Ham staggered, as well he might, under the blow Mr. Peggotty dealt him in his unbounded joy, as a mark of confidence and friendship, but, feeling called upon to say something to us, he said, with much faltering. and great difficulty :
"She warn't no higher than you was, Mas'r Davy--when you first come--when I thought what she'd grow up to be. I see her grow up--gentlmen--tike a flower. I'd lay down my life for her--Mas'r Davy--Oh! most content and cheerful! She's more to me--gent'lmen--than--she's all to me that ever I can want and more than ever I--than ever I could say. I--I love her true. There ain't a gent'lman in all the land--nor yet sailing upon all the sea--that can love his lady more than I love her, though there's many a common man--would say better--what he meant."
I thought it affecting to see such a sturdy fellow as Ham was now, trembling in the strength of what he felt for the pretty little creature who had won his heart. I thought the simple confidence reposed in us by Mr. Peggotty and by himself, was, in itself, affecting. I was affected by the story altogether. How far my emotions were influenced by the recollections of my childhood, I don't know. Whether I had come there with any lingering fancy that I was still to love little Em'ly, I don't know. I know that I was filled with pleasure by all this, but, at first, with an indescribably sensitive pleasure, that a very little would have changed to pain.
Therefore, if it had depended upon me to touch the prevailing chord among them with any skill, I should have made a poor hand of it. But it depended upon Steerforth, and he did it with such address, that in a few minutes we were all as easy and as happy as it was possible to be.
"Mr. Peggotty," he said, "you are a thoroughly good fellow, and deserve to be as happy as you are tonight. My hand upon it! Ham, I give you joy, my boy. My hand upon that, too! Daisy, stir the fire, and make it a brisk one! and Mr. Peggotty, unless you can induce your gentle niece to come back (for whom I vacate this seat in the comer), I shall go. Any gap at your fireside on such a night--such a gap least of all--I wouldn't make, for the wealth of the Indies!" '
So Mr. Peggotty went into my old room to fetch little Em'ly. At first, little Em'ly didn't like to come, and then Ham went. Presently they brought her to the fireside, very much confused, and very shy, but she soon became more assured when she found how gently and respectfully Steerforth spoke to her, how skilfully he avoided anything that would embarrass her, how he talked to Mr. Peggotty of boats, and ships, and tides, and fish, how he referred to me about the time when he had seen Mr. Peggotty at Salem House, how delighted he was with the boat and all belonging to it, how lightly and easily he carried on, until he brought us, by degrees, into a charmed circle, and we were all talking away without any reserve.
Em'ly, indeed, said little all the evening, but she looked, and listened, and her face got animated, and she was charming. Steerforth told a story of a dismal shipwreck (which arose out of his talk with Mr. Peggotty), as if he saw it all before him--and little Em'ly's eyes were fastened on him all the time, as if she saw it too. He told us a merry adventure of his own, as a relief to that, with as much gaiety as if the narrative were as fresh to him as it was to us--and little Em'ly laughed until the boat rang with the musical sounds, and we all laughed (Steerforth too), in irresistible sympathy with what was so pleasant and light-hearted. He got Mr. Peggotty to sing, or rather to roar, "When the stormy winds do blow, do blow, do blow," and he sang a sailor's song himself, so pathetically and beautifully that I could have almost fancied that the real wind creeping sorrowfully round the house, and murmuring low through our unbroken silence, was there to listen.
[Mrs. Gummidge as usual was taken poorly in her spirits when we showed a disposition to be merry, and was as usual adjured by Mr. Peggotty to cheer up.
"No, Dan'l," said Mrs. Gummidge, shaking her head, "I gets worse and worse. I had far better go in the House tomorrow afore breakfast."
"No, no," cried Steerforth, "don't say so! What's the matter?"
"You don't know me, sir," said the doleful Gummidge, "or you wouldn't ask."
"The loss is mine," said Steerforth coaxingly, "but let us know each other better. What's the matter?"
