“Don’t be like that, Fin,” Ryan called out as they got out of the car behind her and Jake beeped the locks. “It’s all you can eat. What could be better than that?”
She shivered at the wicked gleam in his eyes and strode briskly towards the restaurant door.
“I’ll tell you what’s better than that—if it was full of women instead of food,” Jake told him. “An all you can eat women buffet.”
Ryan said something she didn’t catch, and Jake burst out laughing. She rolled her eyes, shoving open the door.
Twenty minutes later Fin sat down at their table with a small pile of salad. Jake and Ryan followed soon after, sitting opposite her with plates piled high. Did they leave any food for anyone else?
She eyed them both in turn and then pointed her fork at their enormous food mountains. “That’s a heart attack on a plate.”
Ryan laughed and Jake grinned at her. “We work our asses off to eat like this.”
“And this is only round one,” Ryan told her.
Jake looked down at her modest salad with disgust. “Seriously, Fin. You don’t come to an all you can eat restaurant for the rabbit food.”
Her stomach flipped over when she met Ryan’s eyes. He was looking at her like she was a frosty ice cream and he’d just escaped the burning fires of Hell. She’d be lucky to choke down a piece of lettuce at this rate. “I’m not that hungry,” she muttered.
Jake shrugged. “So what movie are we supposed to be seeing?”
Fin finished chewing the dull tasting piece of tomato and after swallowing told him the title of the movie.
He shook his head. “Not happening.”
Stabbing at a piece of lettuce, she raised her brows and looked at him. “Fine. You don’t have to come.”
“It’s girly fluff, Fin. At least choose something we can all watch.”
Her lips twitching, she tossed a piece of lettuce at him. “What? You don’t like girly fluff?”
Jake used his fork to flick away the piece of lettuce contaminating his plate. “Not that kind,” he grumbled.
Later that evening, Ryan bought the tickets for the movie and Jake loaded them all down with popcorn.
“Haven’t you eaten enough?” she mumbled as the crowds of people swarmed around her. Getting jostled, she clutched the popcorn to her chest, watching some of it spill over and scatter carelessly on the carpeted floor.
Ryan looked down at her. “How can you go to the movies and not get popcorn?”
With Jake in front of her and Ryan behind, they walked up the dark cinema steps as a movie trailer blared wildly on the giant screen. She stumbled and Ryan grabbed her elbow to steady her.
Flustered, she murmured, “Thanks.”
Her heart pounded when his large, warm hand reached out and took hold of hers. She should’ve tugged it free, especially in light of her earlier anger, but the brief contact felt so good. He gave it a squeeze as Jake guided them into a row of seats, and Fin forced herself to let go when they sat down.
As wild gunfire and ominous music exploded in the background, Jake leaned in and grinned. “Now aren’t you glad I chose something we can all watch?”
Frankly, she didn’t care all that much what they saw. With Ryan sitting next to her, she’d be lucky to remember what the name of the movie was.
Torture. Sitting next to Fin in the dark cinema was complete and utter torture. Since arriving at the cottage, his desire for her had reignited and it had been snowballing ever since, growing wild and out of control until his hands, now fisted on his lap, shook from it.
Eventually the movie finished, and as they stood, he stretched slightly, the pull on his aching muscles from the morning’s workout easing some of his tension.
As they made their way back to the car, he hoped like hell Jake didn’t talk about the movie on the way home. He couldn’t remember any of it.
Jake glanced at Fin in the rear view mirror as he pulled out of the car park and asked her where Ian was tonight. Ryan felt like growling at the mention of his name.
“Long shift tonight at work, but he’s taking me out tomorrow night, and then he’ll be at the party.”
The farewell party. Ryan felt a dull ache pound through his temples as he stared at his reflection in the car window. Two more days of Fin and most of it belonged to Ian.
Whose fault is that, you dumb fuck?
