impulse
Margaret K. McElderry Books
An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020
http://www.SimonandSchuster.com
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2007 by Ellen Hopkins
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hopkins, Ellen.
Impulse / Ellof the Grand Plan.en Hopkins.—1st ed.
p. cm.
Summary: Three teens who meet at Reno, Nevada’s Aspen Springs mental hospital after each has attempted suicide connect with one another in a way they never have with their parents or anyone else in their lives.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4169-7487-1
ISBN-10: 1-4169-7487-3
[1. Suicide—Fiction. 2. Mental illness—Fiction. 3. Psychiatric hospitals—Fiction. 4. Interpersonal relations—Fiction. 5. Novels in verse.] I. Title.
PZ7.H7747Imp 2007
[Fic]—dc22
2006007854
Visit us on the World Wide Web:
http://www.SimonSays.com
This book is dedicated to my daughter, Kelly,
who helps young people like these,
and to my friend Cheryl,
who always puts others first.
Contents
Chapter 1: Without Warning
Chapter 2: Suddenly, My Hands
Chapter 3: Triad
Chapter 4: The Thread
Chapter 5: Conner: Arrival
Chapter 6: At Least
Chapter 7: I Don’t Remember
Chapter 8: Tony: Just Saw
Chapter 9: I Lost My Mind
Chapter 10: I Wasn’t Worried
Chapter 11: Vanessa: Cloistered
Chapter 12: I Hate This Feeling
Chapter 13: The First Cut
Chapter 14: Conner: Pain Isn’t the Worst Thing
Chapter 15: It Doesn’t Seem
Chapter 16: I Reach
Chapter 17: Tony: When You Try
Chapter 18: They Kept Me
Chapter 19: The Worst Liars
Chapter 20: Vanessa: I Heard My Brother’s Scream
Chapter 21: Which Is How I Wound Up Here
Chapter 22: The Door Opens
Chapter 23: Conner: Suitcase Emptied
Chapter 24: Dr. Starr Isn’t Like Dr. Boston
Chapter 25: Play the Game
Chapter 26: Tony: I’m Glad I’m an Only Child
Chapter 27: The Clock Reminds Me
Chapter 28: We Gather
Chapter 29: Vanessa: Seven Pairs of Eyes
Chapter 30: So Why Are His Eyes
Chapter 31: Forty-five Minutes Later
Chapter 32: Conner: Brain Poked and Prodded
Chapter 33: Dismissed by the Bulldog
Chapter 34: Back in My Room
Chapter 35: Tony: I Keep Watching
Chapter 36: One Cut or More?
Chapter 37: The Grim Reapers
Chapter 38: Vanessa: Brain Swimming
Chapter 39: Drowning in Blue
Chapter 40: I Swallow the Capsule
Chapter 41: Conner: I Haven’t Let Myself
Chapter 42: Now That I’ve Opened
Chapter 43: I Knew None of That Then
Chapter 44: Tony: Dinner’s a Little Late Tonight
Chapter 45: But Bloody Cuts and Bruises
Chapter 46: Mostly Because
Chapter 47: Vanessa: Thank God
Chapter 48: I Didn’t Realize It Myself
Chapter 49: When It Fell
Chapter 50: Conner: Ten Days Now
Chapter 51: It Was Our Second Session
Chapter 52: She Wanted to Know
Chapter 53: Tony: Today, They Tell Me
Chapter 54: I Learned a Lot
Chapter 55: Enough Pond Memories
Chapter 56: Vanessa: Saturday, Visiting Day
Chapter 57: She’s Waiting Just Inside
Chapter 58: Grandma’s Face Drains
Chapter 59: Conner: Trading Secrets
Chapter 60: My Escort Arrives
Chapter 61: No Time to Pigure Her Out Now
Chapter 62: Tony: Hands Sweating
Chapter 63: Crossed Fingers
Chapter 64: I Draw the Line
Chapter 65: Vanessa: Seeing Grandma
Chapter 66: Mania Blossoming
Chapter 67: I Hurried Home That Day
Chapter 68: Conner: Dr. B Is Psychic?
