CHAPTER 21
Four days of silence was Tarvik's limit. He sent me a gold ring with odd carvings as an apology, asking me to meet him at the castle.
I didn't want more gifts or apologies. During those days I had thought over what he wanted of me and what I must have from him. It didn't sound as if he would ever help me find my way out. So what were my choices? If ever there was a time when I needed accurate charts to guide me, it was now. But there were too many planets missing in his horoscope.
Once more, hoping to find I had erred, misread, or was dead wrong, I drew his horoscope on the table top, entered the sun and the slower of the planets. And then I pulled the jewel markers from my pocket and set them outside the circle. I had spent the last few nights in the courtyard, thinking perhaps he would come talk to me. He was unreasonable because he was scared, right? Because he didn't know how he was going to live up to what he had to do.
While I waited, I studied the skies and knew quite well where the planets were now and where their paths would take them in the next three or four years, but there were still gaps in his natal chart.
All I knew for fact was that he would rule, and if he followed his father's path, he would be remembered as a great warlord. His fate drove him straight into battle, betrayal, and blood everywhere, including his own.
Was there a chance of changing the direction of his stubborn mind? Fate is choices. Unfortunately, he seemed determined to make the wrong ones. At best I could only hope to bend him slightly toward gentler ambitions than constant warfare.
Perhaps I should butt out and let the barbarians follow their own destinies. Perhaps they had gods who guided them, chose their fates, and had plans different than what I saw. Maybe those gods had a reason for creating this hidden world and how would I know about that? My knowledge of astrology applied to my world. Maybe these people were part of a different universe, only existing within this bubble, turning to mist if they went beyond its boundaries.
Maybe I was losing my mind.
If Tarvik was mist, I was moonshine. I put my palm over the sun in his chart and closed my eyes. The heat of his energy blew through me like a firestorm and I bit my lip to keep from howling. It was there, his choice, with so much conflict between his natal chart and the current placements of the planets, I saw a glittering web of danger and death weaving around him.
The beating of his heart pounded in my head, as though I could hear his life's blood throbbing. He ran an impossible path of choices, death stalked him, and if he made one wrong decision, death would catch him within the next three years. He would never reach Kovat's thirty-nine.
Tarvik had no future.
This touching of a chart and seeing so much more, I hated it. It did not make me wiser or stronger, and it certainly didn't give me answers. It did not show me a better direction for him to follow. Isn't that what my skills were supposed to do? This knowledge gave me nothing but grief.
Again I pressed my palm over his sun, his heart, his life-force. And I felt his heartbeat and then a quick flicker, some small promise, something else.
Opening my eyes, I stared closer at his chart and saw the weak aspect between his natal sun and Jupiter, not enough to save him. Searching the outer rim, I realized the diamond Venus in its current location was at a positive aspect with those other two, not strong enough to prevent disaster, but still. It might deflect his fate and leave him a chance.
Not much I could do for Tarvik. But maybe I could find a way to save Nance. I wished now that Lor had taken her to his home village and never returned.
Tarvik waited for me at the castle, slouched in his raised chair, his fingers plucking at his fur cuffs, his head bent. His guard, Artur, stood behind him, leaning against the wall, his streaked hair falling forward over the sides of his face. He glanced up at me, so the light caught his eyes, and gave me a small smile. I could never tell what Artur was thinking. Was Nance right? Did Artur believe I had saved his life?
The dog was back, stretched out beside the chair, its sleepy eyes glancing at me, then closing. I don't know why it pleased me to see the dog had survived the journey, but it did. I had never had much to do with dogs. I always had cats as pets, but never a dog. The old dog looked a bit lonely and I wondered if it missed Kovat.
“I do not wish to battle with you, Stargazer,” Tarvik muttered.
“If you still want me to be your advisor, you have to pay attention to my advice,” I said, knowing he never would.
“I will tell you the matters on which I choose to hear your answers from the stars. Those opinions that come only from your own mind are to be left unsaid.”
Kovat had once said something similar to me. I kept silent with Kovat, for good reason, but I was not about to back down with Tarvik. “So you’re telling me I am now a slave.”
He looked up at me, surprised. “No. You know you are not.”
“This is how you treat a slave.”
He shook his head and tried to smile, but we both knew neither of us would give in on this one.
“My responsibilities are not easy. I must find ways to increase my power. Yet when I carefully think through and choose a plan to build an alliance that will aid me, you oppose me.”
