He adjusts his position on the stool, and our legs brush together again. He smiles. "What's your story, Auburn?"
Here we go. The moment when I usually call it a night before the night even gets started.
"Whoa," he says. "What's the look for?"
I realize I must be frowning when he says this. "My story is that I have a very private life and I don't like to talk about it."
He smiles, which isn't the reaction I was expecting. "Sounds a lot like my story."
Harrison is back with the drinks, saving us from what was about to become a failed conversation. We both take a drink at the same time, but his goes down a whole lot smoother than mine does. Despite being underage, I've had a few drinks in the past with friends back in Portland, but this is a tad strong for my taste. I cover my mouth to cough and Owen, of course, smiles again.
"Well, since neither of us feels like talking at all, do you at least dance?" He glances over my shoulder at the small, empty dance floor on the opposite side of the room.
I immediately shake my head.
"How did I know that would be your answer?" He stands up. "Come on."
I shake my head again and almost instantly, my mood changes. There's no way I'm dancing with him, especially to whatever slow song just started playing. He grabs my hand and tries to pull me up, but I'm gripping my chair with my other hand, ready to fight him off if I have to.
"You really don't want to dance?" he asks.
"I really don't want to dance."
He stares at me for a few quiet seconds and then takes a seat back in his chair. He leans forward and motions for me to come closer. He still has hold of my hand, and I feel his thumb brush slightly over mine. He continues to lean toward me until his mouth is close to my ear. "Ten seconds," he whispers. "Just give me ten seconds on the dance floor. If you still don't want to dance with me after my time is up, you can walk away."
There are chills on my arms and legs and neck, and his voice is so soothing and convincing, I can feel myself nodding before I even know what I'm agreeing to.
But ten seconds is simple. Ten seconds I can do. Ten seconds isn't enough time to embarrass myself. And after his time is up, I'll come back and sit down and he'll leave me alone about dancing, hopefully.
He's standing again, pulling me toward the dance floor. I'm relieved the place is relatively empty. Even though we'll be the only ones dancing, the place is deserted enough that I won't feel like I'm the center of attention.
We reach the dance floor and he slips a hand to my lower back.
"One," I whisper.
He smiles when he realizes I'm actually counting. He uses his other hand to position my hands around his neck. I've seen couples dance enough to know how to stand, at least.
"Two."
He shakes his head with a laugh and wraps his free hand around my lower back, pulling me against him.
"Three."
He begins to sway, and this is where dancing becomes confusing to me. I have no idea what to do next. I look down at our feet, hoping to get an idea of what I'm supposed to do with mine. He rests his forehead against mine and also looks down at our feet. "Just follow my lead," he says. His hands slide to my waist and he gently guides my hips in the direction he wants me to move.
"Four," I whisper as I move with him.
I can feel him relaxing just a little bit when he sees I've got it down. His hands slip to my back once again and he pulls me even closer. Naturally, my arms loosen slightly and I lean into him.
His smell is intoxicating and before I realize what I'm doing, my eyes are closed and I'm inhaling the scent of him. He still smells like he just stepped out of the shower, even though it's been hours.
I think I like dancing.
It feels very natural, as if dancing is part of a human's biological purpose.
It's a lot like sex, actually. I have about as much experience with sex as I do with dancing, but I definitely remember every moment I spent with Adam. It can be very intimate, the way two bodies come together and somehow know exactly what to do and exactly how to fit while doing it.
I can feel my pulse getting faster and warmth spreading over me, and it's been so long since I've felt this way. I wonder if it's the dancing that's doing this to me or if it's Owen. I've never slow-danced before, so I have no other dance to compare it to. The only thing I have to measure this feeling against is the way Adam used to make me feel, and this is pretty close to that. It's been a long time since I've wanted someone to kiss me.
Or maybe it's just been a long time since I've allowed myself to feel this way.
Owen lifts his hand to the back of my head and lowers his mouth to my ear. "It's been ten seconds," he whispers. "Do you want to stop?"
I shake my head softly.
I can't see his face, but I know he's smiling. He pulls me against his chest and rests his chin on top of my head. I close my eyes and breathe him in again.
We dance like this until the song ends, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to let go first or if he's supposed to let go first, but neither of us does. Another song begins and luckily, it's slow like the last one, so we just keep moving as though the first song never ended.
I don't know when Owen began moving his hand away from the back of my head, but it's slowly moving down my back, making my arms and legs feel so weak, I question their existence. I find myself wishing he would pick me up and carry me, preferably straight to his bed.
His initials are very appropriate for the way he's making me feel right now. I want to whisper, "OMG," over and over.
I pull away from his chest and look up at him. He's not smiling right now. He's piercing me with eyes that seem a thousand shades darker than when we walked into this bar.
I unlock my hands, and I slide one against his neck. I'm surprised I feel comfortable enough to do this, and even more surprised by his reaction. He exhales softly and I can feel the chills erupt over the skin on his neck as his eyes fall shut and his forehead meets mine.
