“Yes!” I don’t know why I didn’t think about inviting him before. “You’re going to die when you see Benny’s house. It’s ah-mazing.”
A small sound escapes Cam’s mouth, but I ignore her.
“I’d love to,” Taylor says as he puts his arm around me.
“But be careful with that one,” Benny warns Taylor. “Sure she looks all sweet and innocent, but get her on a Ms. Pac-Man game and she’ll tear your limb off if you so much as talk to her while she’s playing.”
“You were distracting me on purpose,” I defend myself.
“He does like to do that, huh?” Chris says, nudging Benny playfully.
I can’t get over how the four of us are bantering back and forth like we’ve known one another for years. I try to get Cam involved in the conversation, but she just gives one-word answers. She excuses herself early, citing some test she has to study for.
Chris and Taylor don’t know any better, but I know Cam. She never leaves anything early to go study.
But I’ll get to the bottom of that later. Right now, I’m enjoying my little double date.
Cam’s waiting by my locker after school. I don’t even bother to give her much of a smile, because I’m not over how rude she was to Taylor at lunch. And I have a feeling that tomorrow night will be even more awkward.
“Hey,” she says quietly.
“Hey,” I reply back, waiting for her apology.
“So, I don’t think I’m going to come to Benny’s tomorrow night.” She folds her arms like she’s making some sort of stand.
“Why don’t you like Taylor?” I blurt out.
She gives me a weird look. “I don’t dislike Taylor,” she tells me. Or at least that’s what her mouth says; her eyes are telling me a different story.
“Yes, you do.” I haven’t been a fan of some of the guys Cam’s been into, but I’ve kept my mouth shut until she’s been ready to hear what I have to say. Usually I don’t even need to say a word — the second the guy does something jerky, she dumps him.
She lets out a little sigh. “Honestly, I don’t have any problems with Taylor. He seems like a good guy.” I grimace at her. “But I have to admit that I do question his motives.”
She’s lost me. “What do you mean motives?”
“He never really paid much attention to you, and then you become a fancy version of yourself and suddenly you seem to matter. It’s a little insulting.”
“Well, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to show up in sweats and no makeup and see how he reacts? Did you ever think that maybe I like to dress up? That I like to wear makeup?”
To be honest, I don’t like to wear this much makeup. But I’ve started to get breakouts from using all these different products on my face. So now I need more makeup to cover up the red bumps and splotches. It’s a vicious cycle.
I find myself getting increasingly upset at Cam, and a little out of sorts because what she said is technically true. Taylor didn’t pay attention to me until I glammed up. But so what? I was a drab version of myself — why would he want to be with someone like that? It’s no wonder guys would never give me the time of day.
“I can’t believe that you, out of all people, aren’t happy for me.” I point my finger accusingly at her. “I’m finally out of this rut I’ve been in for years. Because this is more like how I used to be before everything in my life flipped upside down. Dad left. Mom got fat. I got a bratty sister. And, let’s face it, I gave up on thinking that anything good would happen to me, that I could get what I want. I went through the motions. I thought my only hope for happiness was to move to New York. So really, who gives a flying crap if I want to wear some makeup and try to look nice?” My voice cracks and I realize that I’m on the verge of tears.
Cam takes a defensive step back. “I do realize what you’ve been through and how hard things have been for you.” She steps forward and holds my hand. “Please don’t be upset. I have no problem with what you’re doing. I think you need to do whatever makes you feel better. And I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything about Taylor. He really does seem nice.”
I feel awful. I shouldn’t have snapped at Cam. Both she and Benny have been nothing but supportive of me through everything I’ve been through. And not just Post-Makeover Lexi. They’re the ones who’ve been by my side through all the family drama and breakdowns.
“Please come tomorrow night,” I say. I know I thought it would be awkward with her, but now it would be even more awkward without her. Plus, if she spent more time with Taylor and me, then maybe she’d see that there’s more substance to our relationship than merely looks.
Cam looks down at the floor. “I’d feel like a fifth wheel.”
Lexi, you idiot.
I’ve been so focused on me and my life that I never once stopped and considered how Cam feels with all these changes.
“I’m so sorry, Cam, I didn’t think …”
She waves me away. “It’s totally fine, Lex. Yeah, I feel a little left out, but I’m happy for you and Benny, I really am. I just think that maybe you guys would have a better time without me.”
“That’s not possible.”
She gives me a genuine smile. “Really, it’s fine. I want you guys to have fun, and this way I can get my parents off my back and babysit so they can have a night out. It’s totally fine. You’re going to have a great time, and I can’t wait to hear all about it.”
I so don’t deserve Cam. She’s never once canceled plans on me when she’s had a boyfriend and what do I do? I’ve been dating a guy for a couple weeks and I’ve already made her feel left out.
“I’m seeing my dad on Saturday and have to work on Sunday, but let’s do something on Monday. Just the two of us. Okay?”
Cam agrees and, yet again, assures me that she’s okay. But I feel like I’ve let her down. I did the one pageant thing I swore I’d never do: Step on whoever to get to the top.
I can’t believe that this is my life. This evening with Benny, Chris, and Taylor feels like a dream.