Chapter 69: She Set Herself Up
Chapter 70: I Can’t Believe
Chapter 71: Tony: I Want to Jump Up
Chapter 72: A New Problem Pops Up
Chapter 73: Until I Said It
Chapter 74: Vanessa: Prozac Can’t Help
Chapter 75: The Dinner Crowd
Chapter 76: Tony’s Fists Clench
Chapter 77: Conner: I Melted Dr. Boston
Chapter 78: I Just Hope
Chapter 79: That Explains a Lot
Chapter 80: Tony: Cardboard Chicken
Chapter 81: The New Dude
Chapter 82: Funny How Much
Chapter 83: Vanessa: It’s Good to Feel Bad
Chapter 84: Enough Introspection
Chapter 85: Breakthrough Moment
Chapter 86: Conner: Ten Minutes to Finish
Chapter 87: Still Another Part of Me
Chapter 88: Homophobia Stashed
Chapter 89: Tony: Amazing
Chapter 90: I Don’t Doubt That at All
Chapter 91: An Excellent Observation
Chapter 92: Vanessa: Credit Where It’s Due
Chapter 93: I Play It Cool
Chapter 94: In the Refuge of My Room
Chapter 95: Conner: Walled in Again
Chapter 96: Life Isn’t Fair
Chapter 97: The Memory Stirs Sadness
Chapter 98: Tony: Sunday Morning
Chapter 99: Okay, It Sounds
Chapter 100: I Also Hope
Chapter 101: Vanessa: I’m Told Level One
Chapter 102: A Long Flowing Skirt
Chapter 103: I Sit at the Back
Chapter 104: Conner: Mandrtandatory Church Services
Chapter 105: I Sit Beside Vanessa
Chapter 106: After the Last Amen
Chapter 107: Tony: Vanessa’s Cutting
Chapter 108: Level Three Privileges
Chapter 109: Time to Vacate
Chapter 110: Vanessa: All This Talk
Chapter 111: Monday Morning
Chapter 112: They’re Both in Class
Chapter 113: Conner: Okay, I Should Have
Chapter 114: Duplicating Effort
Chapter 115: Especially in Here
Chapter 116: Tony: An Odd Thing Happened
Chapter 117: Anyway, I Don’t Worry
Chapter 118: Mr. Hidalgo: Clears His Throat
Chapter 119: Vanessa: Writing Essays
Chapter 120: The Third Reason Is Mama
Chapter 121: Mr. Hidalgo Comes Over
Chapter 122: Conner: Six Weeks in Aspen Springs
Chapter 123: The Only Way
Chapter 124: So I’m Pushing Hard
Chapter 125: Tony: Commotion in the Hall
Chapter 126: As Todd Is Marched Away
Chapter 127: Which Takes Me Back
Chapter 128: Vanessa: I Watch Tony
Chapter 129: The Funny Thing Is
Chapter 130:
Speaking of Out There
Chapter 131: Conner: Now I Could Tell
Chapter 132: Dr. Starr Jumps Up
Chapter 133: Not Again
Chapter 134: Tony: Rumors Travel Fast
Chapter 135: I Don’t Tell Them
Chapter 136: Major Insight
Chapter 137: Vanessa: Just Another Day
Chapter 138: I Will Admit
Chapter 139: One Time He Came Home
Chapter 140: Conner: Tossing and Turning
Chapter 141: A Voice Rouses Me
Chapter 142: Nine A.M. Exactly
Chapter 143: Tony: Breakfast Is Cold
Chapter 144: I’ve Got My Own
Chapter 145: But That’s a Different Story
Chapter 146: Vanessa: Breakfast Is Lousy
Chapter 147: I Go Back to My Room
Chapter 148: Five After Eleven
Chapter 149: Conner: Postcards from Home
Chapter 150: Did They Even Know
Chapter 151: Totally Straightforward
Chapter 152: Tony: Guess My Level Three Status
Chapter 153: We Left It at That
Chapter 154: Think I’ll Wander
Chapter 155: Vanessa: The Cat’s Out of the Bag
Chapter 156: And Through It All
Chapter 157: Conner: Nothing’s Different
Chapter 158: Another Level Three Perk
Chapter 159: None of It
Chapter 160: Tony: Spaghetti and Meat Blobs
Chapter 161: We Decide
Chapter 162: I Knew He Had
Chapter 163: Vanessa: It’s the First Time
Chapter 164: I Guess You Could
Chapter 165: The Table Busts Up
Chapter 166: Conner: The Girls’ Side of the Room
Chapter 167: But I Am Curious
Chapter 168: Way Too Much Information
Chapter 169: Tony: What Got into Me?