Mrs. Gummidge shed tears, and stated her unfortunate condition in the usual terms. "I'm a lone lorn creetur', and everythink goes contrairy with me!"
"No!" cried Steerforth, "why, we must be designed by Heaven for one another. I'm a lone lorn creature myself, and everything has gone contrary with me from my cradle. Mr. Peggotty, will you change places, and allow me to sit next her?"
The immediate effect of this on Mrs. Gummidge was to make her laugh, "You lone and lorn!" cried Mrs. Gummidge, peevishly. "Yes! Your looks is like it!"
"They are as like it as yours are," said Steerforth, taking his seat beside her.
"Indeed!" said Mrs. Gummidge, with another laugh. "Ay, indeed!" cried Steerforth. "Come! Let us be lone and lorn together. Everything shall go contrary with us both, and we'll go contrary with all the world."
It was in vain for Mrs. Gummidge to resist this league, or to try to push him away. He sat there all the rest of the evening, and, whenever Mrs. Gummidge began to shake her head, repeated his proposal. The consequence was that Mrs. Gummidge was continually laughing and pushing him, and had so little leisure for being miserable that she said next day she thought she must have been bewitched.]
But he set up no monopoly of the general attention, or the conversation. When little Em'ly grew more courageous, and talked (but still bashfully) across the fire to me, of our old wanderings upon the beach, to pick up shells and pebbles, and when I asked her if she recollected how I used to be devoted to her, and when we both laughed and reddened, casting these looks back on the pleasant old times, so unreal to look at now, he was silent and attentive, and observed us thoughtfully. She sat, at this time, and all the evening, on the old locker in her old little corner by the fire, with Ham beside her, where I used to sit. I could not satisfy myself whether it was in her own little tormenting way, or in a maidenly reserve before us, that she kept quite close to the wall, and away from him, but I observed that she did so, all the evening.
As I remember, it was almost midnight when we took our leave. We had had some biscuit and dried fish for supper, and Steerforth had produced from his pocket a full flask of Hol-lands, which we men (I may say we men, now, without a blush) had emptied. We parted merrily, and, as they all stood crowded round the door to light us as far as they could upon our road, I saw the sweet blue eyes of little Em'ly peeping after us, from behind Ham, and heard her soft voice calling to us to be careful how we went.
"A most engaging little Beauty!" said Steerforth, taking my arm. "Well! It's a quaint place, and they are quaint company, and it's quite a new sensation to mix with them."
"How fortunate we are, too," I returned, "to have arrived to witness their happiness in that intended marriage! I never saw people so happy. How delightful to see it, and to be made the sharers in their honest joy, as we have been!"
"That's rather a chuckle-headed fellow for the girl, isn't he?" said Steerforth.
He had been so hearty with him, and with them all, that I felt a shock in this unexpected and cold reply. But turning quickly upon him, and seeing a laugh in his eyes, I answered, much relieved:
"Ah, Steerforth ! It's well for you to joke about the poor! You may skirmish with Miss Dartle, or try to hide your sympathies in jest from me, but I know better. When I see how perfectly you understand them, how exquisitely you can enter into happiness like this plain fisherman's, or humour a love like my old nurse's, I know that there is not a joy or sorrow, not an emotion, of such people, that can be indifferent to you. And I admire and love you for it, Steerforth, twenty times the morel"
He stopped, and looking in my face, said: "Daisy, I believe you are in earnest, and are good. I wish we all were!" Next moment he was gaily singing Mr. Peggotty's song, as we walked at a round pace back to Yarmouth.
