“Make sure she gives you another lesson on how to properly dress a banana,” my mother calls after me. “You wouldn’t even know how to take care of a pretend baby, let alone a real one.”
I walk faster with Valerie, knowing it’s probably not wise to leave Molly alone with those people for any length of time, but I have to get out of that room before I lose my shit.
“My cat licks his butt hole. Can you lick your butt hole, Uncle? Mommy says everyone has nipples, but I think she’s lying. My Barbie’s don’t have nipples. Do you have nipples?” Valerie rambles as we make our way to the spare bedroom.
Kids are so weird.
Chapter 15
– Ganja Grandma –
Molly
Leaning against the door frame of my parent’s living room, I watch my uncles and Marco all huddled together, deep in conversation. It’s so crazy how well he fits in with my family that it’s hard to believe he hasn’t been around them more than a handful of times. I’m trying to not let it get to me that we haven’t had more than a few minutes alone since this insanity started, but I only have myself to blame. Marco asked me out on a date and I chose dinner with his family instead of going somewhere alone. It was nice to witness someone else’s family be embarrassing instead of my own, but I should have consulted one of my sisters before immediately deciding on a family dinner for our first real date.
“How you feeling, honey? You up for tonight?” my mom asks, coming up next to me.
“Feeling great and I can’t wait for tonight,” I tell her, even though I’d rather have a root canal than participate in the activities my mother and aunts have planned.
Tonight is Charlotte’s bachelorette party, and while I’ll be busy watching everyone get white-girl-wasted and make bad choices as I sip on fucking apple juice, the guys are going to hang out here. Gavin decided he’d rather have a more relaxed bachelor party, much to Uncle Drew’s dismay, especially since mom made the whole “No Strippers in the House” rule after my dad’s bachelor party. Obviously I wasn’t born yet, but I’ve heard the stories. Aunt Claire warned all of us kids years ago to never mention my mom’s favorite couch and how she dragged it out into the front yard and lit it on fire, screaming about “stripper juice stains” for the whole neighborhood to hear.
“What if we put plastic on the furniture?” Uncle Drew asks, leaning out of the huddle to shout to my mother.
“What if I light your balls on fire?” she replies.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he mutters, going back to the guys.
“So, what’s this big announcement you have for us?” I ask my mom.
We were originally all supposed to meet at Charlotte and Gavin’s place and go from there, but my mom called everyone this morning and said she had something to tell us and wanted everyone to come here first.
“It’s a surprise. Something needs to be set up first so it shouldn’t be too much longer,” she tells me. “Oh, Grandma Madelyn decided to join us tonight, so prepare yourself.”
I let out a surprised laugh. My Grandma Madelyn is my mom’s mom and she’s a tad uptight, a tiny bit snobby, and a control freak when it comes to any kind of big event. She’s been driving mom and Charlotte insane lately, calling ten times a day to check on the wedding plans. I don’t really see her letting loose or boozing it up with everyone else in the hotel suite we booked downtown Cleveland for tonight. At least I’ll have one sober person to keep me company though. Well, besides Charlotte, but she has to act drunk and that’s going to be just as bad. She’s been freaking out all week about how she’s going to make it look like she’s drinking in front of everyone, so I filled up five flasks with water and stuck them in my purse. Ava packed three of her own filled with orange juice, and we plan on shoving them at her any time someone else tries to give her a real drink.
“I DON’T WANT YOUR HUSH MONEY!”
The front door slams shut and my mom and I turn our heads to see what the hell is going on.
Tyler, Ava’s boyfriend, stands in the entryway with Grandma Madelyn, holding out a wad of bills to her.
“It’s not hush money, Madelyn, it’s gas money,” Tyler explains. “You already offered to take the stuff to my dad’s house and I want to pay for your gas.”
Grandma looks at the money in his hand with disgust while mom and I make our way towards them.
“That’s drug money! I don’t want your drug money!” Grandma shouts, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Drug money spends just as well as regular money!” Tyler argues. “What do you think I used to pay for that new TV Ava and I got you for your birthday last year?”
