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You are all lying, said the duke, in tranquil tones. Telling lies is naughty.
He stabbed several of the nearest actors in a dreamy, gentle way, and then held up the blade.
You see? he said. No blood! It wasnt me. He looked up at the duchess, towering over him now like a red tsunami over a small fishing village.
It was her, he said. She did it.
He stabbed her once or twice, on general principles, and then stabbed himself and let the dagger drop from his fingers.
After a few seconds reflection he said, in a voice far nearer the worlds of sanity, You cant get me now.
He turned to Death. Will there be a comet? he said. There must be a comet when a prince dies. Ill go and see, shall I?
He wandered away. The audience broke into applause.
Youve got to admit he was real royalty, said Nanny Ogg, eventually. It only goes to show, royalty goes eccentric far better than the likes of you and me.
Death held the hourglass to his skull, his face radiating puzzlement.
Granny Weatherwax picked up the fallen dagger and tested the blade with her finger. It slid into the handle quite easily, with a faint squeaking noise.
She passed it to Nanny.
Theres your magic sword, she said.
Magrat looked at it, and then back at the Fool.
Are you dead or not? she said.
I must be, said the Fool, his voice slightly muffled. I think Im in paradise.
No, look, Im serious.
I dont know. But Id like to breathe.
Then you must be alive.
Everyones alive, said Granny. Its a trick dagger. Actors probably cant be trusted with real ones.
After all, they cant even keep a cauldron clean, said Nanny.
Whether everyone is alive or not is a matter for me, said the duchess. As ruler it is my pleasure to decide. Clearly my husband has lost his wits. She turned to her soldiers. And I decree—
Now! hissed King Verence in Grannys ear. Now!
Granny Weatherwax drew herself up.
Be silent, woman! she said. The true King of Lancre stands before you!
She clapped Tomjon on the shoulder.
What, him?
Who, me?
Ridiculous, said the duchess. Hes a mummer, of sorts.
Shes right, miss, said Tomjon, on the edge of panic. My father runs a theatre, not a kingdom.
He is the true king. We can prove it, said Granny.
Oh, no, said the duchess. Were not having that. Theres no mysterious returned heirs in this kingdom. Guards – take him.
Granny Weatherwax held up a hand. The soldiers lurched from foot to foot, uncertainly.
Shes a witch, isnt she? said one of them, tentatively.
Certainly, said the duchess.
The guards shifted uneasily.
We seen where they turn people into newts, said one.
And then shipwreck them.
Yeah, and alarum the divers.
Yeah.
We ought to talk about this. We ought to get extra for witches.
She could do anything to us, look. She could be a drabe, even.
Dont be foolish, said the duchess. Witches dont do that sort of thing. Theyre just stories to frighten people.
The guard shook his head.
It looked pretty convincing to me.
Of course it did, it was meant— the duchess began.
She sighed, and snatched a spear out of the guards hand.
Ill show you the power of these witches, she said, and hurled it at Grannys face.
Granny moved her hand across at snakebite speed and caught the spear just behind the head.
So, she said, and it comes to this, does it?
You dont frighten me, wyrd sisters, said the duchess.
Granny stared her in the eye for a few seconds. She gave a grunt of surprise.
Youre right, she said. We really dont, do we . . .
Do you think I havent studied you? Your witchcraft is all artifice and illusion, to amaze weak minds. It holds no fears for me. Do your worst.
Granny studied her for a while.
My worst? she said, eventually. Magrat and Nanny Ogg shuffled gently out of her way.
The duchess laughed.
Youre clever, she said. Ill grant you that much. And quick. Come on, hag. Bring on your toads and demons, Ill . . .
She stopped, her mouth opening and shutting a bit without any words emerging. Her lips drew back in a rictus of terror, her eyes looked beyond Granny, beyond the world, towards something else. One knuckled hand flew to her mouth and she made a little whimpering noise. She froze, like a rabbit that has just seen a stoat and knows, without any doubt, that it is the last stoat that it will ever see.
What have you done to her? said Magrat, the first to dare to speak. Granny smirked.
Headology, said Granny, and smirked. You dont need any Black Aliss magic for it.
Yes, but what have you done?
No-one becomes like she is without building walls inside their head, she said. Tve just knocked them down. Every scream. Every plea. Every pang of guilt. Every twinge of conscience. All at once. Theres a little trick to it.
She gave Magrat a condescending smile. Ill show you one day, if you like.
Magrat thought about it. Its horrible, she said.
Nonsense, Granny smiled terribly. Everyone wants to know their true self. Now, she does.
Sometimes you have to be kind to be cruel, said Nanny Ogg approvingly.
I think its probably the worst thing that could happen to anyone, said Magrat, as the duchess swayed backwards and forwards.
For goodness sake use your imagination, girl, said Granny. There are far worse things. Needles under the fingernails, for one. Stuff with pliers.
Red-hot knives up the jacksie, said Nanny Ogg. Handle first, too, so you cut your fingers trying to pull them out—
This is simply the worst that I can do, said Granny Weatherwax primly. Its all right and proper, too. A witch should act like that, you know. Theres no need for any dramatic stuff. Most magic goes on in the head. Its headology. Now, if youd—
A noise like a gas leak escaped from the duchesss lips. Her head jerked back suddenly. She opened her eyes, blinked, and focused on Granny. Sheer hatred suffused her features.
