Chapter 5
It was just before breakfast and Jessica was in her room, preparing for the day. Her head still felt split from the electroshock therapy session that had occurred the evening before. She hoped that would be the only one. She didn't know if she could handle another session.
“How are things going with your mother?” asked Tracy, combing her hair.
Jessica felt a sting in her brain coming from the rift. The question hurt her. Why couldn't Tracy just mind her own business?
Tracy assumed, “Not well, I guess.”
“I'd rather not talk about it.”
“That pervert needs to be put behind bars.”
Another sting bit into Jessica from the rift, followed by a disorienting pressure, which weighed down her brain. Ever since she'd begun taking the Drozac, her nerves were always on edge. Any little disruption caused a tweak in her mental framework. Jessica feeling a need to stop the pressure, blurted, “I made a mistake.”
Tracy gasped. She stopped combing her hair and looked at Jessica with a mixture of disappointment and disgust. “So that's the way you feel about it now?”
Tears swelled in Jessica's eyes. She hated the way Tracy was staring at her. “I said I don't want to talk about it.”
Tracy put her comb away and walked toward the door, saying, “You're pathetic giving in to them.” The door slammed behind her with a jarring bang of finality, which shook Jessica's frail mind.
Jessica dried the tears from her eyes. Tracy's departure was already making her feel better. How could she not give in to them? They were threatening to destroy her mind if she didn't submit. She had to lie about it to get out of this place. Staying at this hospital was an encumbrance to her sanity. Even her roommate was oppressive now. She wanted to return home where things made sense again. As long as she kept to the story they wanted, she would eventually return home and begin her life anew.
In the cafeteria Jessica saw Christie sitting alone at a table. Christie was always kind and understanding and Jessica enjoyed talking to her. Once she'd gotten her food, Jessica walked to the table where Christie was still sitting.
“Good morning,” said Christie.
“Good morning.”
Jessica began eating and she soon noticed a new face in the cafeteria. A cute teenage boy with unkempt brown hair was sitting at a table with Tom and Ethan, chatting in between eating. The boy had a haphazard air to his attractive appearance, which Jessica found appealing. She wondered if he always cared so little about his appearance.
Christie remarked, “He's cute.”
Jessica gulped with the realization that she had been staring and she looked away. Luckily, the boy hadn't seemed to notice.
“I can ask about him if you want me to,” offered Christie.
“No thanks. I'm all right.”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No. My step father won't allow me to.”
“Why not?”
“He says I have to be sixteen before I can date.”
“That shouldn't be any of his business.”
“I know.”
A slight shroud fell over Jessica's spirits as Tracy joined them at the table. Soon boys would be joining them. Jessica began eating more quickly.
“Who wasn't minding their own business?” asked Tracy.
Christie responded, “Jessica's step father said she can't date boys until she's sixteen.”
“You're right,” said Tracy. “That shouldn't be any of his business. If my father had given me an order like that when I was fourteen, I would've told him to go to hell.”
Jessica noticed Mark and Anthony approaching. The two teenage boys were room-mates and they had become fast friends in the hospital setting. Both of them had athletic bodies, Anthony being more on the stocky side and Mark being slender. They even dressed similar to each other, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and flip flop sandals. Mark's attractive facial features and his warm personality were marred by his friendship with Anthony.
Anthony may have been attractive to some mean spirited girls, with his stiff lower lip and his rounded cheek bones and forehead, but Jessica concealed her disgust for him out of politeness. He enjoyed flaunting his deep southern accent and his racism. He routinely spoke about moving north from Alabama like he was proud of his state of origin. The way Anthony looked at her made Jessica uncomfortable. He had tried on several occasions to make awkward small talk with her, but she was completely uninterested. His persistence was annoying.
Ever since she'd begun rooming with Tracy, it was like there was some sort of pact between Mark and Anthony. Mark made advances toward Tracy and Anthony kept his advances for Jessica.
Once they had reached the table, Mark sat next to Tracy, who exchanged smiles with him, and Anthony irritated Jessica by taking a seat next to her.
“How are you this morning?” asked Anthony, admiring her profile with a keen interest.
Jessica appreciated the look of distaste on Christie's face. Anthony seemed oblivious to it at the moment.
Jessica replied, “I'm fine.” Then she rose with her tray and looked at Christie as she said, “I'm finished. I'll see you in group.”
Christie followed her lead, raising from the table with her own tray. “I'm finished too. I'll walk with you back to north.”
“Okay.”
Mark and Tracy were already engaged in a trivial conversation as Jessica left. She could feel Anthony's eyes on her.
“See you later,” said Anthony.
Jessica ignored him.
Christie observed, “He doesn't know how to take a hint.”
Jessica tacitly agreed and put her tray away. Hopefully, Anthony had heard the remark. His advances were becoming very tiresome.
In the hall, on their way to the northern ward, Christie said, “If you have a boyfriend Anthony might lose interest.”
“I'm not ready for a boyfriend right now.”
“It might make you feel better. I know my boyfriend makes me feel a lot better about things. Every time I talk to him, it puts me in a good mood.”
“I don't want to base a relationship on something like that.”
“How about cuteness?”
Jessica blushed slightly, remembering the new boy in the lunchroom.