Tyler told me a few months ago that he started growing pot to sell to his friends so he could make some extra cash to buy Ava an engagement ring. I’m not a prude and I’ve smoked it a time or two, but I told him he was an idiot and nothing good could come from that endeavor since the stuff still isn’t legal in Ohio.
“What the hell is going on?” Mom asks.
“Um, well, you see, one of my friends overheard our landlord talking to someone about there being pot in a some of the apartments,” Tyler explains. “I got a little freaked out there would be a raid or something, so I packed everything up in my trunk and got it out of there just in case.”
Mom sighs and shakes her head.
“I was pulling it out of my trunk to put in Dad’s car when Madelyn came up and asked if she could help,” he says with a shrug. “When she asked what was going on, I told her I was just moving some of my stuff back to Mom and Dad’s, and she offered to help so they wouldn’t have to.”
Mom sighs again and I wonder if she’s lost the ability to speak or if she’s just letting out all the pissed off air so she doesn’t start screaming obscenities in front of her mother.
“Is your father aware you planned on putting illegal narcotics in his car?” Mom asks.
“You’ve met my father, right? He offered to smoke it all so the cops wouldn’t find it,” Tyler replies.
Tyler found out not too long ago that his biological father is my Uncle Drew. It’s a long story that involved a drunken one-night stand in college, but there you have it. This information, while a tad shocking, at least gave all of us a reason for why Uncle Drew and Tyler are so strangely similar.
“I thought it was just clothes and nick-knacks until I smelled skunk. I know that smell. I’ve smoked the ganja a few times in my day, but I’ve never seen so many pounds of the ganja in one place,” Grandma tells us, whispering the word “ganja” each time she uses it.
“Please tell me you did not bring a trunk load of marijuana to my house,” Mom finally speaks.
“Of course not,” Tyler replies. “I’m not an idiot. It’s just two totes of marijuana, not an entire trunk load.”
Mom and I both shake our heads and I wonder if I should start restraining her now or wait until she makes a lunge for his throat.
“The dried buds are all carefully sealed in zip lock bags, don’t worry.”
Grandma drops her arms to her sides and studies Tyler for a few seconds.
“Buds as in flower buds? Like house plants?” she asks.
“Sure, just like house plants,” Tyler nods, deciding it’s best to humor her so she stops screaming about hush money.
“Well, in that case, put them in my trunk and I’ll take them to my house,” she informs him.
“Mom!” my mother yells.
“Oh, Liz, it’s fine. You know Drew and Jenny don’t have green thumbs and they’ll just kill the plants. I can water the ganja on Thursday when I water my ferns and lilies,” she informs her.
“Excuse me, could you say that one more time, a little louder? Stan, get a mic on her, would ya?”
We all turn and see a guy standing behind us in the hallway with a huge camera on his shoulder, while another guy stands next to him holding a long metal pole with a giant microphone attached to the end.
“Surprise!” Mom says with fake enthusiasm. “The big announcemen
t is that Claire and I were asked to do a documentary about our daily lives and running a business.”
Grandma quickly smooths her hair back and straightens her clothes, smiling brightly for the camera.
“I don’t know if I’m comfortable being on television, Liz,” she whispers through her smile.
“It’s a little late for that, Ganja Grandma,” Mom mutters.
The front door opens and Tyler jumps out of the way as Ava pokes her head inside.
“The limo is here, bitches!” she shouts. “Any female who plans on being a drunk whore tonight should immediately report to the driveway!”
Mom groans, closing her eyes and dropping her head.
“What’s with the camera?” Ava asks, staring at the two strangers in the hallway, happily recording the shit show in front of them.
“Oh, no big deal. They’re just filming a documentary on our family,” I inform her. “You’re just in time for the episode about Grandma becoming a drug dealer.”
The camera and sound guy quickly turn away from us when the guys walk out of the living room in the middle of a heated argument.