He shook his head. Fin was right. He was still carrying around a load of hurt and he couldn’t let go of it. It did own him—that deep shaft of guilt, the pain that had caused his family to implode—had him in its grip. And until he owned it, just like she said, he could never be the man she needed—only the man who wanted her with every burning fibre of his body. The only question was how would he let go of the secret he’d kept hidden from the one person who meant more to him than anyone else? His Mum and Dad had turned their back on him and Ryan couldn’t blame them. What if Fin did too? He wouldn’t survive it.
Her cousin, Laura, sidled up next to Fin and muttered, “Smile, Fin. It’s your farewell party, not your funeral.”
Fin tore her eyes away from where Ryan stood across the room—so unbelievably handsome in his military dress uniform—and smiled at Laura.
A passing waiter paused in front of her, and she plucked a glass of champagne from his tray with a murmured thank you.
Her previous farewell party had been more of an impromptu barbecue in the backyard, but with both Jake and Ryan at home this time, her mother had gone all out.
Now here they stood under glittering lights, black tie and evening gowns, drinking and eating finger food while her stomach tied itself in knots.
“Fin?”
Fin sipped at her champagne. “Hmm?”
“Where’s Ian?”
She thought back to the conversation she had with Ian last night and swallowed the bitterness.
“It’s probably a good idea I’m not there,” he’d told her.
“But…it’s my farewell party. I’ll be gone early the next morning.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think I’m up for celebrating you leaving, baby.”
Rachael bumped her shoulder. “Earth to Fin?” She ran her eyes over Fin’s low cut, shimmery gold dress with admiration. “Glad you retired the sweatpants for the evening,” she joked.
“Ian couldn’t make it,” she blurted out.
Her champagne glass held aloft, Rachael raised a brow at her. “Why not?”
“Work,” Fin lied and tossed back the rest of her drink. The bubbles fizzed going down her throat, and she scrunched her nose.
“That’s a bit rich,” Rachael muttered.
Taking a deep breath, Fin plastered a smile on her face and nudged Rachael. “So where’s this so-called best present that ever lived?”
Rachael nodded towards Laura. “It’s from the both of us, and Laura’s already had Jake put it in the car for you.”
“You have to take it with you,” Laura told her, smirking in a way that made Fin nervous. “Don’t open it until you arrive at Casey Station, okay?”
Fin pressed her lips together, tears blurring her vision as she grabbed blindly for Rachael’s hand. She gave it a squeeze. “I’m going to miss you two.”
“Group hug!” Rachael cried.
They huddled in together and she saw a flashbulb go off. Then a hand grabbed hold of her arm and Jake was elbowing his way into their huddle.
“Quit hogging my little sister.” He looked down at her. “Dance with me?”
Laura burst out laughing at something Rachael said as Jake dragged her away.
One hand on her waist, the other on her shoulder, Jake twirled her around the dance floor. “How many whales are you saving this time, Fin?”
She rolled her eyes at him. “I’m not on a save the whale crusade, Jake.”
He grinned down as he spun her around. “Really?”
“We’re testing pollutants and the progress of climate change in the Antarctic,” she told him snootily. “It’s importan
t work.”
“Preaching to the choir, honey.” His eyes softened on her face. “I’m proud of you.”
She nodded, a lump rising in her throat. “I know. These two weeks have gone so fast. I can’t believe I’m leaving in the morning.”
“Onwards and upwards.”
“You’ll take care of Crookshanks while I’m gone, won’t you?”
“That conceited ball of fluff will be just fine, don’t you worry.”
As the song started winding down, Ryan cut in. “May I?”
Jake took a step back and looked between Ryan and Fin. He gave a short nod. “Of course.”
As she stepped into Ryan’s arms, The Scientist by Coldplay started threading its bittersweet song around them. Ryan placed both hands on her hips, pulling her close, and she wound her arms around his neck. With his dark eyes locked on hers, the words of the song filtered through and tears blurred her vision.
“Fin,” he whispered thickly.
