"You've no idea, hon."
No, but she was beginning to, and like Syn with his in-laws, she was rather scared of Darling's. "I can't imagine dealing with the stress he's had. Having an uncle who treats you like you're mentally deficient and can't go to the bathroom alone, while the rest lean on you so hard that it's a wonder your back isn't bowed from it..."
How he had any sanity left was a miracle.
Maris gave a sympathetic nod. "True, but it was the lies he was forced to live with that cut him the deepest. Having to pretend to be gay and passive when it's not in his nature to be either..."
"I can't imagine."
"Oh I can, and it sucks to the extreme. The stress of it's unbearable... Only in my case, it was heterosexual and aggressive. I was truly a frightening warmonger in my earlier days."
His words caught her off guard as she tried to imagine someone as effeminate and gentle as Maris being tough and swaggering like the other warriors she knew.
Yeah... no. It just didn't work. He could never pull that off.
She wrinkled her nose teasingly at him. "You?" she asked with a laugh.
In that instant, his entire demeanor changed. His posture rigid and predacious, he moved to stand in front of her with an aura so powerful and lethal, she actually took a step back.
The scathing glare he raked over her body sent a chill down her spine. In that moment, she could easily see him killing someone.
When he spoke, his voice was an octave deeper and it rumbled from deep inside his chest. "You think I couldn't kick your ass, bitch? Never underestimate what I can do, and my willingness to do it." Now that was a warrior's growl that would rival any League assassin.
Then as quickly as he'd summoned it, he let it go and deflated back into the gentle man she'd grown to love.
"That was impressive," she admitted in an awed whisper.
Maris waved a dismissive hand. "Not really. I hated every minute of the years I was forced to live that way. I have eight brothers, a war-hero father, and assorted cousins and uncles who did nothing but throw women at me every hour of the day until I was ready to scream." He clutched his hands in his hair, then lowered them. "For that matter, I was even engaged once."
That caught her by surprise, too. "To a woman?"
He nodded. "Political alliance arranged by our fathers."
"What happened?"
Glancing toward the bed, he primly folded his hands in front of him. "On the day of the wedding, Darling and I were alone in the groom's chamber and I was so scared, I was shaking. My married future of lies stretched out in front of me, and it made me sick to my stomach."
Maris paused as he saw that moment again so clearly in his mind. Swathed all in black, Darling had been dressed more for a funeral than a wedding--something extremely apropos given Maris's feelings about the event.
Ever elegant and beautiful, Darling had stood there while Maris had paced back and forth with a lump in his throat so tight he'd felt like someone was strangling him.
As befitting his station, Maris had been in full dress battle gear, complete with the combat medals he'd earned. Back then, he'd been part of the Phrixian High Command as a fully commissioned officer--the very pride of his father.
Darling had watched him with a bemused expression. "Breathe easy, Mari. You look like you're about to pass out or puke."
"I'm trying." He'd locked gazes with Darling, seeking both forgiveness and strength for what he was about to do. "I can do this. It'll be easier, really. No one will expect me to whore around... as much, anyway. I can always say that I love my wife so I won't have to come up with excuses why I can't sleep with women anymore." If he made up one more STD to get out of bedding a woman, he was sure his father would have him permanently hooked to an antibiotic IV.
"True," Darling said.
Maris hesitated. "What's with that tone?"
"It's not my place to say. I'm your friend and I'm here to support you with whatever you do. You know that." Darling handed him a towel. "I think you're going to need another shower, though. At the rate you're sweating you're going to drown your bride at the altar."
"You're not funny."
"Really not trying to be."
Maris had wiped his hand across his forehead and grimaced as he realized Darling was right. He'd run marathons in the deepest heat of summer and sweated less. "How do I look?"
"Your pants are too tight, and you look like you're about to vomit."