“I am trying to understand you, Tarvik. I know your position is difficult. But you can't trade people for what you want. You can trade goods or land or animals or treasure with this cousin for his allegiance, but not people.”
Tarvik remained silent for a long moment, then said, “Nance is mine to give as I please, but I will offer you a choice in this.”
Okay, simmer down, be reasonable, hear him out. “What is my choice?”
“I will give you Nance to keep as your companion for as long as you wish if you - if you will agree to wed me.”
I heard a sharp intake of breath and glanced up to meet the startled gaze of Artur. I think we had both forgotten he was there. By the time Tarvik turned his head to look at him, Artur had smoothed his face and lowered his eyes.
“Leave us,” Tarvik said, and waited, while Artur walked silently past us and out the door.
I was grateful for the delay. Pressure in my chest had stopped my breathing. I could not believe what he had said. Sure he was young and passionate, I understood all that, and the opposites attract thing probably made me seem glamorous. If he wanted me as a lover, sure, that request wouldn't have surprised me.
But marry me? Me, an outsider, a stranger, a woman with the status in his land maybe three notches above slave? If I hadn't had skills that gained Kovat's respect, I would either be dead or in a prison cell now. No surprise the suggestion shocked Artur. I could add nothing to Tarvik's rule, no land, no alliances, no followers, no wealth.
Our relationship up to now had been entertaining, a little beyond flirting but way short of a roll in the hay, and who'd be dumb enough to do that, anyway? Hay is hard and prickly.
Okay, we never got to sex, even if I knew it was part of his long-range game plan, but wow, marriage? Bad for him. Impossible for me. There was no way I'd marry into a medieval society, a life of outdated weird, where I'd be considered a possession or who knew what else? I didn't want to guess at their customs. Oh right, he thought he owned his cousin and could give her away, so what value would he put on a wife?
“Why not command me to marry you?” I sputtered, when I regained my voice. “Why ask at all! I'm just another possession, right?”
“No!” he exclaimed, rising to his feet and jumping down from the platform.
He reached out toward me, touched my hair with his fingertips, then brushed his hands slowly down my arms until he caught my hands in his. I hated it when he did that. His touch was so light it sent shivers through me and raised a whole lot of reactions I wasn't about to share with him.
His expression changed from angry to confused, and I could see him trying to think how to say whatever it was he wanted to say. I stepped away from him, freeing my hands. Something in his look warned me we were on the edge of our worst argume
nt and I might not win it.
He spoke slowly, watching me closely, as though he wanted to avoid angering me but could barely contain his own distress.
“Every other thing in this land belongs to me, every stone, every hut, every horse, every person. But not you, Stargazer. You make your own laws. I cannot rule you and I know it. But look on matters this way. When we are wed, you will rule with me. You will have anything you ask for.”
Did he think I would marry him for a castle and a crown? Did he think he could win me with a bribe? Oh, he was right, he had certainly angered me. I had helped him save his city and given him advice and stood by him, and he saw in me a loyal servant, someone clever enough to be of use to him. And that made it all right in his view to use me as easily as he used Nance. We were no more than bargaining chips to him. He would give away Nance to an ally and he would keep me as long as I was useful.
My fury burned in my mind, blinding me to any caution.
“Oh yes, marry me and then go off to battle, princeling!”
“Stargazer! I have no choice. I cannot ignore my father's murder. This is a blood-debt.”
“So you will fight your uncle, and if you defeat him, you will then go on to another war with someone else. Oh lucky me, I have always wanted to be a widow!”
“You think I can't win?”
“I think you can't always win.”
“I can if I have you to advise me, and rule for me when I am away.”
“You would leave me alone to rule your city?” I shouted at him. “You trust me that much?”
“I want you that much!” he shouted back.
I stared at him, speechless. He looked equally shocked. But he did not back down. He stood a breath away from me, his face tight with anger and glared at me, daring me to question him.
I had thought I was an amusement to him, company when he was bored or lonely, someone near his own age in a castle of older guards and warriors. Also, I came up with advice that worked.
Sure I knew he thought me pretty and enjoyed the idea of playing protector, me Tarzan, you Jane stuff. I thought it was a game with the usual teen male sex drive tossed in. Stupid me.
I saw then what I should have seen these past months, saw what Ober had seen and what Nance had teased might be. And also, I recalled the painting on the wall in his bedroom. I had ignored what I really didn't want to believe.
Tarvik loved me.
He didn't love in the same way I loved, perhaps, or he would hardly have offered a bribe to win me, but he loved in his way, which was to see and want and attempt to own by whatever method appeared most promising.
