”
“Do you think I normally date more than one person at a time?”
“No.” His lips pressed against my cheek. “But I just want to clarify that. And you know what else I want?”
By the way his body was pressed against mine, I had a pretty good idea of what he wanted. The same thing Gavin had wanted from me, but I hadn’t been ready to give.
“Ask me,” he said.
My breath shuddered. “What?”
“I want to be that guy—the one that when your phone rings you hope it’s me. The one who holds your hand in the hallway and at lunch, and the guy who gets to hold you. I want to be the one who gets to touch you,” he whispered against my cheek. “I want to be yours.”
There was a swift swelling in my chest, and if he wasn’t holding onto me, I knew I’d float right up to the ceiling. His words… they were beautiful. Possibly the most poignant words a guy had ever spoken to me considering most were like hey, nice butt. I doubted that Dr. Oliver had meant all of this when he talked about Jensen and I reconnecting, but I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t want this, that I didn’t want to take those words and hold them close to my heart.
But I had wanted it before—before I really understood any of what I was feeling—and he had hurt me. “Jensen, I…”
“Don’t tell me what you’re thinking yet.”
My eyes searched his. “When do you want me to tell you?”
“In a minute.”
An eyebrow rose. “In a—?”
Jensen’s mouth was on mine before I could finish the thought. It was a whisper of lips, a brushing of his against mine, as if he were mapping out the feel, testing my response. When I didn’t turn away, he swept his lips across mine once more, and this time he kissed me.
He really kissed me, and I was swimming in raw emotions, swept away in a tide made of him and me and everything in our past and everything that could be our future. I kissed him back, following his lead, and his hands slid to my waist, and there was no space between our bodies.
Holding me against him, he exhaled a soft moan, and his lips seared mine. He kissed me until we both were breathless, until my fingers wrapped around the soft hair at the nape of his neck.
Jensen pulled back, resting his forehead against mine. His chest rose and fell in rapid, shallow breaths. “Now,” his voice was deep, gruff. “Tell me what you’re thinking now.”
My brain cells had been blown. “I can’t think.”
I felt his cheek rise in a half smile as he reached up, turning off my bedroom light. Then he went for my hand. Taking it in his, he pulled me away from the door, to the bed. Down we went, our legs and arms tangled together, and my heart pounding so fast. We lay facing each other, his breath warm against the top of my head, his heart drumming solidly under my hands.
“Can you think now?” he asked.
My brain was slow to come back online. The pleasant haze his kisses left behind clouded my thoughts. How close we were didn’t help either. My lashes lifted and my eyes met his. He was watching me as if I was something valuable in his life, to be cherished, and it was how he’d always looked at me in the past.
In that moment, the past intruded like an old friend you no longer had anything in common with. As I stared into the pale blue eyes, I suddenly wasn’t sure about any of this, because there was so much between us.
Jensen seemed to sense the shift in me. “You are thinking.”
“I am.” It was hard to say the next words, because for so long I’d done nothing but run and hide from the past and from all the hurt. I couldn’t anymore. “There’s a lot… between us, Jensen.” My voice was low as I spoke. “And you say you want me, but you hurt me before. You… embarrassed me. I know it was a long time ago, but it’s hard to let go of that.”
He held my gaze for a moment and then rolled onto his back. Staring up at the ceiling, he cursed under his breath, the sound so self- deprecating. “You’re thinking about that night.”
The night. The stupid dance.
I didn’t like to think about it, because after everything with Penn, after all the years Jensen and I had known each other, he had made an absolute fool out of me before moving away.
“Yeah,” I murmured, watching his profile. “I just don’t understand. We were really just kids, but why… why did you do it?”
Jensen didn’t answer and in the silence, my mind whirled back several years, when he invited me to the stupid Valentine’s Day dance that it meant he liked me, too. Granted we were, like thirteen, but the dance had been a big deal. He had asked me at lunch, in front of Brock, Mason, the girls, and Gavin.
Even in front of the lunch lady with the frizzy hair.
I had my mom buy me this ridiculous pink dress, and I had gotten my hair done, and then the night of the dance, Dad had dropped me off and Jensen… well, he never showed up. Everyone thought it was a prank. Gavin thought he’d done to me what we had done to Penn a year earlier, trading me in for something better. And Jensen had never told me why. Of course, I hadn’t given him