Chapter 170: Conner’s Sympathetic
Chapter 171: Think I’ll Skip
Chapter 172: Vanessa: TV Tonight
Chapter 173: Enough Already
Chapter 174: One Stall, Four Feet
Chapter 175: Conner: Today We Have a Visitor
Chapter 176: Flushed to My Core
Chapter 177: Excite Her?
Chapter 178: Tony: What Is It
Chapter 179: I’m Pretty Sure
Chapter 180: My Ma Picked Me Up
Chapter 181: Vanessa: Prozac, Lithium, and Conner
Chapter 182: Those I Have Yet to Create
Chapter 183: Conner: Ms. Littell Looks Horrified
Chapter 184: I Also Wonder
Chapter 185: Guess I’ll Excite Everyone
Chapter 186: Tony: Whoa, Baby!
Chapter 187: Mr. Hidalgo Takes Control
Chapter 188: No Applause
Chapter 189: Vanessa: Kate Finds Me
Chapter 190: No Wonder
Chapter 191: My Own Overdose
Chapter 192: Conner: Thursday P.M.
Chapter 193: As I Wait for Her Reply
Chapter 194: We’re Not Through Yet
Chapter 195: Tony: Easter Weekend
Chapter 196: Carmella Bustles In
Chapter 197: Someone Probably Should
Chapter 198: Vanessa: Grandma’s House
Chapter 199: I Go into the Bedroom
Chapter 200: The Kitchen
Chapter 201: Conner: Talk About Jumping
Chapter 202: We Take the Aspen Springs Limo
Chapter 203: Enough About Giant Bunnies
Chapter 204: Tony: The Greatest Thing
Chapter 205: I Sit in Between
Chapter 206: I Know I Should Wait
Chapter 207: Vanessa: Bryan and I Rush
Chapter 208: I’m Glad
Chapter 209: Later
Chapter 210: Conner: Dinner Tonight
Chapter 211: Two Ativans Toward Sleep
Chapter 212: Easter Sunday Morning
Chapter 213: Tony: Holy Crap
Chapter 214: I Doubt That
Chapter 215: Not Quite Free
Chapter 216: Vanessa: All Dressed Up
Chapter 217: Giant Flakes
Chapter 218: He’s Hard Again Now
Chapter 219: Conner: Almost May
Chapter 220: We Hit the Shower
Chapter 221: It’s Better Than What I’ve Got
Chapter 222: Tony: I Don’t Tell Conner Everything
Chapter 223: Apparently, Stanley Does
Chapter 224: No One Dares Come Between
Chapter 225: Vanessa: OMG!
Chapter 226: It’s Weird
Chapter 227: A Slight Exaggeration
Chapter 228: Conner: Actually, Dr. Starr
Chapter 229: But Hey, Guess What
Chapter 230: Tony Tosses a Jealous Look
Chapter 231: Tony: Three Days
Chapter 232: I Wish I Could Be a Mirror
Chapter 233: A Strange Light
Chapter 234: Vanessa: Tony Is So Different
Chapter 235: After a While
Chapter 236: I Hope So Too
Chapter 237: Conner: Home Sweet Home
Chapter 238: She’s Standing
Chapter 239: Not Exactly a Warm, Fuzzy Welcome
Chapter 240: Tony: Orientation for the Challenge
Chapter 241: Meanwhile, Sean and Raven
Chapter 242: Sean and Raven Leave
Chapter 243: Vanessa: We’re Up to Our Elbows
Chapter 244: Fifteen Minutes Later
Chapter 245: I Said Mama Wasn’t Happy
Chapter 246: Conner: Tomorrow We’re Off
Chapter 247: Best?
