Chapter Ten
I never heard from Adam for the next two months after the funeral, during which time I stayed home to comfort mother, pay visits to papa in jail and wait for our property to be auctioned off.
Papa was arrayed in a parked Kalkaska County Court room. The jury found him guilty of first degree murder and sentenced him to life without any possibility of parole. It broke my heart to know my hero was a now a convicted murderer. The punishment still, I felt was too harsh and hard to bear but not as hard as it hit mother. She was devastated, so were Abby and little Amy. He was all we knew and had. Life was unbearable without him. What hurt me most was the child inside me would never know either grandparent.
If only I knew how my life would end up, maybe I could have chosen a different path. We had no one left to fend for us since mother had no living relations and papa’s only relative uncle Greg was deceased. Our lives grind to halt. Mother couldn’t afford to have us in school so we had to readjust to a life permanently on the farm. The farm was now our only source of food and revenue. Being blind though, I was an extra inconvenience since I was of little help around the house and I knew it although mother tried hard to downplay it.
Then there was the issue of my pregnancy. This I kept to myself, not to even Abby did I say a word. It’s not that I didn’t want her or mother to know, I was just scared of what it would do to them. I also knew that sooner or later, mother would get wind of it for I couldn’t hide it forever. Soon, I began to detest certain smells most especially of apples which I found nauseating. I rejected certain foods too. I feigned illness, choosing to stay hidden from view. I also took a particular dislike for Miss Sweeney. Her scent overwhelmed my senses as did her voice. I found her pitchy tone and sluggish pronunciation of words very irritating bordering to annoying. This I found confusing too for she had always been one of my favorites. I also did take to wearing baggy clothing conscious of the small bump that was bulging day by day. I was very anxious and conscious to avoid any detection.
Most of my thoughts however did center on the little thing growing inside me. It caused me excitement and fear at the same time. During some nights, I dreamt she were female and during other nights, male. I dreaded the day my child would find out I were blind. I sometimes silently wept at the realization that I would never be able to see my child’s face, nor take them shopping but only feel their skin and hear their voice for all the days of my life. Yet still, I dreaded the fact that maybe it too might be born blind. The prospect of having a blind child was unfathomable.
I did think of Adam a great deal. I wondered what he was going through. The pain my family had caused him. It was so depressing that I wished we had never met, yet again, I was glad we did because he made me feel alive, wanted and appreciated. Adam had given me a reason to live. He had filled my miserable life with so much joy and happiness, fulfilled every dream I had dreamt and even more. How I longed for him to hold me close to his hard chest, to hear the beating of his heart, smell his skin and to hear his sweet tender voice. I loved it when he called me darling, it meant he loved me. Where was my king, my joy, my sweetness and my lover? Did he think of me as much as I of him? I wondered if he still loved me even after the injustice my family did to him. In my heart I hoped he'd accept me and our child, come for me like he did once before. My heart yearned and groaned inside me, Oh, how I loved him to fill my emptiness with his tender kisses and love. Any girl who has experienced this feeling can bear me witness. There are simply no words which can fully truly describe this longing and void.
‘Lei, Lei,’ Abby’s voice called to me on one of those dreary cold mornings, ‘a postman just brought a letter and it’s addressed to you.’
‘Quick, open it and read it to me,’ I said, inside me I hoped it was from Adam. I had on a few occasions received some letters but all were from MSB, the usual, school term reminders and fees structures. Once I had received a letter from my now former roommate Lisa.
‘It’s from Adam!' She exclaimed. My heart pounded within my chest.
‘What does it say?’ I asked anxiously. I heard her tear it open.
‘Dearest Leila,
I hope this letter finds you well. Forgive me for my impudence at the funeral but my actions could be justified by the circumstances at the time. My thanks go out to Misses Cook, Abby and most especially you for taking the time to attend my father’s funeral. I now know how hard a decision it must have been for you to make. Please accept my sincere heartfelt sympathies that you might lose your home. I am writing this letter to let you know that given the circumstances I find myself in, with no money to continue with my studies now that pips is gone, I have opted to join the army. I will be leaving for Guam in a fortnight with the first battalion, fifth Calvary before I head out to Vietnam. If I make it out alive, will you wait for me?
Love,
Adam. W. Holloway
I began to feel dizzy.
‘Mom, mom, mom, mom’ were the last words I heard coming from Abby, before I lost consciousness.
‘Where am I?’ I asked as soon as I smelt strange scents, and penicillin.
‘Sweetie,’ it was mother’s comforting voice, ‘stay lying down.’
‘Mom, what happened?’ I asked.
‘Leila dear, I thought I had lost you. You lost consciousness, so we ended up here in hospital.’
‘Which hospital are we mom?’
‘Paul Oliver memorial’
You think I will be okay?’ I asked, nervous as I reached out my hand to feel my tummy.
‘Yes you will my love, you will.’
Then I recalled I had heard the worst news, Adam’s letter. Pain shot through my chest and tears swelled in my eyes.
'Leila dear,' mother spoke again, 'the doctors said something I find hard to believe. Is something growing inside you? I thought I should hear it from you directly,’ she said, 'and for once be honest with me, please I beg of you.’
‘Yes, it is mother.’ I answered unashamed to speak out. After all it was already out in the open. I didn’t care about what mother or anyone for that matter thought of me or at this point, for the one who was responsible for this had just broken my heart.
Mother was silent for so long that if her scent hadn’t stayed close to me, I could have swore she had walked out of the room.
‘I read the letter.’ She finally spoke. It was my turn to remain silent. The only communication I conveyed came in form of tears which flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks amidst her muted sobs.