"I'm pretty sure I just fell in love with this song," he says. "And I hate this song."
I laugh a little and he pulls me closer, resting my head against his chest. We don't speak, and we don't stop dancing until the song ends. The third song begins to play and it isn't something I'm willing to dance to, considering it's not a slow song. When we both accept that the dance is over, we inhale simultaneous breaths and begin to separate.
His expression is full of concentrated intent, and as much as I like his smile, I also really like it when he looks at me like this. My arms leave his neck and his hands leave my waist and we're both standing on the dance floor, staring at each other awkwardly, and I'm not sure what to do now.
"The thing about dancing," he says, folding his arms across his chest, "is that no matter how good it feels when you're doing it, it's always extremely awkward when it's over."
It makes me feel good to know that it's not just me who doesn't know what to do now. His hand touches my shoulder, and he urges me back toward the bar. "We have drinks to finish."
"And fries to eat," I add.
He didn't ask me to dance again. In fact, as soon as we got back to the bar, he seemed like he was in a hurry to get out of there. I ate most of the fries while he chatted with Harrison a little more. He could tell I wasn't really digging my drink, so he finished it for me. Now we're walking back outside and it feels a little bit awkward again, like when the dance came to an end. Only now, it's the entire night that's coming to an end, and I hate that I really don't want to say good-bye to him yet. But I'm certainly not about to suggest we go back to his studio.
"Which way is your place?" he asks.
My eyes swing to his and I'm shocked by his forwardness. "You aren't coming over," I immediately say.
"Auburn," he says, laughing, "it's late. I'm offering to walk you home, not asking to spend the night."
I inhale, embarrassed at my assumption. "Oh." I point to the right. "I'm about fifteen blocks that way."
He smiles and waves
a hand in that direction, and we both begin walking. "But if I were asking to spend the night . . ."
I laugh and push him playfully. "I would tell you to fuck off."
CHAPTER FOUR
Owen
If I were eleven years old again, I would shake my Magic 8 Ball and ask it silly questions, like "Does Auburn Mason Reed like me? Does she think I'm cute?"
And I might be making assumptions based on the way she's looking at me right now, but I expect the answer would be "It is decidedly so."
We continue walking away from the bar, toward her apartment, and considering it's quite a few blocks away, I can probably think of enough questions between here and there to get to know her a whole lot better. The one thing I've been wanting to know most since I saw her standing in front of my studio tonight is why she's back in Texas.
"You never told me why you moved to Texas."
She looks alarmed by my comment, but I don't know why. "I never told you I wasn't from Texas."
I smile to cover up my mistake. I shouldn't know she isn't from Texas, because as far as she knows, I know nothing about her other than what she's told me tonight. I do my best to hide what's really going through my head, because if I were to come clean with her now, it would make me look like I've been hiding something from her for the majority of the night. I have, but it's too late for me to admit that now. "You didn't have to tell me. Your accent told me."
She watches me closely, and I can tell she's not going to answer my question, so I think of a different question to replace that one, but the next question is even more rushed. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
She quickly looks away and it makes my heart sting because for some reason, she looks guilty. I assume this means she does have a boyfriend, and dances like the one I just shared with her shouldn't happen with girls who have boyfriends.
"No."
My heart instantly feels better. I smile again, for about the millionth time since I first saw her at my door tonight. I don't know if she knows this about me yet, but I hardly ever smile.
I wait for her to ask me a question, but she's quiet. "Are you gonna ask me if I have a girlfriend?"
She laughs. "No. She broke up with you last week."
Oh, yeah. I forgot we've already visited this subject. "Lucky me."
"That's not very nice," she says with a frown. "I'm sure it was a hard decision for her."
I disagree with a shake of my head. "It was an easy decision for her. It's an easy decision for all of them."
She pauses for a second or two, eyeing me warily before she begins walking again. "All of them?"
I realize this doesn't make me sound good, but I'm not about to lie to her. Plus, if I tell her the truth, she might continue to trust me and ask me even more questions.
"Yes. I get broken up with a lot."
She squints her eyes and scrunches her nose up at my response. "Why do you think that is, Owen?"
I try to pad the harshness of the sentence about to come out of my mouth by speaking softer, but it's not a fact I necessarily want to admit to her. "I'm not a very good boyfriend."
She looks away, probably not wanting me to see the disappointment in her eyes. I saw it anyway, though. "What makes you a bad boyfriend?"
I'm sure there are lots of reasons, but I focus on the most obvious answers. "I put a lot of other things before my relationships. For most girls, not being a priority is a pretty good reason to end things."
I glance at her to see if she's still frowning or if she's judging me. Instead, she has a thoughtful look on her face and she's nodding.
"So Hannah broke up with you because you wouldn't make time for her?"
"That's what it boiled down to, yes."
"How long were the two of you together?"
"Not long. A few months. Three, maybe."
"Did you love her?"
I want to look at her, to see the look on her face after she asks me this question, but I don't want her to see the look on my face. I don't want her to think my frown means I'm heartbroken, because I'm not. If anything, I'm sad that I couldn't love her.