That had panicked him even more. If he threw up like some green coward, his father would never forgive him. "What am I going to do, Dar? I'm about to be married... to a female person with female body parts. I'm going to have a wedding night and..." Unmitigated terror had filled him at the thought of sleeping with his wife for the rest of his existence. It was all he could do not to cringe. "Can you be me tonight? Please?"
"Pretty sure she'll notice."
Damn him for being right. But Maris wasn't quite ready to give up on that solution. "We could drug her and she'd never know the difference, that way we'd all be happy."
Darling gaped at his suggestion.
"Think about it," Maris said, really getting into the idea and all the possibilities that it would open. "We could. That way you'd have a woman and--"
"I'm not going to screw your wife for you, Mari. And I'm damn sure not going to drug her first."
"Fine, you moral asshole," he'd snapped in anger. Taking a deep breath, he braced himself for his duties. "I've had to sleep with women before. I can do this." But when he looked back at Darling, he'd seen the shadow in his friend's eyes of some unspoken emotion. "What?"
"I am not going to tell you how to live your life, Mari. The gods know I've fucked mine up so badly that I wake up every morning hoping it's all been one really long nightmare. But I keep seeing this as that one second when they handcuffed my mother to drag her away. That one instant where I screwed myself forever. If only I could take it all back or stop myself before I did it. And I keep hearing my dad's words in my head, the worst decisions of your life will always be those that are made out of fear."
"What are you saying?"
Darling hesitated before he answered. "My moment of supreme stupidity only impacted me. I was the one who was hurt by it, and I saved two people when I did it. But I'm the only one who's had to live with the lie and be bound by it. I just want you to think about the fact that when you walk down that aisle and tie your life to Tams, you will be forcing both of you to live with it. She wants a husband, Mari. One day, she'll want kids and they will be expecting a military father to train them. Are you ready to force your lie onto all of them and you, forever?"
Maris had growled angrily at him. "I really hate you."
Darling hadn't reacted to his hostility. "I love you, Mari. I always have and always will. And I'll be honest, I wouldn't wish my current existence on anyone, especially not you. You've seen what everyone has done to me and how they've all treated me because they think I'm gay. In your position, I'd marry her and deal with it as best I could. But at the same time, I know exactly how you feel right now, and how hard it is to walk a lie every single day of your life. This is your moment in the hallway, Mari. This one decision, either way, will viciously impact the rest of your life, and you will have to live with the consequences of it. Neither option will be pleasant for you. You are screwed both ways. But whatever you choose, I will be here for you. And I will protect you any way I can."
"But you won't sleep with my wife for me, you worthless beast."
"You know I can't."
Maris had sighed wearily as he debated what to do. "Would you sleep with me, then?"
"Maris..."
"I know, Dar. I know."
Even all these years later, Maris could still remember that nauseated feeling inside him as he'd walked down the aisle with Darling by his side.
Not to get married, but to tell everyone present why he couldn't.
And that memory was one he never wanted to revisit.
Coming back to the present, he looked at Zarya. "To this day, I owe Darling everything. His support never wavered. I know he would have been there for me had I married her. Instead, he was there when I told my entire family and every dignitary present that I was gay. That was the worst moment of my life." He winced as he remembered their extremely unpleasant reactions. "My father even attacked him over it."
"Why?"
"Brace yourself," he said bitterly. "They thought it was all Darling's fault. That he'd converted me. To quote my father, I would never have been gay had that filth not infected me."
Zarya cringed as she saw the pain in Maris's dark eyes. She couldn't believe his family had thought such a thing.
"Would you believe my family even tried to sue him over it?"
She gaped. "What?"
He nodded grimly as he raised his right hand. "Swear to the gods." He lowered his hand and looked away from her. "You know that scar Darling has on his thigh? The one shaped like a star?"
How could she forget? It was the one that had allowed her to identify him when he'd been in their custody. "Yes."
"My eldest brother Kyr tried to castrate him on my wedding day. Luckily, Darling's a better fighter than Kyr is."