“Smile!” she heard her mum yell. Fin pulled Ryan in close and they both turned, smiling as the flash went off.
They started dancing again when her mum moved off, snapping more photos.
“Ryan, I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything, Fin. Just … let me hold you, okay?”
Pressed against his chest, she could feel his heart beating heavily and she closed her eyes. As the song slowly faded out, another song kicked in and she was dragged away from Ryan and into the arms of her dad.
“How’s my girl?” He beamed down at her, spinning her quickly away as a livelier tune began.
Ryan’s eyes held hers until the crowd swallowed him up and she couldn’t see him anymore.
Fin rolled over in bed and glared at the clock. Two a.m. glared right back at her. Bunching her pillow, she huffed as she tried to find the peace that eluded her.
Her bedroom door opened so quietly she wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t seen the brief flicker of moonlight stream through.
She sat up, brushing tousled waves from her face as it clicked shut. Her eyes fell on Ryan walking silently to her bed. In a pair of sweatpants, his chest was bare. Muscled ridges, tattoos and deep scars greeted her as he reached her bedside.
“Ryan?”
“Shhh,” he whispered softly and lifting up the sheet, climbed into bed beside her. He tugged her close.
Fin put her hands between them, splaying them flat on his chest. The heat of him burned her skin. “Ryan … Ian is—”
“Don’t say his name. Tonight you’re mine. If Ian wanted you as much as he fucking claims he does, he’d be here right now where I am, dragging out every last minute he could get with you.” Ryan’s hands slid down the small of her back and underneath the elastic of her panties until his hands gripped her ass. “He’d be the one touching you.” He leaned in and bit her earlobe sharply before licking it better and she shivered. “He’d be the one tasting you,” he breathed in her ear. “But he’s not here. I am. I’m the one touching you. I’m the one holding you, because you’ve never been his.”
Ryan’s mouth travelled across her jaw until it hovered over hers.
“Kiss me, Fin,” he whispered against her lips. “Please.”
Tears burned her eyes at his desperate plea. Hardly daring to breathe, she pressed her lips lightly against his. Ryan groaned at the touch and crushed his mouth down on hers. Fin opened her mouth under his, and when his tongue touched hers, she moaned. Her hands slid from his chest, downwards, until they were tugging at the waistband of his sweatpants. Shuddering, Ryan reached up and fisted her hair, tilting her head as he kissed her hard.
When he pulled back, he was breathing heavy, his lips swollen. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured.
Her chest tightened under the intensity of his eyes. “So are you.”
Ryan shook his head as he hovered over her in the bed. “I carry scars, Fin, both inside and out.”
“Everyone’s perception of beauty is different.”
“Fin, I—”
She cut him off, kissing him, and he groaned, his body pressing her into the bed. He slid his hand between them, skimming down until he reached the edge of her panties. He broke the kiss, panting hard as he fumbled with the elastic before sliding his hand between her thighs.
Ryan groaned as he touched the slick heat of her.
“Ryan, I can’t …” She drew in a deep, shaky breath. “I can’t be the person that does this to someone else. I want you so much, but the guilt. I don’t know if I can—”
“Stop,” he whispered. He slid his hand from her panties and buried his face in her neck. She could feel his hot breath as he shuddered against her, fighting for control.
“I’m sorry,” she choked out.
“Please don’t be sorry,” he mumbled against her skin. “Don’t ever be sorry. Guilt is the one thing I can’t let you live with, baby. I won’t do that to you, even if it kills me.”
Fin swallowed the lump in her throat. After a beat of silence, she asked, “Ryan, will you stay?”
Ryan nodded wordlessly and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close until it was almost difficult to breathe under the heat of his body. She turned, her lips brushing his, and he licked along her bottom lip before kissing her softly.
He closed his eyes briefly. “Be safe out there, Fin.”
“You too, Ryan.”
