'Oh. Right,' said Margaret. 'Well. Thanks.'
She heard their shoes clattering down the passageway, then the marine coughing quietly. They would say nothing until they reached the corner by the fire hose. Then, out of sight, they would explode with shock and laughter, clutching each other briefly before, with a furtive glance behind them, they made for the stokers' mess.
Avice wasn't asleep. It would have been easier, Frances thought, if she had been. Stuck together in the little cabin, they moved silently around each other. Then Avice lay down, facing the wall, and Frances flicked self-consciously through a magazine, hoping her concentration appeared more genuine than it was.
They had rarely spent any time alone together. Margaret was easy, straightforward, her uncomplicated nature written in her ready smiles. Jean was less predictable, but there was no side to her: she expressed everything she felt, every minor irritation and enthusiasm directly, unpalatable as it might be.
But Avice, Frances guessed, found her difficult. Not only did they have nothing in common, but her personality, her way of being, rubbed Avice up the wrong way. She suspected that in other circumstances Avice might have been openly hostile: experience had shown her that that kind of girl often was. They needed to look down on someone to reassure themselves of their own position.
But there was no room for such honest emotion in a cabin not quite ten feet by eight. Which left the two of them locked in their own excruciating worlds of genteel diplomacy. Frances would enquire occasionally whether Avice needed anything, whether her sickness had lifted a little; Avice would ask if Frances minded her leaving the light on a little longer; both would spend the rest of the evening pretending politely that they believed the other to be asleep.
Frances lay back on her bunk. She tried to read, found she had scanned the same paragraph several times without taking anything in. She forced herself to concentrate and discovered she had read the magazine before. Finally she stared up at the sagging webbing above her, watching it shift.
The dog whimpered quietly in sleep, just visible under Margaret's cardigan. She glanced down to check that its water bowl was full.
Way above them, she heard a bump, followed by a muffled burst of laughter.
Outside, the marine muttered to someone as they passed. Time stretched out, became elastic.
Frances sighed. Quietly, so that Avice would not hear. Margaret was right. If she spent another evening in here, she'd go insane.
He turned when she opened the door. 'Stretching my legs,' she said.
'Strictly speaking, ma'am, you shouldn't be leaving your cabin at this time.'
She didn't protest, or plead, just stood, waiting, and he nodded her on. 'Stokers' mess?'
'No,' she said, smiling at her feet. 'No. Not my cup of tea.'
She walked briskly along the passageway, conscious of his eyes on her back, fearful that he might call out to her that he had changed his mind, that it was already too close to the curfew, and instruct her to stay where she was. But he said nothing.
Out of his range, she went up the stairs near the cinema projection room, nodded a polite greeting to two girls who, arm in arm, stood back to let her pass. She hurried along, head down, past cabins, past rows of tin trunks secured to the wall with webbing straps, the redundant stores for lifejackets, weaponry, ammunition, the painted instructions - 'Keep Dry', 'Do Not Use After 11.47', 'Do Not Smoke'. She strode up the temporary steps towards the captain's sea cabins two at a time, ducking to avoid hitting her head on the metal struts.
She reached the hatch, glanced back to check no one was watching, then opened it and stepped out on to the flight deck. Then she stopped abruptly, almost reeling from the sudden expanse of inky black sea and sky.
Frances stood there for some time, breathing in the cool, fresh air, feeling the breeze tighten the skin of her face, enjoying the gentle movement of the ship. Down below the throbbing of the engines often made her feel as if she was in the bowels of some prehistoric animal: it vibrated through her, chugging and groaning bad temperedly with effort. Up here, the movement was a low purr, the creature benign and obedient, carrying her safely forward, like some mythical beast, across the vast ocean.
