Silence seemed the greatest kindness she could extend.
Ellen watched Jane as she left the house, then returned later with her children. Twice Jane walked right past where she sat waiting. Both times she hadn’t even looked her way, hadn’t said a word.
Even strangers say hello.
She stared down the street, disgusted, hurt. Why had she even bothered to tell Jane anything? Why had she thought it would make a difference? They were sisters, but that didn’t seem to matter. They couldn’t even get along in the wake of their father’s death. No, nothing mattered between her and Jane anymore. Nothing but the anger.
Ellen looked at her watch and saw that she had fifteen minutes until Jake would be there. Forget Jane. Think about something else.
For a moment, her thoughts drifted to Mike, but she shut that down. The last thing she needed after the unceasing doses of Jane’s anger was to think about her fights and struggles with Mike.
She looked up at the sky, closed her eyes wearily, and let her mind wander.…
What would Jake look like after so many years? Would he still have that same smile, the one that had always warmed her all the way through? Would his eyes still sparkle? Did he still have that deep and unrestrained laughter?
Stop! Her conscience jabbed at her, and she sighed. It was wrong to think about him that way. She had loved him, truly she had. But that was another time. He was coming to meet her as a friend. Nothing more. And that’s all she wanted. A friend. Wasn’t it?
She sighed softly. At that moment she was too tired, too weak not to miss Jake and the way life had been when they were together. Back then everything had seemed so … right. Her father was well, she and her sisters got along, and she hadn’t a care in the world. Everything about those years was peppered with Jake’s presence.
Finally, like dear, long-lost friends, the memories came flooding back—and Ellen entertained them willingly. She ignored that still, small voice warning her to take every thought captive for Christ, and she drifted back to a breezy afternoon at Petoskey High School.
The day she first set eyes on Jake Sadler.
17
It was the fall of Ellen’s sophomore year in high school, and cheerleading practice had just started. That afternoon Ellen and her best friend, Leslie Maple, were working out with the squad in the physical education area when Stacy Wheatley appeared fifty yards away with a boy Ellen had never seen before.
“Isn’t Stacy supposed to be practicing?” Leslie asked quietly. Their cheerleading coach, Mrs. Black, was a stickler for punctuality; Stacy was already ten minutes late.
Ellen ignored Leslie’s comment. She was too busy staring at the boy to answer. “Who’s that?”
Leslie squinted across the field, shaking her head. “I don’t know.”
The boy was tall, with dark brown hair cut close to his head. He wore only his athletic shorts, and his tanned and toned stomach was attracting the attention of several cheerleaders. He looked like he belonged on a tropical island as he teased and flirted with Stacy.
“I think that’s Jake Sadler,” Leslie said after a moment. “He’s new.”
“Freshman?”
“Yep. Came from the middle school across town.”
“Sure beats anything the sophomore class has to offer.”
“That’s what everyone’s saying.”
Stacy and Jake walked closer. He lifted her hand, kissed it, and bowed like a Renaissance man before winking at her once and turning to go.
“Oh, brother,” Leslie whispered.
“Stacy!” Mrs. Black’s voice boomed across the field. “Stop messing around and get over here where you belong. You have two minutes to get that uniform on.”
Red-faced and giggling, Stacy ran into the girls’ locker room to do as she was told. When Jake turned around to wave one last time he caught Ellen watching him instead.
For a long moment Ellen was caught in Jake’s curious stare. He studied her, almost as though trying to remember where he’d seen her before. Then he flashed her a wide grin and winked, the same way he’d winked at Stacy. In an instant he rounded the corner and disappeared from sight.
Ellen felt herself blush and she couldn’t hear Mrs. Black’s instructions. With all her might she tried to concentrate on the routine but she kept seeing Jake Sadler’s blue eyes instead.
“Ellen?” a voice boomed. “I said move to the grassy quad with the other girls and stretch out. Are you awake?” It was an Indian summer afternoon and Mrs. Black was hot and frustrated. “If I could only get you people to listen.”
Ellen moved sheepishly toward Leslie.
“You okay?” Leslie nudged her. “You look spaced out or something.”
Ellen nodded and Leslie raised a single eyebrow. “It’s that Jake guy, isn’t it?”
Ellen said nothing and pretended to concentrate on stretching her right hamstring. She lowered her upper body over her leg and avoided Leslie’s probing eyes.
“Ellen, that’s it, isn’t it? Tell me I’m right. You’re thinking about Jake Sadler.”
“Of course not,” Ellen hissed. She would be mortified if Mrs. Black heard them. “He’s obviously dating Stacy. Why would I be interested?”
“Right. I’m your best friend and you expect me to believe that. Come on, Ellen. I can see it clear as the nose on your face. He knocked you flat out, didn’t he?”
“Stop! We’re gonna get in trouble.”
“No sir, Ellen,” she whispered loudly. “We’re not going to get in trouble. You are. Especially if you get your heart set on Jake Sadler. He’s had a different girl on his arm every day since school started. And school only started two weeks ago. Forget him.”
