that you’ll mess things up.
You deserve good things,
and I want to be one them.”
I glance around. Everyone
seems lost in their own
little universe, so I take a big
chance, turning my face
up toward Tony’s. My eyes
tell him what I’m too nervous
to say out loud:
Kiss me.
Tony’s Kiss
Is like no other kiss, ever.
It wants, but does not demand.
It asks, but doesn’t take.
It gives, and pleads for more.
It is filled with desire,
but also curiosity, and it
teaches me that a kiss
should come gift wrapped,
not stripped naked.
Most of all, it makes me
want another kiss
exactly like this one.
It will not be tonight.
Okay, you two, break
it up, commans Sean.
Six pairs of eyes have
turned in our direction,
and we are rewarded with
a couple of catcalls.
We slide a little apart,
but not that far.
And now, there is so
much more between us.
Complete connection,
in one innocent kiss.
Okay, maybe not
totally innocent.
Desire stings my body,
in places I’ve half-
forgotten exist.
But I have to play cool.
Five pairs of eyes
continue to chaperone
us. One pair studies
us, digests what it has
seen, then quickly
returns to the letter,
grasped tightly, tensely,
in muscular hands.
Conner’s hands.
Conner
Unbelievable
When I heard we had letters
from home, an insane little part
of me hoped mine might bring
some sliver of affection. Instead:
Same Old Mom
Same ugly comparisons
between Cara and me.
Same expectations, and what
did she mean, “on our list”?
Sean interrupts my reverie.
Okay, you two, break it up.
He means Vanessa and Tony,
and when I glance their way
I catch the end of a kiss.
Another slap of jealousy
catches me off guard, jerks
my head in the other direction.
My eyes fall to the paper
clutched in my hands. I can’t
remember one time my mom’s
lips touched a part of my face.
Surely not my own lips—shades
of incest. But neither did she
ever kiss my cheek or even
my forehead. Oh, to be blessed
by a kiss like the one I just
witnessed. I’d trade every kiss
I’ve stolen for one, given
like that. Who could have guessed
such a thing would happen
between Vanessa and Tony—
two fractured people, healed
(perhaps) by unforeseen,
not to mention unlikely,
love. I’m more than jealous.
I’m downright covetous.
I can’t think about it anymore.
Can’t think about Cara, Stanford,
football. Can’t think about my
parents, grades, test scores. Can’t
think about any of that at all.
I Fold the Letter
Into a perfect paper
airplane, take a walk under
sequined night sky, try to
silence the chatter in my brain.
The sound of cheerful voices
drifts toward me from camp.
Their letters are tucked into
pockets and sleeping bags, gifts.
Rewards for accomplishments
and, with any luck at all, change.
But nothing has changed for me.
I’ll go home to the same grand
house in the same manicured
neighborhood. (Except for the new
neighbors at the end of the block.
Exorcism, “for my own good.”)
I’ll go home to expectations
no way I can live up to, no
longer want to. But I’ve never
had a say about my future.
I close my eyes, and all
I can see is my mother’s
face. Sculpted. Beautiful.
Angry. So often angry.
And I am so much like her.
A grenade of my own anger
explodes inside my head.
I am damaged. Decayed.
A gust of wind roughs up
my hair. The paper airplane
sits heavy in my hand. I cock
back my arm, release, let it fly
straight to hell.
Tony
I Swim Up into Morning
And thoughts of Vanessa,
reaching up to kiss me.
I sit up, look for her,
but she’s nowhere in
sight, and a strange
jolt of worry strikes.
“Come on, Tony,” I tell
myself. “She’s just off
for her morning…”
Finishing the thought
seems voyeuristic.
What’s up with me?
Hey, you. Vanessa’s voice
sneaks over my shoulder,
settles softly in my ear.
Did y ou know you snore?
She moves around in front
of me, eyes lifting to mine.
“Me? Snore? You must
have me conftised with
someone else!” I answer
the shake of her head
with a smile. “Well, why
were you listening, anyway?”
I couldn’t sleep. I kept
thinking about this guy
and how good a kisser
he was and how much
I wanted to kiss him again.
Even if he did snore.
God, I love her. She is
just the most incredible
person I’ve ever known.
Funny. Smart. Pretty.
One day, very soon, I want
to do more than kiss her.
But Right Now
Everyone’s staring, like
they’re reading my mind
or something. I excuse
myself for my own a.m.
stroll. I return to gossip
and breakfast, in that order.
Lori’som and dad are
getting back together,
Dahlia informs us all.
It was my fault they broke
up in the first place, Lori
explains. No pressure there!
Justin launches a sermon.
Just give it to the Lord.
He’ll see you through.
Hey, Raven, calls Dahlia.
Any candy bars left? I love
chocolate for breakfast!
Blah, blah, blah. Only
Conner is quiet. Sulky.
Pissed, even. The look on
his face is hard to decipher.
But I’m guessing his letter
was less than inspirational.
“Hey, Conner,” I call.
“Don’t tell me my
snoring kept you awake
too!” I expect a grin.
A finger. Something.
But he just sits there.
Half of me wants
to go over and hug
him. The other half
wants to shake him.
/> Both halves agree he
wants to be left alone.
Both Halves Decide
To leave Conner alone.
Anyway, it’s time
to start off the day
with a delicious MRE
and a cup of black coffee.
The breakfast of warriors.
Okay, listen up, Raven
barks. You all did a
fantastic job yesterday.
I think you ’ve all got
the hang of climbing,
so to speak. Tomorrow
we’ll explore the cave
I told you about. You’ll
have to rappel a long way
down into a very dark
cavern. Then you’ll have
to climb back up out.
Before we can trust
you to do that, we
want to test your skills.