“I jerked-off into socks when I was a teenager, for Christ’s sake. It’s not like I still do it now!” Marco yells loudly, coming to a quick stop when he sees the camera and microphone.
Dad, Uncle Drew, and Uncle Carter all slam into the back of him when he stops so suddenly.
“What the hell, M.O.? Did your crusty socks stick to the floor or something?” Uncle Drew asks with a laugh. “Hey, are we on TV?!”
I quickly skirt around the camera crew and up to Marco, going up on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek and a sympathetic pat against his chest.
“It’s fine, I’m sure this thing isn’t going to air on any major networks or anything,” I whisper.
“Actually, it’s probably going to be syndicated on the Discovery Channel in all fifty states,” the guy holding the microphone informs us.
“So, I just told a few million people I used to masturbate into my socks,” Marco mutters.
“But you looked good doing it!” I say cheerfully.
“Can we please get moving? All this standing around is killing my buzz,” Ava complains.
Charlotte comes bounding down the stairs just then, stopping at the bottom and looking around at everyone. “Sorry I took so long getting ready. What did I miss?”
“Jizz socks!” Uncle Drew shouts.
“Anyone have a preference on where we go tonight to film?” the camera guy asks. “Stay with the guys or go with the ladies?”
Drew walks around the guys and throws his arm over the cameraman’s shoulder. “Might as well stay with us, man. I can’t promise you strippers, but I can promise a turtle porn snuff film, and I have a guy from the zoo stopping by in an hour to let us play with a meerkat. Should make for good television entertainment, especially if we can get the meerkat to watch the turtle porn.”
Charlotte grabs my arm and drags me away from Marco while everyone else says their good-byes. Once again, poor Marco is suffering at the hands of my family and I can’t help but wonder how much more he’s going to able to take before he heads for the hills. Not to mention the fact that I just kissed him in front of everyone, including a camera crew.
While the women pile into the stretch limo parked in the driveway, my sisters and I stand outside the vehicle for a few private minutes. Ava pulls one of the flasks out of her purse and hands it to Charlotte.
“Start chugging it in the limo,” Ava tells her. “Make sure to giggle and yell a lot.”
Charlotte takes the flask and rolls her eyes. “I’ve been drunk before, Ava. I think I know what I’m doing.”
“And I’ve seen you drunk before. It’s not pretty,” Ava replies. “You go from telling everyone you love them to sobbing in two-point-three seconds. As a fake drunk, I expect better of you.”
Aunt Claire leans her head out of the limo and looks at the three of us.
“Let’s go, assholes. There’s a bottle of vodka on ice at the hotel with my name on it and it’s not gonna drink itself,” she announces before pulling her head back inside.
“You people better not get on my nerves tonight,” I mutter as I wait for Ava and Charlotte to get in the limo. “Drunk people are complete idiots when you’re sober.”
I hold onto the door and listen to Ava start up a chant with the rest of the women until the sounds of ten females screaming “Drunk bitches” repeatedly fills the quiet night. As I bend down to get in the limo and seal my fate, I hear my name shouted from the house. Quickly pulling back from the open door, I turn around to see Marco jogging down the front porch and across the yard.
All these years of making fun of my sisters for losing their heads over guys…is this what it was like for them? The nerves, the sweaty palms, and racing heart whenever you’re in the same vicinity as him? The constant anxiety that you aren’t smart enough, good enough or pretty enough to keep the interest of someone like him? I spent so much of my life making fun of how Charlotte and Ava behaved and I thought they were sad and pathetic. I get it now, and I’m ashamed of myself for being so hard on them. I watch Marco’s face light up as he rushes towards me and I want to crawl under a rock because I don’t feel worthy of that look in his eyes. The one that says he likes me, in spite of my family, and that I make him happy. The pressure of this is so much worse than anything I did in culinary school.
I move towards him in a trance, meeting him in the middle of the front yard. It’s not fair for someone to be so good-looking without even trying. Even in a tight, long-sleeved grey t-shirt and worn jeans he looks just as good as he would if he were wearing a tux.
