“Oh, my washer is on the fritz and Connor won’t let me bring in a repairman because apparently they all moonlight as assassins, so I had to use the basement laundry. That was superfun. I got to fold my granny panties in front of Connor.” And she’d ended up folding his sleek boxers alongside her clothes. She’d told herself she’d taken his little pile of clothes with hers because it only made sense to save water and energy. It wasn’t some deep-seated cavewoman need to ensure her man wasn’t forced to wear clothes he’d picked up off the cave floor and sniffed.
“You could have used mine. Next time tell Connor he can scan my apartment for assassins. Then you can do your laundry and we can gossip and drink. I’m dying to know what’s going on with Hottie McHotPants, and I can’t wait a minute longer. He is looking fine, by the way.”
He’d looked a little mad when she’d waved him off to walk Lincoln, but she wasn’t sure she felt comfortable talking about what she needed to say with him anywhere in the vicinity.
She felt his eyes on her, watching as always. When she looked up and saw him circling back around with her dog, she felt . . . comfortable. She wouldn’t have imagined it, but his presence seemed to soothe her as though nothing bad could happen as long as he was around. Everywhere she went, she could feel his gaze on her and hear those words in her head.
I want you.
She’d told herself to be professional, but it wasn’t working. She dreamed about him at night, like he’d managed to plant a seed in her head with his offer to let her explore their chemistry, and it had grown and shoved out all other thoughts.
She dreamed about what would have happened if that elevator door had never opened. She fantasized about him shoving her against the wall and pushing her skirt up and getting between her legs.
“He is looking well. We’ve come to a meeting of minds.” Well, they had come to a sort of agreement. She did her job and he did his. She cooked twice a day, but she was starting to wonder if Connor wasn’t a little like Lincoln. Lack of meat had made him crabby. He ate, but it was grudgingly.
How could anything ever work between them?
“What is that supposed to mean?” Kiki asked with a scowl. “A meeting of minds? That’s not the part of him you should be meeting up with.”
“It means that we understand we’re opposites who have to work together, so we’re keeping necessary space between us.” Except he’d sat right next to her the night before. He’d plopped down on the couch as she’d watched the news, and their hips had touched. She’d meant to mention it to him, meant to move over, but then he’d looked so comfy that she hadn’t wanted to move or disturb him. But then she’d kind of leaned closer. Only the pinging of the oven had stopped her from melting against him.
“Why?” Kiki rolled her eyes. “God, you’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“Look, I get that you have your convictions and you think that one day your vegan prince is going to come, but you have to see that it’s silly to expect a man to check every item off your list.”
That made her sound like a complete idiot. “I am not trying to check off some list.”
“Really? You won’t explore anything between you and Connor because Niall the Great meets all your criteria.”
“Niall the Great?”
“It’s what I call him. Tom calls him Niall the Douche. He’s, like, your perfect guy. Same political convictions, rabid vegan. Hell, he works for Greenpeace.”
“He’s also married.”
Kiki’s jaw dropped. “What?”
It wasn’t right or fair, but she’d kind of been okay with Connor’s edicts since they’d kept her from having to tell Kiki how badly she’d screwed up. “He’s married. I bet he lied about a bunch of other stuff, too. Likely, he never worked for Greenpeace. He’s probably off somewhere clubbing seals as we speak.”
“Oh, honey. How did you find out?”
“Connor. He made Niall tell me. It was awful.” She’d cried all evening and then slept like a baby because Connor had been there with her. Now she couldn’t sleep at all. She got up in the middle of the night for water just so she could make sure he was still there, as if his mere presence reassured her.
“I knew there was something wrong with that douche bag. You can’t just meet someone online and expect to really get to know them.”
“We talked for hours. I thought it was better that way because we could get to know each other’s mind before getting the bodies involved.” She knew exactly what Kiki was going to say. She was naive.
“You’re so naive, sweetie. Bodies are always involved. And a person doesn’t show you who they really are on the Internet. You have to stop trying to find your perfect vegan lover and find the right one.”
That wasn’t exactly fair. “I’ve dated plenty of omnivores. They’re the ones who can’t bend for me.”
Kiki sat back on the bench as though settling in for a nice long argument. “So Connor’s been eating takeout every night?”
She’d been a little surprised when he sat down with her for dinner that first night after their fight. He’d just taken his spot across from her and asked where his plate was. She’d set another place and then they’d found a nice routine. “No. He eats what I cook, but he did buy booze. It’s nonorganic and I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t pass the fair trade test.”
Kiki pointed at her. “There. Right there. Not everyone has the same values you do, hon. This is what you do to every single person who gets close to you. I love you, but I’m constantly waiting for you to figure out that I’m not good enough.”
