This time, she covered his lips with her fingers to keep him from speaking. "I know, sweetie. I do."
But she didn't know how much he hated himself for what he'd done. Not really. Out of nothing more than sheer selfishness, he'd put her in harm's way. Twice.
How could I have done that?
To her.
He, who knew exactly what it felt like to have someone shove him aside while they wallowed in their own grief and pain, had done that to the one person in his life he'd sworn to love and protect.
I am my mother.
Even worse, he felt like his uncle. And that was what stung the deepest.
How could she forgive him when he couldn't forgive himself?
"No, Z, you don't know. There's so much darkness inside me that sometimes I feel like it's going to swallow me whole. It makes me want to lash out, and explode all over everyone around me."
"But you don't."
"I have. And worse, I did it with you. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself had you been hurt. I swear to you I will never, ever do something like that again no matter how mad I get."
She hugged him close and he savored his body against hers. "Had I been physically assaulted, I probably wouldn't be so forgiving." She nuzzled his neck. "It was extremely humiliating to be told how worthless and undesirable I am. I'm not going to downplay it. But I've had worse."
"Yeah, well, he was a fucking idiot. I think you're more beautiful than any woman I've ever seen."
Zarya trembled as he took her hand into his and led it to his cock that was already hard again. It was so erotic to have him hold her palm against his erection while he stared down at her with a hunger that was hot and tangible. "Believe me, no one has ever done this to me like you do. Every time I look at you, hear your voice, or smell your scent, I want to be inside you so badly it hurts."
And he had definitely proven that. A lot over the last few days. It was a wonder the man could walk.
Her either.
She smiled up at him. "Thank you." Then she pulled his lips down to hers so that she could kiss him.
He growled low in his throat as he hardened even more underneath her hand. As he deepened their kiss and went to remove her towel, she stopped him.
"You haven't eaten."
"I--"
She covered his lips before he could contradict her. "You need something more to nibble on than me."
"Fine," he groused with an uncharacteristic pout. "I need to get some real work done anyway. I'm not sure how the gerents are going to deal with that e-mail I sent out last night."
"You're going to eat first, right?"
"Yes, my lady."
She smiled. "By the way, did you really fine and fire the cook?"
He actually turned sheepish over her question. "Well, yeah. I wasn't going to let her near my food out of my eyesight after I fined her. What kind of stupid would that be?"
She laughed. "You know what I mean."
"I do, and yes." He sobered. "She had no right to treat you like that. I won't have that kind of abuse in my home. If you tell me who stole your clothes, I'll--"
"It's all right," she said, interrupting him. "I don't care about something so trivial."
"I do. Stealing from others isn't trivial to me."
He was right, but given everything else, she just wanted to forget it'd happened.
"Go and eat, my lord. The sooner you take care of your business, the sooner you can come back up here and take care of me."
His eyes darkened playfully before he picked her hand up and kissed it. "Very well, my lady. I shall obey. But only because I need to make sure I still have an empire."
"You have been a little neglectful," she teased. Then she paused as another thought occurred to her. "Out of curiosity, who runs things when you're gone? Maris?"
"No, since he's an offworlder, Mari can't. My brother, Ryn, is actually the pro tem in my absence."
The half brother he'd once been close to...
That made the hair at the nape of her neck rise. "You trust him not to backstab you for your throne?"
"I do. He wants nothing to do with the throne, or the empire for that matter. So he officiates when he has to, and then steps down happily when I return."
That was a lot of trust for someone he'd grown distant with. "Are you sure he has no designs on replacing you?"
"I have the scar to prove it." She didn't miss the underlying bitterness in those words.
And that concerned her most of all. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing." He offered her a smile that didn't reach his shadowed eyes. "I should go. If I don't, we'll be on the floor, or the counter, or--"
She playfully pushed him away from her and laughed. "Go."
He kissed her again, then left.
Pulling on a robe, she went to her room, hoping to find some decent clothing.
She paused as she saw Maris putting her new clothes away in the tall armoire beside her bed. "Were you here when Darling was?"
He shook his head "I left the minute he came in, and didn't return until after he was on the stairs. Voyeurism is not my sin."
She loved the way he phrased things. "Thank you, Mari. For everything."
He inclined his head to her. "Gera wanted me to tell you that she rescheduled your first lesson for four."
She cringed at the mere thought. "Great."
"If it makes you feel better, I told her I didn't think you needed any help. Obviously from what we've been hearing, we all know you're quite capable of pleasing his lordship."
"Are you going to keep torturing me with that?"
"Probably." He handed her a sedate dark green dress. "This will be lovely with your coloring."
Taking it from him, she ignored his comment as she returned to their previous conversation. "Darling said that he'd told Gera I didn't have to be prepped anymore."
"He did tell her that. She didn't listen. She said that this was one lesson you really didn't want to miss."
Zarya quirked her brow at that. "I think I'm afraid."
"I definitely would be," he whispered. "But it could be good... Maybe. And if it is as good as she says, you'll have to share with me later."
"You're terrible." She went back to the bathroom to put her dress on.