Our two horoscopes popped up like instant visions. I had been too busy searching for danger in his chart and had paid little attention to the rest of it. Now I remembered one important bit. My moon was on the same degree of Leo as was Tarvik's sun. All else aside, it attracted us to each other.
And what did a barbarian do after he captured what he wanted? Oh yes, he started right in planning his next campaign elsewhere. I could ask him, but that would only encourage him and it really didn't matter. I knew I didn’t want to get stuck in his world for the rest of my life.
Our angry voices echoed in the stillness we had drawn down between us. How could I tell him that I could not stay with him?
I couldn't say “No, honey, sorry, it isn't you, it's me. I'm not ready to settle down” as I would have said to a guy back home, and probably added something stupid about hoping we could be friends forever. I could not say I'd rather panhandle than be a ruler. He thought he offered me the highest possible honor.
But if Tarvik didn't understand my way of thinking, I was even less up to figuring out his. A life of ruling a people whose existence centered on killing or capturing others would be hell for me, an imprisonment more terrible than anything the magician had faced in the underground cell.
I said the only thing I could. I took a deep breath to calm my voice and said, “Let me think about this.”
“You will have whatever you want, Stargazer. Now and forever.”
“And Nance? Will you let Nance stay with me, whether I marry you or not?”
“Until you wed me, Nance is my possession.”
He wasn’t going to give an inch on that one. His stubborn mind overrode any hesitations of his heart. He would keep his promise to me because his word was his own law as well as the law of others. If I refused him, he would still want me as his advisor. But he would give Nance to a man with breath like swamp water.
As for accepting him, out of the question and that didn't have anything at all to do with love. He'd be easy to love and then what? If he survived his campaigns he'd soon be like his father, murdering innocents as well as enemies, turning into someone I would hate.
In that moment, knowing I would never see him again, I loved Tarvik so much I had to fight tears, bite back all the things I wanted to tell him.
As for warning him that his next battle could be his last, I had warned Kovat. Like his father, Tarvik would ignore me. He wanted to be a warrior.
I traced lightly with my fingertips along his hard jaw, from gold earring to stubborn chin, and looked carefully at him to memorize him. Lord, I loved that face. Actually, the whole package was terrific and was nothing I wanted to walk away from. But I had to do exactly that. I caught his face between my hands and I kissed him, felt his warm mouth move against mine. I didn't want to pull away. But I did.
He stared at me, startled, his eyebrows raised, his eyes wide.
I said, “You are probably the sweetest guy I've ever met,” because he was.
I knew he wouldn't accept goodbye for an answer. Tell him I was leaving and he'd toss me in a dungeon or lock me in a room with guards at the door.
Huh. That's what I had figured the Deckos would do, find a way to control me, keep me prisoner. But they'd have to do it in a modern city where there are cellphones and 9-1-1 and I would have a much better chance of escaping.
No better than the Deckos? Did I believe that? There were two big differences. Tarvik really wanted to do the right thing. Too bad his take on right was so different from mine. And second, Tarvik really loved me. And that laid a big dumb guilt trip on me. Time to go before I did something stupid.
In my mind I saw Kovat turning away from the temple courtyard gate, looking from the back like Tarvik, the same graceful walk, the same yellow hair flaming in the morning sun on the day when he left on his last campaign. No way could I stay here and watch Tarvik collect battle scars and grow bitter and cruel and follow his father's fate. I didn't want to be waiting in this cold lonely castle when his guards returned to tell me he was dead.
With Nance I didn’t waste time on hints since nothing less than a full explanation would convince her to help me. As soon as I returned to the temple, I sat her down and told her.
“He wants to give me to that smelly old creature?” Nance screamed. “I would rather die!”
“Let's try to avoid that. What we have to do now is send word to Tarvik, tell him we're closing the temple for three days of private prayer. He'll think I want time to make a decision and he won't argue. That should get us out of here.”
“I suppose Lor could take us to his home village,” she agreed. “He knows pathways even the cleverest of Tarvik's scouts won't find. But I cannot believe what you say. Are you sure Tarvik would do that, close the temple and give me to that dreadful man?”
“Do you think he didn't mean what he said?”
Nance let out a shriek, bent double and pounded on her thighs with her fists. “He did! I know! He would do that! I do not want to believe this of him, but I do! How could I ever have cared if he lived or died? We should have gone away earlier and let Erlan capture Tarvik! But, what of you, Stargazer? Do you leave only for my sake? Or is it that you know you could never in a thousand lifetimes love that wretched boy?”