Lara shook her head, horrified that she felt that way. “That’s not true. I would never think that way. I know I talk politics a lot, but I don’t expect everyone to do what I say.”
Kiki suddenly had tears in her eyes. “I don’t know. I’ve done things you wouldn’t approve of.”
What was Kiki hiding? She always seemed so upbeat. Was she really so close-minded that her best friend didn’t feel as if she could talk to her? “I might not approve, but I would still love you. Kiki, people do stupid stuff all the time. God, I run a tabloid. I have no room to judge. I would just try to help you.”
“But you are judging. You’re judging Connor without really giving him a shot. He’s trying.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because he let you send him off with the dog and he’s been eating vegan. Sweetie, a man like that doesn’t suffer silently. He goes and does what he wants unless he wants something else more. I think you’re the something he wants more. A man like Connor doesn’t come around very often. You shouldn’t let him slip through your fingers.”
“We haven’t known each other for very long. I don’t really know if my fingers want him yet.” She was lying, but she just wasn’t ready to admit the truth.
“So? You knew Tom for years before you slept with him, and how did that work out?”
Kiki had several very good points. None of them actually solved the real problem. “I’m scared. After what happened with Niall, I’m scared that Connor is playing me to get me to do what he wants or to make his job easier . . . I don’t know. I just don’t trust how I feel about him.”
“You’ve been out of the game way too long. You know, I think you stuck it out with Tom those last two years you were together. You should have just gotten out. You weren’t happy with him.”
She hadn’t been. Tom had gotten possessive. He’d made demands on her time that didn’t make sense. It all culminated in the nastiest fight of her life and a broken engagement. They’d gotten back to being friends, but she was still a little wary. Tom had changed when they started having sex. They were much better as friends. What if she had that effect on Connor, too? Although it wasn’t like she and Connor had a real friendship to fall back on. On the other hand, that meant she didn’t have as much to lose. “It was comfortable. Well, it was and it wasn’t.”
“You didn’t want to admit you’d made a mistake. You thought Tom chec
ked off all your boxes. He was politically in the right place. He was smart, attractive, supportive.”
“He lied about being a vegan.” Tom had claimed to convert when she’d done it. They were in college and he’d been right beside her. He’d shoved it in her face when they’d broken up, telling her he’d never believed in any of it and had only done it to get her into bed.
“Honey, very few people can live that way.”
It wasn’t in their nature. Like Lincoln’s. It definitely wasn’t in Connor’s and yet he hadn’t complained. Oh, she could tell he hadn’t loved her tofu scramble this morning, but he’d actually complimented her black bean tacos and had a second and third helping. He was trying to fit into her life.
Maybe she should bend a little. “I’m not going to lie to you. I think about Connor a lot. But I don’t know if things can work out long term with someone like him.”
“Not everything has to be long term. Lara, I love you like a sister, but you have to let go of the idea that your life is going to be a model of perfection. You’ve always been so afraid to make mistakes. The one thing you took a chance on has become the passion of your life.”
Capitol Scandals. Her baby. Sure, her baby was built on stories about the president’s penis, but it had done more good than all her protesting days. She’d actually helped victims of scams and political cover-ups—real people. And when she’d started she’d been so scared she’d shut the site down three times before she calmed enough to let it work.
Was she doing the same thing with Connor? Did she think a thing was only worth doing if it was guaranteed to turn out right?
“I want him.”
Kiki nodded. “You should. He’s the single hottest man I’ve ever met.”
There was more to it than that. He was electric in some odd way she’d never experienced before. Even when he was sitting perfectly still, she could practically feel the energy pouring off him. Every time she touched him she felt a connection. “It’s not just about his looks.”
“No, it’s not. There’s something about that man. When I look at him I just know he could take care of me in bed. I think if he wanted to he could pretty much take care of everything. He’s a perfect specimen of alpha male.”
Lara hated the flare of jealousy that sparked through her system.
Kiki pointed. “You don’t like how I talked about him. That’s the second time. You’re possessive. I’ve never seen you like this.”
“Because it’s not something I want to be.” Jealously was a useless, destructive emotion.
“What’s wrong with a little possessiveness?” Kiki asked. “I can assure you if you get into Connor’s bed, he’s not going to share you. He’s going to be a caveman and he’ll club any man who tries to take what’s his.”
His. Her whole body seemed to flare hot at the thought. She was a modern woman. She wasn’t supposed to belong to anyone but herself. And yet the idea of being Spencer Connor’s woman lit her up like nothing she’d ever felt. He was everything she shouldn’t want, but she was starting to wonder if Kiki was right and she wasn’t overthinking things. She couldn’t run her love life like she ran her website.