As soon as she finished, she rejoined him in the bedroom where he waited patiently. "Maris? Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, just as long as you understand I'm not obligated to answer."
She also loved Maris's disclaimers. He almost always had one for every occasion. "Darling said that he trusts Ryn to run things for him and that he knew his brother didn't want the throne. He said he had the scar to prove it. But he wouldn't elaborate. What was he talking about?"
The humor drained from his face. "Are you sure you want me to answer that? It's not very pleasant."
It seemed nothing about Darling's past was. "Yes, please."
Maris paused as if he was considering something. After a few seconds, he narrowed his eyes on her. "Come with me."
She followed him out of the room and down a long, winding hallway. Ornate and gilded, it was breathtaking. For all the brutality members of the Cruel family had committed, the palace itself showed nothing but beauty. They passed countless portraits of Darling's numerous ancestors who had ruled before him.
"Where are we going?"
Maris slowed. "The family wing." He opened a set of heavy doors that led to another ornate, marbled hallway that stretched out for what seemed to be a mile at least. Each side of it was lined with doors. "This is where the governor's wife and children stay whenever they're in residence."
So this was where Darling's room had been before he killed his uncle.
As if he heard her thoughts, Maris led her down to the next to the last set of doors on the left side of the hall. She wasn't sure what to expect as he opened the room and stood back for her to enter first.
Large and airy, it was definitely a boy's room. Decorated in maroon, dark blue an
d gold--the national Caronese colors--the room held a large canopy bed with a seal on the headboard that matched the seal in Darling's current chambers. There was an old computer on a huge desk that was littered with chemistry sets and spaceships.
The wall on her right was covered with intricate drawings and sketches pinned over each other. "Are those... chemical compounds and bombs?"
Maris laughed. "Darling was always a little strange. But yes, they are components to different devices and explosives he was working on."
But as she looked around more, she was nonplussed by what she saw. The room was like a time capsule. Covered in dust and obvious signs of neglect, it appeared as if Darling had been ripped out of it as a boy and never allowed to return. There were even toys left scattered across the floor.
It didn't make sense. "This was his room before Arturo died?"
Grief and sadness lined Maris's features before he spoke. "We were at school, laughing during study hall about something innocuous. Suddenly, there was a shadow falling over us. Thinking it was a teacher there to yell at us to lower our voices, we looked up to see three Caronese guards. Without any compassion or decency, their captain glared at Darling and said coldly, 'Your father's been assassinated. You must come with us.' "
Bile rose in her throat at the cruelty. How could anyone be that cold to a child when telling him his father was dead? "Are you serious?"
He nodded. "I'll never forget the look on his face when he heard those words. They didn't give him even a second to recover or pack so much as a toothbrush before he was hauled back here. He was only twelve. A scared little boy who had no idea what had happened. When he tried to see his mother, she refused."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Grief does strange things to people, and everyone copes differently. I won't pass judgment on her for it. But it devastated Darling. After the funeral, we came back here to his room. His mother wouldn't even look at him. She retired to her chambers with Drake and Lise, and Darling wasn't allowed near them."
He jerked his chin toward the desk. "Darling sat there looking shell-shocked for hours. He didn't speak. He didn't cry. Just stared at nothing, except the floor, while I sat on the bed, waiting for him to say something. Ryn was the one who finally came to check on him. He told Darling that he couldn't stay, but that if he needed anything at all to call him."
Zarya tried to make sense of that. "Ryn abandoned him, too?"
"In his defense, there wasn't much Ryn could do. Both Arturo and Natale hated him. Natale had driven him out not long before Drux died. And at the funeral, Arturo made it abundantly clear that Ryn would never be welcomed here in any capacity. But Ryn tried to keep in touch with Darling. Three days after the funeral, Drake and Lise were allowed to return to school. Arturo withdrew Darling and kept him here."
"Why?"
"The Grand Counsel isn't a blood position. It's anyone the governor appoints. As the future governor, Darling could have chosen another."
She'd never heard that before, and it didn't make sense that Darling would live under his uncle's vicious rule if he didn't have to. "Why didn't Darling choose someone else?"
"It's not quite as simple as it sounds. First, the replacement has to agree to it and show cause as to why he would be a better counselor than the one picked by the former governor. And Darling had to be sixteen to make the declaration."
"Was that the only way?"
Maris nodded. "It was why Arturo wanted to keep Darling close by so that he could watch him. And I'm sure it's why he didn't tolerate Ryn's presence here. He knew how close Darling and Ryn were." He motioned her to follow him again. He went down the hallway, back toward the main part of the palace.
They turned a corner into a smaller corridor that was far less ornate.
Maris stopped at the first door on the right. "Three weeks after Darling turned fifteen, this became his room." He opened the door and stepped back for her to see it.
Horrified, Zarya covered her mouth with her hand at the tiny room that had no windows. It was completely empty except for a single blanket on the floor and a flat pillow.
Maris jerked his chin to the door across the hall. "That's his bathroom and dressing chamber. Every night, he had to go in there, get ready for bed and remove all of his clothes. Then naked, he'd come here so that his guards could cavity search him."
