Page 41
Author: Lisa De Jong
“I must have fallen asleep during the movie?” he asks, trying hard to swallow.
“Yeah, you did,” I say, playing along. It’s easier that way.
“I had a dream about you,” he says slowly, trying to catch his breath.
“Yeah?”
He nods slightly. “You looked so pretty like always, and you were coming toward me in a white dress. ” He stops, taking a few seconds to take several deep breaths. “The closer you got to me, the more you cried. And when you were close enough, I grabbed your hand. ” He pauses. I can feel how hard his chest is moving up and down under my hand.
“It’s okay. You should just try to get some more rest. ” I want to hear everything that he has to say, but it’s draining him a little more with every word. My heart aches, wanting to hold on to him for as long as I can.
He moves his body just enough to face me, exhausting all of his energy with one simple movement. “Just listen to me,” he whispers, resting his palm against my cheek. “After the minister said a prayer, I told you how beautiful you were. ” He stops again, closing his eyes this time.
“Asher—”
“No, please,” he whispers, opening his eyes for me again. “I told you that every star in the sky was made for you, and they were, Kate. You light up my world even in my darkest moments. ”
Tears stream down my face as I watch the tears roll down his. This shouldn’t have to happen this way. This moment should be in a church, in front of our family and friends. But because of one stupid six-letter word, these words are being said in bed . . . on the night I will probably lose my soul-mate.
He inhales a deep breath and touches his palm to my cheek. “I told you that I loved you over and over again because I do, Kate. ” He stops, struggling to breathe. I wish I could do it for him. I wish I could give him my strength. “I love you so much, and the thought of leaving you alone is killing me more than cancer ever could. ”
He gasps for air and all I can do is watch as I continue to stroke his cheek.
“I need to know that you’re going to be okay. ” His breathing is heavy and he’s struggling for every word. “I need to know that you’ll think about the good times we shared, and never settle for anything less than how you felt in those moments. ”
“I will,” I cry, kissing the tip of his nose.
“You deserve it all, with or without me,” he whispers against my lips.
The tears aren’t streaming anymore; they’re running down my face. Asher tries to wipe them away, but gives up when he realizes it’s pointless.
“I wish I could have this moment, and the one after that, but this is what God’s given us,” he struggles. He’s so pale . . . so weak. “I want to hold you. Please don’t leave me,” he cries, burying his face in my shirt.
“I would never leave you,” I cry, holding him close to me, “Never. ” I hate this so much, but I need to push through it for him. There is so much I want to say to him.
“You gave me my life back. You cared about me enough to push past my demons. You made me want to be with you every minute of the day because you made me feel things that no one else could. And whether you’re lying beside me or living in my memories, I will love you. Forever. Always. ”
He draws in a few deep breaths through his sobs. He’s struggling for his next breath and every time he gets it, I hope it won’t be his last.
I’m
Not
Ready . . .
He slowly drifts off to sleep with his cheek pressed against my shoulder. I hear every breath he takes as I lie silently, eager to hear the next. After a while, I count them and as every hour passes, I start to sense more and more of a struggle. That hourglass is running low, but I can’t turn it over . . . life doesn’t work that way.
His mom and dad come in the room every now and then to check on him. They don’t say much, but I can tell by the broken look on their faces that it’s ripping them apart inside. Neither seems to know what to say, but they sit beside the bed watching Asher. Asher opens his eyes every once in a while, and they share a few knowing glances. He knows they care, or they wouldn’t be here when things are so tough.
Asher starts to stir beside me again, and I lift my head up to look into his mesmerizing blue eyes in case it’s the last time he can ever open them. The light behind them is gone, but the same unique crystal blue remains. A tear slips from my cheek and falls on his lips but I kiss it away, tasting the salty liquid. I linger there for several seconds, not wanting the moment to ever end. When I sit back up, his eyes are closed and his breathing is labored.
His body has been going through so much, and his spirit has been broken for days. It’s to the point where I know that this is what’s best for him. A person can only suffer for so long before the agony starts to strip them of who they are.
I can’t physically or emotionally do this for much longer.