I was a little nervous that Taylor wouldn’t be cool with Benny and Chris being together. I know Benny was being cautious so his parents wouldn’t think anything was going on, but as soon as we got to the game room, Chris took Benny’s hand, and it’s remained there for most of the evening. If Taylor’s uncomfortable, he’s not showing it. I didn’t realize how his approval would make me so happy. I couldn’t be with anybody who didn’t fully accept Benny for who he is.
We were supposed to watch a movie, but there hasn’t been a lull in the conversation. Everything flows like we’ve been hanging out for years. I don’t know why I’m so surprised to find out that Taylor has a lot in common with Benny and Chris. Taylor likes the same role-playing video game that Chris is into, and they’ve already made plans to play it this weekend. And Benny’s thrilled because Taylor also has an affinity for some old TV show about some guy who can diffuse a bomb with, like, a paper clip and duct tape. (Taylor’s aunt gave him the DVDs for his birthday last year and he’s apparently become obsessed.) I’m so excited to have Benny and Taylor engaged in such an enthusiastic conversation that I keep smiling and nodding … and apparently agree to watch a marathon next weekend.
This is one thing Benny and I do not see eye to eye on (and apparently now Taylor as well): All these old shows make me laugh. Everybody’s hair is like two feet high, and they’re all wearing shoulder pads and high-waisted pants. I’m so distracted by their outfits, I can’t pay attention to anything that’s coming out of their mouths.
Taylor doesn’t even mind that I may be insinuating that he’s a wimp when he lets Benny score two points against us while playing air hockey. Luckily, I’m able to subsequently crush Chris and earn the nickname Killer, which I’ll wear proudly. Somebody has to show the boys how it’s done.
Despite the fact that none of us wants the evening to end, the reality of my approaching curfew forces us to get ready to leave. Taylor holds my jacket open for me, while I see B
enny do the same for Chris. I smile at something that’s foreign to us both, yet familiar at the same time.
It’s all so perfect.
Well, truthfully it would be perfect if Cam were here. I know she thought it would be weird for her to come, but it’s not the same without her. Like there’s a part of me missing.
Chris gives each of us a hug as we say good-bye for the evening. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t think there’s a better way to start off the weekend.” I couldn’t agree more. I wish all Fridays could be like tonight. “What’s everybody up to tomorrow?”
Tomorrow.
My nearly perfect existence comes crashing down as I realize that I have to confront the biggest void in my life — my father.
The next morning, I get excited at each passing mile marker on the road to our meeting point, halfway between Dallas and Houston. I haven’t seen Dad in over two months. He only lives four hours away in Houston, but it might as well be Hawaii.
Whenever I haven’t seen him in a long time, it’s uncomfortable at first, almost like we’re strangers. He asks politely about school, work, and whatever fashion project I’m working on that week. I ask him questions about his work and life, and he’s always really vague. Like I’m too young to understand his life. I don’t know, maybe I am, but sometimes I wish it was like it used to be. Before Mackenzie was born. Before Mom became unreasonable.
When we were a family.
Not only am I excited to see Dad alone, but I can’t wait for him to meet Lexi 2.0. Back when I was Daddy’s Little Girl, I used to wear pretty cotton dresses and have ribbons in my hair. I was his little princess and the apple of his eye. I loved going to his office to bring him lunch: I could make a mean peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich when I was little. All his coworkers would fuss over me, tell me how adorable I was.
And then everything changed.
I shake off the negative thoughts as I pull into the parking lot of the café where we’re meeting. I see Dad’s car is already there. I practically run up the stairs to the door. I see Dad waiting for me at a corner table.
He looks up at me as I approach, gives me a slight smile, looks back at his menu … and then his head shoots right back up.
“Lexi?” Dad jumps up out of his chair and comes over to hug me. “Lexi, my princess, look at you! I almost didn’t recognize you!” He holds out his hands and twirls me around. “You look fantastic, sweetheart!”
“Thanks, Dad. I missed you.”
He gives me another hug. “Aww, I missed you, too.” He gestures toward the table for me to sit down.
“What’s going on with you? How’s school? How are Cameron and Benny?”
“It’s all really great, Dad.”
“I’m so happy for you, Lexi. I’ve got some news for you.”
“Really?”
Please say you’re moving back to Dallas. Please say you’re moving back to Dallas.
I’ve been holding on to this fantasy that one day he’d move back near us since he first walked out the door of our old house. I really don’t think I can stand living with Mom any longer. I want to move in with my dad. I want to start feeling like I belong somewhere. Like I have a home where I’m wanted.
I hold my breath for Dad’s big news.
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I’ve been wondering when a good time would be to tell you, but I’ve … I’ve met somebody.”
And all I can think is: What?
Followed by: How?
And then, as I am one-thousandth of the way to comprehending this: Who?
I don’t know why I’m so shocked. My dad’s a good-looking guy. It’s funny because I never really noticed any changes in my father growing up. But once I stopped seeing him on a daily basis, I started to notice the flecks of gray in his brown hair, the wrinkles that have started to form around his green eyes. Despite the signs of aging, his face is still slightly boyish. And of course there’s that smile, one that slowly came back after the separation. Now he’s beaming. Because he has someone new in his life.