"I think love is a hard word to define," I say to her. "You can love a lot of things about a person but still not love the whole person."
"Did you cry?"
Her question makes me laugh. "No, I didn't cry. I was pissed. I get involved with these girls who claim they can handle it when I need to lock myself up for a week at a time. Then when it actually happens, we spend the time we are together fighting about how I love my art more than I love them."
She turns and walks backward so she can peg me with her stare. "Do you? Love your art more?"
I look straight at her this time. "Absolutely."
Her lips curl up into a hesitant grin, and I don't know why this answer pleases her. It disturbs most people. I should be able to love people more than I love to create, but so far that hasn't happened yet.
"What's the best anonymous confession you've ever received?"
We haven't been walking long. We aren't even to the end of the street, but the question she just asked could open up a conversation that could last for days.
"That's a tough one."
"Do you keep all of them?"
I nod. "I've never thrown one away. Even the awful ones."
This gets her attention. "Define awful."
I glance over my shoulder to the end of the street and look at my studio. I don't know why the thought to show her even crosses my mind, because I've never shared the confessions with anyone.
But she isn't just anyone.
When I look at her again, her eyes are hopeful. "I can show you some," I say.
Her smile widens with my words, and she immediately stops heading in the direction of her apartment in favor of my studio.
Once upstairs, I open the door and let her cross the threshold that has, up to this point, only been crossed by me. This is the room I paint in. This is the room I keep the confessions in. This is the room that is the most private part of me. In a way, I guess you could say this room holds my confession.
There are several paintings in here I've never shown anyone. Paintings that will never see the light of day--like the one she's looking at right now.
She touches the canvas and runs her fingers over the face of the man in the picture. She traces his eyes, his nose, his lips. "This isn't a confession," she says, reading the piece of paper attached to it. She glances at me. "Who is this?"
I walk to where she is and stare at the picture with her. "My father."
She gasps quietly, running her fingers over the words written on the slip of paper. "What does Nothing but Blues mean?"
Her fingers are now trailing over the sharp white lines in the painting and I wonder if anyone has ever told her that artists don't like it when you touch their paintings.
That's not true in this case, because I want to watch her touch every single one of them. I love how she can't seem to look at one without feeling it with both her eyes and her hands. She looks up at me expectantly, waiting for me to explain what the title of this one means.
"It means nothing but lies." I walk away before she can see the expression on my face. I lift the three boxes I keep in the corner and take them to the center of the room. I take a seat on the concrete floor and motion for her to do the same.
She sits cross-legged in front of me with the boxes stacked between us. I take the two smaller boxes off the top and set them aside, then open the lid on the larger box. She peeks inside and shoves her hand into the pile of confessions, pulling out a random one. She reads it out loud.
" 'I've lost over one hundred pounds in the past year. Everyone thinks it's because I've discovered a new healthy way of living, but really it's because I suffer from depression and anxiety and I don't want anyone to know.' "
She places the confession back in the box and grabs another. "Will you ever use any of these for paintings? Is that why you keep them in here?"
I shake my head. "This is where I keep
the ones I've seen in one form or another before. People's secrets are a lot alike, surprisingly."
She reads another. " 'I hate animals. Sometimes when my husband brings home a new puppy for our children, I'll wait a few days and then drop it off miles from our house. Then I pretend it ran away.' "
She frowns at that confession.
"Jesus," she says, picking up several more. "How do you retain faith in humanity after reading these every day?"
"Easy," I say. "It actually makes me appreciate people more, knowing we all have this amazing ability to put on a front. Especially to those closest to us."
She stops reading the confession in her hands and her eyes meet mine. "You're amazed that people can lie so well?"
I shake my head. "No. Just relieved to know that everyone does it. Makes me feel like maybe my life isn't as fucked up as I thought it was."
She regards me with a quiet smile and continues sifting through the box. I watch her. Some of the confessions make her laugh. Some make her frown. Some make her wish she'd never read them.
"What's the worst one you've ever received?"
I knew this was coming. I almost wish I had lied to her and said I throw a lot of them away, but instead I point to the smaller box. She leans forward and touches it, but she doesn't pull it toward her.
"What's in here?"
"The confessions I never want to read again."
She looks down at the box and slowly pulls the lid off of it. She grabs one of the confessions from the top. " 'My father has been . . .' " Her voice grows weak and she looks up at me with daunting sadness. I can see the gentle roll of her throat as she swallows and then looks back down to the confession. " 'My father has been having sex with me since I was eight years old. I'm thirty-three now and married with children of my own, but I'm still too scared to say no to him.' "
She doesn't just place this confession back into the box. She crumples it up into a tight fist and she throws the confession at the box, like she's angry at it. She puts the lid back on it and shoves the box several feet away. I can see that she hates that box as much as I do.
"Here," I say, handing her the box she hasn't opened. "Read a couple of these. You'll feel better."
She hesitantly removes one of the confessions. Before she reads it, she straightens up and stretches her back, and then inhales a deep breath.