Guards! she said. I told you to take them!
Grannys jaw sagged. What? she said. But – but I showed you your true self . . .
Im supposed to be upset by that, am I? As the soldiers sheepishly grabbed Grannys arms the duchess pressed her face close to Grannys, her tremendous eyebrows a V of triumphant hatred. Im supposed to grovel on the floor, is that it? Well, old woman, Ive seen exactly what I am, do you understand, and Im proud of it! Id do it all again, only hotter and longer! I enjoyed it, and I did it because I wanted to!
She thumped the vast expanse of her chest.
You gawping idiots! she said. Youre so weak. You really think that people are basically decent underneath, dont you?
The crowd on the stage backed away from the sheer force of her exultation.
Well, Ive looked underneath, said the duchess. I know what drives people. Its fear. Sheer, deep-down fear. Theres not one of you who doesnt fear me, I can make you widdle your drawers out of terror, and now Im going to take—
At this point Nanny Ogg hit her on the back of the head with the cauldron.
She does go on, doesnt she? she said conversationally, as the duchess collapsed. She was a bit eccentric, if you ask me.
There was a long, embarrassed silence.
Granny Weatherwax coughed. Then she treated the soldiers holding her to a bright, friendly smile, and pointed to the mound that was now the duchess.
Take her away and put her in a cell somewhere, she commanded. The men snapped to attention, grabbed the duchess by her arms, and pulled her upright with considerable difficulty.
Gen
tly, mind, said Granny.
She rubbed her hands together and turned to Tomjon, who was watching her with his mouth open.
Depend on it, she hissed. Here and now, my lad, you dont have a choice. Youre the King of Lancre.
But I dont know how to be a king!
We all seed you! You had it down just right, including the shouting.
Thats just acting!
Act, then. Being a king is, is— Granny hesitated, and snapped her fingers at Magrat. What do you call them things, theres always a hundred of them in anything?
Magrat looked bewildered. Do you mean per cents? she said.
Them, agreed Granny. Most of the per cents in being a king is acting, if you ask me. You ought to be good at it.
Tomjon looked for help into the wings, where Hwel should have been. The dwarf was in fact there, but he wasnt paying much attention. He had the script in front of him, and was rewriting furiously.
BUT I ASSURE YOU, YOU ARE NOT DEAD. TAKE IT FROM ME.
The duke giggled. He had found a sheet from somewhere and had draped it over himself, and was sidling along some of the castles more deserted corridors. Sometimes he would go whoo-oo in a low voice.
This worried Death. He was used to people claiming that they were not dead, because death always came as a shock, and a lot of people had some trouble getting over it. But people claiming that they were dead with every breath in their body was a new and unsettling experience.
I shall jump out on people, said the duke dreamily. I shall rattle my bones all night, I shall perch on the roof and foretell a death in the house—
THATS BANSHEES.
I shall if I want, said the duke, with a trace of earlier determination. And I shall float through walls, and knock on tables, and drip ectoplasm on anyone I dont like. Ha. Ha.
IT WONT WORK. LIVING PEOPLE ARENT ALLOWED TO BE GHOSTS. IM SORRY.
The duke made an unsuccessful attempt to float through a wall, gave up, and opened a door out on to a crumbling section of the battlements. The storm had died away a bit, and a thin rind of moon lurked behind the clouds like a ticket tout for eternity.
Death stalked through the wall behind him.
Well then, said the duke, if Im not dead, why are you here?
He jumped up on to the wall and flapped his sheet.
WAITING.
Wait forever, bone face! said the duke triumphantly. I shall hover in the twilight world, I shall find some chains to shake, I shall—
He stepped backwards, lost his balance, landed heavily on the wall and slid. For a moment the remnant of his right hand scrabbled ineffectually at the stonework, and then it vanished.
Death is obviously potentially everywhere at the same time, and in one sense it is no more true to say that he was on the battlements, picking vaguely at non-existent particles of glowing metal on the edge of his scythe blade, than that he was waist-deep in the foaming, rock-toothed waters in the depths of Lancre gorge, his calcareous gaze sweeping downwards and stopping abruptly at a point where the torrent ran a few treacherous inches over a bed of angular pebbles.
After a while the duke sat up, transparent in the phosphorescent waves.
I shall haunt their corridors, he said, and whisper under the doors on still nights. His voice grew fainter, almost lost in the ceaseless roar of the river. I shall make basket chairs creak most alarmingly, just you wait and see.
Death grinned at him.
NOW YOURE TALKING.
It started to rain.
Ramtop rain has a curiously penetrative quality which makes ordinary rain seem almost arid. It poured in torrents over the castle roofs, and somehow seemed to go right through the tiles and fill the Great Hall with a warm, uncomfortable moistness. [21]
The hall was crowded with half the population of Lancre. Outside, the rushing of the rain even drowned out the distant roar of the river. It soaked the stage. The colours ran and mingled in the painted backdrop, and one of the curtains sagged away from its rail and flapped sadly into a puddle.