So much about her was changing now. The rift over her brain was a constant presence, draining her personality into oblivion. She was incessantly looking for ways to stave off the feelings of emptiness and desolation, which routinely pressed in over her consciousness. Reading helped her to do it. She enjoyed whimsical love novels with happy endings and would fantasize about meeting the man of her dreams before she fell asleep. However, when she awakened, the real world was so much different. The actual boys available to her all seemed so shallow and untrustworthy. She'd heard of so many insensitive creeps dumping their girlfriends after they got pregnant and she always took this into account whenever a boy showed interest, especially the good looking, athletic types.
Although she hesitated to speak about the new boy with Christie, she inwardly hoped he would be in the same group therapy session. Something told her this boy might be different from the others and she wanted to know more about him.
After returning to her room, she checked herself in the mirror and took the hair clip out of her hair, letting it fall loose. That was all she had time to do, before Tracy entered. Jessica immediately turned from the mirror, feeling self-conscious about her little act of vanity.
Tracy walked over to the mirror and began washing her face. “I wish Mark would stop hanging out with Anthony.”
“They're room-mates.”
“That doesn't mean he has to be friends with that creep. Do you like Anthony or something?”
Jessica winced with disgust at the thought. “No.”
Tracy chuckled. “Mark asked me to ask you that question.”
Jessica folded some of the clothes on her bed and put them in a drawer. Hearing about Anthony only heightened the tensions pressing agains
t her brain. “Well I don't. I think he's a bully.”
“So do I.” Tracy left the mirror and approached the door. “I'll see you in group.”
“Yeah.” Jessica continued folding her clothes. Anthony's advances repulsed her, but open cruelty toward boys with crushes was distasteful to her. Sooner or later he'd give up and leave her alone.
When Jessica entered the group therapy room, she felt drained with not seeing the cute boy. She took a seat opposite Tracy, preferring to sit next to Christie. Tracy's nosiness and insensitivity were bothersome. Christie was so much more kind and understanding.
Everyone else was there. It was going to be just another half hour of boring group therapy. The sessions were one of the most tedious of all the activities at the hospital.
Dan said, “One more and we'll be ready to begin.”
“Jason was having stomach problems,” reported Ethan.
A glimmer of excitement expelled the pressure from Jessica's head. This would give her an excuse to look at him and she could learn what kind of a person he was.
“As soon as he's here we'll begin.”
Jason rushed into the room, looking flushed and disheveled. “Sorry about the wait. I wasn't feeling well.”
A sharp pang bit into Jessica's chest when Jason sat down next to Tracy. She hated the look Tracy gave him as he approached. She was a shameless flirt.
With concern in her voice, Tracy glanced at him and asked, “Are you feeling better now?”
Jessica resented her apparent concern and her soft tone of voice. Tracy was already teasing at least three boys in the northern ward.
“Yeah. For now.”
Dan asserted, “Then we'll begin.”
When it came time for Jason to say something about himself or pass, Jessica enjoyed having the excuse to look at him. His face was still flushed and he looked tired. She could already tell that he was uncomfortable in the hospital setting before he even began speaking.
Looking over at Dan, Jason protested, “I don't like having to take the meds. They make me sick.”
“We'll see what we can do about that,” said Dan
“I shouldn't even be here.”
“What makes you think that?'
“I just have a sleeping disorder. If my parents let me home school, it wouldn't be a problem.”
“Depression is a serious disorder. Besides, I heard you were leaving your parents' house for no apparent reason against their wishes.”
“I shouldn't have to stay home all day just because I'm too tired to get up for school in the morning.”
“From what I heard that's not the only problem you were having. Why don't you tell us about the smoking?”
Jason grimaced with discomfort and looked down at the floor. “I'm willing to give up smoking if I can have my life back.”
Jessica assumed he was lying about giving it up and she felt sorry for him suffering a mental illness like that. He was probably smoking to help him cope with it.
“That's a good decision on your part. Smoking is very bad for your health. Besides, you aren't eighteen yet.”
“I know. Smoking was never really that big of a deal anyways.”
“Were you smoking anything else?”
A startled look sprung into Jason's eyes and he affirmed, “No. Just the cigarettes.”
“Nice to hear. Addiction can be a terrible thing to deal with. Don't allow cigarettes to be a gateway to other drugs.”
“Of course not. I'm afraid of becoming a drug addict.”
“Keep in mind that cigarettes are a drug too. It's best to stay off all drugs.”
Tom said, “Marijuana was my gateway drug to cigarettes. It was easy to get accustomed to smoking marijuana when it tastes so much better. Then one of my friends told me cigarettes gave an extra boost to the high so I tried it. Before I knew it, I was smoking cigarettes on a regular basis when I couldn't get any marijuana.”
Jessica noticed that Jason smiled slightly when Tom spoke of marijuana. She feared for him lying to Dan like that.
Later that evening, just before dinner, Jessica was laying on her bed reading, when Tracy entered. Tracy closed the door and asked, “What do you think of that new boy?”
Jessica looked up from her book. “Jason?”
“Yeah.”
“He seems all right.”
Tracy gave her a knowing look and said, “I heard he's fifteen and he hasn't had a girlfriend yet.”
Jessica smiled demurely and betrayed a slight blush.
“Do you like him?” asked Tracy.
“I think he's cute.”
“You should talk to him.”
“Maybe I will.”