CHAPTER XXII
Some Old Scenes, and Some New People
STEERFORTH
AND I STAYED FOR MORE THAN A FORTNIGHT IN that part of the country. We were very much together, I need not say, but occasionally we were asunder for some hours at a time. He was a good sailor, and I was but an indifferent one, and when he went out boating with Mr. Peggotty, which was a favourite amusement of his, I generally remained ashore. My occupation of Peggotty's spare-room put a constraint upon me, from which he was free, for, knowing how assiduously she attended on Mr. Barkis all day, I did not like to remain out late at night, whereas Steerforth, lying at the Inn, had nothing to consult but his own humour. Thus it came about that I heard of his making little treats for the fishermen at Mr. Peggotty's house of call, "The Willing Mind," after I was in bed, and of his being afloat, wrapped in fishermen's clothes, whole moonlight nights, and coming back when the morning tide was at flood. By this time, however, I knew that this restless nature and bold spirits delighted to find a vent in rough toil and hard weather, as in any other means of excitement that presented itself freshly to him, so none of his proceedings surprised me.
Another cause of our being sometimes apart was, that I had naturally an interest in going over to Blunderstone, and revisiting the old familiar scenes of my childhood, while Steerforth, after being there once, had naturally no great interest in going there again. Hence, on three or four days that I can at once recall, we went our several ways after an early breakfast, and met again at a late dinner. I had no idea how he employed his time in the interval, beyond a general knowledge that he was very popular in the place, and had twenty means of actively diverting himself where another man might not have found one.
For my own part, my occupation in my solitary pilgrimages was to recall every yard of the old road as I went along it, and to haunt the old spots, of which I never tired. I haunted them, as my memory had often done, and lingered among them as my younger thoughts had lingered when I was far away. The grave beneath the tree, where both my parents lay --on which I had looked out, when it was my father's only, with such curious feelings of compassion, and by which I had stood, so desolate, when it was opened to receive my pretty mother and her baby--the grave which Peggotty's own faithful care had ever since kept neat, and made a garden of, I walked near, by the hour. It lay a little off the churchyard path, in a quiet corner, not so far removed but I could read the names upon the stone as I walked to and fro, startled by the sound of the church-bell when it struck the hour, for it was like a departed voice to me. My reflections at these times were always associated with the figure I was to make in life, and the distinguished things I was to do. My echoing footsteps went to no other tune, but were as constant to that as if I had come home to build my castles in the air at a living mother's side.
There were great changes in my old home. The ragged nests, so long deserted by the rooks, were gone, and the trees were lopped and topped out of their remembered shapes. The garden had run wild, and half the windows of the house were shut up. It was occupied, but only by a poor lunatic gentleman, and the people who took care of him. He was always sitting at my little window, looking out into the churchyard, and I wondered whether his rambling thoughts ever went upon any of the fancies that used to occupy mine, on the rosy mornings when I peeped out of that same little window in my night-clothes, and saw the sheep quietly feeding in the light of the rising sun.
Our old neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Grayper, were gone to South America, and the rain had made its way through the roof of their empty house, and stained the outer walls. Mr. Chillip was married again to a tall, raw-boned, high-nosed wife, and they had a weazen little baby, with a heavy head that it couldn't hold up, and two weak staring eyes, with which it seemed to be always wondering why it had ever been born.
It was with a singular jumble of sadness and pleasure that I used to linger about my native place, until the reddening winter sun admonished me that it was time to start on my returning walk. But, when the place was left behind, and especially when Steerforth and I were happily seated over our dinner by a blazing fire, it was delicious to think of having been there. So it was, though in a softened degree, when I went to my neat room at night, and, turning over the leaves of the crocodile book (which was always there, upon a little table), remembered with a grateful heart how blest I was in having such a friend as Steerforth, such a friend as Peggotty, and such a substitute for what I had lost as my excellent and generous aunt.
My nearest way to Yarmouth, in coming back from these long walks, was by a ferry. It landed me on the flat between the town and the sea, which I could make straight across, and so save myself a considerable circuit by the high road. Mr. Peggotty's house being on that waste-place, and not a hundred yards out of my tract, I always looked in as I went by. Steerforth was pretty sure to be there expecting me, and we went on together through the frosty air and gathering fog towards the twinkling lights of the town.