“I’m glad I caught you before you left,” he smiles, the dimples in his cheeks making my knees weak.
“What’s wrong?” I whisper, hoping he didn’t race out here to ask for advice on how to make Uncle Drew stop dropping his pants and showing everyone his balls.
“Nothing’s wrong, I just forgot something.”
I open my mouth to ask if he forgot to write down the number to Poison Control in case Tyler gets into the nail polish remover again, but before I can take a breath, his hands are cupping my face and his lips are on mine. With my lips still parted to speak, his tongue slides easily into my mouth. All the blood in my body rushes to my nether regions and with every brush of his tongue against mine, I feel myself getting lightheaded. My hands fly to his chest and I grab onto handfuls of his shirt to hold myself steady as he kisses me soft and slow and the world around me disappears. He tastes like peppermint and smells like cookies, and I want to jump into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist. My heart thumps rapidly in my chest as our tongues swirl together until I’m not sure where he begins and I end. Our mouths have become one and have replaced everything in my brain with cheesy romantic poetry and dreamy Jane Austen quotes.
I need to stop this kiss before I turn completely stupid.
I never want this kiss to end and I don’t care if it turns me into Uncle Drew.
Marco slowly ends the kiss, gently biting my bottom lip as he pulls his mouth from mine. With my face still cradled in his hands, he presses his forehead to mine and sighs.
“Sorry, I tried to wait until we were alone to do that, but I think hell might freeze over before then,” he laughs softly.
“GET A ROOM, YOU WHORES!”
The lust-filled excitement in my body quickly vanishes when I hear Ava yell to us from the limo.
“Wrap it up before you knock her up on the front lawn! Oh, wait…” Ava adds with a loud giggle.
“I should probably go. The drunks are getting restless,” I tell him softly, wishing I never had to move and his warm, soft hands never had to drop from my face.
“Be careful,” Marco says as his hands slide from my face and down the sides of my neck to rest on my shoulders. “Never take a drink you didn’t pour yourself, and if you’re being attacked, always scream ‘fire’ instead of ‘help’.”
I snicke
r, unclenching the death grip on his shirt to rest my hands on top of his on my shoulder.
“I’m hanging out with my aunts, sisters, and cousins all night,” I remind him.
“You’re forgetting I’ve met those women. You should be more afraid of them giving you a roofie and trying to rape you,” he responds with a serious expression on his face.
“I’ll call you later to make sure you’re still alive,” I tell him, regrettably taking a step back from him.
He laughs and sticks his hands into the front pocket of his jeans. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“Hey, Minivan Fuck Nugget! Do me a favor and grab the blow torch, edible underwear, Christmas tree tinsel, and the bag of goldfish from my trunk on your way in,” Uncle Drew shouts from the open front door.
“Goldfish, as in goldfish crackers?” Marco yells back.
“Uh, no. Twenty-four live goldfish. Why in the world would I have goldfish crackers in my trunk? I thought you said he was smart, Molly?” Drew complains before going back inside.
Marco shakes his head and starts backing away from me as I do the same, refusing to take my eyes off of him as I move towards the limo.
“My mom keeps a cookie jar on top of the fridge with bail money in it, just in case,” I inform him as my butt bumps against the side of the limo.
“Good to know,” he replies with a wave, turning to jog to Drew’s car parked in the driveway.
I take my time climbing backwards into the limo, staring at Marco’s ass as he leans into the trunk of Uncle Drew’s car. After that kiss, there is no way I’m waiting another second when this night is over to be alone with that man. Maybe I can sneak a few shots of liquid courage when no one is looking and have Ava and Charlotte give me some more advice. I don’t know the first thing about flirting or seducing a guy, and judging by that stellar kiss, I’m going to need all the skills I can get. It’s time for me to consult the experts.
“Don’t knock it until you try it; pony play is very erotic,” Ava informs the group as I sit on the comfortable leather bench next to Charlotte, closing the door behind me. “The plastic hooves are a little hard to get used to at first, but once you add the tail and the unicorn horn, you really get into it.”