Today we’ll practice
on some very tall, very
steep granite walls.
It is imperative that
you double-check your
equipment and knots
before you begin your
ascent. I’ll take lead
today. Sean will hang
out below. Be sure
to have him inspect
your ropes before you
start to climb. We don’t
want to have to scrape
what’s left of you off
the rocks.
Vanessa
Watching Raven
Climb gives me the chills.
She works and works for holds
in the megalithic wall, fixes
protection at strategic points
along the way. Up. Up. Up.
Makes me dizzy, just looking
up that high. So why
am I so excited, knowing
my turn is coming?
If you smile any wider,
you’re going to crack
your face right in half.
Tony drapes an arm
around my shoulder.
You really like this stuff,
don’t you?
“Yeah. And it definitely
surprises me. I’ve never
been much of a thrill seeker …”
Except in my manic phases.
And the thrills I sought
were nothing like this.
“… I like to ski—wide, groomed
runs. Not trees. Not bumps.
I like to mountain bike—ride
a chair lift up, coast down.
I’m not an athlete. Not
even close. This is really
hard. But I love it.”
I just hope it isn’t mania
talking. But it doesn’t feel
that way. In fact, for the first
time in a very long time,
I feel completely grounded.
Except, of course,
when I’m climbing.
Since Sean’s Going Last
He buddies Tony with Justin.
Tony takes lead, and I watch
him climb, confident and strong.
Funny, I never noticed
how fit he was until the Challenge.
He never complains,
never makes excuses.
He just accomplishes.
Sean calls, Come on, Vanessa.
You and Dahlia go next.
Let’s go over your
equipment. He tests
my harness, helmet, ropes.
Hold on a minute. Check
this out. See how you’ve
got your rope over the gate
of the carabiner? That’s
called back clipping. Put
any stress at all on the ’biner,
it’s liable to pop open
and let the rope slide out.
Could be ugly.
With everything adjusted
correctly, it’s my turn
to climb. “Do you want
lead?” I ask Dahlia.
You crazy, man? Lead is
dangerous, and this wall
is insane. You go first.
If you can make it, so can I.
I follow Raven’s route,
clipping onto the anchors
she has already placed
in the rocks. Looking up,
I see Tony, measuring my
every move, nodding to let
me know I’m looking good.
And feeling great.
I Reach the Top
Swing a leg over, and here
I am, thousands of feet
above the playa floor.
I can see forever up here,
and it makes me feel
just about invincible.
Tony runs over, picks
me up, swings me in circles.
Isn’t this awesome? No
wonder you like this sport.
We’ll have to do it again
once we’re out of here.
He slows, puts me down.
Gets very serious.
I will still see you once
we’re out of’here, won’t I?
Everything has been day-
to-day, and I haven’t really,
truly thought about what
it will be like once we put
Aspen Springs behind us.
But one thing’s for sure.
“Of course you’ll see me.
Maybe even more
of me than you’ll want to.
I’m the tiniest bit obsessive
about the people I love.”
Good. We’re on the same
page. I don’t really know
where I’ll go or what I’ll
do when I’m “free.”
All I know is my life would
be empty without you in it.
I look into his eyes, and what
I find there fills me with hope.
He knows all my secrets,
even the worst of them.
Despite everything, he still
loves me.
Conner
God, I’m Tired
I can barely pull myself
to my feet, let alone up
a hundred-foot rock wall. Sleep—
deep sleep—would be so sweet.
I’m the last to go, and Sean
wants me to take lead. You
can do it. Just clip onto
the anchors before you pull
yourself up. If those petite
girls can handle it, you can
handle it better. It’s all up
to you, man. Get climbin’.
I stand at the bottom, looking
up at where the others wait.
I feel like the idiot kid
who can’t say no to a dare.
Fuck it. What do I have to
lose? The first anchor is
maybe eight feet up. I study
the rock face, choose the best
way to reach the anchor, clip
on, and pull. My fingers ache
and I think my knuckles will
swell later. This is bullshit.
But then, my entire life
is bullshit. The best things
in it have vanished, ghosts.
Ghosts I’ll admit I created.
The rope holding me in place
creaks, stressed by my weight.
Keep going, buddy, yells Sean.
You can rest when you get to the top.
Keep Going
That’s exactly what I tell
myself. “Keep going, loser.”
I’ll never be anything else.
I step on a narrow rock shelf
and it crumbles, making
me scramble for a foothold.
I find one, push up, smash my
knee into a jut of granite.
Way to go, faggot. The voice
I hear belongs to my
father.
Get hold of yourself. You’ll never
make first string like that. Fear
of failure impels me toward
the top, as it pushed me toward
the goal line so many times
before. I don’t dare stop.
Don’t dare drop the ball. Don’t
dare finish second. We only
want what’s best for you, so
spare me your whining. Why
can’t you be like Cara? She
never loses. Cara is smarter.
Cuter. More talented. I will
forever ride in her backseat.
Well, they’re fraternal twins, you
see. Now the voice is my mom’s.
I want to shut her up, but I
know she won’t be silenced.
I reach up for a handhold,
find I’m almost to the top.
And still the home movies
rewind … replay … rewind.
Of course I’m proud of Conner.
It’s just … he’s not his sister.
With a burst of energy, I
thrust myself up and over.
Standing Here
My entire world far beneath
my feet, I should be filled
with pride. Instead, I feel
overwhelmed by a sense of defeat.
Suddenly it comes to me,
toes tempted to test the ledge,
that there is a way out of this.
Calm surety flows through
my veins, and as I turn to wave
good-bye, I wonder if it will
hurt or if a single person
will cry at my funeral.
I take a deep breath, a final
taste of sweet mountain air.