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I suppose youre no good at locks?
I fear they would be beyond my capabilities as yet . . . but surely— the ghost of the king waved a hand in a vague gesture which encompassed the dungeon, Nanny and the manacles – to a witch all this is just so much—
Solid iron, said Nanny. You might be able to walk through it, but I cant.
I didnt realise, said Verence. I thought witches could do magic.
Young man, said Nanny, you will oblige me by shutting up.
Madam! I am a king!
You are also dead, so I wouldnt aspire to hold any opinions if I was you. Now just be quiet and wait, like a good boy.
Against all his instincts, the king found himself obeying. There was no gainsaying that tone of voice. It spoke to him across the years, from his days in the nursery. Its echoes told him that if he didnt eat it all up he would be sent straight to bed.
Nanny Ogg stirred in her chains. She hoped they would turn up soon.
Er, said the king uneasily. I feel I owe you an explanation . . .
Thank you, said Granny Weatherwax, and because Shawn seemed to be expecting it, added, Youve been a good boy.
Yesm, said Shawn. Mm?
Was there something else?
Shawn twisted the end of his chain-mail vest out of embarrassment. Its not true what everyones been saying about our mam, is it, mm? he said. She doesnt go round putting evil curses on folk. Except for Daviss the butcher. And old Cakebread, after he kicked her cat. But they wasnt what youd call real curses, was they, mm?
You can stop calling me mm.
Yes, mm.
Theyve been saying that, have they?
Yes, mm.
Well, your mam does upset people sometimes.
Shawn hopped from one leg to another.
Yes, mm, but they says terrible things about you, mm, savin your presence, mm.
Granny stiffened.
What things?
Dont like to say, mm.
What things?
Shawn considered his next move. There werent many choices.
A lot of things what arent true, mm, he said, establishing his credentials as early as possible. All sorts of things. Like, old Verence was a bad king and you helped him on the throne, and you caused that bad winter the other year, and old Norbuts cow dint give no milk after you looked at it. Lot of lies, mm, he added, loyally.
Right, said Granny.
She shut the door in his panting face, stood in thought for a moment, and retired to her rocking chair.
Eventually she said, once more, Right.
A little later she added, Shes a daft old besom, but we cant have people going round doing things to witches. Once youve lost your respect, you aint got a thing. I dont remember looking at old Norbuts cow. Whos old Norbut?
She stood up, took her pointed hat from its hook behind the door and, glaring into the mirror, skewered it in place with a number of ferocious hatpins. They slid on one by one by one, as unstoppable as the wrath of God.
She vanished into the outhouse for a moment and came back with her witchs cloak, which served as a blanket for sick goats when not otherwise employed.
Once upon a time it had been black velvet; now it was just black. It was carefully and slowly fastened by a tarnished silver brooch.
No samurai, no questing knight, was ever dressed with as much ceremony.
Finally Granny drew herself up, surveyed her dark reflection in the glass, gave a thin little smile of approval, and left via the back door.
The air of menace was only slightly dispelled by the sound of her running up and down outside, trying to get her broomstick started.
Magrat was also regarding herself in the mirror.
Shed dug out a startlingly green dress that was designed to be both revealing and clinging, and would have been if Magrat had anything to display or cling to, so shed shoved a couple of rolled-up stockings down the front in an effort to make good the more obvious deficiencies. She had also tried a spell on her hair, but it was naturally magic-resistant and already the natural shape was beginning to assert itself (a dandelion clock at about 2pm).
Magrat had also tried makeup. This wasnt an unqualified success. She didnt have much practice. She was beginning to wonder if shed overdone the eyeshadow.
Her neck, fingers and arms between them carried enough silverware to make a full-sized dinner service, and over everything she had thrown a black cloak lined with red silk.
In a certain light and from a carefully chosen angle, Magrat was not unattractive. Whether any of these preparations did anything for her is debatable, but they did mean that a thin veneer of confidence overlaid her trembling heart.
She drew herself up and turned this way and that. The clusters of amulets, magical jewellery and occult bangles on various parts of her body jingled together; any enemy wouldnt only have to be blind to fail to notice that a witch was approaching, hed have to be deaf as well.
She turned to her worktable and examined what she rather self-consciously, and never in Grannys hearing, called her Tools of the Craft. There was the white-handled knife, used in the preparation of magical ingredients. There was the black-handled knife, used in the magical workings themselves; Magrat had carved so many runes into its handle it was in constant danger of falling in half. They were undoubtedly powerful, but . . .
Magrat shook her head regretfully, went over to the kitchen dresser and took out the breadknife. Something told her that at times like these a good sharp breadknife was probably the best friend a girl could have.
I spy, with my little eye, said Nanny Ogg, something beginning with P.
The ghost of the king stared wearily around the dungeons.
Pliers, he suggested.
No.
Pilliwinks?
Thats a pretty name. What is it?
Its a kind of thumbscrew. Look, said the king.