Frances peered across the deserted deck, out of bounds after dark. Some moonlit, some in shadow, the silhouettes of the aircraft stood around her, like children congregated in a playground. There was something oddly appealing about their profiles, noses up, as if they were scenting the air. She walked slowly among them, allowing herself to stroke the shining metal, relishing its cool, damp feel under her hand. Finally, she sat down under a narrow streamlined belly. In her vantage-point on the concrete floor, between two webbing lashes, she folded her hands round her knees and stared out at the million stars, the never-ending trails of white foam that charted their course through the water, the unknowable point where the inky sea met the infinite black sky. And for possibly the first time since they had embarked, Frances Mackenzie closed her eyes and, with a shudder that passed through her entire body, allowed herself to breathe out.
She had been sitting there for almost twenty minutes when she saw the captain. He had stepped out of the same door she'd closed behind her, his rank clearly visible in his white cap and his curiously accentuated upright posture. She recoiled at first, and manoeuvred herself so that she was protected by the shadows, already anticipating the choleric shout 'Hey! You!' that would bring about her disgrace. She watched him close the door carefully so that it did not slam. Then, with the same furtive air as, presumably, she had displayed, he stepped forward and began, increasingly obviously to limp towards the starboard side of the ship and a point just out of sight of the bridge. He stopped by one of the larger aeroplanes, his uniform spotlit by the moonlight, and reached out as if to support himself on a wing strut. Then, as she held her breath, he bent and rubbed his leg.
He stood there for some minutes, his weight on one leg, shoulders slumped, staring out to sea. Then he straightened his shoulders and walked back to the hatch. By the time he reached it, his limp was no longer perceptible.
Afterwards, she could not articulate what it was about this brief scene that she had found comforting - whether it was the sea itself, her ability to carve out twenty minutes' freedom unnoticed, or the small suggestion of humanity contained in the captain's limp, a reminder of men's fallibility, their capacity to conceal their hurt, to suffer - but as she came back down the stairs she had found herself somehow less conscious of the glances of those who passed, with a little of her confidence restored to her.
She would not normally have asked a man for a cigarette. She would not have allowed herself to be drawn into conversation. She would certainly not have begun one. But she felt so much better. The sky had been so beautiful. And there was something so melancholy about his face.
He was leaning against the wall beside their door, cigarette cupped between thumb and forefinger, eyes fixed on a point on the floor in front of him. His hair had flopped forward and his shoulders were hunched, as if he was lost in some less-than-happy thought. As he caught sight of her he pinched out the cigarette and dropped it into his pocket. She thought he might have flushed. Afterwards, she remembered feeling mildly shocked: up to that point, he had seemed a kind of automaton. Like so many marines. She had hardly considered there might be room for something as human as embarrassment, or even guilt, behind the mask. 'Please don't bother,' she said. 'Not on my account.'
He shrugged. 'Not meant to, really, on duty.'
'Still.'
He had thanked her gruffly, not quite meeting her eye.
And for some reason, instead of disappearing into the cabin, she had stood there, her cardigan round her shoulders and, unexpectedly even to herself, asked whether she might have one too. 'I don't feel like going in yet,' she explained. Then, self-conscious, she had stood beside him, already regretting her decision.
He pulled a cigarette from the pack, and handed it to her wordlessly. Then he lit it, his hand briefly touching hers
as it cupped the flame. Frances tried not to flinch, then wondered how quickly she could smoke it without making herself dizzy and disappear. He had plainly not wanted company. She, of all people, should have seen it. 'Thanks,' she said. 'I'll just have a few puffs.'
'Take your time.'
Twice she found herself in the unusual position of smiling, an instinctive, conciliatory gesture. His, in answer, was fleeting. They stood, one on each side of the door frame, looking at their feet, the safety notice, the fire extinguisher until the silence became uncomfortable.
She looked sideways at his sleeve. 'What rank are you?'
'Corporal.'
'Your stripes are upside-down.'
'Three-badge marine.'
She took a deep drag of her cigarette. She was already nearly a third of the way down it. 'I thought three stripes meant sergeant.'
'Not if they're upside-down.'
'I don't understand.'
'They're for long service. Good conduct.' His eyes flickered over them, as if he had rarely considered them. 'Stopping fights, that kind of thing. I suppose it's a way of rewarding someone who doesn't want promotion.'
