“W-what do you mean?” My head was swimming.
“Well, I’m not going to tell anyone, but forging Silas Garrett’s signature and requisitioning part of the royal army? That’s ten kinds of treason if you get caught. That’s a death sentence back in Osfrid.” He looked me over with such scrutiny, I could fully believe he was a master tracker. “You must have someone who thinks very highly of you to take a risk like this. Good luck with everything, Miss Viana. I hope that girl turns up.”
When he’d left, I shut the door and leaned my back against it, closing my eyes. There was no question in my mind about which person knew Silas well enough to forge his signature. But I’d become unsure if that person cared if I lived or died.
I opened my eyes, took a deep breath, and returned upstairs with renewed purpose. My heart felt too big for my chest as I grabbed a new wig and made the attic climb. The path by the marsh was patched with standing water from the storm, but I barely even noticed the mud or branches whipping against me. My steps felt light, and the stars above me seemed to burn more brightly than ever, with Ariniel’s star the most radiant of them all.
Signs of the storm still marked Cape Triumph, but it was otherwise business as usual. I turned down the familiar streets and then hesitated—only for a moment—at the bottom of Grant’s staircase. After another deep breath, I made my way up and knocked.
The door slowly opened, and Grant peered out, not looking entirely surprised to see me. He leaned against the doorway and waited.
My whole body trembled with nervous energy. “Why did you do it? You could’ve lost everything! Not just your cover and chance with the Balanquans. You put your life on the line! Why, Grant? Why would you risk all that?”
“Because it was for you,” he said simply. “And I like you.”
“But only a little.”
He shook his head. “A lot.”
I studied him intently, drinking in all those features I felt like I hadn’t seen in years. The lines of his body, the shape of his face, the unruly hair. But it was his eyes I finally settled on. “If you like me so much, then why haven’t you asked me inside?”
He arched an eyebrow. “Do you want to come inside?”
“I want to kiss you. And I’ll do it out here if I have to.”
“Oh, well. In that case . . .”
His arm snaked around my waist, and he pulled me to him, kissing me as we stumbled inside. He managed to kick the door closed with one foot and then pressed me against it. Reluctantly, breathlessly, he broke the kiss but leaned so close that our foreheads touched. He cupped my face with his hands.
“Promise me you won’t storm out again.”
“I won’t, if you give me a reason to stay.”
He kissed me again and then scooped me up in his arms. “I’ll give you a lot of them.”
CHAPTER 29
“SOME THINGS WERE THE SAME,” I REMARKED. “BUT SOME things were different.”
Grant shifted closer to me in the bed and draped an arm around my waist, which was an astonishingly intimate action for him. “Thank you for that specific feedback. I’ll be sure to make note of it.”
“Don’t worry.” I shifted to my side, and he curled up at my back. “It was still fine.”
His response to that was a small grunt of amusement, and then he kissed my shoulder before resting his cheek against it. He knew perfectly well that it had been more than “fine.” It was still wondrous to me that I could feel so many things. And it was almost more extraordinary to have any space of time when the world simplified to just me and him. No machinations. No half-truths. No arguing. Of course, there was also no acknowledgment of what would happen with us in the future. Through some unspoken agreement, we were ignoring that detail.
We let ourselves stay entangled in that contentment for a while until Grant finally asked, “Are you okay?”
“You’re still worried about that? Do I really need to elaborate on ‘fine’?”
“No, not that. Tamsin.”
Her name cut through the spell that had wrapped around me, and I felt a sudden pain in my chest. What right did I have to this warmth and security when Tamsin was . . . what? What was she? Where was she? Cold? Alone? Still in this world?
“I’m sorry,” he said when I didn’t answer. The words were for my loss, I realized, not for bringing her up.
“She’s not dead,” I said vehemently. I rolled over and saw the skepticism in his eyes. “She’s not! She’s a survivor. She’s somewhere . . . I don’t know where . . . but not dead!”
“Okay, okay. Then what happened to her?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But the whole story is so strange. She wouldn’t have panicked and run away. And those rangers didn’t find any trace of her at all. Even with the storm, there should have been something.”
Who was I trying to convince? Me or him? He didn’t push the issue anymore, but I knew he still had his doubts. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, some of my own gnawed at me too. The storm had wreaked destruction everywhere. I had to acknowledge the very real possibility that fate hadn’t spared her a second time.
Silence fell over us, but I didn’t expect it to last. Grant couldn’t help himself. Even happy and at peace in a moment like this, his mind couldn’t stop spinning.
“Are you engaged yet?” His face and tone were forcibly neutral.
“No. But I don’t know how long that’ll last. I don’t have enough to pay off the contract myself. I can’t even pay off Lonzo’s bond yet.”
“How much has your alter ego earned?”
“Fifteen. And there won’t be any more. That’s done.” I could tell Grant wanted some elaboration, but I stayed tight-lipped. “And I really should’ve told you about that. About all of it. Rupert Chambers and Lady Aviel.”
“No,” Grant said after waiting a beat. “Not if you weren’t ready. And I shouldn’t have attacked you for it.” He let that hang between us a moment more. “So. Money. You’ll have fifty from the case.”