Wound tightly together, they drifted off to sleep, and when five a.m. came, Fin got up and dressed quietly. A light tap came at her bedroom door. Picking up her bag, her hand fell on the door handle and she turned, her eyes taking in Ryan where he lay sleeping heavily. He’d rolled onto his stomach, revealing more tattoos and thick muscle. One hand rested beneath the pillow, the other fisted near his face. His dark hair, cut so short when he arrived, was starting to grow. It made him look like the young boy he used to be.
Fin tucked the memory away and opened the bedroom door. Slipping out quietly, she pulled it shut behind her.
“Ready to go?” Jake asked softly.
No. She ached to feel Ryan’s eyes on her one last time, see his smile, and feel his lips against hers. He was just metres away from her, yet an ocean already lay between them.
Fin closed her eyes. “Yes,” she whispered.
Jake picked up the last of her bags from the hallway and grinned at her.
“Did you pack your Supergirl suit for those special occasions?”
She chuckled through tears. “I love you, Jake.”
Slinging his arm around her shoulder, he pulled her in for a hard hug. “Love you too, honey.”
Six months later
Fremantle, Western Australia
Dusk was falling when Fin fitted the key in the lock and swung the front door wide.
“I’m home!” she called out. Her voice echoed through the empty space as she wheeled her bags through and tossed her keys on the side table. Slamming the door shut behind her, she walked down the hallway. A glance to her left showed Jake’s empty room, the bed stripped down. Farther down, a glance inside the guest room where Ryan had slept was just as empty.
She walked in the room and closed her eyes, trailing her fingers over the bare mattress. Nothing was left behind, not even the scent of him to remind her he’d even been there.
The phone rang and with a shake of her head, Fin left the room. Fumbling through her bag, she picked it up and answered.
“Finlay?”
“Mum.”
“You’re home, honey? Why didn’t you ring us to come get you?”
Fin walked into the kitchen and reached up, pulling down a bottle of red from her little wine rack. “It’s fine. I just caught a cab.”
“Oh,” her mum muttered, disappointment obvious. “Well. When do we get to see you?”
Fin poured wine into her glass. “Tomorrow? I’m tired, Mum. It’s been a long day.”
“Okay. Lunch?”
“Sounds good. How’s Crookshanks?”
“Your devil cat is just fine.” br />
Fin sighed as she rested her hip against the kitchen counter. “What’s he done now?”
“He’s clawed grooves into the whole left side of your father’s favourite recliner.”
Fin smothered a laugh. “Poor Dad. I don’t think Crookshanks likes him.”
“That’s an understatement,” her mother muttered.
“Alright, Mum. I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Bye, honey.”
Pushing away from the counter, Fin got to the task of unpacking her suitcase and sorting what needed to be washed. The last thing to come out was the present from Rachael and Laura, buried beneath as many layers of clothes as she could manage. She should have known that the so-called best present that ever lived was one that required batteries. Her face still flamed just thinking about the way the security attendant looked her over while her luggage was being X-rayed. He’d followed it up with a suggestive wink after handing over her bags, leaving her baffled until she arrived at Casey Station and opened the gift.
After relegating the box to the bottom drawer of her bedside table, Fin picked up her laptop and carried it to the living room along with her wine.
After sitting it on the coffee table, she switched it on and the desktop photo greeted her: Ryan in his military uniform; Fin’s gold dress shimmering under the lights as he held her close. Their smiles were bright for the camera, but she could see the sadness in his eyes.
Tapping at the keyboard, she called up the email Ryan sent six weeks ago. It was the only one she’d received from him since she left.
Fin,
We’ve been called up early.
Heading back to Afghanistan in two weeks.
To be honest I can’t wait. Being here when you’re not is like another kind of war because you’re everywhere—your face, your smile, the sweet smell of you. Only it’s a war I can’t seem to fight.
Don’t hope for us, Fin. Please. I can’t have you wasting your life waiting for someone who might never return, and remember what I told you once before—don’t let anyone stop you from being who you need to be.
Be safe.