*
I can’t sleep after seeing all of that. I keep seeing the blood and the arm. I lay awake all of Friday night, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Just that arm lying there, I don’t know whose it was. You aren’t supposed to not know who owns an arm.
Sunday, September 28th to Saturday, October 4th 2014
I haven’t been into work this week. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this job. If I can be so affected by what I see. I should be able to be dispassionate, that’s the reporters watchword. Not that we don’t care, but we have to be detached, report the facts and let the reader make the judgements.
I heard that Floyd really went to bat for me at work, he stood up to the boss when he got angry that I’d called in and said I wasn’t ready to come in. Debby, my editor, told me what’d happened. She came round on Monday evening to make sure I was OK. I wasn’t, but I told her I was. She didn’t believe a single word I said. I didn’t even know we were friends, she’s always so direct and critical and telling me what to change on my articles, but I guess that’s her job. I got a hug from her, and she didn’t tell me I was being stupid. She gave me the name of someone to go and talk to, if I wanted to. I took the details, but I’ll be OK, I don’t need to call anyone. I just need some time to get my head together.
Wednesday
I’ve barely slept in five days. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m voicing this into the pad, I’d have so may typos you wouldn’t be able to read it. I’ve had an hour here and there, but that’s all. I called the number that Debby gave me. Taima has been great, she’s tried to do all she can to help out, but, she doesn’t know how to handle this any more than I do. I’m going to go see this guy, Dr. Smith, tomorrow.
Friday
Through the wonders of modern medicine, I got a good nights sleep last night. No dreams, just a pill, a glass of water, and gone, 14 hours worth. Dr. Smith, as it turns out, has had a good bit of experience in this kind of thing. She’s a regular first call for the press who’ve seen things they didn’t want to see. She flat out told me that she couldn’t just flip a switch for me, and make me forget it all, but she said that the first thing I needed was a good nights sleep. And I did, I really did. I feel, well, I keep thinking about it, but I’m trying to not let it stop me doing things. I don’t know how to tell Taima that if she walks up behind me and gives me a hug, the first thing I see when she does is her arm, and, I go there again, thinking about the arm in the road. She makes it worse when she tries to make it better. She’s really trying but I want her to stop, just give me some space and let me sort it out in my head.
Sunday, October 5th to Saturday, October 11th 2014
Sunday
I’m stopping at a local B&B tonight. Just to get some time to myself. I think Taima is really upset that I’m staying here tonight, but she just won’t leave me alone, she keeps trying to help. I’ve tried to ask her to stop, just act as if I’m not there, and she keeps on asking why and what she can do. She just isn’t listening to me! I know she wants me to feel better but for fucks sake, just five minutes alone - is it too much to ask!
Rest of week
I stayed in the B&B until Thursday morning. I’ve worked from there all week, the boss called me and told me it was OK for me to work from home. I didn’t explain that home wasn’t home for the moment. I’d sent Taima emails every day trying to explain how I feel and that it isn’t her fault, and I just needed some space to myself. She didn’t reply. I got angry and broke a window at the B&B when I threw my pad out of it. I don’t know how it didn’t break, but it survived - the pad I mean, the window was ruined. I had to pay for the window to be replaced, and the B&B owner told me I’d have to leave if it happened again. Fair enough, I wouldn’t want anyone in my home if they were the kind of person I am right now.
I went home on Thursday lunchtime, the flat was empty, and I didn’t know if Taima had just decided enough was enough, and had left. I wouldn’t blame her. But she’d left a note on the Freezer, she was in London for an interview, and would be back that evening.
I made dinner and she came home. I was relieved, she hadn’t dated the letter, she could have left it on Monday for all I knew, and she hadn’t been home for three days. She tried really hard to be distant and give me space, just saying hi when she got home, not mentioning that I’d been gone for half a week, trying to be normal, but not too touchy-feely. I appreciated it. She told me she hadn’t replied to my emails as she wasn’t really sure what to say and didn’t want to upset me any more than she already had. I haven’t told her about the window, or how angry I was. She was trying to do what I’d asked and I can’t blame her for that. She asked if I wanted her to sleep on the sofa, and I got a genuine smile when I said no, of course not. First smile I’ve seen from her for a while.
I went back to see Dr. Smith at the end of the week. It was odd, we just chatted, I thought people like this were supposed to have a sofa and ask me how I felt about my mother, but no, a hard plastic chair and I was talking about anything I felt like. I guess the NHS had to sell all their sofas to cut down on their budget deficits, or something.
We didn’t mention the crash all session, we talked about my stop at the B&B, why I was angry at Taima - I’m not but Dr. Smith seemed to think I am - and just, random stuff. Hell, I could do her job, she just sits there and lets people waffle on, and gets paid for doing it. I don’t think I’ll go back next week, to be honest.
Sunday, October 12th to Saturday, October 18th 2014
Scotland makes its choice
In the end, the vote on Scottish independence wasn’t even close. When the final count came in in the early hours of Monday morning, the vote was already long decided. By 11pm, only two hours after the polls closed, the vote was inevitable, and Scotland is staying as a part of the UK.
The final result, of 69% to stay, and 29% to leave, was a long way from being the close contest that everyone had predicted. If anything, people had expected it to go the other way, with the last polls before the referendum showing a narrow lead for the leave campaign.
The Prime Minister congratulated the Scottish people for making their choice based on “a fair and realistic balancing of the choices, which will lead to a stronger union between our two countries, and a stronger United Kingdom”.
The Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond, who had staked his whole reputation on the outcome, resigned on Monday morning, saying his position was untenable, with the majority of the Scottish public disagreeing with what he held to be the most important choice the country would ever make.
Not everyone has dealt with the situation as professionally, however. In Glasgow, the heart of the independence movement, people took to the streets as the results came in, and thousands of them gathered in George Square chanting ‘Fix’, and waving banners demanding a recount.
With such a wide gap, however, and international monitors declaring the vote to be clean, it is hard to see how a recount could possibly change the result.