One dark evening, when I was later than usual--for I had, that day, been making my parting visit to Blunderstone, as we were now about to return home--I found him alone in Mr. Peggotty's house, sitting thoughtfully before the fire. He was so intent upon his own reflections that he was quite unconscious of my approach. This, indeed, he might easily have been if he had been less absorbed, for footsteps fell noiselessly on the sandy ground outside, but even my entrance failed to rouse him. I was standing close to him, looking at him, and still, with a heavy brow, he was lost in his meditations.
He gave such a start when I put my hand upon his shoulder, that he made me start too.
"You come upon me," he said, almost angrily, "like a reproachful ghost!"
"I was obliged to announce myself, somehow," I replied. "Have I called you down from the stars?"
"No," he answered. "No."
"Up from anywhere, then?" said I, taking my seat near him.
"I was looking at the pictures in the fire," he returned.
"But you are spoiling them for me," said I, as he stirred it quickly with a piece of burning wood, striking out of it a train of red-hot sparks that went careering up the little chimney, and roaring out into the air.
"You would not have seen them," he returned. "I detest this mongrel time, neither day nor night. How late you are! Where have you been?"
"I have been taking leave of my usual walk," said I.
"And I have been sitting here," said Steerforth, glancing round the room, "thinking that all the people we found so glad on the night of our coming down, might--to judge from the present wasted air of the place--be dispersed, or dead, or come to I don't know what harm. David, I wish to God I had had a judicious father these last twenty years!"
"My dear Steerforth, what is the matter?"
"I wish with all my soul I had been better guided!" he exclaimed. "I wish with all my soul I could guide myself better!"
There was a passionate dejection in his manner that quite amazed me. He was more unlike himself than I could have supposed possible.
"It would be better to be this poor Peggotty, or his lout of a nephew," he said, getting up and leaning moodily against the chimney-piece, with his face towards the fire, "than to be myself, twenty times richer and twenty times wiser, and be the torment to myself that I have been, in this Devil's bark of a boat, within the last half-hour!"
I was so confounded by the alteration in him that at first I could only observe him in silence, as he stood leaning his head upon his hand, and looking gloomily down at the fire. At length I begged him, with all the earnestness I felt, to tell me what had occurred to cross him so unusually, and to let me sympathize with him, if I could not hope to advise him. Before I had well concluded, he began to laugh--fretfully at first, but soon with returning gaiety.
"Tut, it's nothing, Daisy! nothingl" he replied. "I told you at the inn in London, I am heavy company for myself, sometimes. I have been a nightmare to myself, just now--must have had one, I think. At odd dull times, nursery tales come up into the memory, unrecognized for what they are. I believe I have been confounding myself with the bad boy who 'didn't care,' and became food for lions--a
grander kind of going to the dogs, I suppose. What old women call the horrors have been creeping over me from head to foot. I have been afraid of myself."
"You are afraid of nothing else, I think," said I.
"Perhaps not, and yet may have enough to be afraid of too," he answered. "Well! So it goes by! I am not about to be hipped again, David, but I tell you, my good fellow, once more, that it would have been well for me (and for more than me) if I had had a steadfast and judicious father!"
His face was always full of expression, but I never saw it express such a dark kind of earnestness as when he said these words, with his glance bent on the fire.
"So much for that!" he said, making as if he tossed something light into the air, with his hand.
" 'Why, being gone, I am a man again,'
like Macbeth. And now for dinner! If I have not (Macbeth-like) broken up the feast with most admired disorder, Daisy."
"But where are they all, I wonder!" said I.
"God knows," said Steerforth. "After strolling to the ferry looking for you, I strolled in here and found the place deserted. That set me thinking, and you found me thinking."
The advent of Mrs. Gummidge with a basket explained how the house had happened to be empty. She had hurried out to buy something that was needed, against Mr. Peggotty's return with the tide, and had left the door open in the meanwhile, lest Ham and little Em'ly, with whom it was an early night, should come home while she was gone. Steerforth, after very much improving Mrs. Gummidge's spirits by a cheerful salutation and a jocose embrace, took my arm, and hurried me away.
He had improved his own spirits, no less than Mrs. Gummidge's, for they were again at their usual flow, and he was full of vivacious conversation as we went along.