Fear pulsated through me, but I knew better than to argue. Sucking in a deep breath, I hoisted my legs over the side of the boat and lowered myself into the lake. Between the fall breeze and the chilly water, my body instantly went into freezing mode. My muscles constricted and my teeth clanked together.
“N-now what?” I chattered, struggling to stay afloat from the extra weight of the rocks.
“Now, you swim back without sinking to the bottom,” he said. “And let this be a lesson of what happens if you ever screw me or my family over. Only next time it’ll be bricks tied to your legs, got it?”
I bobbed my head up and down and he sped off, the water waving behind him.
I wasted no time, starting to swim toward the shore. The lake was fairly small and the distance to land didn’t look that far. But the longer I swam, the heavier the rocks felt. Halfway, I started to struggle, my limbs aching, my body quivering from the cold.
“He has to come back,” I whispered as I fought to swim against the lull of the waves.
The sad part was, I believed my dad would come back to get me. But he didn’t. He wasn’t even at the shore when I made it there, beyond exhausted and veering toward hypothermia. My mom was waiting for me, though, with a blanket in her hand.
“You did good.” She wrapped the blanket around my shivering body. “You should feel proud.”
I didn’t feel proud, though. I felt numb. I thought maybe the numbness was from the cold, but twelve years later, I still feel the same way inside. Well, most of the time anyway. There are rare occasions when I do feel the slightest bit normal. Like when I’m with Ens and El, which makes what I did completely fucked up.
I follow Ens and El into the motel room, remembering the message that followed my reply to my dad. I hadn’t told him where I was, just said I was busy. Apparently, though, he knew more about what I was doing than I thought.
Dad: Are you with Ensley? If you are, tell me where you are.
When I didn’t respond, another message buzzed through.
Dad: Remember what happens if you screw over the family. You’re supposed to be keeping an eye on Elodie and if you’re doing what you’re supposed to then Ensley should be with you.
Panicking, I did something stupid.
Me: Yes, I’m with her.
I didn’t feel numb at that moment. I felt achy, like I had ripped my own heart out of my chest. I betrayed Ens. I betrayed Elodie. I had betrayed the only two people I’ve ever considered real friends. Just like I betrayed her all those years ago. The girl I called my friend. The girl who I didn’t save.
And now she’s gone and may never come back.
Dad: Good. Here’s what I need you to do. I need you to find out where they’re going and message me the location.
I didn’t reply, and El made me ditch my phone before I ever got a chance. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get ahold of him now. I could easily use the extra burner phone inside my pocket. But I’m torn over what’s right and wrong and who is really important to me. Ens has been my friend for a couple of years now and she’s always been nice to me. The damn girl has been too nice to everyone. She doesn’t deserve whatever my father and his family plan on doing to her, which will be awful, the kind of things that haunt people’s nightmares.
“This place is…” El scrunches her nose at the orange curtains covering the window, two queen-sized beds, and the television that looks straight out of the sixties.
Ens’s face mirrors El’s, but as always, she tries to be optimistic. “It’s not that bad. Just a bit dusty.” She drops the bag onto the shaggy carpet and a cloud of dusts poofs into the air. She coughs, fanning her hand in front of her face.
El sighs, walks over to the window, and peers outside. “Well, that answers our earlier question about the alligators.” She glances at us with wide eyes. “There’s one in the pool.”
Ens’s eyes widen. “Really?”
El nods. “Yep.”
Ens shudders, her gaze roaming to me. She doesn’t say anything, but I know she has questions as to why I have a gun tucked in the back of my pants. Little does she know I’ve carried the gun with me since the day I first jumped into El’s car.
My whole life is a fucking lie.
Moving away from the window, El flops down on the bed. “I really want to take a shower, but I’m too scared.”
Ens tears her gaze off me, leans into the bathroom, and flips on the light. “It’s actually not that bad.”
El gives her a wary look before standing up and walking over. With a weighted sigh, she backtracks into the room and grabs her bag. “I guess it’ll have to do.” She steps inside the bathroom and closes the door.
Ens glances at me again then picks up her bag off the floor and heads over to the bed.
I set my bag on the desk. “You doing okay?”
“Yeah.” Her voice sounds all sorts of wrong.
“Is this about the…” I drag my fingers through my hair. “About the gun?”
She shrugs, her hair falling into her face as she digs through her bag. “I just don’t get why I can’t tell El.”
“You’re not wondering why I have it?” I question.
She shrugs, peering up at me. “I figure it’s because you’re part of the mafia.” She redirects her focus back to her bag.
I sit down on the bed. “Tell me what’s wrong. Because I can tell something’s bugging you.”
“Other than we’re stuck in some shitty hotel because we’re on the run from the mafia?” She heaves a heavy sigh. “Sorry, that was a bit of a pity party, wasn’t it?”
She’s too sweet for her own good. Winston’s men are going to eat her up if they find her. And if I text my father the location like I’m supposed to, that’s exactly what will happen. Winston and his men will show up and destroy Ensley to ruin Gregor.