Ellen nodded. “Okay. Fine. Now let’s practice.”
“So you admit it! You have a thing for the guy, don’t you?”
“Shhhh! Get to work.”
Long after cheerleading practice was finished and Leslie had dropped Ellen off at home, the image of Jake Sadler consumed her and left her stomach a twisted mess of butterflies. The next morning before class she was talking to a group of friends when she spotted him, sitting by himself at the other end of the covered lunch area. He was watching her, and when she caught his gaze he grinned. Ellen squelched a smile and excused herself from the group. Despite her nervousness, she walked the twenty feet between them in an unhurried manner.
“Hi.” His eyes danced with challenge and Ellen’s heart skipped a beat.
“Hi.” She sat down across from him and stared at him questioningly. “You’re new?”
Jake nodded. “Jake Sadler.”
“Ellen Barrett.”
“I know.”
“How’d you know?”
“Who doesn’t know Ellen Barrett?”
“Apparently you know quite a few people. Like Stacy Wheatley, for starters.”
Jake stretched, and Ellen noticed the muscle definition in his arms. “Stacy’s just a friend. We knew each other in junior high.”
“You guys looked pretty friendly yesterday.”
Jake shrugged. “That’s me, I guess. Can’t seem to break the flirt image.”
“Apparently not.”
The bell rang then and Ellen stood to leave. “Well, see you around.”
“You’ll be over there at lunch, right?” He pointed to the spot where the cheerleaders and football players hung out. “Right.”
“I’ll look for you.”
That afternoon Jake found her and gave her a note he’d written during class. She read it while he was buying milk and ended up spending the entire lunch hour by his side. They laughed and teased and kicked at each other’s feet, so that by the time the bell rang half the school was talking about them.
“Okay, what’s the deal?” Leslie asked in their sixth-hour English class. “Everyone saw you with Jake Sadler at lunch. I want every detail.”
Ellen smiled. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”
“He’s gorgeous. So what? I’m telling you he makes eyes at a dozen
girls every day.”
“Oh, Leslie, just because he flirts a little doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. Give him a break.”
“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Time and again over the next six years, whenever Jake broke Ellen’s heart, Leslie would remind her that she had seen it coming.
“I warned you, Ellen,” she would say. “Dump the guy. He’s dragging you down.”
But Leslie’s efforts never changed anything. From that first day she saw him, Ellen was addicted to Jake the way some people are addicted to drugs. Even when she knew he was bad for her, she could not bear to be apart from him.
At first they’d decided to just be friends. They tickled and teased, but they kept their relationship platonic. Jake was just too popular with the girls. They hung on Jake’s every word; they followed him to and from classes and giggled when he passed by. Ellen, too, received more than a little attention from the opposite sex. Neither of them was ready to be exclusive.
Still, they walked together between classes, sat together when her cheer squad took breaks at football games, and talked on the phone almost every night.
“Well, have you kissed the guy yet or what?” Leslie would ask and Ellen would shake her head.
“No, I told you. We’re just—”
“I know, I know,” Leslie interrupted. “You’re just friends. But that’s not how it looks. That boy’s mad about you, Ellen. And I think the feeling’s mutual. The whole thing spells trouble.”
“I’m telling you, we’re friends. Nothing more.”
Then, things changed. Ellen had known for months that her feelings for Jake went deeper than friendship. And one evening, he told her what she’d been waiting to hear. They were walking together, and ended up in a small park. They found a bench and sat down. Jake had been unusually quiet, so Ellen turned to him. But before she could say anything he turned to her, his expression serious. “Something’s happened.”
She stared at him, and fear washed over her. Was his family moving? Was he in love with someone else, someone who didn’t want them spending time together anymore? She was silent, willing him to continue.
He took her hands in his, slowly rubbing his thumb along her fingers. “I’m not sure how you’re going to react.”
Just say it! her mind screamed. For once she didn’t have anything to say. She was too frightened at the thought of losing him.
“The thing is … I think I’m in love with you.”
Ellen stared at him blankly. “What?”
He didn’t reply. Instead, he held her gaze for a moment, then reached up to cup her face with his lean fingertips. Slowly he lowered his head and, for the sweetest minute of her life, pressed his lips to hers.
The memory of that kiss still took her breath away, still warmed her heart …
They’d both been breathless when they drew apart. They stared at each other, nervous about the line they had crossed, drowning in a sea of first-time emotions.
“I love you, Ellen,” he’d finally said, and joy had coursed though her.
After that there was no turning back.
Ellen and Jake were together through the summer and her junior and senior year. She turned eighteen after graduation and he was seventeen with one more year left at Petoskey. That summer she camped with his family and spent half her days swimming with him at Magnus Park. They played Ping-Pong and Frisbee and backgammon and chased each other in the shallow water along the shore of the bay. They kissed and held hands and studied a hundred sunsets. The days wore on and they were inseparable.
When school started that fall everyone they knew felt shut out of their relationship.
“I don’t know, Ellen,” Leslie said. “I think it’s all a little too good to be true. Let’s see what this year brings, now that you’re not on campus with him.”