Her heart breaking for both of them, she pulled Maris into her arms and held him close. "I'm so sorry for what both of you went through."
Maris squeezed her lightly. "It's all right, though. Really. While the rest of my family refuses to speak my name, I have the best brother anyone could ever ask for. One who isn't afraid to let me be myself. One who wouldn't hesitate to die for me. In the end, I'm the luckiest bitch in the universe."
He stepped back to smile down at her. "Well, second luckiest. Personally, I think you have the number one slot. Want to trade?"
She laughed. "I love you, Mari. I really do. You're such a special gem."
Maris sighed wistfully. "If only you were a gorgeous man saying that to me, sweetie. Oh well... one day." He sobered. "I love you, too, Zarya. Thank you for saving him today."
"Team effort," she reminded him.
He shook his head at her. "You have a hard time accepting praise, don't you?"
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
"All right, then. You suck. Now, I'm going to check on Ryn to see if he needs anything while he deals with the firestorm over this."
Smiling, Zarya watched him leave. She really did love that man. But what she felt for him was nothing compared to what her heart held for Darling.
And she'd almost lost him today...
Worse, she was the biggest threat he had to his well-being and reign. Closing her eyes, she kept trying to blot out the image of the e-mail they'd received after his attack.
We are the Resistance and you are holding one of ours. There will be no peace and no quarter so long as you have her. Release Zarya Starska or we will burn the palace to the ground and destroy every aristo we find.
Protests had been breaking out steadily since the attack. Even now, there was a group of rabid protestors at the palace gates.
Because of her.
I have to leave him. In spite of what Maris said, and in spite of the pain it would cause her, she couldn't stay here.
For the sake of Darling's life, she would have to go. She knew it deep in her heart. But knowing what needed to be done and doing it when you didn't want to were two different things.
I don't want to go. She remembered how desolate she'd felt when Darling had gone missing. Remembered the nights of feeling lost and vacant. She didn't want to go through that again.
But if she didn't, he'd be dead, and then she would never be able to see him. Period.
I'll either have to live a life without him in it, knowing he's alive and well. Or live a life where he's dead.
Either way, she lost. There was no choice.
Somehow she was going to have to find the strength to break his heart.
And ruin the rest of her life.
14
"What the hell are you doing here? And dressed like that!"
Zarya jumped at the strident tone that startled her out of her thoughts. Not just because it was so angry, but because it came from the last person she expected to burst into her bedroom.
"Sorche? What are you doing here? Who let you in?" Unless Maris gave clearance, no one was supposed to be allowed into the governor's private wing without a full escort.
Her sister didn't answer. Instead, she rushed across the room to take her by the arm. Sorche pulled her toward the hallway door. "Look, there aren't any guards outside. I think we can make it out before anyone realizes you're gone."
Unsure if she should laugh or be insulted, Zarya gaped at her. "What are you talking about?"
Sorche lowered her voice to a tiny whisper. "I saw the news, okay? I know he's holding you against your will, and--"
Zarya refused to let her sister haul her across the room. She twisted her arm out of Sorche's grasp. "It's not against my will."
Sorche cocked her head. "The UCN said that he had mind control over you. Do you know who I am?"
Zarya gave her a droll stare. "My annoying little sister who has driven me insane since the moment she came into this world and threw up all over my favorite dress." She placed her hands on Sorche's shoulders and met her gaze levelly so that she could see Zarya was in full possession of her own mind. "I am here by choice, Sorche. That's why I don't have guards. I'm free to leave anytime I want to. I have the money and the means to leave."
"Then why are you here?" Fear sparked in her brown eyes. When she spoke again, her voice was barely audible. "You're going to kill the governor, aren't you?"
"No." Biting her lip, Zarya debated telling her sister the truth. While Sorche was extremely loyal, she could also be scattered, and extremely stupid at times. "I'm going to tell you something, but you have to swear on our mother's soul that you will never, ever breathe a syllable of it to another living being."
"Even Ture?"