I’m still a bit shocked Gregor is Ensley’s father. She seems too kind and caring to be the offspring of a very corrupt and twisted man. Then again, Gregor didn’t raise her. Makes me wonder what sort of person I’d be if I hadn’t been raised by my father.
“You’re fine, Ens.” I struggle over what to do. “You don’t need to apologize for being upset.”
She sits down beside me. “I’m not upset. Well, I am, but more with myself.”
“Why?”
“Because I dragged you into this mess.”
“I was dragged into this mess the day I was born.”
She fixes her gaze on me. “I’m sorry.”
I scratch at my arm. “For what?”
“I don’t know. I guess, for being born into the mafia.” Her gaze drifts toward my back. “You don’t seem too happy about it.”
I’m not. But admitting that aloud is basically sealing my death. So I keep my lips zipped. What do I do? What is right? What is wrong?
I really don’t know.
“I don’t want El to find out about the gun because I don’t want to scare her,” I admit. “She’s never been a fan of guns.”
“True.” She relaxes, resting back on her hands. “So, what do we do now?”
I shrug. “We wait until Carter gets here, I guess. And then we make a plan.”
She scrunches her nose. “Great, another plan.”
“This one will be to protect you.”
She slips her arm around me, giving me a side hug. “Thank you.”
I give her a one armed hug back. “For what?”
“For being my friend. For not running away when you found out the truth… I know that’s got to be hard, considering who your father is.”
Guilt clutches my chest. If only she knew who my father really is, just how high up in the mafia he is. If she did—and knew anything about the mafia—she’d be running the hell away from me.
Maybe she should, considering what you’re considering doing.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in two different worlds—the mafia world and the real world. I wish I could live in just one. I wish I could live in the real world. No, w
hat I wish is that I could put an end to this madness. To destroy the corrupt world that constantly surrounds me.
I’ve debated this before but fear always won.
I’m always scared.
Always doing what my father asks.
When will my life change?
“Gaige…” Ens chews on her thumbnail. “I think I want to see my father’s website.”
“Are you sure? Because it’s really bad, Ens… The things he does…” I don’t want her to look at the site. Don’t want her to know about the darkness in this world, a darkness that’s going to become part of her life if she lets her father in.
She squares her shoulders. “I need to know what kind of man my father is.”
Sighing heavily, I dig my burner phone out of my pocket. “Then I’ll show you.”
“You got an extra phone?” she asks in surprise.
I shrug, but my chest tightens with guilt. “I figured we might need it.”
I’m such a fucking liar. So much like my father.
Will things ever change?
Will I ever break free from the life I don’t want?
Maybe it’s time. Time to free myself. And perhaps find her, the girl I wish I saved.
Seven
Ensley
While Gaige is hacking into the site using both burner phones and a program he installed, El strolls out of the bathroom, freshly showered, her blonde hair damp. She’s wearing a pair of black shorts and a red tank top and looks a bit more relaxed. But when she spots Gaige and I, she immediately stiffens again and asks why Gaige has an extra phone.
I give her a recap of what Gaige is doing and why. Worry creases her forehead.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asks while towel drying her hair.
“It may not be a good idea, but it’s something I need to know.” I grab a piece of gum out of my purse and pop it into my mouth, needing a way to channel my nervous energy.
Gaige looks at me with equal concern. “Are you sure you need to know?” He clutches onto his phone. “What’s on here is really bad, Ens.”
I furiously chomp on my gum. “Guys, I need to know what I’m getting into, who my father is, especially since I’m supposed to be trusting him to protect me right now.”
Gaige blows out an exhale and his fingers tremble as he hands me the phone.
The second I look at the screen, I start to doubt my decision to look. But I delve forward, needing to know the truth.
“I think I’m going to throw up.” Vomit burns at the back of my throat as I scroll through some of the services my father offers.
The most popular is called “Truest Desires,” a service that allows customers to live out their fantasies. The site even lists some fantasy ideas. The further I read, the more I want to puke my guts out all over the stained brown carpet.
My father is a sick and twisted freak just to offer these services. Plus, he has to be doing a lot of highly illegal things, ranging from sex trafficking to murder to drugs, to make these fantasies happen. And the drugs he offers have strange names like Forget Me Not Eight and Mind Wipe Seventeen.
Why does this all sound familiar…
As I click to the next page that contains some very disturbing photos of the women people can purchase, the urge to vomit presses up against my throat. Another click and the icky feeling in my stomach erupts. He also sells out women and their children as test subjects for drug experiments. Each woman and child have a number by their name. I’m unsure what the numbers mean but seeing their faces… reading about these awful things…
I feel so connected to them…
I can no longer hold back the vomit threatening to come up.
“I can’t take this anymore.” I toss Gaige his phone, jump from the bed, and race to the bathroom.
“Ens.” El rushes after me, but I kick the door shut and flip the lock, needing a moment to myself, needing to puke my guts out in private.