I had to retrain myself to keep up with his abrupt topic changes. “I’m not part of the case anymore.”
“You’re part of it,” he said firmly.
“Well, it doesn’t look like it’s getting wrapped up anytime soon.”
He didn’t deny it. “I can give you twenty-five.”
“Twenty-five?” I studied his face for some sign of a joke. “What happened to not having five to your name?”
“I wasn’t at Molly Siegel’s because I liked spending extra time with the patrol.”
I sat up in shock. “You risked what money you did have on a poker game?”
He looked ridiculously smug. “Lots of poker games, actually—well, until I got banned after the Flower Fest. Twenty-five would go a long way for you.”
“I’d almost have Lonzo’s bond. Not enough for my own contract, though.” Still, a surge of excitement shot through me. Forty gold. So close to Lonzo’s freedom. But then . . . “No, I can’t. I can’t accept that. It’s yours. Don’t worry about me. Just focus on figuring out this conspiracy. I still get the money that way, and you can go back to the Balanquans.”
Grant shifted away, onto his back, and stared upward. “I should’ve told you about that before . . . everything.”
“Not if you weren’t ready.” He smiled at his words being echoed back. “And I was so worked up, I didn’t really hear what you were saying. I heard, but I didn’t understand. I do now, and . . . I think you should do it. You need to reclaim that piece of you that was lost. It’s just that . . . I’ll miss you.”
Even just in profile, I could see the astonishment in his face. He kept his eyes trained upward. “The eastern part of the Empire is beautiful. It’s where all the cities are, all the art and culture. The ambassadors will visit there, but I’ve heard they’ll spend most of their time in the west.
It’s less settled out there. Colder, wilder. But still beautiful. You’d like it.”
Another quiet stretch, both of us lost in thought, until I finally managed to say, “I think . . . I think I’d maybe like to see that someday. The lands up north.” It took as much effort for me to reference the passing offer he’d made the last time we were in bed, the one I’d dismissed in anger. I was no better than he was at admitting certain things.
Grant slowly turned his head and regarded me with something almost like apprehension. “Would you?”
“Yes, but . . .” Now I averted my eyes and stared off at the flame of a small candle. “I have to . . .”
“Your brother.”
I nodded, still unable to look at him. He sat up beside me and turned my face toward his. He kissed me. Long. Deeply. I wrapped my arms around his neck and wished the world could just be this simple.
“Can I come back tomorrow?” I asked, when I was finally able to draw away.
He ran a hand through my hair. “Bas agiba kor; kalichi hanek.”
“What does it mean?”
“‘The dam has burst; make way for the river.’”
I couldn’t stop the grin that spread over my face. “Well, well, you do recite poetry in bed.”
He smiled back, but there was an uneasiness to it. “It’s more of a warning than anything sentimental. It’s a proverb for when there’s no going back.”
I moved with a lightness in my step when I left. It was hard not to, with my body still humming and content. But it was countered by the darkness of all the uncertainty that hung over me. Uncertainty about what exactly was between us. Uncertainty about saving Lonzo. Uncertainty about my own future.
And Tamsin.
She’s alive, she’s alive, I told myself. There’s just more to this than we know yet.
I reached the crossroads where I’d normally turn to reach the city’s main gate, but I stopped instead—so abruptly that a group of men stumbled into me. I stared down the street that led to the Dancing Bull and made a decision.
My Aviel wig had been irrevocably ruined in the storm. The one I wore now was a deeper gold, and I’d braided it back to further conceal me. Now, as I walked, I shook it all out. The color was close enough. I’d worn the mask out of habit, even though the warming weather no longer required it. And even without the starry cloak, the rest of my clothes would make me recognizable.
Sure enough, the tavern came to a standstill when I entered. Tom and his regulars sat at their usual table, and a couple of the men stood up. One of them was Elijah. “You’re alive!” he said, relief visible on his rough face.
Tom remained sitting, with no change in expression. He brought a mug to his lips and drank deeply. “I told you she was.”
“I’m surprised you gave me any thought at all,” I said icily. “You certainly didn’t last night.”
Tom grimaced and set his mug down with a thump. “Excuse me, gentlemen. This is a conversation best done in private, I think.”
He led me to the door in the back, the one where all the goods and supplies came and went from. Stepping through it, I found myself on a landing next to a stairwell that led underground, into darkness. Tom shut the door and faced me.
“I’m so thrilled to see you, my dear,” he said. “Though, as I said, I wasn’t worried about your safety. Not when I heard that the crew of the Sun’s Promise miraculously made it off. I knew exactly which agent of divinity had helped with that.”
I crossed my arms. “Were you so certain of miracles when you left me and those sailors to die?”
“I didn’t want any of you to die! You have to know that.”
“Then why did you leave? You only had to wait a few minutes.” I held up a hand. “No, don’t answer because I already know why. You wanted to get your gunpowder back to land before the storm got worse. You needed your profit because, as it turns out, you really do value your agenda more than your followers.”