"Even Ture."
Sorche considered it for a few heartbeats. "Then it has to be good. Spill it."
"Swear first."
Sorche nodded eagerly. "Okay, I swear it."
Now Zarya understood why Maris had hesitated with her. It was hard to let go of a confidence when you knew it would destroy the person you loved most if anyone else heard it. And while she trusted her sister, she was still afraid that by talking about this, she might do Darling harm.
But in the end, she knew she had to tell her sister the truth. Sorche wouldn't accept anything else. So taking a deep breath, she forced the words out. "Darling is Kere."
Sorche gaped at her disclosure. For several seconds, all she did was blink until she finally gasped, "Your fiance Kere?"
"The one and the same."
"The Sentella Kere who is wanted dead by the League and--"
Zarya placed her hand over Sorche's mouth to keep her from carrying on. "You can't speak of this, Sorch. To anyone but me. Ever. Do you understand?" It would mean Darling's life if she did.
Sorche nodded, then pulled Zarya's hand from her lips. Her gaze danced around the room as she came to grips with the truth as to why Zarya was still here. "So where were you for the last year? Honestly?"
She didn't want to answer that, but she'd never liked lying to her sister either. "I was imprisoned." She didn't tell Sorche where because she didn't want her sister to hate Darling for it.
"I knew it!" Sorche grabbed her arm again. "I'm getting you out of here."
"Stop it!" Zarya snapped at her. "I can't leave him until I know he's going to live, okay?"
Sorche finally calmed down. "You really do love him, don't you?"
"More than my life."
Her sister rubbed Zarya's arm, offering her comfort. "All right, but I'm not going anywhere until I know you're okay. You hear me? While you might love him, I definitely love you."
She smiled at her sister's unnecessary concern. "All right. Now how did you get up here?"
"It wasn't easy at f
irst. This obnoxious doorman was interrogating me. Thoroughly. Then this odd guy, dressed in an outlandish orange getup dismissed him and asked who I was and why I wanted to see you."
"Maris?"
"Yeah. He's... different, isn't he?"
Zarya laughed. "A little. So he showed you up?"
"Yeah." Sorche swept a curious gaze from the top of Zarya's head to her feet. "Now explain your clothes. I've never seen you in a dress before."
Zarya shook her head as she looked down at the filmy, light blue dress she wore. It flowed around her in a whisper of silk--to quote Maris. Sorche was right, it wasn't her usual style of a dark battlesuit. "It's called a day gown."
"Day gown?" Sorche pulled at the lightweight silk outer skirt. "I bet this thing cost more than a year's tuition."
Funny, Zarya had never put it in those terms before. Now she felt guilty for enjoying it. People were hungry and here she was, dressed up for no reason whatsoever.
Sorche sucked her breath in sharply. "I'm sorry, Zarya. I didn't mean to ruin it for you. Please smile again. You look beautiful in it. You do and it's about time you wore something really nice. I'm just not used to seeing you dressed like this. That's all."
She hugged her sister. "It's fine. Now let me find Gera and get you settled in one of the rooms."
Sorche hesitated. "You sure I can't kidnap you?"
She cringed at those words. But most of all, she cringed at the idea of leaving Darling. Ever.
You have to. No matter how much she loved him, she couldn't stay and endanger him. "Once I know he's going to live, I'll let you take me home."
Fearing he was blind--and would remain so--Darling opened his eyes slowly. As he blinked, the world came into focus. Not perfect, but it was back to what it'd been before his attack.
He breathed a sigh in relief.
Thank the gods...
Who knew you could be so grateful for a hazy view of the world? But he'd take fuzzy over nothing any day.
He lay on his back with a weight draped over his chest. Glancing down, he smiled as he saw Zarya sound asleep there with her arms wrapped around him in a tight hug. Now that had to be the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. And it instantly set fire to his blood for many reasons.
Grateful to and for her, he brushed his fingers through her soft, mahogany hair.