After emptying out my stomach, I slump down in front of the toilet and lean against the bathtub. Anger and confusion rip through me as I attempt to process everything I just found out—that my father is the man who created such a disgusting business. No wonder my mom didn’t want me knowing him. Or does she even know about the business? Maybe she doesn’t and she only kept me away from my father… Gregor—I don’t think I can call him my father—because he’s involved with the mafia. Still, she said he was corrupt. Perhaps she did know.
And what about Carter? Does he know what Gregor does for a living? He did make a deal with him. And for what? What does Carter get out of this? Probably something awful, I’m sure. Maybe something from the site…
I shake my head. No, there’s no way. At least not the Carter I went on a date with. What about the other Carter, though? The one I grew up hating. He said that guy was all just an act, but what if he was playing me? What if that was part of his deal with my dad? But why would he play me? Why did he ever make the deal with my father to begin with? To bring me to my dad. Yeah, I got that much out of the text I read. But why did my father need Carter to bring me to him?
I don’t want to see that man at all. What I want is for him to be behind bars, far away from me and everyone else. Why haven’t the police caught him yet?
Pushing to my feet, I rinse my mouth out with mouthwash, then throw open the door and walk out of the bathroom. El and Gaige are sitting on the bed, staring at the door, as if waiting for me to appear again.
“Gaige, I need another favor,” I announce. “I need to borrow that thing you had earlier.”
“What thing?” El asks curiously. “His burner phone?”
I give Gaige a pressing look, hoping he can figure it out without me having to say the words.
Realization crosses his expression and his fingers instinctively drift toward the back of his jeans. Then he freezes, catching his mistake. It’s too late, though. El has already tracked his movement and is leaning back to look behind Gaige.
Her eyes pop wide as she stiffly straightens. “Why the hell do you have a gun tucked in the back of your pants?”
“Because I’m a mafia baby offspring, remember?” he jokes nervously.
Her lips curve downward. “I don’t like guns.”
“I know. And I’m sorry,” he says. “But considering the situation, I think it’s probably a good thing I have it.”
She grits her teeth. “Fine, you’re probably right, but that doesn’t mean I like it.” She crooks a brow at me. “But why do you want to borrow it?”
“I’m not quite sure yet,” I admit. “Other than I just want to feel safe.”
“Have you ever shot a gun before?” Gaige scoots toward the foot of the bed.
I shake my head. “No.”
He stands to his feet, yanking his fingers through his hair. “I’ll let you borrow it, but only if I can take you out in the field behind the motel and teach you how to shoot it.”
I nod. “Sounds like a deal.”
We go outside, leaving El in the motel since she refuses to go with us.
As we cross the field, Gaige pulls out his gun and starts giving me instructions. I listen, promising myself to somehow fix what my father has done, even if it means turning him into the police.
Eight
Carter
After speeding down the highway for what feels like hours, I turn off the highway onto a muddy road that weaves into the thick trees and muddy swamp. The sky has started to dim to a grey so I flip on my headlights.
“Gregor’s motel is back here?” I maneuver the car around a large hole in the middle of the road. “It’s in the middle of nowhere?”
Holden removes a gun from a holster hidden underneath his jacket. “The middle of nowhere is better than out in the open.”
“True.” I roll down the window as the air becomes stifling then thrum my fingers on top of the steering wheel.
He checks the ammunition. “Are you nervous?”
“About what?”
“About seeing
Ens?”
I give him a curious look. “Just how much do you know about what happened?”
“I know you made a deal with Gregor to help him bring Ensley to him.” He rests the gun on top of his thigh as he stares out the window. “And I know she found out about it.”
I let off the gas as the car nears a large bump in the road. “Gregor told you all of that?”
“I’m his right-hand man. I pretty much know everything about what goes on.”
I wonder if he knows who my real father is. “And yet you never said anything.”
He shrugs. “I couldn’t. I took an oath.”
Great. So much for having one real friend. “How long ago?”
He tosses a confused glance in my direction. “How long ago what?”
“How long ago did you take the oath?”
“About six months ago.”
“And your dad doesn’t know anything about this at all?” I question in doubt.
He shakes his head. “Nope. Which makes the job even more rewarding.”
I’m not sure I’m totally buying into what he’s saying. “But I thought you liked your dad.”
He laughs hollowly. “I like my dad about as much as you like your dad, which even though you pretend you don’t, I know you fucking hate him. Well, Nicholas anyway. You don’t really know your real dad.”
The muscle in my jaw spasms. “You know about Winston? And you never said anything?”
He shrugs. “Like I said, I know everything about everything. And I never said anything for the same reason you never told me you were working for Gregor.”
I’d be more pissed off, but he has a point. “I don’t know anything about anyone anymore, do I?”
“Does anyone really know anyone?” he questions, glancing at me.
“Probably not.” Although, I felt like I kind of knew Ensley and I’m hoping I still do, And I’m hoping she continues to let me get to know more about her.
But is that even possible with my father being Winston and Gregor being his enemy—our fathers being the enemies of each other?
I shake my head. That doesn’t even matter right now. I’m here to protect Ensley. That’s what I need to focus on.