“Aviel, it was a tense situation. I had to make an ugly decision, right then and there. Everyone’s scrambling for ammunition these days. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s worth a fortune.”
“I hope you got it then. Because I’ve come for my pay—unless you’re betraying me on that.”
“Of course not.” He reached into a pocket and took out two crown coins, each worth twenty-five gold. “And I swear, we won’t do anything next time that—”
“Next time? Are you serious?” I studied his face. He was. “Tom, there isn’t going to be a next time. I’m done with all of this.”
Now he doubted that I was serious. “Whatever for? You’ve done so well.”
“At boosting your image. That’s why you want to keep me.”
“Not true. We’ve done all sorts of great things together. If you want more pay—”
“I want to be done with this,” I interrupted, trying to keep my cool. “And I hope you aren’t going to try and stop me.”
He rolled his eyes behind the mask. “Of course not. But you’re being completely unreasonable! Look at the gold you’ve made. Look at the good you’ve done! Look at the poor you’ve helped. Look at the corrupt you’ve brought in line.”
“Through selfish, immoral, and illegal means.”
“Sometimes justice has a cost. Sometimes it requires sacrifice and unpleasant deeds. But the greater good justifies those tough choices.”
Tough choices. I stared, at a loss for words, suddenly having the surreal sensation that I could have been standing in front of my father. And that, I realized, was exactly how I’d been behaving. I’d hated what my father had asked me to do. But I’d always felt guilty for walking away when I could have possibly done something to help others. Tom had provided a redemption, a chance to strike out against those who’d take advantage of others. I’d believed I was fighting for justice in a new way. A better way. But at its heart, it was the same: a crusade that made its own rules and, no matter how extreme, found a way to justify them—even at the expense of others. Tom was as blind as my father had been.
“Thank you,” I said softly. “Thank you for helping me realize that this has never been my path, that I have to find a new one and stop repeating the past.”
His eyebrows knit in confusion. “You’re not making any sense.”
“I want to make the world safe. I want to protect others. But not this way. Not by picking and choosing rules. Not by making a profit on the side. I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I really am finished here. And I don’t plan on ever seeing you again.”
I could tell Tom didn’t quite know how to react. He was used to being admired and fawned over. He didn’t get dismissed. “You’re making a mistake! What we do here is bigger than you realize. You have the chance to be part of something great. Others would kill for the chance I’m offering you.”
“Then let them. I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear you’ve got an opening.”
Tom thrust the coins into my hand and jerked the door open. “Go,” he said, pointing. “Enjoy your money. You earned it. I’m glad your high morals don’t interfere with you reaping the rewards of ‘picking and choosing rules.’”
His words and smug expression felt like a slap to the face. I stared down at the coins. Fifty gold. The rest of Lonzo’s bond. But it was fifty gold stolen from someone else’s pocket. Fifty gold that nearly cost a ship full of sailors their lives. And what kind of men was that dangerous cargo being sold to?
Lonzo, forgive me. But I know you wouldn’t want it this way.
I turned my hands and let the coins clatter to the floor.
“Farewell, Tom.”
I left the Dancing Bull with my head held high, keeping my expression imperious and detached. Inside, I still couldn’t believe I’d let the money go when Lonzo was still tied to a dangerous job. Did it really matter how he got the money? Yes. Yes, it did. I had any
number of other ways to get the rest. Rupert. Grant. After all, I was a girl who made her own options when no others were there.
I went back to Grant the next night. And the night after that. And the night after that.
The only night I didn’t go to him was when he had a patrol, and I was surprised at how keenly I missed . . . what? What was it I missed? What we did in bed? Or did I maybe just miss him?
Cornelius Chambers invited me to tea that afternoon, and I endured his and Lavinia’s not-so-subtle suggestions about how my contract would be coming due soon and how amazing their southern beach house was. Rupert listened with amusement and told me as I was departing, “Don’t let them bully you, my dear. Fight until the end.”
I held those words in my heart on the ride back home. They emboldened me—at least until dinner at Wisteria Hollow, when Jasper casually said to Charles, “Good news at last. I received a message from Warren Doyle today. He feels terrible about the incident and has offered to make up the loss to us by paying Tamsin’s marriage price.”
The fork dropped out of my hand and hit the plate with a clang. Everyone turned and stared. “I . . . excuse me.” I shoved my chair back and jumped to my feet. “I don’t feel well.”
I hurried upstairs and covered my mouth to keep from screaming. I wanted to go back downstairs and rip Jasper Thorn apart, just as my heart had been. He feels terrible about the incident and has offered to make up the loss to us by paying Tamsin’s marriage price. There was no price in this world that could make up for her loss! But why should I be surprised Jasper wouldn’t see it that way? He hadn’t even been willing to lend Cedric any money to marry Adelaide. Why should one girl matter more than his own son?
The next night, I nearly ran to Grant’s. He hardly got a greeting out when I entered. I pushed him onto the bed and surprised myself with the feverish way I went after him. I couldn’t get enough of him. I couldn’t touch him enough. I couldn’t get close enough.