Chapter 248: Hands to Guide
Chapter 249: Tony: Off We Go
Chapter 250: Eventually, We Turn
Chapter 251: Before She Can Answer
Chapter 252: Vanessa: We Stop for Lunch
Chapter 253: Back on the Road
Chapter 254: Okay, That Worries Me
Chapter 255: Conner: I thought I Was Ready
Chapter 256: And Now, Here’s Vanessa
Chapter 257: We Stop to Stretch Our Legs
Chapter 258: Tony: Almost Dark
Chapter 259: Raven Shows Us
Chapter 260: Things Swim into Focus
Chapter 261: Vanessa: Okay, This Is Less
Chapter 262: I Wander into the Sage
Chapter 263: Scrunched Down Into
Chapter 264: Conner: Coyote Booty Calls
Chapter 265: All’s Quiet
Chapter 266: Pale Light
Chapter 267: Tony: After a Scrumptious Breakfast
Chapter 268: Finally, Sean Gives Each of Us
Chapter 269: Conner Shoots a Curious Look
Chapter 270: Vanessa: Buddies with Dahlia
Chapter 271: Before I Have to Offer Details
Chapter 272: Two Hours Later
Chapter 273: Conner: We’ve Been Walking
Chapter 274: I Decide It Isn’t
Chapter 275: With a Nod
Chapter 276: Tony: I Am Firestarter
Chapter 277: Losing Her
Chapter 278: Dahlia Bitches Until Bedtime
Chapter 279: Vanessa: It’s All So Weird
Chapter 280: Up at Dawn
Chapter 281: Before Long
Chapter 282: Conner: Four our Miles
Chapter 283: We Reach a Place
Chapter 284: Feet Pointed Sideways
Chapter 285: Tony: Never Thought I’d See
Chapter 286: Now I Expect Denial
Chapter 287: We Hike for Another Hour
Chapter 288: Vanessa: I Never Knew
Chapter 289: Justin Goes Second
Chapter 290: As If to Prove Him Wrong
Chapter 291: Conner: Feeling Pumped Tonight
Chapter 292: It Takes a Minute
Chapter 293: He’s Talking About Phillip
Chapter 294: Tony: No Sex with Phillip
Chapter 295: I Have to Admit
Chapter 296: I Don’t Know What I
Am
Chapter 297: Vanessa: Did I Just Say That?
Chapter 298: Do I Really Mean That?
Chapter 299: How Did Tony
Chapter 300: Conner: What Tony Doesn’t Get
Chapter 301: Secrets
Chapter 302: I Never Expected
Chapter 303: Tony: I’ve rd Confession
Chapter 304: The Whole Rotten Truth
Chapter 305: Actually, There Are Two
Chapter 306: Vanessa: I’m Lying Here Shivering
Chapter 307: I Wake, Thankful
Chapter 308: Raven Quides Us
Chapter 309: Conner: We Spend All Day
Chapter 310: It’s a Shaky Ride
Chapter 311: The First Surprise
Chapter 312: Tony: The First Letter
Chapter 313: It’s So New
Chapter 314: I Start to Read
Chapter 315: Vanessa: I Thought My Letter
Chapter 316: Tony Sighs
Chapter 317: Tony’s Kiss
Chapter 318: Conner: Unbelievable
Chapter 319: Same Old Mom
Chapter 320: I Fold the Letter
Chapter 321: Tony: I Swim Up into Morning
Chapter 322: But Right Now
Chapter 323: Both Halves Decide
Chapter 324: Vanessa: Watching Raven
Chapter 325: Since Sean’s Going Last
Chapter 326: I Reach the Top
Chapter 327: Conner: God, I’m Tired
Chapter 328: Keep Going
Chapter 329: Standing Here
Chapter 330: Tony: Raven Screams
Chapter 331: Raven Calls for Rescue
Chapter 332: The “Rescue”
Chapter 333: Vanessa: Care Flight Lifts Off
Chapter 334: The Question
Chapter 335: Camp Feels Empty
PUBLISHER'S NOTE
This ebook is best read at the smallest font setting on your device.
Without Warning
Sometimes
your’re traveling
a highway, the only road
you’ve ever known,
and wham! A semi
comes from nowhere
and rolls right over you.
Sometimes
you don’t wake up.
But if you happen
to, you know things
will never be
the same.
Sometimes
that’s not
so bad.
Sometimes
lives intersect,
no rhyme, no reason,
except, perhaps,
for a passing semi.
Triad
Three
separate highways
intersect at a place
no reasonable person
would ever want to go.
Three
lives that would have
been cut short, if not