Its not that, said Nanny.
Choke-pear? he said desperately.
Thats a C, and anyway I dont know what it is, said Nanny Ogg. The king obligingly indicated it on the tray, and explained its use.
Definitely not, said Nanny.
Smouldering Boot of Punishment? said the king.
Youre a bit too good at these names, said Nanny sharply. You sure you didnt use them when you were alive?
Absolutely, Nanny, said the ghost.
Boys that tell lies go to a bad place, warned Nanny.
Lady Felmet had most of them installed herself, its the truth, said the king desperately; he felt his position to be precarious enough without having any bad places to worry about.
Nanny sniffed. Right, then, she said, slightly mollified. It was “pinchers”.
But pinchers is just another name for pi— the king began, and stopped himself in time. During his adult life hed been afraid of no man, beast or combination of the two, but Nannys voice brought back old memories of schoolroom and nursery, of life under strict orders given by stern ladies in long skirts, and nursery food – mostly grey and brown -which seemed indigestible at the time but now appeared a distant ambrosia.
Thats five to me, said Nanny happily.
Theyll be back soon, said the king. Are you sure youll be all right?
If Im not, precisely how much help can you be? said Nanny.
There was the sound of bolts sliding back.
There was already a crowd outside the castle as Grannys broomstick wobbled uncertainly towards the ground. They went quiet as she strode forward, and parted to let her pass. She had a basket of apples under her arm.
Theres a witch in the dungeons, someone whispered to Granny. And foul tortures, they say!
Nonsense, said Granny. It couldnt be. I expect Nanny Ogg has just gone to advise the king, or something.
They say Jason Oggs gone to fetch his brothers, said a stallholder, in awe.
I really advise you all to return home, said Granny Weatherwax. There has probably
been a misunderstanding. Everyone knows a witch cannot be held against her will.
Its gone too far this time, said a peasant. All this burning and taxing and now this. I blame you witches. Its got to stop. I know my rights.
What rights are they? said Granny.
Dunnage, cowhage-in-ordinary, badinage, leftovers, scrommidge, clary and spunt, said the peasant promptly. And acornage, every other year, and the right to keep two-thirds of a goat on the common. Until he set fire to it. It was a bloody good goat, too.
A man could go far, knowing his rights like you do, said Granny. But right now he should go home.
She turned and looked at the gates. There were two extremely apprehensive guards on duty. She walked up to them, and fixed one of them with a look.
I am a harmless old seller of apples, she said, in a voice more appropriate for the opening of hostilities in a middle-range war. Pray let me past, dearie. The last word had knives in it.
No-one must enter the castle, said one of the guards. Orders of the duke.
Granny shrugged. The apple-seller gambit had never worked more than once in the entire history of witchcraft, as far as she knew, but it was traditional.
I know you, Champett Poldy, she said. I recall I laid out your grandad and I brought you into the world. She glanced at the crowds, which had regathered a little way off, and turned back to the guard, whose face was already a mask of terror. She leaned a little closer, and said, I gave you your first good hiding in this valley of tears and by all the gods if you cross me now I will give you your last.
There was a soft metallic noise as the spear fell out of the mans fearful fingers. Granny reached and gave the trembling man a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
But dont worry about it, she added. Have an apple.
She made to step forward, and a second spear barred her way. She looked up with interest.
The other guard was not a Ramtopper, but a city-bred mercenary brought up to swell the ranks depleted in recent years. His face was a patchwork of scar tissue. Several of the scars rearranged themselves into what was possibly a sneer.
So thats witches magic, is it? said the guard. Pretty poor stuff. Maybe it frightens these country idiots, woman, but it doesnt frighten me.
I imagine it takes a lot to frighten a big strong lad like you, said Granny, reaching up to her hat.
And dont you try to put the wind up me, neither. The guard stared straight ahead, and rocked gently on the balb of his feet. Old ladies like you, twisting people around. It shouldnt be stood for, like they say.
Just as you like, said Granny, pushing the spear aside.
Listen, I said— the guard began, and grabbed Grannys shoulder. Her hand moved so quickly it hardly seemed to move at all, but suddenly he was clutching at his arm and moaning.
Granny replaced the hatpin in her hat and ran for it.
We will begin, said the duchess, leering, with the Showing of the Implements.
Seen em,, said Nanny. Leastways, all the ones beginning with P, S, I, T and W.
Then let us see how long you can keep that light conversational tone. Light the brazier, Felmet, snapped the duchess.
Light the brazier, Fool, said the duke.
The Fool moved slowly. He hadnt expected any of this. Torturing people hadnt been on his mental agenda. Hurting old ladies in cold blood wasnt his cup of tea, and actually hurting witches in blood of any temperature whatsoever failed to be an entire twelve-course banquet. Words, hed said. All this probably came under the heading of sticks and stones.
I dont like doing this, he murmured under his breath.
Fine, said Nanny Ogg, whose hearing was superb. Ill remember that you didnt like it.