Two ratings walked along the passageway. As they passed Frances, their gaze flicked from her to the marine and back again. She waited until they'd gone, their footsteps echoing. A moment later the brief rise and fall in the sound of chatter told of the opening and closing of a cabin door.
'Why didn't you want promotion?'
'Don't know.' Possibly he realised this had sounded a little abrupt, because he went on, 'Perhaps I never saw myself as sergeant material.'
His face seemed frozen into disappointment, she thought, and his eyes, while not unfriendly, told of his discomfort with casual conversation. She knew that look: she wore it habitually too.
His gaze briefly met hers and slid away. 'Perhaps I never wanted the responsibility.'
It was then that she spotted the photograph. He must have been looking at it before she came. A black and white picture, a little smaller than a man's wallet, tucked into his right hand between finger and thumb. 'Yours?' she said, nodding towards his hand.
He lifted it, and looked at it as if for the first time. 'Yes.'
'Boy and girl?'
'Two boys.'
She apologised, and they smiled awkwardly. 'My youngest needed a haircut.' He handed it to her. She took it, held it under the light and studied the beaming faces, unsure what she was meant to say. 'They look nice.'
'Picture's eighteen months old. They'll have grown some.'
She nodded, as if he had shared with her some piece of parental wisdom.
'You?'
'Oh. No . . .' She handed back the picture. 'No.'
They stood in silence again.
'You miss them?'
'Every day.' Then his voice hardened. 'They probably don't even remember what I look like.'
She did not know what to say: whatever she was intruding on would not be eased by a cigarette and a few minutes of small-talk. She felt suddenly that engaging him in conversation had been rash and misjudged. His job was to stand outside their door. He had no choice if she chose to talk to him. He would not want to be bothered by women at all hours.
'I'll leave you,' she said, quietly, then added, 'Thank you for the cigarette.' She trod it out, then bent down to pick up the butt. She was afraid to take it into the cabin - what would she do with it in the dark? But if she put it into her pocket it might burn through the fabric. He had failed to notice her predicament, but as she hesitated by the door he turned. 'Here,' he said, holding out a hand. The palm was weathered, leathery with years of salt and hard work.
She shook her head, but he held his hand closer, insistent. She placed the little butt on it, and blushed. 'Sorry,' she whispered.
'No problem.'
'Goodnight, then.'
She opened the door, was sliding silently round it into the darkness when she heard his voice. It was quiet enough to reassure her that her judgement of him had been right, but light enough to show he had not taken offence. Light enough to suggest some kind of offering.
'So, whose is the dog?' it asked.
10
The voyage was a nightmare. Due to breakdowns, it took eight weeks. We had one murder, one suicide, one Airforce Officer who went crazy etc. All of this against the background of a crew neglecting their work in order to have time to pursue 'brides' and later to engage in virtually public, gymnastic sexual activity with them. They appeared to use every available location on the ship, including one couple who specialised in the 'Crows Nests'.
from the papers of the late Richard Lowery, naval architect
Sixteen days
The first Not Wanted Don't Come arrived on the morning of the sixteenth day the brides had been on board. The telegram arrived just after eight a.m. in the radio room, shortly after the long-range weather reports. Its content was noted by the radio operator. He carried it swiftly to the captain, who was eating toast and porridge in his rooms. He read it, then summoned the chaplain, who summoned the relevant WSO, and all three spent some time pontificating on what was known of the character of the bride concerned, and how well - or otherwise - she was likely to take the news.
The subject of the telegram, a Mrs Millicent Newcombe (nee Sumpter) was called in to the captain's office at ten thirty a.m. - it had been thought only fair to let the girl enjoy a good breakfast first; many had not yet entirely recovered from seasickness. She arrived white-faced, convinced that her husband, a pilot, flying Seafires, had been shot down and was missing, presumed dead. So great had been her distress that none of the three was quick enough to tell her the truth, and merely stood uncomfortably as she sobbed into her handkerchief. Eventually Captain Highfield put matters straight, telling her in a sonorous voice that he was terribly sorry but it wasn't that. It really wasn't that at all. Then he had handed her the telegram.