His dad, who sits in the chair on the side of the bed, notices too. He crumbles, covering his face with his hands. I’ve never seen a man more broken. It’s sad that it took this to bring them back together and that they didn’t have time to mend all the issues between them. He scoots closer to the bed and wraps Asher’s hand in both of his.
I wish I was strong enough for all of us, but I’m not.
I lay my cheek next to Asher’s on the pillow, letting my tears soak through the cotton underneath me. This would forever be etched in my mind.
Asher inhales a deep breath. “When it rains, Kate. Remember me. ” His voice is so low, but every word registers with me. It’s his goodbye. I know it is. He’s struggling to breathe as I rest my cheek against his shoulder.
“I love you, Asher,” I whisper, running my fingers through his hair. He doesn’t move, but my pleas continue, hoping he can hear me. “I’m so glad that you found me. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ll always remember you. ” I sob, moving a little closer. “You’ll always be in my heart,” I whisper right next to his ear, hoping he can hear me.
His breathing slows even more. I grip his t-shirt with my fist and pinch my eyes shut, letting his usual scent fill me. I run my fingertips over his facial features, memorizing each and every one of them. If I can’t have him here forever, I’m going to cement everything about him into my mind so that it’s with me whenever I need it.
“You mean everything to me,” I whisper.
Daniel cries out from the chair on the other side of the bed. He’d been so quiet; I forgot he was even here. “He’s gone, Kate. ”
I lift my head and look down at the man whose soul is connected to mine. He’s turning paler, and when I put my hand over the heart that saved me, I feel nothing. He’s gone. The man who brought me back to life just lost his.
Time stands still.
I feel lost, like I’m not actually in my own body.
I’ve known for a while that this day would come, but I never let it seep into my heart enough to truly feel it. Reality has hit me hard and knocked me out.
“I’m going to make some calls,” Daniel says, barely able to get the words out.
I don’t even glance in her direction. I keep my eyes locked on Asher. I think I love him more now than I did when I woke up this morning. He looks peaceful, like he has the countless other times I’ve watched him sleep, but this time is different.
I’ll never get to see his eyes again.
I’m still breathing, blood is still pumping through my body, but the rest of me . . . empty. Without Asher, I’m having a hard time seeing what’s in front of me. I don’t know where to go from here. I do know that I owe it to him not to fall back into my old pattern of self-loathing. My way of keeping his memory alive is to live my life. I have a chance to do things that he will never get to experience.
“I’m going to go fishing next summer,” I cry, letting my head fall back on the pillow. “And I’m going to try Fre
nch fries dipped in ice cream. ”
I run my fingers through his hair, feeling the silky texture one more time. “And, when I have s’mores, I’ll make an extra one for you. When I hear our favorite songs, I’ll dance for you. I’ll do anything for you. I’ll do it all for you. ”
I press my lips to his one last time before burying my face in his t-shirt.
It could have been two minutes later, or two hours later, when Daniel comes in and says something about taking Asher away. I don’t move as two hands gently pull me away from him. I watch as they cover him with a white sheet and take him from the room.
I sit quietly on the chair in the corner, bouncing my leg up and down as I watch the world move in slow motion around me. These are people who don’t know me, who didn’t know Asher. Most of them look sad, but they don’t feel what I feel right now. They haven’t just said goodbye to someone they love.
This is the loneliest, saddest place I’ve ever been.
I would give my life for one more dance, one more fishing trip . . . one more chance to make love, maybe under the stars this time. It’s amazing how many times in life I’ve said, “I want to do that someday,” not thinking that someday might never come. I will never take someday for granted again.
I’ve held him for the last time.
I’ve kissed him for the last time.
But I’ll think about him always and love him forever.
Chapter 25
WHEN I WALK INTO ASHER’S HOUSE sometime later, my eyes are locked on his bedroom door. Maybe if I stare at it long enough, he’ll come walking through it, and this will all have been a terrible misunderstanding. But it’s all a delusion; a big hopeless delusion.
Tears flow from my eyes. I don’t even bother wiping them away because they will just continue to dampen my cheeks. I don’t have the energy or the strength to care. I’m emotionally and physically numb.
After they took Asher away, his mom left. She wants to fly home and get Aubrey so we can all plan the funeral. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I ended up going home with Daniel.