Way too complicated to explain so I said, “We don't have a thousand lifetimes. We have three days. We better get m
oving.”
We sent a temple guard with a message to Tarvik. We said we were closing the temple for three days of prayer. Then we slipped into the stable to tell our destination to Lor.
When I mentioned Tarvik's plans for Nance, the old man didn't argue. He said only, “He is not his father, that one.”
First job, sort out what to take. That was easy because traveling light was necessary. I didn't know how far I would have to walk, so I put on my old tee shirt, then picked my warmest wool pants and hooded cloak and the sheepskin boots once made for the Daughter. They were very warm and laced snugly up the front. Gloves. Scarf to wrap around my neck.
What else? Oh, right, back to the real world. I found my backpack, dumped everything out, found my blue billfold. I pulled out my credit cards and driver's license and the few rumpled bills, stuck them inside the lining of a boot, then tossed the billfold back in the pack and kicked the pack behind the curtain.
We left at dark.
Lor told the guards he'd be gone for a few days because he was taking three of the horses to do some trading. As this was something he did when nomad horse traders were in the vicinity, the guards agreed they would tend the stables until his return. They presumed he was traveling alone. It would not occur to anyone that Nance and I were going with him. Not until three days passed and Tarvik came pounding on the gate.
Lor left in late afternoon leading the horses, and waved to the guards.
Nance and I waited until nightfall to slip out of the stable. We hid our cloaks beneath shabby shawls and looked like all the local women.
Lor waited for us in the shadows beyond the last row of huts. Oh goody, time for a horsey ride.
We were a night and a day from the city when we reached the plateau lands and built our first fire. Until then we rested only briefly, kept moving, ate our meals cold. Possibly Tarvik would decide, in an impatient moment, to bang on the temple gates despite our instructions. We needed a big head start.
The first time I saw the plateau it had glowed with autumn, a tableland of dark gold waves rippled by warm breezes. Nance had floated above it like a lazy sea bird on her glider. Now moon shadows shifted on the plateau's flat face, touching silver sparks to the frozen grasses.
Huddled into our hooded cloaks so that even in the firelight we couldn't see each other's faces, we bent toward the heat and ate slowly. Lor roasted potatoes in the coals and made tea out of melted snow.
Now that we were past returning, I had to tell Nance my plans. I couldn't leave her without saying goodbye.
“Do you know where Tarvik camped on that hunting trip when he found me? There was a low wide stream and a thin stretch of forest and a clearing.”
Lor nodded. “Aye. A bit north of here, it's a favorite hunting ground.”
“Can you find it?”
Of course he could and without any questions, but Nance wanted to know why we were headed there instead of up toward the pass leading to Lor's home village.
“Nance, you must listen to me and not argue with me because this is how it has to be. I want you to take me to the stream. At daybreak you and Lor will head for Lor's village. I'm going to stay and search around that stream.”
“Why do that?”
“Because that's how I got here and so that has to be the way to leave.”
As I had known she would, she cried, “You cannot do that! You cannot leave me! I will never forgive you. Even if you find a way out, it won't lead where you think. You will end up in the land of the dead. Or if it goes to your world, you will still be in the mountains. What do you know of living outdoors? Nothing. You are helpless. You will die of exposure. Tell her, Lor, tell her she cannot!”
Lor said, “There's no world but here.”
“Where do you think I came from? Where did the Daughter come from?”
Lor shrugged. “Maybe there's a way in. Never heard of a way out except for the dead.”
“Roads go both ways, Lor.”
“If that were true, the warlords of Thunder would have gone out long ago and overrun your land,” Nance stormed.
“I don't have a choice. I can't stay here.”
“You would rather die than stay with us?”
“I'll miss you, Nance. But you can have a life with Lor's people. I can't. This isn't my world.”
“You are like Tarvik!” she cried. “You are cruel and stubborn and wicked and you do not care for me at all!”
She fell asleep angry and I thought in the morning she would argue again, but she surprised me. She moved silently around the camp, tying bundles to the horses, a small lonely figure beneath her hooded cape. When she returned to the fire to join Lor and me at a breakfast of tea and rice, her face showed a night of weeping. Her eyelids were puffed, her pale skin mottled.
“Stargazer,” she said, her voice trembling but soft, “I have thought about it. We will take you to the stream. If the gods mean for you to leave us, then you will find the way out. If they don't, then you will stay with us.”
Not much to argue about there.