Afterwards, he told his steward, she had gone quite pale - paler even than when she had suspected her husband's death. She had asked, several times, whether they thought it was a joke, and when she heard that all such telegrams were investigated and verified as a matter of course, she had sat down, squinting at the words in front of her as if they didn't make sense. 'It's his mother,' she said. 'I knew she'd do for me. I knew it.'
Then, as they stood in silence around her, 'I bought two pairs of new shoes. They cost me all my savings. For going ashore. I thought he'd want to see me in nice shoes.'
'I'm sure they're very nice shoes,' the chaplain murmured helplessly.
Then, with a heartbreaking look round the room, she said, 'I don't know what I do now.'
Captain Highfield, along with the women's officer, had wired the girl's parents, then contacted London, who had advised that they should put her off at Ceylon where a representative of the Australian government would take charge of the arrangements to bring her home. The radio operator would make sure that her parents or other family members had any relevant information. They would not let her go until they were sure that arrangements were in place to meet her at the other end. These procedures were laid out in the paperwork recently sent from London and had been put in place for the earlier return of GI brides.
'I'm very sorry,' she said, once the arrangements had been made, thin shoulders straightening as she pulled herself together. 'To put you all to so much trouble, I mean. I'm very sorry.'
'It's really no trouble, Mrs . . . erm . . . Millicent.'
The women's officer had placed an arm round the girl's shoulders to steer her out; it was hard to tell whether the gesture was protective or merely indicative of her determination to get her away from the captain's office.
For several moments after she had left the room was silent, as if, in the face of such emotional devastation, no one knew what to say. Highfield, sitting down, the girl's forlorn voice still echoing round his walls, found he was developing a headache.
'I'll get on to the Red Cross in Ceylon, sir,' said the chaplain, eventually. 'Make sure
there's someone who can stay with her a little. Give her a bit of support.'
'That would be a good idea,' said Highfield. He scribbled something meaningless on the notepad in front of him. 'I suppose we should contact the pilot's supervising officer as well, just to make sure there are no extenuating circumstances. You take charge of that, Dobson, will you?'
'Yes, sir,' said Dobson. He had entered just as Millicent was leaving, and was whistling a jaunty tune that Highfield found intensely annoying.
He wondered whether he should have spent more time with the girl, whether he should get the WSO to bring her to dinner. A meal at the captain's table might be consoling after her humiliation. But he had always found it difficult to judge these things.
'She'll be all right,' Dobson said.
'What?' said Highfield.
'She'll probably have found another young dope by the time she leaves Ceylon. Pretty girl like that.' He grinned. 'I don't think these Aussie girls are too fussy, as long as they find someone to get them off the old sheep farm.'
Highfield was speechless.
'Besides, it's one less bride on board, eh, Captain?' Dobson laughed, apparently pleased with his own humour. 'Bit of luck we could have jettisoned the lot by the time we reach Plymouth.'
Rennick, who had been standing in the corner, briefly met his captain's eye, then quietly left the room.
Until that point the world as the brides had known it had steadily receded by nautical miles, and the Victoria had become a world of its own, existing discretely from the continuing life on land. The routines of the ship had become the routines of the women, and those faces who daily moved around them, scrubbing, painting or welding, their population. This new world stretched from the captain's office at one end to the PX store (purveyors of lipstick, washing-powder, writing paper and other essentials - without a ration book) at the other, and from the flight deck, surrounded by its endless blue horizon to the bowels of the bilge pumps, the port and starboard engines.
The days were marked off for some women by letter-writing and devotions, for others by lectures and movies, punctuated by walks round the free sections of the blustery deck or by the odd game of bingo. With food provided, and their lives dictated by the rules, there were few decisions to make. Marooned on their floating island, they became passive, surrendered themselves to these new rhythms, surrounded by nothing except the slowly changing climate, the increasingly dramatic sunsets, the endless ocean. Gradually, inevitably, in the same way as a pregnant woman cannot imagine the birth, it became harder to look forward to their destination, too much of a struggle to imagine the unknown.