Her stomach heaved. "Why?"
"Darling kept running away from home. Arturo wanted them to make sure he didn't have anything he could use to escape or to call anyone with. Once he was searched, and they were never gentle about it, he'd be locked in here until morning."
Or until they dragged him out for his uncle's amusement.
She wanted to hurt someone over it. "How long was he kept here?"
"Till the night he killed Arturo."
"No..."
He nodded.
Her senses reeled as she thought back to the times when she'd been speaking to Kere...
Had Darling really been in this room during those times?
Was that even possible? "I don't understand. If he was kept here, like that, how did he ever have any freedom?"
"He's cunning and resilient. Plus Nyk, Ryn, and friends helped him to escape from time to time under various ruses for a few days or weeks at a stretch. And once Nyk was crowned prince, he appointed me as an ambassador so that I could watch out for Darling and use my political ties to get him out of here whenever it got too bad for him. But this was always what he was dragged back to."
Her mind boggled over all the things she'd never known about the man she loved. All the secrets he'd kept and things she would have never, ever guessed at.
All of it made her angrier at the world on his behalf.
Damn them!
She swallowed against the painful knot in her throat. "Please tell me that there was at least some brightness to his existence."
"How so?"
"His brother and sister? Did Arturo treat them like this, too?"
Maris closed the door to that awful room. "No. As long as they stayed out of his sight, he left them alone."
"Meaning?"
"Lise never pushed it. She would hit the door running to her mother's chambers and stay there until she could return to school. Drake's a little more... offensive. As he got older, he became cocky, and he had no respect for Darling back then."
"Why not?"
"Like everyone else, he bought into the rumors that Darling was a crazed degenerate who earned his punishments. Since Arturo didn't beat on him or confine him, Drake figured there had to be a reason for Arturo to beat Darling. Obviously it was all Darling's fault."
Obviously, indeed.
Zarya was beginning to really not like Darling's brother. The more she learned about Drake, the more he seemed like a selfish ass.
"I'm surprised Darling has any use for his brothers."
Maris shrugged. "Darling doesn't forgive easily and he never forgets. But at his heart, he is a peacemaker. His father used to have a saying. The world isn't fair. And no matter how good and decent you are, no matter how much you give to others, someone is always going to hate you for no other reason than the fact that you breathe. You can't help that. You can't change people or their minds once they've allowed them to get twisted by hatred. But you can change how you deal with them. Never back down, but walk away when you can, fight when you must. Whatever you do don't give them the power to hurt you. Don't let them inside you. They're not worth it. Live your life for yourself. Stay true to yourself and if they can't see the beauty that is you, it's their loss. Let the bitterness take them to their graves. Spend your time on what matters most. Being you and appreciating the people who see you for who and what you are. The people who love you, and the ones that you love. They are all that matter. Let the rest go to hell."
Those words touched her. "His father sounds like he was a great man."
"He was, indeed. Very much like Darling."
But those words also made her stop and think. Most of all,
they made her wonder if there could ever be a real future for them after everything that had happened to divide them. Maris had said that Darling didn't forgive easily, or forget. So where did that leave her? "Do you think he can ever forgive me, Maris?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I think he wants to. But he's been hurt so badly by so many. You're just going to have to give him time to learn to trust you again. Have faith that his love for you will erase the rest."
Something that was much easier said than done. Broken trust was the hardest thing to repair. But she wouldn't give up on Darling. She couldn't.
But what if he gives up on you?
Darling wiped at the sweat underneath his mask as he sat at his desk, reviewing his mail. Strange how quickly he'd gotten used to not wearing the stupid thing with Zarya. But it was easy when she didn't seem to notice his grotesque scars.
Unfortunately, he knew the rest of the world didn't view him through her eyes.
Don't think about it.
How could he not when he was forced to stare at the mask while he worked? A mask that made him remember the scars it covered. And there were so many of them. Scars that twisted his lips and made his eye droop. Scars that ran down the side of his nose and across his cheeks.
And the one of Pip's name showing through his beard as plain as the writing on his monitor.
His head throbbed from the eyestrain of trying to catch up. And then it started...
That irritating jerk.
Closing his eyes, he pressed his finger against his eyelid, trying to will them to stop. Still they spasmed and twitched. The motion made him queasy. But most of all, it made him blind.
Damn it! It was the most irritating thing and it wasn't helped by the addition of a sudden nosebleed.
Great. Just great. What next?
Just don't let me have to go to the bathroom. He couldn't take any more of his broken body. He was tired of being in pain all the time. Of having to fear the next round of What's Going To Piss Me Off Now.
As he reached for another tissue to replace the one that was already saturated, something crashed through the window on his right and exploded.
Trying to focus his jerking gaze, it took him a second to figure out what it was. Faster than he could move, fire spread up the wall, setting off alarms and sprinklers.
Crap! It was an attack and he'd left his blaster upstairs.
Darling held his breath as he tried to get to the door. Something easier said than done while his eyes kept jerking. Everything shifted and moved which disoriented him even more. Worse, his eyes and skin burned from the fumes.