He’s still waiting for my reaction.
“Um,” I say, “that’s great.” I guess that’s what you’re supposed to say when your father tells you he’s dating someone. I have no idea. I assume he’s dated since the divorce, but he’s never mentioned it before.
He goes on. “Maybe you can spend a weekend next month with us. I’d really like you to meet her.”
“I’d —”
Something hits me. He said that I should spend it with us.
It clicks. The Where?
“Are you living together?” I ask.
Dad studies me carefully before he nods. “She moved in a couple weeks ago. I planned on telling you about Kurstin during your last visit, but it got canceled.”
“Does Mom know?”
He shakes his head. “No. I didn’t want to tell you until it was serious.”
Oh. It was serious enough for them to move in together, but not to tell his oldest child?
“How long have you been dating?”
He’s got a huge smile on his face. “About six months.”
Six months? This person has been a part of my dad’s life for six months and he’s neglected to mention it to me. Am I even a part of his life anymore? I know I should be happy for him, but I can’t help but feel like I’m losing the last member of my family.
“Listen to me!” He laughs. “I’m telling you everything about me, but what about you? Anybody special in your life?”
“No.”
What’s the point of me telling him about Taylor? I figure I’ll wait until I get engaged and call him up and say, “Hey, Dad, so wanted to see if you’d be interested in coming up next weekend since I’m getting married.”
Of course my lack of a boyfriend is not news to Dad, so he doesn’t skip a beat. “Well, you’ll find someone special someday, Lex. You’re bright and have such a great personality.”
Are you even kidding me right now?
This whole day is turning out to be the exact opposite of what I wanted and needed. I decide to talk about the only subject that can’t be ruined: my future.
“Have you talked to Uncle Pat recently about New York?”
Dad’s brother lives in Stamford, Connecticut, and the plan is for me to stay with him this summer during the FIT program.
“Yes, he’s really excited to have you.”
At least I still have this going for me.
“Although …” My heart jumps into my throat. That “although” doesn’t sound like it’s good news. “… your mother is a little worried about the costs involved with the trip.”
I feel my entire body tense up. “I’m paying my own way. I have enough for my plane ticket, registration, supplies, mass transit, food….”
Dad smiles at me. “I know you do. I guess she’s concerned that maybe it’s too expensive and you should be saving your money for something else.”
“Like what? Dresses for Mackenzie? A new set of dentures for her seven-year-old mouth? More hairpieces? More photos?” I throw my menu down. We haven’t even had a chance to order lunch yet, and we’re already on my least favorite topic.
“Whoa.” Dad pats my hand. “No one is saying you should spend your money on your sister.”
No one at this table.
“Look.” Dad picks up my menu and hands it back to me. “Let’s order some food and then talk about whatever else you want to talk about. We don’t have to talk about the pageants, money, or your mother. This is our time together, I don’t want anything to ruin it.”
Yeah, too late.
Plus, what I want to talk to him about has to do with pageants, money, and Mom. I figure it’s time to go for broke.
“Sorry, it’s just … things are pretty bad at home. And that’s what I kind of wanted to talk to you about.”
Dad leans in, and for a second I think I see a flash of panic in his eyes.
He gives me a slight smile. “I know it’s rough, but things will get
better. Your sister can’t do pageants forever. She’ll grow out of it.”
There’s a tightness in my chest. I didn’t realize how much I need him to save me from my current circumstance. I need him to see it my way, for him to understand. “It’s not just the pageants. I mean, I guess it is, but mostly it’s Mom. I don’t really feel like I belong there. I was hoping …”
I look right in my dad’s eyes and he looks away. I can already tell what he’s going to say before he even opens his mouth.
“Lexi, you know I love you.” He fidgets with the straw in his water. “But it’s not a good time right now. Kurstin just moved in, you’re in the middle of a semester. Let’s see how the next few months play out.”
He motions for the waitress to come and take our order, but I no longer have an appetite. I’m stuck.
There’s no way out.
I’m in desperate need of an aspirin. My head has been throbbing since I left Dad. When I pull up to our house, I see Mom’s car parked in the driveway. I let out a little groan. The last thing I wanted to come back to was them gloating about whatever pageant they just attended.
I open up the front door to find Mackenzie watching TV while eating ice cream.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” She looks up. “How’s Dad?”
“Good,” I lie. Okay, technically Dad’s wonderful. He’s great. Only he doesn’t want to have his daughter come live with him. Oh, and he has a live-in girlfriend. One small fact Dad has asked me to keep from Mom and Mac until he’s ready to tell them. While I’m not happy to have yet another thing pulling me further apart from them (as I’ll be living here for a while now), I know that this would put Mom over the edge.
I sit down next to Mac. “He sends his love. Where’s Mom?”
“In her room.”
“How did the pageant go?”
She sets her bowl down. “It went okay — second place. I totally rocked beauty. Then I botched my talent routine. I was in the middle of my ‘I Want Candy’ dance routine and, I don’t know, the routine left me. I threw out the candy too early and my cartwheel wasn’t straight and I sorta froze. Mom was totally stressed-out.”