Ellen scoffed at her friend’s warning, but Leslie proved to be right. Jake was a senior that fall and better looking than ever. Ellen, meanwhile, was miles away at North Central Community College.
Every girl at Petoskey knew that Ellen wasn’t around to monopolize Jake’s attention. As far as they were concerned, Jake didn’t have a girlfriend. They chased him for all he was worth. He found notes on his car, notes in his locker, and mysterious phone messages on his answering machine.
One day Leslie called and told Ellen the news she thought she’d never hear.
“Ellen, I don’t like to have to tell you this, but, well … it’s about Jake.”
“What about him?” Ellen had just walked into the house from a day of classes and was fixing herself something to eat.
“You sure you want to know?”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Leslie. Whatever it is, just say it.”
“Okay. Well, you know how my brother’s a senior, right?”
“Right. So?” Ellen opened the refrigerator and pulled out a loaf of bread, stretching the phone cord to its limit.
“Well, I guess Jake’s been spending a lot of time with Candice Conner. You know, the J.V. cheerleading captain.”
Ellen’s heart sank. She set down the bread and pulled out a chair from the kitchen table. Her lunch was forgotten.
“Are you sure?”
“Billy says you’d never know he has a girlfriend by the way. he acts at school. It’s been that way since September.”
Ellen didn’t want to believe Jake had betrayed her, but that night Jake told her the truth himself.
They’d decided it was better to see other people. Ellen refused to let Jake see how much the situation had hurt her. But after he left that night, she cried for two days straight. She listened to sad songs on the radio and stayed up late writing poetry about lost love.
Then one night after two weeks of hearing nothing from Jake she was watching television when she heard the sound of his car horn in front of her house. She ran to the front door and peeked through the curtains. It was Jake. He honked again and she went outside, running lightly in her bare feet to the driver’s side of his Volkswagen.
He was crying and he reached for her hand.
“Jake, what’s wrong?” She was suddenly worried something had happened to him or his parents.
“I’m so sorry, Ellen!” He slammed his right hand against his steering wheel.
Ellen was quiet. She hugged herself tightly to ward off the chill in the air and waited for an explanation.
“Candice chased me, Ellen. I swear. She wanted to go out and finally I thought what the heck. It might be fun.” He dried the tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I was wrong, Ellen. I don’t want her; I want you. I’ve never stopped wanting you. The problem is sometimes I want to date other girls. It’s like I can’t make up my mind.”
Ellen’s knees were weak and she tried to think of something to say.
“I know you don’t want me around, not now when I’m not ready to be your boyfriend again. But could you at least talk to me, be my friend like we used to be?” He looked up at her. “I need you, Ellen. I miss you so much.”
Then he reached around to the backseat and pulled out a dozen red roses. He handed them to her and there were fresh tears in his eyes. “I love you, babe.”
Ellen wanted so badly to tell him to leave, to never come back unless he was sure he wouldn’t break her heart. But she knew as surely as she had the first time she’d seen him that she could not turn him away. She sighed and took his hand, fitting her fingers between his.
“Okay. But just friends.” she said softly. It was a wish, a way of trying to save face. She missed him terribly and wanted to believe she could spend time with him even while he dated other girls. For an instant she thought about Leslie’s warnings, but then she put them out of her mind.
She smiled and Jake’s eyes lit up. “Park,” she said simply.
He did, and they spent two hours on the porch swing in front of her house talking about the time they’d missed and savoring the fact that they were together again. When he stood up to leave, he pulled her
into his arms as if nothing had changed between them. But before he could kiss her she leaned out of reach.
“Don’t mess with my heart, Jake,” she whispered. “If you’re dating other people then we can’t …”
“I know,” Jake put a finger to her lips. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
But they both knew it would. The more time they spent together, the more difficult it became to remain platonic, and finally one night Jake told her he wanted things to be the way they were.
“What about the girls at school?”
“I want you,” he insisted.
She sighed and twirled her finger through a lock of his shiny hair. “Ahh, Jake. How can I say no?”
“I love you, Ellen.” He kissed her softly.
“I know. Me, too.”
Their relationship deepened as they grew older. Soon the youthful romance became something much more serious. Finally, after being together for three years, though it went against everything she’d been taught, everything she believed in, Ellen gave in to her desires and Jake’s and they began sleeping together.
From time to time guilt would stab at her and she’d close her eyes, fighting back tears. Father, forgive me … she’d pray. But you know we love each other. And we’re going to get married. Someday. I just know it. So it’s not really wrong, is it?
Her only answer was silence.
For three years their relationship continued. They slept together, camped together, and made promises to marry each other. But every time Ellen thought things were going great, Jake would break up with her because of another girl.
After six years of the roller-coaster ride with Jake Sadler, Ellen wondered what had happened, how she had fallen so hard and lost control of her life. She wondered if the reason she continued to go back to him was the challenge of changing him. She wondered if she was crazy.
One night she was lying in bed, agonizing over yet another letdown with Jake, when her heart suddenly began racing, thumping wildly about in her chest.