“I didn’t expect I’d ever want someone like him,” Lara admitted. “I expected to find someone who made me feel peaceful and secure. I don’t feel that way around him.”
“You’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. Or maybe it does, but it shouldn’t. You want to love a man, but not too much. Not so much that you’re plagued with real, nasty human emotions. Love can make you do some really bad things. It isn’t always positive. You don’t know that because you’ve never really loved someone with your whole heart, so much that you’d be willing to do anything for him. You don’t want to find out that you’re just like the rest of us.”
Lara stared at her best friend, unsure of who she really was in that moment. “I never meant to make you feel bad. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else.”
Kiki sighed. “Don’t mind me. I’m being a jealous bitch.” She reached out and took Lara’s hand. “I’m going through some things I’m not ready to talk about and I’m taking it out on you. I’m sorry. It’s not fair and I’m doing it because I know you’ll still care about me.”
“I will.”
Kiki squeezed her hand. “Sometimes I get jealous because you seem to have everything together and I’m still a mess. It’s my issue and I’ll get over it. In the meantime, think about what I said. Passion can be messy. You’ve spent most of your life spreading all that love and compassion you have around. That’s easy. Those people you help aren’t really a part of your life. You get to walk in and be the hero and walk back out. This is harder. Friendships aren’t necessarily neat. Relationships don’t always end the way you want them to, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn from them. Take the leap. Live a little.”
Lara thought she was living, but now she had to reassess. With the singular exception of her website, she’d done what was expected of her and tried very hard to not fail. At anything. That was why she’d said yes to Tom. She hadn’t really wanted to be his wife, but saying no would mean the relationship had failed. It would have meant she’d failed.
Calling a halt to her wedding had been a massive leap of faith but it had paid off for both her and Tom. Was she ready to leap again?
Any sort of future with Connor was impossible. Or maybe it wasn’t. How the hell would she know if she didn’t even try?
“You think too much.” Kiki forced her to look into her eyes. “Look at me. Do you want him?”
“Yes.”
“Will you regret it if you don’t try?”
She knew the answer to that one. “Absolutely.”
“Then you know what to do.”
Oh, she was so wrong. “No. No, I don’t. What do I do? Do you think I should write him a note?”
“Oh, dear god. Don’t. Don’t write him a note.”
“I don’t think he’ll be impressed with a song.”
“You give men way too much credit, sweetie. Just tell him yes. That’s really all he needs. He’ll take it from there. It wouldn’t hurt if you cooked him something he wants to eat. You can get some grass-fed organic beef where the ranchers massage the cows and send them on spa days and stuff.”
“I don’t think that exists, but I did promise him burgers tonight. He would be surprised if it wasn’t a big mushroom.”
“And pleased.”
Compromise. It made the world a better place sometimes. “All right. But I’m getting premade patties so I don’t have to touch it.”
He’d told her to kiss him. He’d offered to let her explore. Was the offer even still open?
“That was the White House.” Her father stepped back to the bench they’d chosen. He kept staring at his phone like he was stunned. “The president is interested in one of the projects my committee is working on and he wants to talk to me.”
“That’s great.”
“He’s invited you to come with me.”
That was surprising. “I don’t think I should go to the White House. Don’t they have a ban on people like me? Like a no-fly list. I’ve protested Zack Hayes enough that I should be on that list.”
A man darted past their bench, his long legs sprinting. The movement had both security guards on edge. They stepped in, wedging themselves between the runner and Lara and her dad. Kiki stepped up, getting in front of Lara.
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” Kiki admitted. “It seemed like the right thing to do.”
The man was running the other way. It looked like he was just taking a shortcut. People ran through the park all the time.
The security guards were a little oversensitive.
Connor returned, his gaze on both guards. He shoved Lincoln her way but spoke to the suits. “You two idiots, stay here. Did you not notice the asshole stalking her?”
Connor took off in the same direction as the other guy, loping away with the easy movements o
f a predator.
She tried to glance around the security guard. Had she just caught a glimpse of the man who’d sought to kill her at the bus stop? Lara tried to recall everything she’d noticed about that guy. It had all happened so quickly that she remembered the motorcycle and the gun and not much beyond that. Everything else had been nondescript . . . kind of like the guy she’d seen today. Maybe it had been him. And maybe it hadn’t. She wished she’d been paying more attention before he’d jogged off.
Then she heard something rustle in the bushes behind her and turned, her heart racing. Was someone hiding there? Did her killer have a partner who’d distracted her security detail while he waited? Would this guy succeed in shooting her this time?
“Something or someone is in there,” she whispered, pointing.
“I’ll check.” The guard nodded to his partner and disappeared